Drunks

At Mel Gibson's Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA, he is God, Jesus and all of the saints rolled into one. What Mel says goes. That means Mel gets to pick and choose who sits next to his drunk ass in the pews.

Radar Online reports that Mel is making all new parishioners fill out an application and go through a security check before he offers you an invitation to join his church. Apparently, Mel is paranoid about hos blabbing about his holy ramblings to the media.

The one-page application states that it "must be accepted by security in order to gain admittance" and that it's "not open for negotiation by guests/attendees." It also adds that membership can be revoked at any time for any reason.

You know, I kind of understand why Mel is pulling this fuckery. It's a privilege to "pray" with Mel. His church is probably a non-stop party and who doesn't get tingly for a party? The holy water is spiked with top-shelf vodka, the communion wafers have been soaked in rum, and Jesus' blood comes in your choice of white, red or sparkling wine.

And the seventh commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," has been replaced with, "Thou Shalt Party With Your Peen Out." So I totally see where Mel is coming from.

Over at Page Six, they are saying that Lindsay Lohan fled Brittny Gastineau's birthday party after her ex partner in pussy, Courtenay "Nay Nay" Semel, begged her to go to rehab. Maybe LiLo left for a minute to go find an extra vowel for her name so that she could fit in with the rest of them. She should've just asked Brittny if she could borrow the "E" she's not using. That way she could be Lindesay Lohan. Oh well. BUT SERIOUSLY.....

A source said that Nay Nay, who just graduated from rehab, confronted LiLo about getting help. It did not go well, and LiLo ran out of the joint in tears. The source went on to say, "Everyone was trying to keep them apart, especially since Courtenay is recently out of rehab and has pleaded with Lindsay to do the same. Everything was fine for a while, and Lindsay seemed happy, but then there was a confrontation when she came out of the bathroom, and she ran out in tears. Everyone fears she's on some kind of self-destructive collision course."

I'd probably be in tears too if I was reminded that I was once played Nay Nay's clitoris like a harmonica. And if you have no idea who Nay Nay is, GOOGLE HER, you dumb fuck!

LiLo uses her fingers for all sorts of things (i.e. clitty tickling, cokey sampling, Twittering etc...), but using them to take out her to pay for things is not one of them. Usually, when LiLo snatches something, she just walks out with it like it magically dropped out of her snatch. But at Hollywood's Crown Bar last week, LiLo pulled out a different trick.

According to Pop Tarts, LiLo ordered a bottle of champagne towards the end of the night. When the cocktail waitress asked her to pay up for it, LiLo pointed at Kellan Lutz from Twilight and told her to put it on his bill. Shortly after that, LiLo waltzed out of the place without ever paying for the bottle.

Ha. I'm tempted to try that trick, but with my luck I'd end up in the basement of the club with two gigantic hairy men standing over me. It would not be rainbows and kittens. And I also really don't need another anal rejuvenation surgery.

Here's our little champagne robber at some party last night and also leaving Nachos' (Wonky's ex) house at 7 this morning. I will simply say that she looks like she recently had a whore bath in the sink of an AM/PM restroom, so she's looking better than usual.

This is why you don't try to stub out your ciggie near the subway tracks while you've got the drunks in a major way. Wait until you get on the train to stub it out on the seat. That's what I always do.

A 22-year-old drunktard was waiting for the train to come in Boston when she accidentally stumbled onto the tracks after trying to put her cigarette out. Luck for her drunk ass, there were a few sober hos on the platform who waved at the oncoming train to stop.

The train conductor said that she knew something in the milk wasn't clean as soon as she could see the people waving their arms at her. When she saw the lady on the tracks, she immediately hit her emergency break just in time. The conductor added that she knew the booze hound was fine when she came up with a giant smile on her face.

HAHAHAHA! That bitch was probably smiling because she was so happy that the train didn't eff up her buzz by hitting her. That would've sucked. Or maybe she was mesmerized by the bright shiny lights coming from the train. Homegirl was having a "Norma Desmond" moment.

Despite a few cuts and bruises, the woman is going to be fine. The police say she told them she was drinking for hours before the accident.

And this brings new meaning to "drunken ho gets a train ran on her."

VIA Metro

At last night's MTV EMAs in Berlin, Germany's golden child took the mic and behaved like your drunk boss giving a blundering speech at the company Christmas party while everyone throws him "shouldn't you be setting a good example" side eyes. Seriously, The Hoff was slurring like he just gave oral to a taser gun.

Instead of Kanye snatching the mic from him, The Hoff needed Ken Seeley to come and take him away.

And I feel like we should raise a glass (filled with a non-boozy beverage*, of course) to The Hoff's oh-so-fanceeeeee sequins blazer. It stayed sparkly in such an awkward situation.

*Does a wine cooler count as real alcohol?

VIA Buzzfeed

Johnnie Walker's favorite homeboy Kiefer Sutherland skipped on into a bar called The Spot in San Pedro, CA the other day to celebrate BOOOZE with crew members from 24. One of the bar's employees spilled the sauce to TMZ and said that Kiefer & Co. started the alcohol orgy at 7 in the morning. They kept lapping up bowls of the sweet nectar until 1 in the afternoon. Kiefer was definitely in a good mood since he picked up the tab for the entire bar before leaving (with a designated driver).

Apparently, the final tab for 30 people was only $500 and Kiefer dropped a $200 tip on top of that. Okay, if we ever have a Dlisted convention, it will be held at The Spot in San Pedro. I mean, 6 hours of boozing for 30 hos and the bill only came to $500. That's around $17 a person (my math cell works fast when it comes to booze)!!! And The Spot will probably let all of us party with our pants down (just like Kiefer).

Amy Wino's daddy already confirmed that she got new chichis put in, but he didn't tell us that she went with size: BABY HEAD. To be more specific, size: FAT BABY HEAD. Wino is serious about her titty implants.

You know that I'll throw down for a pair of magnificent chichis, but nothing good can come out of Wino's new pair. I mean, they look harder than a stale crack rock, so Wino is definitely going to use 'em to knock a bitch out. So if you sass Wino, you'll get a crack-covered loogie in the eye and a speedball titty on your head.

Thankfully, that didn't happen at tonight's Q Awards, but it came close. She was supposed to present an award to her friends The Specials, but bitch showed up on Wino time (aka minutes late). While The Specials were accepting their award, Wino pulled a Kanye by showing up on stage and crashing their speech. When The Daily Mail asked Wino why she was late, she shot back with, "What’s it to you, I was doing my hair. Fuck off." I think Wino meant that she was literally doing her hair. You know, humping on her crackhive. They are close like that.

Wino's shenanigans didn't stop there. When Robert Plant was on stage accepting an award, Wino started heckling from the back of the room. Robert stopped for a quick second, realized it was just the crackie acting up again and went on with his speech.

So, there you go. Brand new chesticles, but the same ole' fuckery!

Spending time with my bong while watching Sandra Lee make recipes out of Rice-A-Roni packets and Steak-Ums is one of my favorite things to do. However, don't make that shit unless you want your guests to clog up your toilet with their own vomit or have you committed. This is why I'm throwing Sandra a "Have You Been Mixing Your Vodka With Lighter Fluid Again?" side-eye for saying that St. Angie made one of her recipes.

Sandra told People, "I was really surprised when her friend let me know she made my No Bake birthday cake. She's a Semi-Homemade mommy just like the rest of us! She's a very busy, overextended mother. I'm very proud not just that she made my cake but that someone of her stature isn't delegating these [tasks], like her children's birthday, to other people. I'm glad she loves the show and that the kids apparently also watch it too."

SANDRA STOP! Sandra probably had too many "Aqworium-tinis" when she was talking to her friend. Her friend actually said, "My friend Gina Jolly thinks you're working with a broken oven." And of course, drunk ass Sandra heard, "My friend Angelina Jolie makes your no bake cake." Besides, St. Angie uses her hands to heal the world, not to make birthday cakes. That's what the child army is for. They are all trained short order line cooks.

And no Sandra Lee post would be complete without another WTF-recipe from her. I can't:

Obviously, we all need to do peyote with Sandra so that we can try to see what she sees.

Lindsay Lohan tells Life & Style (via E! Online) not to worry about her 15-year-old sister partying in clubs and bars with her, because she totally can handle drunk bitches, people overdosing and skeezy old dudes flashing her on the dancefloor. Well, she is learning from the best.

The voice of reason said, "She's tougher than I am. She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister." Blohan also added that Ali knows when to put down the Long Island Iced Tea to finish her homeschool work, "She's really good about that. If I'm going out late, she'll go home early."

I don't even know why Ali is bothering with homeschool. She's already learning the most important skills in life from hanging around her sister. I mean, don't you wish that at the age of 15 you learned how to pump a stomach with Alka-Seltzer pills and a cocktail straw? Or how to vomit perfectly into a bottle of beer without leaving a drop? I didn't learn those life skills until I was 18! AT LEAST! Ali is totally ahead of us all.

As you can see, Dennis Quaid and his wife left a restaurant last night looking like they just had an orgy with a few bottles of the sweet nectar. And I'm no Lohan, but it also looks like they have a case of coke mouth. I'd have to sniff at their breath to make an official ruling. Anyway....

A boozed-up Dennis Quaid got behind the wheel of his car outside of Phillipe Chows last night, and was just about to drive away when the po po pulled up. You can get put in handcuffs for just putting your keys into the ignition while under the influence, but the cops decided to give Dennis a warning instead. Splash says that when the cops told Dennis to get out of the car, he told them he wasn't planning to drive away. The officers let him go back into the restaurant and call a cab.

Dennis should give those cops a taint licking and a lap dance, because they saved him from marinating in a jail cell for a few hours. And when you've got the drunks ills, the last thing you want to be doing is using your hands to protect your asshole in jail. You need your hands to keep the booze barfs from coming up.

If I was that police officer I would've arrested Dennis for being related to Randy.