JLo

This is JLo's new single. And it's called "Louboutins" (pronounced "Looweebatons" in JLo-talk). I understand if the song title alone makes you want to shut down this browser window, open up your iTunes and punch it really really hard. I understand. Because once you realize this song is not a Digital Short from Saturday Night Live, you really won't be laughing.

This shit may be called "Looweebatons," but it sounds more like a shit-stained Payless pump lying in the gutter all alone after a homeless crackhead hooker lost it there while she was running from the police.

via ONTD

JLo has farted all over her first ex-husband's big dream of having a real life after her (his words). Ojani Noa was planning to turn an 11-hour honeymoon tape he made with JLo back in the day into a mockumentary, but a judge has put a stop sign in front of his plans.

JLo's team of attorneys and Ojani, who represented himself, faced off in court yesterday to battle over the tape which includes footage of JLo waltzing around in panties and getting spanked. The judge ruled in favor of JLo and granted her a temporary restraining order banning any parts of the tape from seeing anyone else's eyeballs.

Outside of the court, Ojani told the NYDN he was sad. Ojani blamed JLo for RUINING HIS LIFE and keeping him down. Ojani cried, "She is destroying my life. This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life. I'm not making any money from these videos. This is about having a closure. It's my story."

The movie was going to be about Ojani's life as a Cuban immigrant. Ojani and the producers were going to use the tape as inspiration and weren't planning to sell it.

This isn't Ojani's first time getting shut down by JLo. Two years ago, JLo stopped him from releasing a tell-all book.

Ojani also believes he got shafted in their divorce settlement since JLo hired a bunk ass attorney to represent him, "I don't really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn't a real lawyer, he went to jail."

It sounds to me like Ojani is angry and confused. You know what's the best medicine for that? Ojani needs to put on some early Alanis Morrissette, heat up the tip on a pair of tweezers on the stove top, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath and PLUCK AWAY ALL HIS FRUSTRATIONS! Ojani needs to pretend each one of those hairs is JLo and just pluck her out of his life! Maybe he will still feel like shit afterwards, but at least he won't have two furry landing strips over his eyes anymore.

Every hair on JLo's ass is standing straight up, because she is so filled with the rage that her ex-husband Ojani Noa is planning to release an 11-hour tape of some of her private moments. I think he's marketing it as a companion piece to Planet Earth.

The eyes at The National Enquirer have seen the tape and claim it includes footage of JLo staring at herself in the mirror (OF. COURSE.) while wearing nothing but bra and panties. In another scene, Ojani chases JLo around the bedroom and spanks one of her thunder dome ass cheeks causing a 4.5 earthquake.

Sources say that JLo is incredibly embarrassed and can't believe her ex would do that.

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that JLo wouldn't pull her eyeballs out of her own culo to see the Amazon jungle growing above her ex-husband's eyes. If JLo stepped out of her own world for one quick second, she would've seen that MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow situation. My teeth are chattering, because I just want to jump onto his face and gnaw off those Sasquatch brows.

And honestly, I don't think JLo is THAT upset about the release of the tape. Most bitches forgot about her ass after that shoot out with Diddy, so this will be a nice little item to get her back on Google Alerts.

Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.

JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)

Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.

JLo and Skeletor have proven us all wrong! They were supposed to announce their separation during some kind of weird musical duet at Skeletor's concert on Valentine's Day, but that never went down and they are STILL married. Some whores told Gatecrasher they are trying to make their tortured animal of a marriage work, but there's problems. Skeletor wants to fill the world more zombie babies and JLo wants a career. Don't choke on the "career" part. It's not polite.

One source said, "Jennifer feels like Marc is holding her career back, and she was sick of his social butterfly mentality while she stayed at home with the twins (MK Note: HA! Ask her where exactly the nursery is and you'll get a mean side-eye back). There are times when she’s had it, and close to ending it. She’ll throw down her ring and say, ‘That’s it.’ But when Marc realizes he’s about to lose her, he comes right back to Mommy. She enhances his life — she’s a huge star and good for him, and he does love her. And really, all their fighting makes for some fiery passion in the bedroom.”

The source went on to chirp, “She will never give up the red carpet, and certainly doesn’t want to be barefoot and pregnant, locked down or locked up. She wants to give [1-year-olds Max and Emme] siblings, but she loves the attention of the spotlight. She does not want to be a stay-at-home mom.”

Um, isn't that what nannies are for? You can have it all! When you pop them out, you take a pretty picture with them for People, collect your check, hand them to the nanny and then go back to being a huge star or whatever. JLo knows this!

And Skeletor isn't holding her career back! There's a little disease called Notalent-itis holding her back. Not to mention that other disease she also suffers from called Massiveego-tosis. The only cure is to sit down and stay there.

Here's JLo and the Zombie in Black leaving The Box in NYC last night.

Topshop and Topman opened in NYC last night and I have to start by telling the power bottoms out there who might not know about this shit that this is NOT a place where hundreds of tops are lined up for your pleasure. I made that mistake when I was in London. I was promptly escorted out by security when I asked where the dick was. It was all very embarrassing.

At last night's opening, Kate Moss and JLo came mouth to cheek. This gross moment is making my stomach crawl up to my throat, but I hope it was good for JLo. Like I hope she got high off of Kate's fumes, because bitch needs it! Maybe if JLo got a hit of the bad shit, she would stop making "I got a doody bubble and it won't come out" face. Actually, a taste of the bad shit might make it worse. I seriously will be willing to put on an entire box of Hazmat-approved rubber gloves so that I can pop JLo's doody bubble Bobby Brown-style. Maybe then will she stop making that annoying IHasFarts face.

And if Chuck Bass chased the dragon, caught it, stumbled into a fruit dehydrator and passed out in there for a few weeks, he'd come out looking like Skeletor. Methinks Skeletor thought plaid would make him look like he's a member of the living. He thought wrong.

To celebrate West Side Story's return to Broadway, Vanity Fair shot an homage to the musical starring Camilla Belle (as Maria), JLo (as Anita), Rodrigo Santoro (as Bernardo), Chris Evans (as Riff) and Ben Barnes (as Tony). Other whores including Brittany Snow, Jay Hernandez, Robert Pattinson, Ashley Jizzdale, Cam Gigandet and Drake Bell also make cameos throughout. If you're trying to spot the sparkly vampire, just follow the flying unicorns to the back of this picture where he's glittering it up with Brittany Snow.

The acting faces in these pictures are worthy of a million Razzies. While Camilla Belle is purdy, she looks like an unlit candle and has the emotional depth of one too. And JLo. JLO! JLo as fucking Anita. I think I'll go back to San Juan, because if I stay here I'll slap a baby newt over this fuckery. Was Rita Moreno previously booked? Or Chita Rivera? Or Iris Chacon? Or Salma Hayek? Or Charo? Or Skeletor? Or La Pequena? Or any bitch but JLo!

And where in Officer Krupke hell is Anybodys?! That boygirl was always my favorite. All Vanity Fair had to do was ring up Rojo Caliente. Rojo already has the looks and attitude to pull it off.

They tell me this is JLo in NYC last night, but I am not so sure. The face doesn't fit. JLo must have snuck into Mariska Hargitay's hospital room and stole something that belongs to her...like her fucking face! This is some Law & Order: SYF (Stole Yo Face) shit. Get Det. Stabler on the case!

A couple of months ago there was a rumor that gay ass JLo and the keeper to the underworld Skeletor would sing a farewell duet to their marriage on Valentine's Day at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Well, that shit never happened. Instead, JLo and Skeletor dragged the Dragon Twins on stage to show everyone what a big happy fucking family they are. I think the whole audience turned to stone when the BABIES!! came out. I mean, they pretty much look like Skeletor in baby form. Except they each weigh more than his ass. This is some SKELETOR ANTHONY'S shit. Yeah, that didn't work, but I to give a shot.

The Dragon Tales twins look confused, because they have no idea who those people are holding them.

After the concert, JLo and Skeletor went our to dinner. Well, she ate the menu and he snacked from a bag of children's nails he always keeps with him.

JLo's looking a little swollen in the baby housing area. It's probably nothing. Her ego has just settled in her belly. It's trying to escape through her poon. Even it doesn't want to be around her fake ass.

And let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence to honor the dead pigeons on JLo's nasty ass heels.

JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes on Sunday because it got stuck up her ass when she tried to get that stick out. No, the mega bitch says it just didn't go with her dress. She told InTouch (via NYDN), "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress."

Many things didn't go with that dress. Like a vagina for one, because that shit belonged on a drag queen. And Skeletor really didn't go with that dress, because the only thing he looks good with is a crypt.

JLo didn't wear that tacky piece of trash because she knew everyone would be talking about it and the ho needs to see herself on the cover of tabloids. It makes her feel relevant. And here I am doing exactly what she wants. That bitch!