JLo

It's nice to see that motherhood hasn't completely taken the cunt bitch out of JLo. That would be a pity. JLo was shopping at the Catherine Malandrino store on Manhasset's Miracle Mile when she demanded that they shut down the entire store for her. The store denied her chunky chunk ass, but that didn't stop JLo from making more demands.

A source told Page Six, "Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing."

JLo needs one armed guard to protect each ass cheek. You know, if I was a salesgirl and JLo's cloud of make-up and mink lashes waltzed in, I would expect her to give me the bitch treatment. I would be disappointed if she didn't give me at least three evil side-eyes and call me a "pinche pendejo" at least once.

Oh and you know the Dragon Tales twins are going to run away once they figure out how to make an escape ladder out of their rabbit fur baby blankets.

Woe is JLo. All she wants in the world is to be a good mother to her Dragon Tales Twins. Well, that and she really wants a castle made out of diamonds, bronzer and animal fur. Anyway, a source told Closer Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that JLo thinks nothing she does is good enough for her twinsies.

The source said, "Jennifer wants to be the perfect mother, but she crumbles if any normal little thing goes wrong. If the twins cry, she thinks it's because she's a bad mom, and bursts into tears herself. Marc had to sit her down and make her understand that she's a good mom and it's normal for babies to cry."

In JLo's defense, the DT Twins are probably only bursting into tears when Skeletor is around because they think he's going to devour their souls.

And PLEASE! Who the hell is this source?! They really want us to believe that JLo cries and also that she spends time with the DT Twins? The pr bitch she hired to make her look like mother of the year (No offense, White Oprah) is working overtime. From the picture above to the story about how she fired her nannies to this story! That pr bitch deserves a gold star.

The "source" goes on to say, "Marc is concerned that she's not eating properly or sleeping because she's obsessed with looking after the twins. If she leaves them with her own mother for a couple of hours to have some time off, she beats herself up about it and feels guilty. Marc has forced Jen to take some time off and have a massage to unwind, but she even struggled to relax during that. He wants her to stop worrying abut the kind of mother she's being and just enjoy it."

The laughs never end! I can't wait to hear the story about how JLo changes diapers. I mean, she doesn't even change Skeletor's diaper! Why would she change the diapers of her own baby?!

Call Supernanny! It's an emergency. JLo and Skeletor's nanny reportedly "abruptly left" in mid-April. I really hope nanny looked JLo square in the mink eyelashes and said, "I quit this bitch!" That's really the only way to leave a job.

Usweekly (via The Scoop) reports that JLo has not hired another nanny, because she plans to raise the twins herself. Cut to a scene of the DT twins hanging from the chandeliers while JLo gets her 10th ass massage of the day.

A source told the mag, "They both told their managers that the next year would be all about family.”

JLo taking a year off?! Did Pop Fiction get renewed, because this shit is obviously a joke.

JLo always has to look like she's going to deep throat the damn camera when we know very well the bitch doesn't do that sort of thing! Skeletor and JLo don't fuck. She got pregnant with the help of a diamond encrusted turkey baster. Only the best for her vag. JLo and Skeletor left the Dragon Tales twins at home last night to attend Christian Dior Cruise collection in NYC.

Don't get on JLo for wearing fur! That was a gift from Skeletor. He brought it back after a night of virgin blood hunting. Since she never wears anything twice, she's going to have the fur turned into a pair of onesies for her twins. That's if the poor fur didn't get covered in her 80lbs of pancake make-up before the night was over. Does the woman apply her make-up with a slingshot? That shit is thick.

Skeletor looks like death! Well, more than usual. He looks like he could use an order of hamburger fries and a blood transfusion. He should bite on JLo's ass. I'm sure there's plenty of protein in there.

JLo told UsWeekly at that Costume thingey last night that her twins are "fantastic!" Hobag please. You know that bitch hasn't seen them since their $6 million photo shoot. The reporter should have asked her what their names are. She totally would have said, "Uh...uh...Dragon Tales twins?" Bingo!

Here's more of these skanks last night. I also threw in some Beyonce who looks like she's sucking in a baby bump. Spanx should really come out with a line of "baby bump concealers" for celebrities.

File this under: One step closer to being a has-been! JLo will star, co-create and co-executive produce a reality show for TLC. The show will follow JLo as she juggles her career and motherhood. The show is currently in production and no air-date has been announced. TLC is calling it a “docu-series," but that's just fancy talk for "bitch is no better than any other reality show trick." This means Hottie from Flavor of Love and JLo are on the same level now.

JLo said, “I am excited to be part of the TLC family. I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." She forgot to mention, "Hahaha! I'm getting paid a shit load too. I'm rich and you're not! EAT THAT!"

I was excited about this for a quick minute, but then I realized that there's no way JLo is going to let the truth be revealed. This shit is going to be scripted, majorly edited, de-bitched and she's probably bringing in actors too. Antonio Sabata Jr. is going to play Skeletor and the cartoon Dragon Tales kids will play her twins.

This mess will make "The Hills" look like an episode of "Cops." Seriously, you can't get more real than Cops and don't tell me that shit is fake. I couldn't take it.

With all that being said, I will be watching this.

Source

You would probably have to do a lot more than smoke cigarettes if you were married to JLo. Skeletor isnt looking that bad. He must have just had fed on the blood of a virgin. I'm sure that's on the menu at Waverly Inn.

People seem to think that JLo looks so skinny after just having her Dragon Tales twins. JLo just knows how to cover that shit up. If you lift up her dress, there's probably 10 layers of Spanx, twine, barbed wire, a wet girdle and a couple of Fly Girls holding her shit down.

JLo is wearing so much fucking make-up that her face has become one huge mirror. Hopefully, Skeletor can see his reflection in her mug and realize that he needs to eat more greens and stop feasting on the flesh of virgins. Actually, he should eat some of that make-up off her face. I'm sure there's a little protein in there.

Here's JLo and Skeletor at the premiere of "Shine A Light" in NYC last night. JLo took the invitation literally and turned her face into a giant spotlight. You can probably see her face from space.

JLo emerged from her crystal cocoon yesterday in NYC looking not like she just had a baby. Can you say lipo overload? She probably broke the damn lipo machine. There was an overflow of JLo's fat and people almost lost their lives, but she's looking hot.

I don't think she got the memo about those sunglasses though. It must have gotten lost in the piles of money strewn about her home. Only Trollsens and Arthur the Aardvark can wear glasses like that!

The Dragon Tales Twins will not be seen for a while. You can believe in that. They only do paid appearances from now on. Basically, only Russian billionaires can afford a meeting with them. Besides, their daily schedule is already filled with manis, pedis, yoga, French lessons, bikini waxes, tanning, daily colonics and botox injections. They are busy babies!

Skeletor recently attended a NYPD Fundraiser where he said that he's become skilled at putting his Dragon Tales twins to sleep. He said JLo even gave him a nickname, “I’m so hands-on with them that the household developed a nickname for me. They call me the Burp Whisperer.” That doesn't even make sense! Shouldn't it be the Dragon Tales Twins Whisperer? JLo needs to hire writers to come up with material for her daily conversations, because she sucks at nicknames.

I know how Skeletor is putting them to sleep. He's whispering in their little ears, "You better can it or I'll suck the soul out of you! You'll be as soulless as your mother!" Babies know zombie talk.

At least somebody around that house is taking care of the babies. I'm sure JLo has seen them twice in their whole lives. She probably saw them once when they were born and once during their $6 million photoshoot. She will see them a third time when decides to show them off to the paparazzi. This of course will be after she's had her face, ass, stomach and thighs wet-vacced.