Drunks

Chyna's long-lost daughter, Khloe Kardashian, turned herself into police this morning to begin serving her 30 day sentence for violating her probation. 24-year-old Khloe was arrested last March for DUI. She was given probation and was told to complete a booze education program and community service. She did none of that, so a judge ordered she-hulk to 30 days in the clink.

Khloe was surrounded by her skank family and cameras as she arrived at the Van Nuys court house this morning. TMZ reports that Kim and company dropped Khloe off and then went to eat. They know this shit is going to last a quick minute. Khloe is currently at Lynwood.

She will be out before I hit the publish button on this post.

Khloe is probably already the HBIC of Lynwood. The minute she stomped into the mess hall, the light fixtures started shaking, plaster started breaking off the walls and every bitch in there immediately bowed down to her. That giant bitch is scary!

61-year-old Ronnie Wood checked his old ass into the tank yesterday, weeks after he ran away with some 20-year-old slut!

Ronnie spokesbitch confirmed it, “Following Ronnie’s continued battle with alcohol he has entered a period of rehab.” Ronnie was reportedly drinking up to 2 bottles of vodka a day. Ronnie also wants to save his marriage of 23 years, but his wifey isn't having it. Jo Wood refuses to visit him and will only talk to his crater face once he sobers up. Jo has also left England to get her shit together in Barcelona.

Even though Ronnie wants his wife back, he's still talking to Ekaterina Ivanova. The Mirror claims he tried to smuggle in a cell phone just so he could text her. Please tell me he didn't hide the phone in his pepaw hole. Naw, that wouldn't work. It would just keep slipping out.

Why does he need to go to rehab? The Rolling Stones signed a deal with Lucifer. They are immortal. I mean, Keith Richards has been walking the earth for at least 300 years.

It took me a few minutes to realize that it wasn't crazy-eyed Tricia Walsh-Smith in that picture with Pat O'Brien. It's not Tricia, it's Betsy Stephens and she's Pat O'Brien's new fiancee. Betsy and Pat have been dating for five years. He told People that they are going to get married next Fall, "We're in love and in no big hurry. We don't know if it will take place – in Jamaica, New York, or Nantucket."

I can hear his wedding vows now, "Betsy, I wanna fucking go crazy with you. You are so fucking hot, and I wanna eat you, and I want you to suck my cock, and I want to fuck you. Let's do it, you are so fucking hot. Let's get crazy, get some coke." I know, totally romantic.

He also better remix the voicemails for their first dance. The NSFW voicemails are below. Yes, the Betsy he's talking about is the same Betsy he's going to marry. It's true love!

Thanks Kristina

Unfortunately, it's not that slut Kim Kardashian, it's her younger sister Khloe. Although, they really should do a DNA test on Khloe, because methinks she's Chyna's long-lost secret daughter. Look at that hunk! She could bench press a single family home.

TMZ reports that Khloe Kardashian will report to jail this Friday for violating her probation. Last March, Khloe got a DUI and was put on probation. She was also sentenced to community service and a booze education program. Khloe didn't complete either of those things, so the judge sentenced her to 30 days in the clink.

Kim Kardashian has already taken to her blog and wrote, "Khloe is ready and willing to serve out her sentence, no matter how long and where, and have this resolved. I urge people to learn from the mistakes of others. Please drink responsibly and it's never acceptable to drink and drive!"

First of all, Khloe will probably serve a quick minute. Second of all, if she has to serve more than a quick minute, she'll still do fine in jail. Bitch was built for prison! Some of us are too fragile, dainty and innocent for that shit, but Khloe looks like she could knock a bitch out with just a flick from one finger.

And if she really wanted to, she could probably bend the jail cell bars and walk the hell out of there!

Well, the dude who is playing Dubya in a movie got arrested.

Josh Brolin looks so calm and happy for a dude that was just busted in a drunken bar fight. Piece of trash! That bitch was arrested yesterday morning during a bar fight at the Stray Cat Bar in Shreveport, LA. Stray Cat Bar?! This shit is so cliche.

Jeffrey Wright was also busted along with 5 others. Josh, Jeffrey and the 5 crew members are in Shreveport filming "W" for Oliver Stone. Josh Brolin plays Dubya. You know he told the cops, "Bitches! I'm the President of the Motherfuckin' United States. Bow the fuck down!"

I'm sure Ellen Burstyn who plays Barbara Bush was also in the bar fight, but she did a lap dance for the cops and they let her go.

It all started when cops were called to the bar because one of the "W" crew members was causing a scene. They arrested him for public intoxiation and resisting arrest. Josh and Jeffrey stepped in and that's when things got a little wild. The cops had to call in for back up and they were arrested.

Josh and Jeffrey bailed out and are now back on the streets. Below are the mug shots of the others. Cherilyn Young's mug shot has made my morning. And Jeffrey Wright is totally thinking, "And what, motherfucker?!"

Girlfriend had too many Cosmos! Actually, Jake Poo probably drinks sour apple martinis. He likes how they make his manpussy pucker. Jakey strikes me as a total sloppy drunk. Like a sorority sister. He probably gets all handsy, dances on tables, lip-synchs to Cyndi Lauper and flashes his chichis at the frat boys. Reese just sits there rolling her eyes and sipping on her Shirley Temple. She puts the boo in booooring.

Here's Reese and Jakey Poo out to dinner in London last night. Jakey is currently shooting the title role in "The Prince of Persia" in the UK.

The picture above makes me sad for two reasons. First of all, my arch rival CHERYL BURKE is the focus of the picture. Second of all, that dude missed an opportunity to shove his Sharpie in CHERYL BURKE'S fat mouth and shut her up for once and for all!

Isn't it an unwritten rule that Mop Head is not allowed outside during "Dancing with the Has-Beens'" off season? And what the hell is she doing anyway? She looks like she's in pain and about to cough up a hairball. I swear, CHERYL BURKE is going to be the death of me! I'll get her soon!

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves "made a baby," but that isn't stopping his pothead ass from partying like a drunken fool. Star Magazine has pictures of Mattey in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua on June 6th at the Iguana Bar. A source said he was hitting on and touching several women.

The source said, "He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around." You know he was roofied him.

Later in the night, Matt was found inside of a sewer ditch looking for his lost flip-flop. Um....he wasn't looking for a flip-flop. He was going to bed. That sewer ditch was his hotel room for the night. That's how Matt does it.

Matt denies that he was hitting on a bunch of skanks, but admitted that he was drunk, he said, "Absolutely. Nicaragua is a beautiful place, epic waves, the best surfing I have ever been on. And yes, I'm STILL looking for my left flip-flop. So if anyone finds it floating around down there (it has 6:22 stitched into the side), please send it my way. There is a reward."

I think he's still drunk. Scratch that. He's always drunk. And what does 6:22 mean? Hmm...maybe it's the one day of the year he actually takes a shower?

Image: Splashnewsonline.com

Meth face alert! Did somebody order an extra sausage pizza? Snoop Dogg's wifey, Shante Broadus, needs to travel with her own personal airbrusher just in case situations like this one should come up. The drunk bitch was driving around Fullerton, CA a little after midnight on Saturday when she was pulled over by the cops.

She was arrested and later released with a citation. Bail is not needed in DUI arrests in Fullerton. DAMN! Fullerton is the place to party.

At least homegirl wasn't hot boxing. I mean, she is Snoop Dogg's wife.

Hopefully, something good can come out of all of this. Maybe Proactiv will fall in love with Shante's rock face and offer her a contract! "Hi! My name is Shante Broadus. If you're going to get arrested for DUI, at least do it with clear skin. That's why I use Proactiv!"

Source: TMZ

"Celebrity Rehab 2" started production yesterday at Dr. Drew's facility in Pasadena, CA and most of the cast members have been identified. Jeff Conaway who was in the first "Celebrity Rehab" is back! He should just move in there permanently. I'm just going to assume that Jeff will be in every season. He's a crowd pleaser. There's nothing like a good old-fashioned Conaway detox to kick off a show!

The rest of the cast includes Rodney King ("Can't we all just get along"), Nikki McKibbin (American Idol), Tawny Kitaen (original video ho), Amber Smith (model), Steven Adler (Guns N' Roses), Sean Stewart (son of Rod) and Gary Busey. Basically a bunch of "whos?" and THE FUCKING BUSEY!

Busey + Conaway + Detoxing = GOLD!

Heidi Fleiss, Aaron Carter and Sebastian Bach were all rumored to be part of the cast at one point. The NY Post reports Heidi dropped out at the last minute. She probably couldn't be without her 10 million parrots.

The new season premieres in October.