Would You Hit It?

You better say yes, because he would hit all of us in a row. I don't care if you've got two hairs on your head, no teefs, three eyes, the chronic farts and a bagina gut so large that it has to be held up with clamps, he would still get with that shit. If you can make the sex, David Duchovny will RSVP to your pussy party.

But SERIOUSLY, David is looking a lot better since his sex rehab days. Not being completely addicted to the snatch has done him some good. I guess he traded 12-hours of amateur porn viewing for working out. Pumping iron instead of pumping pussy! Go on!

Here's David spending a little quality time with his wife Tea Leoni in Malibu yesterday. A source told People that they are working on their marriage and Tea is helping him through his sex addiction. Good for Tea! I'm sure it was a little weird when David jizzed in his trunks after a piece of sexy seaweed floated by him yesterday, but Tea should know that the old David would've done ass-to-mouth with it. Progress!

Kate Gosselin searched the beach for her dignity on Bald Head Island, North Carolina today. Jon couldn't make the trip, because...well....he really fucking hates her. And I think he knew that his crotch area had been through enough torture. It didn't need to see Kate in a two-piece. Speaking of, for giving birth to a medium sized village, Kate is looking sessy! Bitch has got the torso of a male substitute gym teacher, the thighs of a retired wrestler and the arms of a middle-aged Neanderthal! I'd hit it.

Here's more of my cunt idol airing out her possum head on the beach. And is it just me or does it look like her belly button is slowly trying to get as far away from her vagina as possible?

There's a few things you should no before you truthfully answer that question. This dude probably lives in a room in his grandparents house. He most likely works part-time in the storage room at a Blockbuster near his house. He eats his own semen, so he can keep his jizz count up and doesn't lose any unborn babies. He loves to spank his nalgas while he's spanking his little Jedi warrior (that's totally what he calls it) . He likes to wear diapers and isn't ashamed to admit it. He wears briefs. He "poos" in his pants sometimes. And don't even ask me what he does with all those action figures in the background. The places they've been....

So if you haven't passed out, checked yourself into the nearest hospital or barfed up all your insides yet, what's it going to be? As for me, I'd hit it. WELL, he'd clean up afterwards!

VIA Buzzfeed

Bono isn't wearing sunnies in these pictures, so that totally threw me off. I thought it was Robin Williams trying to dig out a hairball his peen hole coughed up. Naw, it's just Bono probably looking for the Nobel Peace Prize he's been trying to get for all these years.

Here's Bono with his family shaking those titties in St. Barts. And to answer my own question, yes, I'd hit it....with a sheepskin fur rug from Ikea thrown over his body. That would make it easier for me to imagine that he's actually Robin Williams. I totally have a thing for that Furbee.

This is the thing about Ashton Coochie, if bitch just stood there, kept the sexy still and refrained from opening up his mouth hole to deliver words covered in asshole juices, my peen hole would serenade him with a lust song. But Ashton just can't help himself. The douche gene runs rampant in his system. He has to talk. It would probably be like doing myself with a tampon and the last time I tried that as a dare, it didn't end well. There's still a stain on the carpet that won't come out. Fuck, I'm joking. Okay, I'm not.

But seriously, Ashton would be the type to fart and laugh while he's doing you or give his peen a "voice" while you're trying to blow him.

That being said, I'd hit it with a maxi-pad stuffed in his mouth.

Here's Ashy working that crotch on a chain while filming some shit show in France.

This is some OctoMom shit!

Harry Connick Junior Bacon Cheeseburger brought the heat to St. Barts over the weekend and probably made the creatures of the sea bust into a circle jerk over this sheer sexiness..

Yes, I'd hit it... with a colonic. No, I'd hit it for real. Just jump on, push that belly up, give Harry a turkey leg to snack on and watch them chichis jiggle. It would be even better if Harry shouted "your squirrel covers" at least a dozen times.

By the way, I hate trunks like this shit. They create too much air bubbles, so you can't see the peen clearly. Or maybe his belly button got hongray and ate it?

I'm totally still in a booze haze from the weekend, because when I first saw the thumbnails of these pictures, I thought it was a topless Skeletor Anthony for a quick second. It wasn't a surprise to my that the police were chasing his ass, because a half-nekkid Skeletor is illegal. I was afraid that when I clicked for the full size, my stomach would pop out of my ass. Luckily, it was Gavin Rossdale instead.

43-year-old Gavin aired his sexy shit out while filming the music video for "Forever May You Run" in Los Angeles yesterday.

It goes without saying, but I'd jump on Gavin's machine head so fucking fast. However, I'd have to talk to that pube bush on his chest first. They shouldn't be commiserating in one place like that. Spread the hairy love!

Did K-Fat eat the chirruns?! Every time I blink, the bitch added more chunk. Soon, a bitch is going to have to roll him around Violet Beauregard-style.

Getting sexy with KFed could be hazardous to your health. He would need to hit that shit on stilts, because if he laid right on you, your ribs would crush down into dust. If he hit it from the back, he'd have to lay his gut on your back and that could crush your poor tailbone.

On the positive side, if you motorboated his big ass moobs, you might find a McDonald's french fry in there. And I bet he eats out like a damn dyke on speed. Just pour some hot sauce and gravy over your private area and let him chomp away. He might accidentally suck out one of your vital organs, but that's a chance you'll have to take.

That being said, I'd hit it at a Hometown Buffet sundae bar.

No, this is not another picture of Vadge from W Magazine. It's Robert Downey Jr. on the set of Sherlock Homey shot by New York Magazine. Basically, we know that the new Sherlock Holmes loves showing off his "Skeletor on roids" body. This much we know.

Even though RDJ looks like a muscled-up Mr. Peanut without his monocle or top hat, I'd still hit that shit. I would bounce on that gristle body until all that was left was a dried up piece of beef jerky. Smack all the juice out! I mean, this is Julian Wells. It's a fucking obligation to sex that shit up if you get the chance.

VIA Towleroad

There's a reason why Orlando Blooms looks like the member of a Rock Star Supernova cover band. The Kim Zolciak approved possum wig and douchy tattoos (the tree framing his nip is kind of poetic, though) are for a movie he's shooting L.A. called Sympathy for Delicious.

Orlando always struck me as one of those precious fucks. Do you know what I mean? The kind that caresses and cuddles on you for a long ass time before getting to the X-rated shit! The kind that is operating on Skinemax mode when you're on Spice Network mode. They're kissing on your neck and you're thinking, "Can you stick and bust already, so I can go watch some HGTV." And I bet when Orlando is about to bust one, he faintly ahhhhhhs. Then he probably wants to spoon while he whispers in your ear and strokes your hair. Why ruin a good fuck with lovey dovey shit?

That being said, I'd turn on some HGTV and let him take his sweet time hitting it from the back.