Drunks

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan's wallet and Cookie Puss' arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah's legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA's 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah's humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she's an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It's 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And "You're in your little tie and your little shoes...." is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

Dlisted guest blogger extraordinaire Sweetas e-mailed me last night about Kleptohan's latest act of thievery and she totally called when she said that crackburglar will cry out, "It's in the black girl's twat!" Because TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is pointing her sticky finger straight at Suge Knight's son Andrew Knight. You're probably not reading any of this, because as soon as you saw that picture of Andrew Knight, you immediately turned around to let him see that thong.

LiLo has reached deep up into her ass and pulled out one of her old excuses by blaming the black kid. Andrew Knight was also at the all-night party at Sam Magid's Hollywood Hills home when $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses went missing. Sam apparently told the police that on the day of the theft, two of LiLo's friends, Andrew Knight and another dude, came up to him and handed him a bag with a few pieces of the stolen stuff wrapped in HER t-shirt. It gets better. When Sam and LiLo talked about the burglary later on, she told him that she hid some of his expensive stuff around his house, because she didn't want the thieves to steal more shit. LiLo doesn't really remember where she hid the stuff, because she was high on Ambien at the time. Sam also told the cops that her last words to him were, "I'm sorry. Please pray for me." 

After LiLo put the blame on Suge Knight's son, he denied it all and the cops believe him, because LiLo is still their main suspect.

I don't know whether LiLo is the dumbest bitch alive or the boldest bitch alive, or a lot of both. I'm going to go with the former, because she truly is the worst jewel thief of all-time. My abuelita's half-blind fat chihuahua who has IBS would've done a better job. Ambien + a house full of cracked out bitches + $100,000 worth of jooree lying around = the easiest jewel heist ever.

Bitch should've drugged everybody with the Ambien, stole all that jewelry while they were all knocked out, quickly hid the stuff where nobody will ever look (examples: White Oprah's panties or the drawer where her agent keeps her headshots and resumes) and then come back to the house to rub some random party guest's hand all over the soon-to-be crime scene before passing out with everybody else. It's not hard!

Maybe the realization that she sucks at thieving will fall into her head when Suge Knight hangs her over a hotel balcony.

(Pics via Pacific Coast News and Splash)

The bad news is that Randy Travis is still disturbing the peace with his drunken acts of sad country song fuckery. The good news is that this time, Randy Travis didn't rub his butt sweat all over the backseat of a cop car. The other bad news is that Randy Travis' latest boozed up date with the cops didn't end with him walking away with a fresh pair of paper pants. Getting busted by the cops isn't so bad when you get a pair of paper pants out of it.

Randy Travisty was put in handcuffs earlier this year after he was caught high on the sweet nectar in front of a church near his house, and a little over two weeks ago he was busted for drunkenly crashing his car before taking all his panties off in public. TMZ says that Randy earned the latest jewel on his record at around 1 this morning when the police were called to a church parking lot in Plano, TX, because Randy and some other dude were scrappin' over a woman.

An officer tells People that the woman is apparently Randy's latest girlfriend and she was arguing with her estranged husband in the church parking lot. Being the drunken Captain Save A Ho that he is, Randy threw himself into the ring to defend his piece and started throwing fists at the husband. TMZ says that the husband must've delivered a serious WHOOP THAT TRICK citation on Randy's ass, because he was taken to the hospital to get his war wounds treated. But the officer tells People that Randy never went to the hospital and that he didn't seem drunk at the time. Randy was cited with simple assault and there were zero arrests.

First of all, if Randy wasn't drunk at 1 this morning, then neither was I (I was). Second of all, what is it with Randy getting messy on God's front lawn. The father, the son or the holy ghost need to turn a garden hose on his ridiculous ass next time. Why were the three of them fighting in the middle of a church parking lot, anyway? The only reasonable explanation for fighting in a church parking lot is if you're in a drug deal gone wrong, a threesome hook-up gone wrong or you all brought the same dish to the church bake sale.

We're all laughing at Randy's ass now, but watch in two year's time, Rebecca Black and Carly Rae Jepsen will be saying the words, "And the Grammy for Best Song goes to 'I Tore My Paper Pants In A Parking Lot Brawl' by Randy Travis!"

That headline is made of so much perfect that if someone tattooed it on a rubber peen mitten made of recycled Crocs, I'd probably wear it all the damn time. It's that perfect.

The 51-year-old co-founder of Crocs and philanthropist, George Boedecker, should be arrested and thrown into a window-less cell on Death Row for founding the company that is spreading the dark-sided, evil work of Lucifer on the feets of whores who don't realize that they're wearing a VIP ticket to the ninth circle on their hooves. But in Boulder, Colorado on Saturday night, George Boedecker was put into handcuffs for a different reason: crazy bitch got busted for driving his Porsche while on the wrong side of drunk. The Smoking Gun says that after Drunk George was pulled over, he showed everyone that he's obviously the valedrunktorian of Randy Travis' Night School Of Drunken Fuckery, because he gave the cops a performance.

Drunk George had a good reason for why his Porsche looked like it was being driven by a crazy sack of drunk. George told the cops that he wasn't driving the Porsche. George's really famous, country singer girlfriend was. When the cops asked who his girlfriend was, he said Taylor Swift. As the cops tried to swallow the laughs flooding out of their mouths, George said that Taylor is "batshit crazy" (seems about right) and after they got into an argument in his Porsche, she jumped out of the car and ran off. The cops asked George where she ran off to and he pointed to somebody's front yard and said, "Nashville." George didn't stop there and took his boozed-up antics of foolery to the next level when the cops asked him a couple of questions. It went like this:

Cop: What's your address?
Drunk George: "I have 17 fucking homes!"

Cop: Will you take a sobriety test?
Drunk George: "I'm not doing your fucking maneuvers!"

When the cops told George he was under arrest, he told them that he couldn't believe they were doing this to him "after everything he's done for this city" and then he told them to "go fuck yourselves in the ass." George declared the cops his "enemies for life" and promised to take their badges.

I love that the co-founder of Crocs is a fuck word-throwing lunatic. I love that in his mug shot, George looks like a dehydrated orange Croc that was just boiled in a pot full of liquid meth. I love that Taylor Swift is obviously just stalking the Kennedys to distract the media from the fact that she's really dating the co-founder of Crocs. I love that Taylor's next album will have the songs "Crocs in My Heart" and "Crocodile Crack Rock" in it. And I really love that when George was arrested, he had flip flops on his feet. I love all of this.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in) 

When Jessica Simpson gets a call on the hot dog phone next to her bed in the middle of the night on a Saturday, it's usually from a drunken Papa Joe asking her what she's wearing. But on the night of August 4th, Papa Joe called Jessica Simpson on the hot dog phone next to her bed to ask her to pick him up from jail....and then he asked her what she was wearing. TMZ says that Papa Joe put his Christian pastor values to good use last Saturday night when he drank some of the fermented blood of Christ before getting in his car to drive down Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks.

Papa Joe was driving along when a flashing police siren in his rear-view mirror made whatever buzz he had left in his system slip out of his b-hole, because his drunk time drive party for one was officially over. The cops walked up to Papa Joe's window and got the feeling that he was under the influence of booze, so they arrested him, took him down to jail and kept him there the entire night. Papa Joe was released the next morning without having to pay bail. Criminal charges against him haven't been filed yet.

Nowhere in TMZ's report does it say that the cop tested Papa Joe's state of drunkenness with a sobriety test or a breathalyzer blow, so I'm guessing the officers just got the sense that he was boozed up. Was it because Papa Joe pulled a Randy Travis and wasn't wearing pants when they pulled him over? Because Papa Joe never drives with pants on. Papa Joe always keeps it pant-less while driving, because he's always prepared to tickle his down low parts with one hand as a sexy young piece next to his car walks down the street. And it would be highly irresponsible of Papa Joe to use both of his hands to take his pants off while driving. Maybe the cops figured Papa Joe was drunk, because when they walked up to his window, he told them to squeeze them titties together and shake, shake, shake 'em for daddy, bitch. That doesn't mean Papa Joe's drunk! Because both Jessica and Ashlee will tell you that he does that even when he's sober.

Last we left drunken mess Randy Travis, he was arrested for living out a sad country song by drowning his sorrows with cups of the sweet nectar while parked in front of a baptist church near his house in Texas. Not much has changed since then. Randy is still spreading the foolery, is still out being a public drunk and is still getting arrested for his dumb bitch antics, but this time he's taken shit to a whole new level by taking off his panties for the cops.

While some of us were in dreamland, leaping across clouds made of Randy Travis' ex-wife's hair, his liquored up ass was on the side of a Texas road, yelling at the cops with his drunk peen hanging out. TMZ says that shortly after Randy crashed his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am into several construction zone barricades, the cops showed up and found him butt lips naked. Since Randy always has to give TMZ something to write about, he refused to take a breathalyzer. I will really be disappointed with Randy if he didn't grab each one of his butt cheeks, spread 'em wide and tell the cop to shove the breathalyzer up in there. You really haven't lived until you've blown a breathalyzer with your butt hole.

Randy was arrested immediately and thrown into the backseat of the trooper's car. As Randy's ass left sweat stains on the trooper's backseat, he threatened to shoot at all the officers who arrested him. It's unknown if Randy threatened to shoot them with a gun or shoot them with the possibly loaded weapon hanging off of his crotch. The cops weren't going to take any chances and were not about to get hit with a whiskey-infused jizz bullet shooting out of Randy's peen, so when they got to the station they covered him up with a t-shirt and some paper pants. Randy then threw Blue Steel eyes at the mug shot camera to try to distract us from all the face scratches and bruises he got in the crash. Randy was charged with DWI and for threatening an officer.

Okay, so Randy was as nekkid as nekkid can and threatened to shoot up all those cops, and he all he got was a pair of paper pants and a few charges? If that you or me, the cops would've tased us straight in the culo until our genitals started coughing up black smoke. But yet Randy gets paper pants. I want paper pants!

I guess driving like a mess while fully clothed is totally yesterday. The new thing is driving like a mess while your nipples are kissing air. Let's hope that Lindsay Lohan doesn't start following this new trend.

My morning time drunk idol is at it again. Angry whores threw "Do Not Pass Go, Report Directly To Rehab" cards at Kathie Lee Gifford a couple of months ago when she hiccuped out a chardonnay-laced oops by asking Martin Short how his wife was without realizing that his wife died a while ago. Kathie Lee apologized and turned an oops into a YAY by posthumously pouring one out into her mouth hole for Martin's wife. Well, Kathie Lee is up to her old tricks again and this time she's slightly offended Aretha Franklin.

On Today's Happy Time Drunk Hour yesterday morning, Kathie Lee and Hoda yapped about Aretha joining American Idol. Kathie Lee said that Aretha hates to fly, so that's going to be a problem, and that many of the young bitches auditioning might not even know who the Queen of Soul is. (Note: If you don't know who the Queen of Soul is, you should immediately be melted down into chaffing cream and smeared all over Aretha's legendary nipple plates.) Aretha is on top of this shit, because she immediately knocked the wine bottle out of Kathie Lee's mouth and handed that uneducated drunk a copy of the Encyclopedia of Aretha. Aretha set a trick straight with this statement to CNN:

"While I enjoy Kathie Lee and Hoda daily, her assessment is totally wrong! I've been to California from Detroit four times this year and Florida. I go wherever I choose to go comfortably on my custom bus.

Further, my audience and fans span the age of 8 to 90! And are multi-ethnic, and I am very well known to young adults, tweens and teens. Their parents play my music and I take care of my business whenever I sign on the dotted line!

I'm surprised Kathie Lee did not research my worldwide celebrity audience! She's usually right on top of things with a great sense of humor, but she's totally wrong this time. She should research me before she speaks about me. I'm sure she thought she was right; still enjoy Hoda and Kathie Lee!"

"I take care of my business whenever I sign on the dotted line!" are words to live by, but Aretha needs to do her research if she really thinks Kathie Lee is capable of doing research. Even if Today's interns wrote those Aretha facts on Kathie Lee's cards, she wouldn't be able to read them since reading words is hard when the studio is spinning and your best friend, Chateau Diana, is taking up all your attention by cooing out your name from across the room. That's why I don't do research! But I appreciate that Aretha provided some much-needed shade on a hot fucking day.

Ann Curry is pretty much out as co-host of Today and NBC will move her into a fancier role as foreign correspondent any day now. Everybody knows this now, but nobody knows who will get to inhale huge amounts of musky smugness while sitting next to Matt Lauer. Many have said that Matt will set next to a boiled, bland rutabaga who goes by the name of Savannah Guthrie, but Radar says that isn't happening. NBC has put several replacement possibilities in front of focus groups and they weren't feeling it for Savannah. But they were feeling it for Kathie Lee Gifford's partner in morning time drunkery Hoda Kotb. They all burp up hearts for Hoda and they think she should be pried away from Kathie Lee's pinot-stained claws to host the first two hours of Today. A source put it like this:

"Hoda scores off the charts in focus groups, and the audience can relate to her.

Hoda has a hard news background but is extremely comfortable discussing pop culture issues. She just has a warmth that viewers find comforting. She was very public with her breast cancer battle, and allowed cameras to follow her during her cancer treatments on Today. Hoda is a team player, and is so well liked by everyone at the show, most importantly, Matt Lauer. They have a very easy rapport and mutual respect.

The problem with Savannah is that in focus groups, she just doesn't score as high as Hoda does. NBC has been conducting focus groups to assist the network executives in determining who should replace Ann. Savannah is an extremely talented journalist, and she is extremely bright, but she only recently joined Today and viewers just aren't as comfortable with her."

I've always liked Hoda, because she's the patient friend who will calmly listen to the drunk ramblings of ridiculousness that pour out of your booze hole. Every drunk bitch needs a friend like that and Kathie Lee has hers in Hoda. That's why they can't tear Hoda and Kathie Lee apart. They belong together like gin and juice, like drunks and disco fries, like cooking wine and Shasta (don't act like you've never put those two together when you're out of wine coolers)...

What is Kathie Lee's drunk ass going to do without Hoda there to keep her in check? Kathie Lee's just going to sit at that table, licking on a bottle of a wine, because she's already so drunk that she forgot how to open one and is just going to lick through the glass to get to the delicious sweet nectar. Actually, that's some shit I want to see. HIRE HODA!

Lindsay Lohan's unofficial drunk mess protégé, Amanda Bynes, was charged today with DUI for allegedly sideswiping a cop car and driving away while the sweet nectar ran through her veins. Amanda refused to take a blood test or a breathalyzer, and she later claimed she never drinks. So we should just assume she's a natural wreck. Amanda further proved that point today by asking President Obama to put on his Captain Save A Ho hat and help her out.

If Amanda was joking, then she should start a career in comedy writing, because ho knows how to bring on the laughs. If Amanda wasn't joking, then she was definitely lying through her Tweet about the "I don't drink" thing, because her brain was obviously under the influence of booze, the bad shit and everything in her medicine cabinet when she wrote that shit.

And I know Obama has better things to do than deal with this trick, so I'll respond so he doesn't have to:

Hey @AmandaBynes Fuck off. The end. - bo

via People

There are many reasons why I love absolute mess Kathie Lee Gifford (Side Note: If Kathie Lee Gifford was a brand of vodka, she's be Absolut Mess.) and the clip above is one of them. Kathie Lee Gifford's job is to interview guests and to read facts about her guests on a card given to her by an intern who did a 5-second Wiki search on said guest. But who needs facts? Who needs research? Who needs all of that? If the fact card isn't liquefied down, fermented in a barrel for years and then poured into a clear wine bottle, Kathie Lee wants nothing to do with it. That's just her style of journalism and I'm all about it. So because of this, Kathie Lee's drunk ass had no idea that Martin Short's wife has been dead since 2010 when she asked him how long they've been married during an interview on Today this morning.

Kathie Lee went on and on like she's best friends with Martin and his wife. Like they go antiquing and bed and breakfast-ing each weekend. Kathie Lee told Hoda that Martin and his wife have one of the greatest marriages in the business that is show and then she asked him, "How many years now for you guys?” Martin played along, because being in show business for so long taught him how to deal with morning time drunks. Don't screw with their buzz and calmly watch as their train of thought crashes into the side of a building.

After the commercial, Kathie Lee put on her best sober face and apologized for not knowing that Martin's wife died of ovarion cancer in 2010. Kathie Lee said that during the break, Martin took her aside and broke the news to her. Martin then told Kathie that his wife "would've wanted to keep the conversation going." As Martin walked away from Kathie, he said under his breath, "keep the conversation going with a professional in rehab, because you're a drunk bitch of a mess."

via Gossip Cop