If your eyeballs haven't turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker's crotch ("I haven't even stared at the Crotch of Sauron" - Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night's theme of "punk" and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse's idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they'll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.
And here's pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn't try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn't try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn't try), JLo (didn't try, should've been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters.
Skeletor could never move on from losing Castle Grayskull to He-Man time and time again, but when it comes to love dude moves a whole lot faster. Just one month after breaking up with Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, Marc Anthony has already moved on to a new piece, 21-year-old Topshop heiress and reality show trick Chloe Green. Chloe was friendly with 44-year-old Skeletor when he was still married to JLo and now their friendship has bloomed into some full-time humping.
Skeletor took the 5-year-old Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA on Tuesday and his new piece Chloe came along for the rides. Skeletor and Chloe held hands, canoodled out in the open and she carefully listened while holding Emme as he told her about his plans to conquer Cinderella's Castle since he could never fully conquer Castle Grayskull.
The Daily Mail points out that Chloe is 2 years younger than Skeletor's eldest kid Ariana and 4 years younger than JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece Casper Smart.
The good news for Casper is that since he's 4 years older than Chloe, he's still the captain of the children's table and so the last bit of sparkling apple cider STILL goes in his plastic sippy cup. The bad news is that since there's another thirsty mouth at the children's table, there won't be any leftover sparkling apple cider anymore. Damn you, Skeletor! You ruin everything.
Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were - perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That's it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.
So JLo and
her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can't help it.
The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can't believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he's a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave
your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.
But Where Oh Where Are The Pictures Of Prince Hot Ginge's Nipples? (UPDATE: Picture Proof That PHG Was There!)
Here's JLo giving Casper Smart the silent treatment just minutes after he got kicked out of the pool for making a poopy in the shallow end. How was Casper supposed to know that sometimes a fart brings a friend? They didn't teach him that in potty training class! JLo so should've left Casper in her hotel suite with her other kids, but she didn't want him crawling away to the nearest gay glory hole.
Never mind that JLo is at a pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and is wearing the most clothes I've ever seen her wear, the real story here is that apparently Prince Hot Ginge was at this party and I couldn't find one picture of his Red Hot nipples melting under the sun.
E! News says that the Bellagio fountain squirted higher than usual yesterday, because royal panty cream-inducer Prince Hot Ginge was in Las Vegas and partied at that pool party JLo hosted. Some source who was there had this to say:
"It was his first Vegas pool party. He was with a group of around six to seven friends and just wanted to have fun with the boys. He was in town to take a break and have fun. He was letting loose, and swimming and dancing to the music. It was great to see him acting like any normal guy. Harry and his friends even had a blow up whale in their area, they were just fooling around and joking and having some drinks and just enjoying themselves."
Okay, whores will whip out their phones to take multiple pictures of their stupid food and they'll post that shit to Twitter like people care, and yet I can't find one picture of PHG making the pool water boil by sticking his toes in there? What is wrong with people?! If a topless PHG is in front of you and you do not have a recording device to capture that important moment in history, you grab a napkin, prick your finger and draw that image in BLOOD! Or maybe PHG isn't in Las Vegas. Maybe it was really Carrot Top with his hair pulled back into a bun, because I confuse the two all the time.
The only way we'll know if PHG is really in Las Vegas is if all the lights dim tonight to honor the ultimate dome of luminous light on his head.
UPDATE: YAAAAASSSS! Thanks to KHx for dropping the tingles on me by sending in a picture of PHG partying in Vegas on Saturday. No, my eyes aren't burning from getting poked by his nipples, but he is showing his royal pits and doing the douche pose, so I'll take what I can get.
You know, I CAN'T with PHG's friend. If PHG is sitting on your shoulders, you pray to be possessed by a demon so that your head can do the Exorcist head twist right into his crotch. Or you pray to the gods above to give you a mouth on the back of your neck.
UPDATE #2: If you need me, I'll be sitting at The Sun all day, because they have PHG nipple pictures complete with his five-lane happy trail. Today is also the day that I'm actually jealous of a giant beach ball, a giant beach ball that is probably knocked up with little ginger ball babies now.
Yesterday, John Travolta's ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo's piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he's into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch's stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper's reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo's reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won't hurt.
But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn't getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn't tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a "skin fade" at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire's.
So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn't getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper's nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that's not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should've been? Bitch should've been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.
A little over a week ago, JLo's leased piece Casper the Friendly Gold Digger was caught by a pap's lens sashaying into a peep show on 8th Avenue in Manhattan. Many of us figured that either Casper was there to live out his dancer dreams of recreating Madonna's "Open Your Heart" video for strange men or it was just a staged STUNT QUEEN stunt to stroke away the gay rumors. But Star and InTouchWeekly say neither of those are the reason why Casper found a way to slip out of the toddler leash that his sugar master JLo is always holding on to. Star says Casper was just doing a little gay glory hole trolling and InTouch says he was just getting the John Travolta special from a WOMAN! That tingle you feel dancing around your ear holes is the glory hole gays cackling at that last part.
Let's get InTouch's story out of the way first. Bibi, a worker at an appointment-only exotic massage parlor in the building Casper went into that day, says that JLo's paid toy was there to get his body worked on and he was only there for around 10 minutes. Bibi didn't say if she's the one who put her fingers on JLo's ho, but she did say that he's "a nice man. He has strong muscles.” Don, who works below the parlor at the gay peen show (on purpose typo), co-signed Bibi's claim and says that he's seen Casper going in to get a massage at least twice this month. JLo's spokeswhore denies all of this and says that he was just there to get a tattoo on his finger. More like he was just there to get a finger in his toot, which leads me to Star's story...
One of the gay peep show regular's told Star that he has definitely seen Casper use his allowance money to get into the peep show and he was probably there for more than just a level 1 Fred Willard:
"Yeah, I've seen him. He was in here about three weeks ago. This is a gay cruising spot. You go into the booths, then you get all kind of tapping on the wall and propositions. It's like zombies."
JLo's spokeswhore jumped in and said Casper does not make out with peens and the hos spreading the gay rumors are just jealous.
First of all, will somebody please print out the exact location of that peep show and give it to Fred Willard, so he has a quiet place in NYC to furiously hand hug his pepaw chorizo without worrying about the damn police screwing with his fap time. Second of all, whatever the truth may be, John Travolta is still going to slip a note in Casper's mailbox at the Scientology Center inviting him to the men's sauna meet (John's Scientolohole) and greet (it with his peen).
Here's a few pictures of JLo and her piece on her birthday. It was nice of that selfish heffa to give Casper a quick massage right there in front of the paps, but I'm sure he's thinking to himself, "Um...can you go a little lower and also, somewhere between my shoulders and b-hole, can you magically transform your lady hands into man hands?"
Somebody hand me a lamb so I can ask it to double slap me in the face for having the audacity to write yesterday that Mimi accepted a paltry, poor person's wage of $12 million to be a judge on American Idol for one season. JLo made only $12 million for her first season of Idol, Brit Brit is making around $16 million for her first season of X-Factor and Xtina is making $10 million for her third season of The Voice, so how dare I even think that the Rainbow Unicornie Princess of Pink Diamond Luxury would ever agree to make the same or less than those cheap Dollar General whores.
People says that Mimi's deal is worth $18 million for her first season and she has the option to renew if she wants to. This deal makes her the most overpaid judge on a reality show ahead of Brit Brit and Howard Stern (who gets $15 million for America's Got Talent). Simon Cowell doesn't count since he also gets paid for being an executive producer and each one of his furry tit pies gets 7 figures each for just being.
Thank the Sanrio gods for this news. All is well again. Mimi's FOX check is bigger than JLo's FOX check. And now I know that if you put $12 million in front of Mimi, she wouldn't even let her Hello Kitty sneeze on one of those bills. I'll never make that mistake again!
Here's the discount trick Mimi replaced having a pre-birthday dinner last night at Cipriani in NYC with some people and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger. I'm assuming Mimi was kind of enough to tell the restaurant to charge JLo's meal to her account since JLo ONLY made $12 million for her first season of Idol. I mean, JLo can barely afford a sheet cake from Costco and a 1/2 chicken dinner special from Juan Pollo.
I'll wait here as you wipe away the glittery hummingbird juice that secreted out of your nipple slits after you laid eyes on that picture on the left. All wiped up? Okay, so I've never gotten a vibe from Casper Smart that he loves to gargle on peen morning, noon and night. Never. But now everything has changed thanks to this picture which is as gay as a unicorn getting DPed by a rainbow and a pink toy poodle named Mon Cherie. Radar points us to the Twitter page of Joshua Lee Ayers, a dancer who has worked with Casper in the past and claims that JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece sucks L.A. dick on the down low. To back up his claim, Joshua tweeted this picture of Casper making a "your peen goes here" pose while working a kaleidoscope in his shorts. That's the only receipt I need! via Radar:
"Check out Ur boy… And his low key homo ways," Joshua wrote on a photo of Casper that he posted on his Twitter account in March.
In the photo, Casper is shirtless, wearing shiny gold short shorts obviously stuffed with something, a sparkly bejeweled belt, a scarf and a deer hunter hat while surrounded by other shirtless men in their underwear.
On May 24, Joshua posted another photo of Casper showing off his cheekbones with the caption: "I know what I know, Not love, a lot of business and public relations."
JLo's rep denies that Casper is gay and says that it must be a slow news week. I resemble that comment!
But seriously, that pic doesn't prove anything. How many straight dudes have gotten drunk on malt liquor and ended up giving sugar to the camera while wearing a rhinestone belt? Entire frats wouldn't exist if shit like that didn't go down on the regular. Casper could scream for peen, poon or both. It doesn't matter. There's only two things that matter: 1) Casper is representing hard for the gold digger community and; 2) That duck-faced bitch looks hotter in a pair of gold shorty shorts than JLo does. Werk it, guurrrrrl.
Before JLo got the American Idol job, she was headed straight for Dancing with the Has-Beens, a county fair tour with Martika (JLo wishes!) and she'd eventually end up performing as a Selena impersonator at office holiday parties. American Idol put that bitch and her heffalump ass back on top and now that she's there she doesn't have to pretend to care about a bunch of brats whose farts sound better than her natural singing voice.
A source tells UsWeekly that JLo doesn't even have time in her busy schedule for American Idol anymore. JLo is going to tour the country with Enrique Iglesias, is working on a new album, has a couple of movies in the works and has to train Casper Smart to not shit in the tub while they're having romantic bubble bath times. The source explained, "There is too much going on for her right now. She regrets she can't stay on the show. It's been an incredible experience and she is forever grateful that she did it."
Can I get a "bitch, please" because it's so obvious what JLo is trying to pull here. If there's one thing JLo loves more than Casper Smart slathering her ass with Baby Oil while telling her that she's got the most magnificent ass in the game, it's money, bitch. American Idol paid JLo $20 million last season to be completely useless and she's obviously trying to get a raise. I can't fault JLo for being a greedy, money-eating whore who puts diamond water in her enema tube. I'd do the same thing. But don't try JLo's move with your boss. If you tried to get a raise by telling your boss that you just don't have time for your job anymore, the only thing you'd get is an empty cardboard box to put all your cubicle decorations in.
On last night's American Idol, JLo moved the hell out of her lips while twerking her shit with a chorus of John Travolta's wet dreams. JLo wouldn't be JLo if she didn't shove her piece into our eyes, and so Casper Smart got a starring spot. Casper twirled out, grabbed on JLo's ottoman pouf ass and the two practically swallowed each other's breaths. It looked like an interpretive dance of a seal eating a duck (you decide which is which). I think I speak for the Dragon Tales Twins when I say: "GROSS, MOM! STOP!"
I sort of like that JLo is humping on one of her dancers, because it probably creates serious backstage drama. Showgirls isn't just a movie. It's LIFE! I bet Casper gets his own dressing room, a later call time and doesn't have to eat brown rice and vegetables with the other dancers. Bitch gets it special. I wonder which one of the dancers grabbed Casper backstage and shouted at his ass, "You fuck her for the spot? Or you fuck her cause you wanted to?"
via The Daily Mail