Drunks

The next time I'm drunk in Vegas, remind me to never get in Steve Ryan's shot, because he will slappity slap me in my whore mouth on live TV. On second tingle, Steven Ryan is kind of giving my genitals the shakes, so maybe I will get in his shot after all.

But seriously, is Steve Ryan new at this, because how many tubby drunktards do you think troll Downtown Las Vegas on a daily basis? MILLIONS! There's no need push his head. Steven Ryan could've just pointed far away and screamed, "Look! Free beer-filled pastries!" Dude would've been out of there lickity split!

I hope they made up after the camera stopped rolling and realized they were brought together for a reason. They should take their act on the road. Steve Ryan & Drunk Dude are the new Laurel & Hardy!

And the look on the lady anchors' faces is amazing. However, I didn't like that bitch's tone when she said, "Especially when people have a liiiiiiiiittle too much to drink." Don't judge Drunk Dude!

VIA Wonkette

Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested this past Saturday at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris after he put his fist into the face of a waiter who refused to serve him another glass booze. I know you're thinking that anybody who denies you a sip of life's elixir deserves a beating, but JRM has a little case of the Kiefer Sutherlands. JRM was arrested in 2007 for being a drunken wreck at the Dublin airport. That same year, he shuffled off to a rehab facility to dry out. And now here he is again...

People says that a boozy JRM was trying to get a drink before catching a flight, but the bartender was not cooperating. The bar manager was called over to settle JRM down, but a brawl of words went down. A waiter came over to try and stop the argument, but he ended up getting bitch punched in the face. The police were called and took JRM to a drunk tank to sober up for a few hours.

JRM and his marble eyes will have to appear before a judge in September to answer to the charges of "voluntary violence, contempt, issuing death threats and assault." Yes, JRM threatened to kill a bitch over a little of the sauce. If it's that serious, he should carry a damn flask. Better yet, he should train in the Wino ninja art of "booze and ditch." All he had to do was order a goddamn cup of tea. When the bartender ran off to get it, he just had to jump over the bar, take a swig and jump back. There's no need to bust a ho in the face!

HoHan is over in London, stalking SamRo, snorting up the country's supply of the bad shit and melting down in clubs. Yeah, HoHan is one of those friends who has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a club while you're trying to get your drunk on. Buzz. Kill.

Dean Piper of the Mirror says he witnessed HoHan curl up like a ball on the floor of London's Club Cuckoo. How fitting.

According to Dean, HoHan sat at the table next to him with a vodka drink in hand while mumbling shit like, “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” It's called a K-hole, honey. Shake it off.

Somebody else who was there added, “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown. She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting. Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

Seemed like a girl on the brink?! How about a girl who is riding first-class on the speed train to self-destruction. White Oprah's got a little conductor hat on and shouting "CHOO CHOO!"

I know we've all screamed about this a million times, but is it really so hard for White Oprah and Michael Lohan to pull their heads out of their own cunts and sort their daughter out. During Christmas one (every) year, I got drunk like a Wino and was acting the fool in the worst kind of way. My mother immediately grabbed my drink, poured it down the sink and told me to go sit in the bath tub until further notice. Why can't White Oprah do that? Send HoHan to the tub!

And here's our little caged bird leaving a business meeting with Emanuel Ungaro in London last night. The leggings and spray tan entrepreneur is expected to be named "creative consultant" of Ungaro.....

Dr. Drew is yapping about the future of Lindsay Lohan again and this time he's saying that he's afraid she might lose a limb. Just call her Lindsay NoHand (GONG!).

Dr. D told Parade (via NJ.com), "I'm convinced that she'll get sober one day. But I'm afraid that between now and then, she may get a nearly mortal wound of some type. I'm really convinced that something horrible is going to have to happen to her before she really gets over it and embraces sobriety. She needs to give it up. And it's going to be a while before she does. I have this image that she's going to lose a limb or something before she does. And it scares me."

Hoooold up. Why would she lose a limb? Does excessive boozing and bonging cause your arms to fall off? Because if that's the case, half of us here will be typing with our noses in about 10 years. The bars will be filled with amputees drinking beer through a straw. Thankfully, a skilled ho doesn't need arms to suck dick.

And if HoHan does lose a limb, I hope it's the useless one orange one with a raggedy blonde mop that's always hanging on her ass for a dime (bag).

Here's some pictures of HoHan out in London last night. Go ahead and give three cheers for her bodyguard, because he hit her in the face while making their way into a club. You know that was a premeditated bitch slap! He's been planning it for weeks.

The Daily Mail has a long sadful tale of Amy Wino's downward spiral in St. Lucia. For those of you have the attention span of a crackhead with ADD, I'll give it to you quick. Basically, Wino isn't doing shit down. The label sends hos down there to listen to her new shit and they aren't impressed. Wino says she still loves Blaaaaake, but is happy that he's having a baby with another bird. Wino is over crack, but she's now cuddling up to a new poison: TEQUILA!!!!!!!!!!! Did somebody say tequila?????

The reporter from the DM caught up with her one morning at her hotel bar. Wino was on her second tequila shot by 9 in the morning. This was considered a slow morning for Wino, because usually she would've gulped her 6th shot by then. The bartender wouldn't give her a third and instead served her a cup of chamomile tea. When the bartender walked away for a second, Wino jumped back there and had a quickie with the tequila bottle. When the bartender came back, Wino asked for another shot. Her request was denied, but the Wino was not defeated. She kept sneaking shots whenever the bartender shuffled away for a second.

The entire resort knows about Wino's tequila addiction. The maids are regularly sent out to buy more whenever Wino has downed their entire stock. Mitch Wino was looking after his daughter, but when she started going at the booze in a major way, he ran back to England. Mitch said, "I've decided to distance myself, and whatever happens, happens. It's her life and it's her decision."

Yes, Wino is still a mess, but my question is why is in St. Lucia? If homegirl has the major thirsties for tequila why isn't she down in Mexico? In certain parts of Mexico, tequila comes out of the faucets. Even some of the toilets are filled with tequila. That makes it extra easy to drop and reload! I'm pretty sure that if they ever run out of tequila down there the entire country will be shut down, so that's not even an option. Listen to me. I'm a total enabler. But we are talking about tequila here.

Here's the tequila fiend with her new alkie apprentice in St. Lucia yesterday.

After watching a preview for the new season of Jon & Possum'Do Plus 8, I'm wondering if Jon loves the sweet booze in a serious way? Yeah, I know that if any of us had to live with Kate, we'd probably be injecting a mixture of heroin, morphine and Paula Adul's special homebrew into our toe cleavage on an hourly basis, so I understand if Jon is a total drunk. I mean, he has that Asian glow thing going on through most of the clip. Or maybe his face is always read, because Kate is constantly slapping at it. Could be.

I love the end of the clip where they are sitting all far apart and then Jon slowly gives her a side-eye followed by a slight eye shank. Drama! TLC is fucking good. I didn't even know this show was alive before all the theatrics went down and now I will be watching this crap on Monday like an asshole.

And by "her thing," I mean filling her bony ass body with so much of the sweet nectar that she ends up collapsing on the floor. Party buzz killer! Yeah, our little Drunky of the Caribbean has done it again. The Sun says that last Friday, Wino was in her villa swallowing booze by the gallons when she got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. The nurses at the hospital probably gave a "This drunk bitch again" face when she was wheeled in. They just jump-started her liver and said, "See you next week!"

A source said that Wino was only in the hospital for a few hours and was discharged that same night. This was the third time in three months. Friends think that Wino's mega boozing might keep her from performing in the UK in a couple of weeks. Wino is scheduled to play London's Shepherd’s Bush Empire on May 31st, but it's looking highly unlikely. A friend said, “Amy’s gig might as well be canceled now. She’s not going to make it. It’s not worth her while even if she does make it, it will be a shambles. She is not ready for it and she proved it at the festival.”

Yeah, I think the UK has already closed their borders to anybody with the name Amy Winehouse who smells like roach poop, banana skins and bar slime. So her big comeback isn't going to happen.

But what I want to know is, how is St. Lucia not completely dry yet? Do gigantic ships filled with thousands of crates of booze arrived every hour just for Wino?! Are bars just serving her sea water with a drop of ether in it? I don't understand. And Wino could've saved herself a few million coins if she checked into Sandals instead. That shit is all-inclusive. Sandals would've went bankrupt within a couple of days, though. Weeeeeee!

Tara Reid just can't stop getting thirstay for the sweet sweet nectar. America's biggest wreck got out of rehab a few of months ago and I guess that shit didn't stick. Tara was in Cannes over the weekend looking like she just crawled out of an Andre bottle that was laying in the gutter for a couple of weeks. Even her weave tracks are trying to sneak out down below, because they are sick of her constant drunkery. Bitch's barfy weave looks like something Kim Zolciak's road kill wig farted up. Tara needs a rake and some Hazmat-made conditioner.

And is it just me or does Tara's boyfriend-thing kind of look like Michael Imperioli's older and slower brother?

The crack rock of my eye, Shane MacGowan of The Pogues, used to have the mouth of a day-shift truck stop methwhore who is famous for giving handjobs with her mouth (copyright: Hipster Grifter). Well, gone are the days of eating nothing but mushy Crack-O-Meal, because Shane got new teefs! The Sun says Shane stumbled on over to Spain so that a dentist could fill with mouth with shiny grey Chiclets! Shane said he only had the surgery, because his face was "falling apart."

Aw. Don't you kind of miss the old Shane? His mouth looked like the inside of a bag of melted Gummi Bears and there was something endearing about that. Although, it probably won't be long before Shane's got his beautiful old mouth back after he finds a dealer who will trade a baggie of the bad shit for a toof!

Someone must have fed Janice Dickinson vodka after sundown yesterday, because she went on a rampage outside of Nobu! Janice unleashed her claws at the pappies after one said she was a "distraction." Janice meant to do some major damage, because she flashed her Janey's Got A Gun nalgas at them. Lenses shattered!

Not only did drunk ass Janice have to worry about keeping her drunk barfs at bay, but she also had to make sure the pappies weren't getting pictures of her cougar chocha. Janice should know better by now and put a collar on it.

As much as I love seeing Janice acting like this, she really needs to save her rage for the jungle. Janice is leaving for Costa Rica soon to film that I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here with Heidi and Spencer. I fully expect Janice to release her wrath on both of them until they are nothing but a puddle of liquid plastic on the ground. Then Janice will inject them into her lips (both sets, because that's how she does it).