Drunks

Stephanie Tanner and her estranged husband of like 5-minutes, Cody Herpin, were in an Orange County, CA court room this morning for an emergency custody hearing. During the hearing, the judge ordered that Jodie Sweetin can't be with her 8-month-old daughter Zoie without one of her parents present. This is beyond "how rude!"

Herpes told the judge that his former meth head wife is a shitty mom who shouldn't be alone with their daughter. Herpes said Jodie once drove drunk with their baby in the car. Some doctor-type confirmed that Jodie was back on the booze for a quick minute, but said that she's been talking to her sponsor and going to AA meetings.

Herpes' lawyer told People that they know she's boozing, "but there's also concern regarding methamphetamines."

TMZ says that both Herpes and Sweetin have to get drug tested before the next hearing.

Uncle Jesse, come get this bitch and sort her out by playing your acoustic guitar and sharing your words of wisdom with her ! Better yet, Stephanie Tanner should move in with Kimmy Gibbler. They never liked each other's asses, but now is the time for them to bond. Kimmy can help this mess get off the meth and the booze! Kimmy can do anything. Kimmy should also open a halfway house for meth heads. Reality TV cameras have to be involved, of course. They can call it Full Halfway House!

Before you get too wasted to make out the words on the screen, I want to wish all of you whores a very Happy Thanksgiving(and receiving) Day. Yes, it's an American holiday, but everyone can celebrate. It's easy! Just get mega drunk, yell at your family members for not understanding you and then pass out in front of the TV. After you black out for a few hours, wake up at 3am, eat cold stuffing which has been sitting out on the kitchen counter and then make yourself another cocktail with Martinelli's from the kid's table and gin (the vodka will probably be all gone). See, anyone can do it!

I also want to take a little time out to give thanks to the most 5 most important things in my life this year:

Chicken Cutlets - Without her, I wouldn't get my daily allowance of poultry and cheese.
The Empress of Lucite - Without her, I wouldn't know what true glamour really is.
Rojo Caliente - Without her, I wouldn't know what natural beauty looks like.
The Puppy Cam - Without them, I wouldn't know how to love.
And all of you whores!!! - Awww. I know. Let's all uncomfortably hug while giving each other the side-eye. I will drink a few bottles of Asti Spumante in your honor tonight!

Happy Booze and Barf day everyone!!

(Image VIA Flickr)

Joaquin, Joaquin, Joaquin... Have you been smoking out with Ashley Todd?

So... As some of you may know, Joaquin Phoenix is saying "BYE! GOOD" to his thespian days and focusing all his precious time on music (aka toking, boozing and strumming a guitar every now and again).

Last night, Joaquin rolled out of his refrigerator box house, picked a couple of rogue scabies off of his one good jacket, fished a half-smoked ciggie from the gutter and showed up to the premiere of his final movie "Two Lovers" with a "BYE! GOOD" message to Hollywood.

It's going to be interesting to see how this dyslexic little drunkard (like I should talk) will be writing songs for his new music career! The thing is, in two or three years when he's blown all of his cash on hookers and hooch, he'll probably come crawling back to Hollywood on his knees like a crackie sucking dick in a truck stop bathroom stall hoping bitches don't notice. He'll go around begging for the leading role in the direct to DVD feature, Walk The Line 2: The Passion Of The Cash.

That being said, I'd hit it, hairlip and all! Or should I say, "It! Hit I'd".

Joaquin Phoenix has had it with the movie making business, so he's devoting all his time to developing the music in his heart. At a benefit for Paul Newman last night, he told Extra TV, "I want to take this opportunity... also to give you the exclusive and just talk a little bit about the fact that this will be my last performance as an actor... I'm not doing films anymore."

I wonder how many times he hiccuped or temporarily blacked out while he said that shit? His breath probably reeked of Jack Daniels, Cloves and rubbing alcohol. Breathalyzers from miles away exploded when he opened his mouth.

When asked if he was serious, Joaquin continued to let the booze talk and said, "Yeah. I'm working on my music. I'm done. I've been through that." Joaquin's friend, Casey Affleck, chimed in, "I don't think he's kidding. He's got music and stuff."

And by "stuff" he means some good chronic and a stocked liquor cabinet.

Extra also asked Joaquin's spokesbitch who said, "That is what he told me."

Wait. He's joking, right?! This can't be true, because I really need him to star in a sequel to "SpaceCamp."

Pink is out promoting an album so now is a good time as any to talk about her problems with ze booze. Pink said she checked into a "health center" this past summer because she started binge drinking and was afraid she developed a nasty little habit.

She says, "A few months ago, I went to see a specialist because I thought I was an alcoholic. I have a problem with my vices. I've kicked the drugs, but every now and then I have to go out and get completely wasted on alcohol. For me it's about losing control. I'm such a control freak it's very hard for me to lose my inhibitions without something chemical inside me. How do you really have fun if there isn't a little drink in you? I don't actually know."

The answer to Pink's question is: you don't. I'm joking! The real answer to her question is: you smoke crack instead. I'm full of jokes today! The real REAL answer to her question is: you let a stranger finger bang you.....with a condom on his finger of course!

Pink went on to say, "I checked into Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Arizona, in the summer and I went to see a therapist, telling him I was an alcoholic. He asked me when I'd had my last drink and I couldn't remember - it had been a few weeks previously. I then read the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) manual cover to cover and we talked. I realized I wasn't an alcoholic, just someone who likes to get drunk every now and again. I'm trying to work out if that's a bad thing."

Pink, the next time you think you have a problem with booze, drink more booze. After you wake up from blacking out, you would have forgotten all about this supposed "booze problem." See how that works?

Here's a few pictures of Pink looking like a dusty tampon at the ARIA Awards in Sydney yesterday.

Nikki McKibbin dragged herself out of the dumpster, slapped some Manic Panic on her head and somehow found herself competing in the first season of "American Idol." Nikki obviously didn't know she was getting into, because she tells UsWeekly that Simon Cowell's hot comments fucked with her head which caused her to fill her body with booze and drugs. And by "hot comments" I mean "really mean comments."

The former stripper said that growing up she never really experienced real criticism, so getting bashed by Simon really got to her. She said, "I had never been told I wasn't good enough. Having to hear it for so many weeks from Simon Cowell killed me inside. I couldn't get the shit he had said to me out of my head. It drove me deeper into my depression. I wouldn't say that this was Simon's fault. It just added to the addict that I already was."

While the show was going on, Nikki would find a way to buy vodka and she stored it in the house. She said, "If I wasn't too exhausted, I'd have one or two drinks." One or two drinks?! What the hell kind of GD alcoholic was she? I guess most of us need rehab them. I'm sure they'll teach us that Step 1 is to blame the reality show judge who was meanest to you.

In all seriousness, maybe Simon's bitchery is to blame for Nikki's addictions. I mean, it would explain why Paula Abdul is always fucked out of her mind.

30-year-old Nikki is currently sober thanks to Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab 2. She is now married to her 39-year-old childhood roller-skating coach. Childhood roller-skating coach?! Is she sure that wasn't the cause of her boozin'?

File this under: big beautiful ponies gone wild!

Meet 12-year-old Fat Boy from England. Early Tuesday morning, Fat Boy escaped from his stable and broke into a nearby garden where he partied like a Wino by feasting on fermented apples. The rotting apples had begun to ferment and produce alcohol. Can I get the recipe?

Fat Boy must have boozed way too much, because as he made his way across the garden, he accidentally stumbled into the pool. Okay, that's not really a pool. It's more like a swamp ditch.

He was discovered a while later by Sarah Penhaligon who heard his drunk splashes from her bedroom. Sarah went to the pool to see if she could help him. He was splashing around, trying to get out. Sarah tried to calm him by giving him more booze apples. Enabler!

Sarah then figured she should call the po po for help. Police officer and firefighters quickly showed up. After two hours of work, they were finally able to pull the party pony out of the cesspool. Fat Boy was returned to his owner. He's currently drying out at Promises rehab facility in Malibu, CA.

Once Fat Boy breaks out of rehab, I need to party with him. We'll get some booze apples, a couple of hookers, a few grams of sugar cubes and just go wild.

The big-tittied frog left dinner last night looking like someone went caca in her ice cream, but she probably just had too many Chery Bombs. Or maybe earlier in the night someone asked her what the answer to 2+2 is and she's still trying to figure it out.

Jessica Simpson may be more annoying than a horny chihuahua with an oversized lipstick, but Cacee Cobb is fucking worse. Look at her in the pictures below. She's trying soooo hard to look exactly like Jessica, but doing it on a Rite Aid budget. I can hear her shrill wail in all these pictures.

I take it back. Cacee is not more annoying than Jess. I'd rather hear Cacee's high-pitched whine all night than listen to Jessica's ear-killing croak one more time.

This is going to be your drunk ass this weekend. Hopefully, me too.

Kate Moss is totally trying to keep the vom from coming up. She's closing her eyes and concentrating, but something tells me Allegra Versace was covered in cokey barf by the end of that car ride. Kate needs to take lessons from this one chick I got drunk with once. This ho barfed into a Corona bottle perfectly. She didn't spill one drop. And then she just threw it into the trash can and said, "Let's do a shot!" That takes major skill. She should go on "America's Got Talent."

Here's Kate being a wasted mess while leaving her third party of the night in London. Why is Kate partying with Kimbo Stewart? Really, Kate? Does Kimbo have the good shit or something? Kate must have been torn up as fuck to be hanging out with Kimbo.

One of my life's goals is to get my picture taken by the police department. When my time finally comes, which it will, I want to know what to expect. Do you get more than one shot? Do they say "say cheese"? Is there a little birdie over the camera? Do they give you a proof sheet and allow you to choose your best shot? Do they have red eye remover? I always get red eye. Seriously, I have so many questions.

They must give you more than one shot, because how did Khloe Kardashian end up with a decent mug shot? She needed to "smile with eyes" more. Other than that, it's pretty good. TMZ also claims she's 5'10" and 145lbs. We'll let Khloe believe that. The scale really read, "Get off me, bitch!"

Below is Khloe partying with her sister Kim last night. They threw her a "Girl, You're Going to Jail!" party. You know how Kardashian trash does it.