Drunks

Mimi stumbled out of Mr. Chow last night looking like a sturdy unicorn who ate too many fermented apples in the orchard. Mimi said herself that she's eternally 12, so she probably gets drunk just from drinking a Shirley Temple too fast. Or maybe homegirl didn't even drink at all and the alcohol in all the Dep gel she used to achieve those early 90s curls seeped into her skull giving her a buzz. Wait, that could be possible. I know what I'm doing tonight.

Luckily, Mimi's manservant, who dressed the part, was there to safely guide her drunk ass to the car.

A while ago there was an episode of The Doctors where they showed us all how to get the sweet nectar in our system on the down low. The key words being "down low." According to the episode, teens are getting their fix by shoving vodka tampons up their snatches and sticking a beer bong up their no-nos. This brings new meaning to the term "drunk pussy."

Well, ABC15 in Arizona says that vodka tampons and anal beer bongs are all the rage with kids as young as 12, because it's a way for them to get boozed without much detection. Stephanie Siete of a substance abuse center in Arizona said, "It's quicker absorption, it's hidden and it's new. For females, they're damaging their reproductive system." Yeah, but they won't notice that their vagina cave is dying a slow death, because they will be waaaaaaasted. Paaaartay while your pussay fries!

Stephanie added that kids in Arizona are also doing it Prince Hot Ginge-style by snorting vodka from the bottle.

Kids these fucking days! When I was 12, we were soooo not hardcore. We just used to get high by freebasing DayQuil and injecting battery acid between our toes.

And yes, getting drunk by sticking a vodka tampon up my ass is tempting, but the last thing I need is another visit to the free clinic. Methinks the "wind blew it up my ass" excuse won't work on them. Besides, who the hell wants to burn up their genitals?!!!! For some whores, the pussy and asshole is their check to cash. So basically you are burning up money! No fuck no.

VIA Gawker

Avril Lavigne hasn't really been in the spotlight for a while, because she's been busy scuba diving in a Jack Daniels bottle. Or maybe people just can't be bothered to lift their heads to see what she's been up to. I don't know. But I do know that Gatecrasher is saying that the rumors about her 3-year-old marriage to Deryck Whibley being in the shit hole are true. Avril and Deryck haven't been photographed together since last year and sources are saying it's because he doesn't approve of her drunken slutty ways.

This past weekend, Avril was spotted in Southampton partying with anybody with a peen. When a few paps got pictures of her with other dudes, Avril demanded that they delete that shit so there wouldn't be any evidence. Earlier in the summer, Avril was in St. Tropez without her husband and bitches were saying that she was acting like she wasn't married.

Oh, poor Deryck. Dude already looks like a bulldog's ass after getting penetrated with a taser gun, so I'm sure he looks extra grisly when he gets the sads. Deryck should definitely drop The Big D on Avril and present this evidence to the divorce judge:

That's Avril with Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. GUILTY!!!!!!! The judge will immediately grant the divorce and give EVERYTHING to Deryck.

Images: Wenn.com, INFDaily

Before we start, the true beauty all the way to the right owns this picture and she knows it. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to messy ass Melanie Griffith.

Melanie's rep tells Star Magazine that she has shuffled off to Lindsay Lohan's old snorting grounds, Cirque Lodge in Utah. Melanie's rep is trying to pass it off like some kind of tune-up. Dude farted in our eyes when he said, "She is there to reinforce her commitment to stay healthy. This is part of a routine plan that was designed between her and her doctors years ago."

But a source close to Melanie claims Antonio Banderas threatened to quit her ass if she didn't quickly back away from the bottle. Those are fightin' words! The source said, "The reason Melanie checked in was her husband was demanding that she get clean and sober. He told her that if she didn't get the help she needed it would be the end of their marriage."

Another source added that Antonio is holding her hand as she tries to get the bad shit demon off her back, "Melanie's struggling right now, but Antonio has been checking in on her as much as he is allowed, making sure she gets back on her feet."

You know, if I had to choose between Antonio Banderas' peen and booze, I'd probably choose the wang too. I mean, a bottle of Jack isn't going to make that pussay pop. Well, unless you put a little lube on the end of the bottle and... Okay, I'll stop.

Last night, Jessica Simpson and her friends celebrated Ken Pave's 56th birthday (I'm making up numbers) by getting wasted. They are doing the right thing, because that's what you do on birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals, during labor, weekends, weekdays, morning times, etc... etc....

These pictures are kind of hilarious, because it seems like chaos is happening all around them and Jessica's boozed up ass doesn't even notice! I mean, water was thrown and Ken Paves looks like he's got the angries in a bad way. Ken's glitter hole is whistling like a kettle, he's so mad! And there's Jessica: "Doo doo dooo doo doooo dooo dooo doo. O look, it's a purdy waterfall... doo dooo dooo dooo."

Bitch really does have it good. Drunk or sober, she never knows what the hell is going on with anything! Can you imagine always being dazed in the head without having to snort one line of the bad shit?! They say ignorance is bliss. Well, Jessica Simpson is bliss too.

It looks like Brad Pitt had a few dozen swigs of what we call holy water at last night's after-party for Inglourious Basterds in Berlin. Brad is making the exact same facial expression as Old Baby at the beginning of Benjamin Button. The Curious Case of German Beer!

OK! says that Brad didn't leave the after-party until 2 in the morning. Oooooooh, St. Angie is going to git him for this! She's going to punish him by making him sleep in the same room with her without his earplugs! That's torture since her hypnotic vagina hums all of Stravinsky's religious symphonies throughout the night. And it's always off-key.

Brad probably thought she'd never find out, but GOD is always watching. No, seriously, I think St. Angie pays God under the table to check in on Brad when she's not around.

I say let the old goat frolic through the drunk clouds every now and again. If I had a zillion screaming little deities at home, I'd be injecting liquid Percocet into my nipple holes every hour on the hour. So two (or twenty) beers is nothing.

On the drunk hour of Today this morning, Tori Spelling (who's filling in for Hoda Kotb) said it was "hump day." This caused a giant bubbly question mark to form above Kathie's head, because she claims she's never heard of the term "hump day" being used to describe the middle of the week. Kathie then said that "hump day" for her and Frank is usually on Thursdays. I would say that it's too early for this shit, but it's ALWAYS too early to hear about Kathie and Frank awkwardly smashing into each other's weathered genitals.

Crazy is really an amazing drug.

Jeffrey Donovan from USA's Burn Notice (and that "HE IS NOT MY SON" movie with St. Angie) was busted in Miami last week for driving with the drunks. The cops didn't have to work hard to catch Jeffrey. TMZ says that according to the police report, the arresting officer was sitting in his car when he heard a loud ass screech behind him. When he turned around, he saw Jeffrey's drunk ass swerving his car to avoid hitting the cop car. Jeffrey should've just jumped into the cops lap and held his hands out to be handcuffed. I mean, really...

When the cop approached Jeffrey's window, he immediately smell the sweet scent of life's nectar wafting out of Jeffrey's breathing area. Jeffrey told the cop, "Sorry, I didn't see the red light or your stopped car." When asked if he had anything to drink, Jeffrey answered, "I had three drinks at the Fontainebleau."

The cop gave him a sobriety test which Jeffrey failed with flying colors. After the cop delivered the news that he was about to go to the clink, Jeffrey said, "The only mistake I made tonight was drinking Benadryl with 3 glasses of wine." And he followed them gem up with another, "I really think I'm only borderline and not too drunk." If I got a dildo for every time I said that last line before falling over, I'd be drowning in plastic dicks.

Jeffrey should've taken his LOL lines further. Dude should've told the cops that the truth is the wine bottle violated him by forcing its juices down his throat. And that he's happy the cop is there so that he can file a report against the wine bottle. Actually, I bet Kiefer Sutherland has already used that excuse....

Ooooooh! Jakey G's ass lips were throbbing in anger last night, because the pappies just wouldn't get out of his life! Usually, my nipples don't howl for Jakey, but his "I Iz So Angry! WTF Iz Wrong Wit U?" face is giving me fever. Bitch could pass for a top!

The best part is that Reese doesn't really know what's going on, because bitch has the drunks in a major way. I think she's trying to stop the world from spinning so fast, so she won't vom in Jakey's lap. Then the bitch in Jakey would really pop out (to the tune of The Bitch Is Back)! Jakey does like a load of salty goo in his crotch, but not when it's lady barf.

How did Reese manage to get drunk? She seems like the type to only have little a sip of booze at New Year's. Reese's boring ass probably just drank a Shirley Temple too fast. Bitch should do that more often, because she actually looks happy in the face.

Here's angry Jakey, drunky Reese and Jenny Lewis leaving the Hollywood Bowl last night.

Hayden Pantaloons arrived at a screening for her movie I Love You, Beth Cooper in NYC last night baby-less. When she left the screening, she suddenly had an adorable babeh friend in her arms. Now, this is the same movie where Hayden drops her towel and reveals her "baby beluga whale on internet-bought roids" body. You do the second grade math. That baby isn't sleeping, she straight-up blacked out when Hayden's half-nekkid body came on the big screen! When she woke up and realized a troll was carrying her ass, she probably passed out again! Babies are smart enough to realize that trolls eat their finger nails and hair for dinner.

My favorite morning drunky, Kathie Lee Gifford, was also there with her daughter Cassidy. I'm sure K-Lee passed out too in the middle of the movie, but you can blame Lady Chardonnay for that one.