Drunks

If you ever find yourself about to have a Natty Ice party in Johnnie Ed Roberts's pick-up truck, make sure you bring a case of Pampers, a roll of Brawny, some baby wipes or at least a Go Girl with you. This bitch is a pisser in every single way.

50-year-old Johnnie Boy was driving down the street in Fort Pierce, FL with a can of the always elegant Natty Ice in his hand and another one on top of his truck when he was pulled over. The fun was killed by THE MAN!

The police were alerted by a 911 caller who witnessed Johnnie's truck doing the mambo all over the road. When the officer strolled up to Johnnie's window, he noticed there was a piss pool in ole' boys' lap. When the officer ordered Johnnie out of the truck, bitch was a stumbling ass drunk. When asked to perform several sobreity tests, Johnnie, responded, “You a motherfucker and ain’t all that.”

And that's the code phrase for a luxurious night in the click! Johnnie was immediately arrested. On the car ride to the jail house, Johnnie got pissed again. Literally. Right there in the car. When they finally got to the station, guess what happened? Johnnie went pee times all over himself yet again. Homeboy is giving Fuggie Fug a run for her money in the Pissy Pants Olympics.

Johnnie was charged with DUI and for saying "fuck no" to a breath test. Because when officers asked him to take blow into a breathalyzer, he sucked instead. That right there, is how it's done. You know, so many drunk whores have blown into that shit that I'm sure there's some booze up in there. Johnnie was sucking it out. Natty Ice makes your brains smart.

Let this be a warning to all you whores who like to enjoy the sophistication of a Naughty Ice while on the run. Bring your Go Girl along, because the piss will be a flowin'. And as my friend Yasmine pointed out, a Go Girl can also double as a portable beer bong! Perfection!

Source: TCPalm (Thanks Nacha)

Amy Wino is downing dicks and booze by the dozen while she's "drying out" in St. Lucia. Blaaaaake threatened to quit her ass because she was clit slapping some dude named Josh Bowman. Wino shrugged it off and said her heart will always belong to Blaaaake but she's gonna pass around the puss while she's on holiday. The Sun says Wino found another taker.

Some source said Wino has had her eye on a dude who teaches tennis lessons at the resort she's staying at. The source went on to say, "He is another clean-cut, handsome, healthy bloke, much like Josh. He teaches tennis and other sports at the resort where Amy stayed before she moved to the villa. Amy’s really into him.”

Has this source seen Wino's new piece? I mean, Wino is walking around all day with booze goggles, so the dude could be a garden gnome for all we know. That drunk bitch has probably been flirting with inanimate objects thinking they are horny hunks. She found a tall, skinny piece who gives the best crotch tongue kisses. Little does she know that she's really been sticking her vag on a garden hose. Seriously. A horny drunk crackie doesn't know the difference.

Now it's time for a dose of the sads. Below is a video of Wino wailing out "Puppy Love" in the hotel's dining room. That shit made a box of Kleenex from across the room shuffle over to my side and lean towards me.

Joaquin Phoenix crawled out from under one of the Abandonded Couch's seat cushions, where he's been living, to host some party at Lavo in Las Vegas last night. They should have changed that club name to Lavado for the night, because that's what Joaquin needs to do. Preferably in a HazMat facility and in a stainless steel tub filled with RID. You know there's some mutant lice-flea-scabie creatures living on his nasty ass. Just looking at him makes my skin itch like there's tiny hobo animals burrowing into my pores.

Those are some dumb bitches who are posing that close to him. I won't feel sorry for them when they wake up with maggots in their cooch or assholes. That's what they get. If I entered a club and Joaquin was there, I would quit that bitch in a second and put in an anonymous tip to the CDC.

Sucking on his peen must be like eating a spoonful of rancid cottage cheese. You'll have to gargle with battery acid to get the taste out.

Anyway, Casey Affleck was also there last night because he's directing a documentary about Joaquin trying to break into the rap game. Yes, a fucking rapper. Sorry, but if I want to watch a drunk ass hobo try to rap, I'll take the damn subway during rush hour.

When us mega sluts aren't sucking dick in between subway cars after rush hour (sometimes there's nowhere to go), we're getting absolutely wasted. It's a life! Sienna Miller did a little of the latter last night in London. And her ball and chain peen Balthazary Getty was not around. So when the peen is away, the pussy will play.

Sienna left a club with Cillian Murphy and some "Michael Kors after Jenny Craig-looking" gay. If Cillian's wife was smart, she would've put The Club on her husband's dick before he went out with Sienna. Or at least stuck a Lojack in his ass. You know how Sienna plays. When she sees a shiny wedding ring, it's just a matter of time before she's wearing it on her clit.

No, not these two twats. I'm talking about the hot bitch in this story. Whoever you are, come up and collect your prize: a taint slap from me and a hall-full bottle of Svedka (it was on sale!).

At HBO's Golden Globes party, some drunk bitch stumbled up to Brad Pitt and tried to hold the booze barf when she told him that he looked fugly in that BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit! A source told This Is London, “Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ugly as a dog'.”

The source went on, “Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad's face. She then said, And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible', before marching off. Brad's buddies cracked up laughing.”

This drunk bitch is the voice of the people!!! She needs to be our next Speaker of the House, because she speaks the truth.....after a few Appletinis, Boilermakers and Kamikaze shots.

And can somebody tell Jennifer Aniston that she needs to get wasted more often at industry parties! Also let her know that I'm keeping her prize in my freezer. It's waiting.....

That Rip Torn just likes a little warm booze in his system while he goes Christmas tree shopping, but unfortunately Rip took the party behind the wheel. Picture this: 77-year-old Rip was humming along, driving in the breakdown lane on Route 44 in Connecticut with a Christmas tree tied to the roof of his Subaru! I'm hoping there was a sneaky forest animal with a digital camera, because that picture would make a beautiful holiday image. Hallmark would sell the fuck out of that shit.

Rip's holiday fun times came to an end when he was pulled over by the cops. Don't you just hate it when the police kill your buzz? E! News reports that the pepaw refused to do a sobriety test, because he said the ground wasn't level. HA! I can hear him screaming, "The ground is moving! That's not fair! It's not right because the ground is moving up, down, back and forth! It's like a wave!"

Rip was also driving without a license, because he lost his in 2007 after pleaded guilty to another DUI (that's where the magical mug shot above is from).

Rip was charged with illegal operation of a motor vehicle while under the influence and failure to drive in the proper lane. He pleaded not guilty (because the ground was moving!) and is due back in court on January 28.

This is Pepaw Rip's third DUI in the past five years.

I think it's time Pepaw Rip keeps the good times at home where the floor doesn't constantly move and the Werther's Originals are a'flowin!

And I've got the sads, because we don't have a new mug shot from Rip. I'm guessing it looks just like the one above, but he's wearing a jolly Santey Claus hat instead!

I never in my life thought I would want to party and do hood rat stuff with Charles Barkley, but now that's all I want to do after reading this shit. So, Charles was busted for DUI in Arizona early this morning. According to the police report, when the cop pulled him over for running a stop sign, Charles said he was just in a rush to get his dick sucked! If I was the officer, I'd let the bitch go on his way. I'm all about hos sucking dick and getting their dicked sucked.

TMZ says the officer wrote in his report, "He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a 'blow job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."

This explains Charles' sweaty mug shot above. He was suffering from a bad case of blue balls. Now, if Charles' ho was so skilled at sucking dick, she should be a master at road head. There's no need to pull over! Any expert peen sucker knows just how to handle it without your head touching the steering wheel. A real pro can even shift gears while making out with the wang.

Charles' comedy act didn't stop there. At the police station, drunk ass Charles told one of the employees that if they got him out of the DUI, he'd tattoo HIS name on THEIR ass. Charles then laughed it off and corrected himself by saying he'd tattoo THEIR name on HIS ass. He's a comedic genius. I think I'm going to tattoo Charles' entire police report on my ass.

Because I'm a serious journalist, I did a little research on Charles and found that he's still married with one kid. He's also considering running for the Governor of Alabama in 2010. Let's see: Charles is a gambling addict, was arrested for drunk driving, and will run a stop sign in order to get a little good head from some random trick. No need for election. It sounds like he has all the qualifications needed to become Alabama's next Governor!

No, Diddy, he hasn't been moisturizing the sexy. Joaquin hasn't even been bathing the sexy. Obviously.

Joaquin Phoenix said "Bye! Good" to Hollywood and hello to ass bush bugs, seven layer cheese dick and fly nests in his ears. This is what fucking happens when you snort too much bunk coke and drink too many random cocktails left on the bar. I just want to give him a can of RAID and some Hazmat-approved antibacterial soap, because you know there's baby roaches living in that beard.

That being said, I'd hit it with a clothespin on my nose. Well, his sparkly hair clip is fancy!

Here's Joaquin, Casey Affleck, Brett Ratner and Diddy at a douche convention in Miami two nights ago. I bet you Joaquin only talks in his own language, because he thinks the government can hear all his conversations.

Charles Barkley and Doug from Trading Spaces did it all wrong. You're supposed to get arrested for DUI after midnight tonight and not earlier! Way to celebrate New Year's a little too soon. Idiots!

So, these two pair of shit brains were both busted for driving while having booze in the blood. Charles was caught early this morning in Arizona. TMZ says he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving while going through a DUI checkpoint. The po po tested his blood at the checkpoint, busted his ass and then transported him to the jail house. He was released a little while later and nobody came to pick him up, because he took a taxi home. He probably went to the nearest bar.... Well, if you got arrested, wouldn't you need a drink afterwards? I would think so.

Then there's Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces. He was always my least favorite designer. The prick. Let's face it, his art is fugly. Hildy wouldn't pull this shit! Doug was popped early yesterday morning in Decatur, Illinois after he didn't slow down to a police car with its siren on. The cop pulled him over and killed the party. Doug must have also brought the party with him, because in addition to being arrested for aggravated DUI, he was also busted for illegal transportation of alcohol and driving on a suspended license. He was later released on $1,000 bond.

I'm a little surprised that Doug was busted for driving drunk and not sucking dick drunk in a public place. I bet Doug and Vern always licked each other's ass lips in the Trading Spaces wood shop van while Ty jacked to them.

You know, since I've been in California these past few days, I realized the main reason I live in NYC: CABS! CABS! CABS! You cannot booze to your heart's content here unless you rely on some other bitch driving you home. It's sad when you have to deny the alcohol at bars, because you know you don't want to be driving drunk. Saying no to the booze really hurts me where it counts. In NYC, you just have to worry about telling the cabbies where you live while you're wasted. That's why you should always carry your address around with you to give to cab drivers. Oh and you also have to worry about barfing in the back of their car. I've done that a couple of times and for some strange reason, they don't like it. Go figure.

Anydrunks, Happy New Year to Charles and Doug! Hopefully, they will spend their night getting tanked in the privacy of their own bathroom. And all of you should stay away from DUI checkpoints tonight. I hate those things! I get scared passing through them when I'm sober! I see a DUI checkpoint and I suddenly feel drunk and guilty even when I'm not. It's like church all over again. It sucks.

That's because it was her birthday. Most of whores like to get completely obliterated on our birfdays, because getting old is pretty gross and depressing. Well, Chyna might have gone a little too far. TMZ says that Chyna was admitted into the hospital yesterday morning, because she over did it with the rubber chicken shots and it didn't mix well with her prescription pills. That's a problem.

Chyna threw a little birthday soiree at her home in Burbank and the paramedics were called at about 5am when friends found her giant ass passed out with cuts on her arms. She was immediately put on a forklift and transported to the hospital. I'm joking about the forklift part. They really used a tractor.

At the hospital, Chyna was so fucking wasted that they couldn't do a proper psych evaluation on her. They had to wait until the bitch sobered up.

Chyna later told TMZ at the hospital that also she wanted was a "hamburger and fries." Straight up, I know what she's talking about. When you're swimming in a big bottle of booze, the only thing you really want is a damn burger and fries. Sometimes you want a taco, but mostly you want burger and fries. Especially some fucking chili cheese fries with extra grease. Shit. Sometimes when I'm drunk I'm tempted just to ask the bitches at McDonald's if I can stick a straw in one of their grease jugs and drink that shit up. Skip the middle man.

You know, I'm going to go ahead and blame all Chyna's troubles on her Little Shop of Horrors clit. If Dr. Drew couldn't even help her ass, then there's a bigger issue here. The bigger issue being her evil roid clit. I bet you it tells her to drink more and to take more pills. It totally talks. Her "feed me" clitoris probably even told her to get it a burger and fries, because it was hungry.

And now I must go and get a burger and fries, because this post made me hungry. I will eat one (or three) for Chyna!