Would You Hit It?

I mean hit it with your genitals and not hit it with a tree branch covered in nails. You know, I asked myself this question while watching Vh1's latest trainwreck Tool Academy. If you're not familiar with this refined piece of entertainment, let me fill you in.

9 mega mega MEGA mega mega assholes are thrown into a house thinking they are competing for some shit called "Mr. Awesome." Of course, only a DOUCHEBAG (caps for effect) would compete in that mess. It turns out, the 9 pieces of trash are really unwittingly enrolling into Tool Academy, because they treat their girlfriends like caca. They cheat on them, they take their cash, they lie, they talk shit on them, etc...etc.... They compete in a series of challenges with their girlfriends in an effort to de-tool themselves. The dick bag who has had the biggest transformation will win some shit in the end.

This should really should have been called DICKMATIZED, because these chicks have a bad case of it! How could they have not have put their boyfriends' peens in the garbage disposal as punishment for treating them so assy? That's because they are addicted to the dick. Dickmatization is a serious disease!

Okay, so back to the important question. How many would you hit? And be fucking honest! Below is a clip that is so douchy, it is guaranteed to completely clean the dirtiest of vaginas. I am so ashamed to admit that I'd hit 8 out of the 9. I had to give my genitals the evil side-eye every time it got a little tingly when one of the tools took off their shirts. I would even hit Celebrity! I'd put on that Monopoly money boa and take that shit. Ew. I'm so gross.

The only one I wouldn't hit is Josh. I'm sorry, but.... Okay, I'd only let him stick the tip in. That really wouldn't count as sexy times, because his peen is probably the size of an ant leg.

Your answer has to be yes. Who would turn down a peen ride from Edward Lewis/Zack Mayo/Jack Sommersby? It's sad, but Sommersby is one of my top 10 favorite suck shows of all time. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere as fucking lovers! All the gerbils in the land rolled their eyes when that shit came out.

Who cares if Richard looks like the boozy pepaw who fell off the ladder while painting my mother's house! I'd dress up in a gerbil costume and run in a damn wheel for hours if that's what turned his sick ass on. Gerbilling!

Here's Richard Gere in a sexy farmer tan participating in a little foreplay action with some slutty wave while vacationing with his family in St. Barts.

Daniel Craig is looking a little jelly-ish in the chichi and belly areas, but I cannot resist a man who is so secure in his masculinity that he has no problem dipping his hand in another dude's Ruffles. So yes, I'd hit that shit while eating a jumbo bag of Lay's from Costco. Those chips are greasy enough, so you don't even need lube! And I bet the salt will make your no-no extra puckery. Dick & chips: a perfect combination.

Here's James Bond having some kind of potato orgy with his girlfriend and two dudes in St. Barts the other day.

Even though his dick is covered in Vadge's snatch acid, I'd still hit it with a condom made by Hazmat. A-Rod is semi-hot when you don't look at his mug for too long. And I bet you those manchichis bounce a little when he's hitting it from the back. You have to make sure to bring a mirror with you, so you can be thoroughly entertained by his bouncing boobies.

Here's A-Rod doing stuff in Miami the other day. In the last thumbnail, it looks like he's getting ready to see Vadge by protecting his nutsack. Good fucking move.

Usually when I ask the age old question "Would You Hit It?", I'm referring to a bitch with a dick. This has prompted some coochie lovers to write me and ask why I'm forgetting about them. Well, cooze lickers, this one's one for you. Although, I'm not sure what's really left of Tara Reid's vaginal area. I think parts of it were removed to reconstruct her falling stomach. Her stomach still looks like Mischa Barton's oatmeal thighs.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say that I would definitely not get with this shit. More for you! Don't get me wrong, I would go lesbo for certain chicks, but this trick is not the one. I'd rather make out with a cold bowl of butterless grits.

Here's Tara and her traumatized body parts aimlessly wandering around Miami yesterday.

No, it's not Santey Claus undercover at a biker bar. It's Tater Head's daddy Bruce Willis! Bruce has gone all natural and my genitals don't know how to process it. It's a little unabomber-ish for my tastes.

And silver dick bushes have always made me a bit nervous. Yeah, they're shiny and happy, but that's distracting while you're yaffling the vanilla cannon.

Oh, fuck it! I'd hit it with a Donder costume on.

Here's Sasquatch Brucie with one of his daughters and his girlfriend leaving Barney's in Los Angeles yesterday. Is his girlfriend like 12-years-old? Seriously. She looks it.

When did Chris Klein become the creepy man on the block your parents warned you never to talk to? The man that would always buy lemonade from your stand and ask you if you like watching R-rated movies. Chris is almost as creepy looking as Katie Holmes. Almost.

There was a time when Chris was semi-hot, right? Now he just looks like he lives in his grandmother's basement and surrounds himself with his massive porcelain doll collection. He's freaking me out the way he's staring into the camera and through my soul. He's heavy petting me with his eyes. Gross. I bet he uses Purell as lube, because he's majorly OCD about germs.

That being said, I'd hit it on a puddle of instant hand sanitizer. Well, he looks like he's majorly freaky in the sheets.

62-year-old Davy Jones' somehow got it in his mind that it was a good idea to show off his pepawchichis while performing in Staten Island, NY this past weekend. Damn. His tittays are no joke. They look like if you slap them, they'll slap you back. I'd love to see a boxing match between Aretha Franklin's champion chichis and Davy's moobs. Obviously, Aretha's rack would be the winner, but Davy would put up a good fight.

And yes, I'd let him hit it, but only from the back. Although, Davy would need to pile his boobies into a Playtex Cross Your Heart bra, because those things look like they have the power to knock me out.

Don't try and be slick either! The dog is not an option. The dog ON THE LEASH. Besides, the dog on the leash doesn't like you like way.

I'd rather rub my bare nalgas in a bowl of hot vomit, but I would take my chances with Beth. Dog is so fucking bloated that it would be like getting sexy with a wilted balloon. Even his manchichis look like they're full of gas.

Beth probably wouldn't even want to get down. She would just want to watch QVC while eating a whole box of Russell Stover chocolates. But she would make me massage the green puss out of her corns......

Here's these two hillbilly seaweed creatures mucking up a beach in Los Angeles on Labor Day.

Teri Hatcher is looking sexy hot! The Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe Diet is really working for her! For serious! It's the Queen King of Pop working it in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer and pajama pants at the Planet Hollywood Hotel in Las Vegas last night. I think we finally know what happened to Bubbles. Jacko is wearing him on his head. Honestly, couldn't Raquel Welch fix Jacko up with a wig that doesn't look like Little Richard's merkin?

That being said, I'd hit it in a pool filled with Jesus Juice. Well, a hardcore slut likes variety and isn't afraid to try new things. All you gotta do is close your eyes, hold your breath and do it for the sake of your slutty reputation.

P.S. - Click here to see what Jacko would look like today if he didn't eff up his face.