Drunks

Amy Wino found herself in THE CLINIC again after she fell down in a drunken stupor and bruised her stuffed titties. This is the millionth time that Wino has ended up in the hospital with titty trauma. Somebody needs to call the police, because implant abuse a real thing. Those poor things probably look like Tommy Girl's ass cheeks: bruised, battered and leaking gooey substances.

A source tells The Sun, "Amy was running up and down the corridors with her top off and reeking of booze. She'd had a few. At first she thought she had broken something, so got her security to take her to hospital. The doctors were worried she might be concussed because she had a big bump on her head and a cut above her eye."

Doctors kept Wino overnight, because there was some bruising to her ribs. They released her yesterday, but she refused to leave. Yes, Wino's agent says that she loves the clinic so much that she wants to stay longer.

You can't blame her for wanting to stay. Where else can her veins swallow a morphine bag's load without any interruptions?

Now back to Wino's titty sacks, those poor things really need to find a way out. It's like those implants are being raised by Joe Jackson! FREE THEM!

Lindsay Lohan's Twitter page is like an empty subway car on a Saturday night. There's always an incoherent crackie stumbling in to ramble away about something. It makes you want to put on your headphones and continue to pretend to read a book.

At around 2 this morning, Lindsay's numb fingers fought with her Blackberry keyboard to type out this Tweet about her ex-SamRo. According to Blohan, SamRo gave her a squirt to the face at a party. Isn't this how SamRo and Blohan usually greet each other? Who knows, but SamRo had this to say on her Twitter page. The non-plot thins:

Guess what didn't happen tonight......
about 5 hours ago via UberTwitter

OH, A GAME! Hm. Let's see, you didn't eat anything? You didn't kiss a peen? You didn't wash your underarms? You didn't play any good music? Am I getting warmer? Oh, wait, she's talking about spitting on Blohan.

Well, whoever spit on Blohan was just trying to do her a favor by giving her a bath. That's all. Blohan should really send them a thank you card.

Here's some thrilling pictures of Blo hiding her saliva site face while arriving at a club early this morning.

Kiefer Sutherland was photographed running drunk and shirtless through the streets of London last night after being ejected from a strip club. The above is not a picture from last night, but Kiefer looked just like that sans the delicate pink flower growing out of his peen hole. Sadly, there were no flowers last night.

The Sun says that it all started out pretty mellow for Kiefer. He had a couple of bottles of wine with a friend at the bar of The Covent Garden Hotel. At around 2am, Kiefer had the choice to either retire to his room and pass out on his bed, or continue the boozery by visiting a pussy shaking club. Since Charlie Sheen is in rehab and one teen idol from the 80s must represent fuckery at all times, Kiefer chose the latter.

Kiefer showed up at Stringfellows Gentlemen Club at 2am and a source said he "went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave."

In case you don't know what the Peter Crouch dance is, here you go. It's kind of like a fluid version of the Suri Dance.

He was escorted out of the club by security at around 3:30am. He sat in the back of his car for 30-minutes until he eventually stumbled back to his hotel.

No Christmas trees were murdered, and no fashions designers were headbutted, so if you ask me it was a pretty good night for Kief.

This is some Lardass from Stand By Me shit! Meet 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens who was arrested after he projectile vomited all over an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter at a Phillies game on Wednesday. It probably tasted better than the sauerkraut on their hot dogs. Sorry.

USA Today says the barf started brewing when Matthew's friend was kicked out of the stadium after Police Capt. Michael Vangelo complained to security about their drunktard ways which included cursing and spitting at people. When Matthew's friend was escorted out of the place, he retaliated by putting his tubby ass fingers down his throat and barfing all over Capt. Michael and his daughter. Capt. Michael said, "It was the most vile, disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I've seen the Mini-Me sex tape!" No, he didn't say that last part.

It gets barfier. When police arrived to arrest Matthew, he ralphed on another officer. In addition to attacking the officers with the insides of his stomach (which probably smelled like a house on Hoarders) Matthew also punched a couple of cops.

Matthew is currently in jail on charges including assault and harassment.

If I had a heart, I'd throw it out to that 11-year-old girl, because she is traumatized for life. She won't ever be able to watch Star Wars without interruptions again. Every time Jabba the Hutt comes on the screen, she'll scream while running for the nearest shower. Why oh why does Matthew have to look like Jabba with a wig on?

And there's some good news for Matthew. Once the other inmates hear why he's locked up, they will stay away from his mouth at all costs. Even jailed criminals don't like vom on the peen.

Well, I guess Amy Wino didn't need to get her plastic titty sacks taken out after all, because they accompanied her to the May Fair Hotel in London last night. Wino left the hotel at 4 in the morning looking broke off and dozed off. Basically, like the Wino we all know and love like the last drop of Andre in our plastic cup. Although...Wino does look a tiny bit different here.

Not only do her lips look like two albino slugs side-fucking each other, but she also has a precious cholita tear drop under her eye. I'm sure it looked a little fresher earlier in the night, because here it looks like someone hit a tick on her cheek with a rolled up magazine. On second thought, it probably isn't a cholita tear drop. It probably is a dead tick.

Puck from The Real World: San Francisco is laid up in a hospital today with a bunch of broken bones after he lost control of his car in San Diego and rolled down an embankment. Puck's 8-year-old, who was also in the car, suffered serious injuries and has since been released from the hospital.

At the time the story went around, we were all told that it was all some asshole deer's fault for wandering into the middle of the road causing Puck to swerve his car to avoid hitting it. Well, the CHP tells TMZ not to send your hate mail to Bambi. Apparently, Puck was driving while drunk. No deers were involved.

Puck might want to tell his bones to take their time healing, because the cops will arrest his ass for driving under the influence and driving without a license once he gets out of the hospital. Puck will also be charged with child endangerment, because his son was in the car with him.

And here I was thinking that after 16 years Puck finally put on his big boy panties and grew up a bit. Oh well. Puck might be going off to the chokey, but at least he has a batch of fresh new scabs to add to his scab collection! Snot rocket!

I better warm up a bowl of canned menudo, because somebody got drunker than a Russian chimp last night. Yeah, I know you did, but so did RPattz!

While leaving a club in London last night, RPattz gave us the 3 faces of drunkness: happy, barfy and coma-ey. It's a good thing he had a team of security around him, because if he didn't a mob of crazed Twihards would've ravaged him and rubbed their unclothed coochies all over his body. That would've ended in disaster since I don't think RPattz always carries an EpiPen on his person.

Someone must have pissed in George Clooney's lube bottle last night, because he threw sour-flavored grouchfaces throughout most of the Oscar awards. It's as if someone told him the world's supply of cocktail waitresses is dwindling. But there may be a valid reason for why George had "Garfield in the morning" eyes.

Ted Casablanca at E! says that George kept a flask of the sweet nectar in his jacket pocket and took sips from it while walking the red carpet. At one point, George opened his jacket and flashed his flask at his leased piece Elisabetta Canalis.

So my guess is that George's flask went dry halfway through the Oscars, and he was too lazy to ask Meryl Streep for a refill (Meryl was definitely carrying) so he just sat there stewing in his own puddle of bitchness. That's a reasonable response, because imagine if you had to get through the Oscars without some kind of substance (i.e. booze, ludes, the good shit or a box of Ho Hos) to dull the pain.

Toward the end of the night, George Clooney perked up a bit (evidence above), but I think that was due to his butt plug shifting in the RIGHT direction.

Lindsay Lohan was/is an actress, singer, leggings entrepreneur, crash test dummy, chemist and the unofficial face of D.A.R.E. Now Lindsay can add "dancefloor clearer" to her long list of accomplishments!

On Wednesday night in London, Blohan was the celebrity DJ along with DJ Gareth Geno at Nokia's X6 launch party. Radar reports that Blohan's gig was a bust and she cleared the dancefloor faster than Snooki's crotch. One party ho said, "Lindsay was clearly struggling to play the set on her own and had to ask Gareth for help. She seemed like a total drunken, incoherent mess. It was really embarrassing to watch. You could tell she didn't know what she was doing. Lindsay constantly had a drink in her hand the whole time she was playing."

I guess Lindsay thinks that just because she munched on SamRo's salmon pot pie for all those years, she suddenly has what it takes to be a DJ. The saying "You are what you eat" does not ring true in this instance.

And what do people expect anyway? When you order up a Lindsay Lohan, you're going to get a giant serving of "drunk incoherent mess." That's just the way it is. My guess is that Nokia wanted to jump on the whole "grandmas as DJs" bandwagon, but they couldn't afford DJ Ruth.

At this point, the only news about Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller that would make me smear my pearl necklace is if I read that they get up at 6 every morning to pick organic vegetables from their garden to make fresh baby food for their twin sons. Other than that, everything else is filed under: DUH. Including this story from Radar about some around-the-way-ho who claims she had a drug-fueled threesome with the Sheens.

While Charlie and Brooke are currently trying to dry out, one of their former fuck buddies is shopping her story around to the highest bidder. A source said, “Brooke is bisexual. She and Charlie have had more than one woman share their bed in the short time they’ve been married. Some of the women they slept with together also did drugs with them."

Radar says they don't know who the woman is, but it wouldn't be hard to figure out. They just have to follow Gloria Allred and she'll lead them to the skank in question. Seriously, I think Gloria trained her nose to sniff out celebrity semen housed in a mistresses' vagina. It's a gift, really.

And again, this story goes without saying. It's not like Charlie and Brooke did lines of the bad shit and then read Bible verses together. Although, I'd rather see that than a threesome sex tape (it's coming, so brace your retinas).