Drunks

Kate Moss woke up at 6pm the other day and thought to herself, "Tonight, I want to look like the lounge singer love child of an episode of Star Trek from the 80s and the movie Xanadu as seen through the eyes of Sasha Fierce." Balmain granted Kate's wish and she thanked them by ripping that shit up at 4am after a night of saucing and snorting. Although, maybe Kate's drunktardian ways had nothing to do with her wrecking that dress. I mean, she was in the company of an extral-large vanillasicle milkshake. David Walliams' hotness will make any ho split their pants, panties, dress and ass. Bitch can give you an extra ass crack!

Look at the last thumbnail below. David caught a glimpse of his sexiness in the rear-view mirror which caused him to jizz his own pants. Even he is not safe.

Last month, the big-tittied frog shamed herself even more as the opening act on Rascal Flatt's tour. Jessica Simpson celebrated the end of her career the tour by diving head first in the booze bottle and not coming out. This has her boyfriend, Tony Romo Ribs, all angry-like and shit.

A source told The National Enquirer, "Tony is fed up. She's been pressuring him to marry her and have children, but he's giving her a firm 'no' until she cleans up her act. Tony won't even consider moving forward with Jess until she cuts back on partying."

That's gross. I don't care how good a dude can dick you, if he says "It's either me or the bo-," drop the peen and proceed to the nearest exit. If it starts with a BO and he's making you give it up, that's not a good thing. It could be booze, Boones Farms, boobs, bongs, Booty Call (Vivica's finest work), etc.... You should not stick around to find out what he's making you quit!

Although, Jessica's career is the Mother's Circus Animal Cookie that has been rotting under my refrigerator for the past 6-months, so maybe she should tell Tony's she's off the sweet nectar and marry him to get her greasy hands on his cash. She could always fill a Listerine bottle with whiskey and chug it whenever Tony's got his head turned. Money before booze. Papa Joe would give me a (click only if you want to cream your panties) TITTY DANCE for writing that. And then I'd have to call the authorities.

Michelle Rodriguez must have not gotten her usual daily dose of twatty milk while at a friend's four-day wedding in the Dominican Republic this weekend, because the dyke went "polar bear stalking" nuts!

Page Six says that at the welcome dinner, the bodybuilder bulldog pushed fully-clothed guests into the pool for jizz and giggles. WELCOME! Here's a mouth full of chlorine. Yay! At the bachelorette party the next night, MRod got her peen lips in a twist over the stripper. She reportedly screamed that the wang dancer was "fat and had a small dick." Before she stomped off to find a cunt to bump, she yelled, "This is the kind of thing that brings out the bisexual in me."

MRod doesn't like her dicks in size tiny. She likes her dicks turned inside out and pushed into the crotch with a fat clit attached.

MRod needs a career change! She needs to go from angry lezzie in movies to angry lezzie at weddings! Most of the weddings I have been to would've been so much better with a mouthy dyke going on about small dicks! MRod will work for Jack and snatch.

What happens to Kate Moss when she stops drinking alcohol? Does she turn into a Gremlin? Does her overworked liver take the opportunity to finally quit that bitch? Will the alcohol industry request a bail out? Well, whatever happens, we're about to find out, because Kate Moss is off the sweet sweet nectar after she got a fungal infection on one of her feet. No, she didn't stick her toe in the wrong asshole, she claims she picked it up during a janky manicure in New York. Kate is now on antibiotics so she isn't allowed to drink a drop of booze.

A friend told The Sun, “She is certain she caught a fungal infection from the cheap salon. She’s really annoyed as she was looking forward to wearing open-toe sandals now that the weather is heating up. But she’s going to have to keep her feet undercover for a little longer.”

More like she gave a fungal infection to the cheap salon. We're all friends here, let's be honest. But I really feel for Kate. She can't show off snaggle claws and she can't drink any delicious life juice. It's a good thing she has another foot, so she can still inject the bad shit in between her toes. I knew there was a reason God gave us two feet!

Image: Fame Pictures

Lily Allen played L.A. last night and during her cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah" (which Lily strangely pronounces "Womanizer"), a cokey freckled mess stumbled on stage for absolutely no reason. Blohan popped out of nowhere, whispered something to Lily, gave her a side-hug, threw her skanky bones up in the air, busted a move like a special needs chimp, played a game of Hide-N-Seek behind Lily and then staggered off. I think I just witnessed a drug deal.

Why else would Lily bring Blohan on stage? That's not exactly something you flaunt. A Lohan is something you only bring out at parties when it's time to go skiing. Other than that, you keep that filthy little secret to yourself!

The crackery cracks at the 3:30 mark in the video above.

It makes sense that Larry Birkhead would party at the Rainbow Room since he probably loves rainbows so much. I mean, that's where his glistening hair came from. It checked out of 1992 and slid down the rainbow onto Larry's head. It's Larry's shiny mop of highlights that gets him all the hos. Last night after leaving the club, Larry did gross mouth things with some Rock of Love Bang Bus reject while some loud ass blondie yammered on to the cameras.

Seriously, I think the character of Jerri Blanks was loosely based on that bitch. Bitch's body says 40-something receptionist at a hair salon in Kentucky, but her outfit says tweentardian who wrote a lullaby to Robert Pattinson and posted it on YouTube. At least she didn't bring her Tini Puppini to the club, but you know that was hard for her.

Kate Moss loves the bad shit, but apparently it doesn't love her back, because it turns her into a raging beastly wolf who will knock down bathroom stall doors to get a little time with it. Last week, the mother of the millennium partied for four straight nights in a row and it the fun came to a crash when she flipped out in the bathroom at a club in London.

The Sun says that the big bad whorebag blew into the ladies room at Volstead and caused chaos when she found out all the stalls were taken. That selfish ass whore bag! Other skanks need their nose medicine too! Damn. A source said, “She barged into the ladies and when she realised there were no cubicles free she starting kicking one of the doors, shouting: ‘Hurry up or I’ll kick the fucking door down." Yeah, I'm sure she screamed, "I'll chop and I'll cut and I'll snort your lines up!"

The bathroom attendant tried to calm Kate down and gave her some tissue to use when it was her turn. Kate threw it back and shouted, "I don’t want any of your skanky toilet roll.”

If a toilet roll had eyes, it would have given Kate a side-eye that could kill. Who the fuck is that bitch calling a skanky toilet roll?! In fact, Kate's Wikipedia page should say "Katherine 'Kate' Moss is an English model and a skanky toilet roll."

Kate Moss isn't going to let a pesky thing called "having a child at home" get in the way of her partying until the early morning hours all week. If momma doesn't get her pussy drunk, she's not happy.

The Sun says Kate partied like a Moss for the fourth night in a row yesterday with Count Von Count. Kate didn't roll up into her house until after 4 in the morning. And about halfway through her night, bitch changed outfits, because her first one probably got a little dusty with coke particles.

Don't worry about Kate's little girl! Children can take care of themselves these days. Just plop them in front of the TV, give them an empty Jack Daniels bottle to play with and a Goo Goo Cluster to eat for dinner. Hey, it has nuts and that's protein!

At a Fendi party in Paris last night, the human 8-ball known as Kate Moss did what she does best while sitting with young Leonetta Fendi. First of all, she was watching Beth Ditto shaking her ham hocks so you'd be out-of-your-brains tanked too. Second of all, Lil' Leonetta is learning how to be a fucked-up mess from one of the best! You have to learn some day, so you might as well as learn from the cokey master! Although, Leonetta is sitting a little too close. She could accidentally breath in a rogue particle. At this point, she should be observing, not participating. But you know Kate asked her if she was holding.

This shit was a Fendi party and I couldn't find any pictures of Karl Lagerfeld! The zombie queen probably died for good when Beth Ditto stripped down and started jiggling her business. You know that shit's a good party when Kate Moss is boozing with a child and the living dead dies.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is back in the tank for the third time in less than 4 years. JRM spent a little time at Promises Malibu in 2005. Two years later, he gave rehab another shot. In 2007, he was arrested for being a drunk mess at an airport a few days after his mom passed away.

The Independent says he's getting treatment at a facility in England for booze addiction.

I figured it was coke too. His eyes are serenading me with their own version of "White Lines." Shit, those eyes look like they can separate and cut lines perfectly. Now, that's a party trick.

A source said that the producers of The Tudors kind of tapped him on the shoulder to let him know that he might want crawl out of the bottle and get a little help. The source went on to say, "He is one of the nicest guys in the world, he's a pleasure to work with. He has his demons, and he's trying to cope with them as best he can."

It's not a coincident that JRM has worked with Tommy Girl. You know Tommy flashed his alien ass snatch at JRM at least once. There's his fucking demons, right there.

VIA Contact Music