JLo

JLo's career has pretty much fallen overboard, and now she's taking a gem from the 80s with it! The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) is saying that JLo will star in a remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell movie Overboard.

JLo will play the role of a stuck-up, "short fat slut" socialite who falls off her yacht, gets a case of amnesia and is taken in by a hillbilly carpenter with ulterior motives. JLo's ass and ego will share the role of the yacht.

You know, I'd be okay with this if it was a reality show based on Overboard and we got to watch as someone pushed JLo off a boat. Like for real. But sadly, it isn't so let's all scream "NOOOOO!!" as we throw ourselves off the side.

You know how sometimes the skinny bitch friend turns to the fat bitch friend and says something like, "Oh look! We wear the same size in earrings!" Well, Posh sort of pulled that shit on JLo when talking to 10 Magazine (via Showbiz Spy).

Posh queefed to the magazine, “My dresses are for women of all different shapes and sizes. Actually, the one I tried on yesterday was the one Jennifer wore. Who’d have thought I’d be the same size as Jennifer Lopez!”

Posh is just having a laugh. The only way she could fit into JLo's dress perfectly is if it successfully completed an entire season of The Biggest Loser. JLo is by no means fat (except for her ass), but she doesn't wear SIZE: ANT LEG like Posh. However, I bet Posh does share clothes with Skeletor. Now that would make sense.

The two of you out there who gave yourself a meth enema to stay awake while watching El Cantante in its entirety (I'm raising my guilty hand with you, Skeletor), know that a frozen burrito would've done a better job playing JLo's role of Puchi. Hell, Poochie the dog would've done a better job. But according to the master thespian herself, she thinks she should have an Oscar sitting right next to her Razzie Award on the shelf above her toilet.

JLo, who had to speak through her vagina because her head was so far up her ass, told Latina Magazine, "I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role] in El Cantante, but I don’t even think the academy members saw it. I feel like it’s their responsibility to do that, to see everything that’s out there, everything that could be great. Well, it is a little bit frustrating. It was funny; when the Oscars were on, I had just given birth on the 22nd, and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later. I was sitting there with my twins—I couldn’t have been happier—but I was like, ‘How dope would it have been if I would’ve won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?’ ‘Thank you so much! I just want to thank the academy!’ But we joked about it. It’s all good. Things will happen when they’re supposed to happen. I have the utmost faith and no doubt that it will one day, when and if it’s supposed to. You can’t get all crazy twisted over it.”

It would've been dope alright. Every academy member would have had to be higher than Spaghetti Cat in a Barilla factory to even consider nominating JLo for that mess. You can't even watch ten seconds of that shit without swallowing a dope lab.

Oh, JLo, I hope you never ever peek out of your bubble of delusion to take a good whiff of reality. It's more entertaining this way.

JLo wanted to be extra sparkly for her New Year's Eve performance in NYC last night, so she slipped on an Edward Cullen sparklesuit. Unfortunately, this display of sadness was anything but sparkly. That shit made her nalgas look like two partially deflated whoopee cushions, and her crotch was so depressed that it couldn't even muster up an appetite. If you're going to wear a catsuit at least make sure your camel toe is at the top of its game. Tis a fucking pity.

And when it comes to the "Jesus on a cross" pose, Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs wins every single time. JLo tried to out-pose him, but lost miserably. Thanks for playing.

Click here for the NSFWish version of the Buffalo Bill portrait. Warning: It will give you a fever.

JLo did not spend her Christmas eve sipping on Cristal from a solid gold flute while opening up all the boxes of diamonds, furs and Loowebatons she bought for herself. No, JLo dressed down to take the entire family to Disneyland's California Adventure. And JLo even showed that she truly is in the spirit of giving by bringing along a sickly urchin boy. Oh, wait. That's just Skeletor.

Skeletor should've put some rouge on his cheeks, because it was probably really annoying when all the kids at Disneyland ran from his ass in terror thinking he was one of Ursula's polyps from The Little Mermaid.

JLo's first husband Ojani Noa is planning to bust a $100 million lawsuit in her face, because he says she's trying to ruin him. I hate to break it down for Ojani, but JLo is trying to destroy all of us by putting out another album. Ojani needs to add our names to that lawsuit right next to his.

Ojani was trying to produce a mockumentary using an 11-hour-long "sexy tape" he made with JLo on their honeymoon, but her lawyers sat on his plans and got a judge to issue a temporary restraining order. This blocked Ojani from showing any parts of the tape to the public.

Radar reports that Ojani is also suing JLo's father and lawyer for interfering with his project and for partaking in fraudulent activity. Ojani's lawyer claims that JLo's mother sold a part of the tape to Univision without his permission.

Ojani's lawyer said, "I believe that I have an unalienable First Amendment right to enter the JLo home videos into the public court record, so as to defend myself. If Judge Chalfant has a problem with this, he can have me hauled out of the courtroom in handcuffs in front of the world media."

They are all due back in court on December 1st.

I know I keep bringing up Ojani's hairy brows, but it pains me to see him wasting his time on lawsuits like this when he should be tending to those creatures over his eyes instead! If Ojani doesn't want to bother with plucking, he just needs to smear a little cheese on his brows and let a hongray rat handle that. How is a judge going to take him seriously when he can't even tame his eyebrow situation. Paging Baby Smiley!

If you are in CA, you might have been wondering why that glass of straight-up vodka (I know how you do it) on your table vibrated Jurassic Park-style for a few seconds. Well, it wasn't from a gigantic T-Rex running through your front yard. It was JLo's big ass hitting the stage at the American Music Awards tonight. Yes, bitch went BOOM! JLo's Louboutins threw her off!

During her performance of that "Looweebatons" song, Skeletor's bone polisher busted her ass when she jumped off one of her dancer's back. JLo managed to pick her ass back up, but you know bitches will lose their jobs, health insurance, 401ks, loved ones and worldly possessions over this shit! That stage will be removed from the theater by tomorrow, those sneakers are already a pile of ashes and her dancer will only be able to get a job as a bus boy at Chili's. Everyone will pay for this!

And thanks to the boxing theme, the chorus of shirtless dudes and the massive amounts of sparkle, JLo's performance is the gayest of the night....so far (Glamberace is waiting in the wings). My no-no thanks her.

P.S. - For those of you who don't want to torture yourself by watching the whole thing, JLo's ass hitting the stage is at the 2:40 mark.

While watching JLola's "Fresh Out of the Oven" video, you may be waiting for a 1-900 number to pop up, but unfortunately it never comes. Instead you gets a zillion shots of her "Looweebatons," her scarecrow wig, her red lips and her shadow dancing moves (Paula Abdul just filed a copyright infringement lawsuit for that one).

If the song alone made your ears close for business, then brace yourself for the video, because it taints all your senses. You know, for a song that talks about cookies and ovens, you'd think JLola could throw in a shot of a delicious pie. Even a close-up of a half-eaten Donette would be better than seeing her damn ass shoes over and over.

If you'll excuse me, I must go watch Rocky Horror Picture Show to cleanse myself of this mess.

via Just Jared

This is JLo's new single. And it's called "Louboutins" (pronounced "Looweebatons" in JLo-talk). I understand if the song title alone makes you want to shut down this browser window, open up your iTunes and punch it really really hard. I understand. Because once you realize this song is not a Digital Short from Saturday Night Live, you really won't be laughing.

This shit may be called "Looweebatons," but it sounds more like a shit-stained Payless pump lying in the gutter all alone after a homeless crackhead hooker lost it there while she was running from the police.

via ONTD

JLo has farted all over her first ex-husband's big dream of having a real life after her (his words). Ojani Noa was planning to turn an 11-hour honeymoon tape he made with JLo back in the day into a mockumentary, but a judge has put a stop sign in front of his plans.

JLo's team of attorneys and Ojani, who represented himself, faced off in court yesterday to battle over the tape which includes footage of JLo waltzing around in panties and getting spanked. The judge ruled in favor of JLo and granted her a temporary restraining order banning any parts of the tape from seeing anyone else's eyeballs.

Outside of the court, Ojani told the NYDN he was sad. Ojani blamed JLo for RUINING HIS LIFE and keeping him down. Ojani cried, "She is destroying my life. This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life. I'm not making any money from these videos. This is about having a closure. It's my story."

The movie was going to be about Ojani's life as a Cuban immigrant. Ojani and the producers were going to use the tape as inspiration and weren't planning to sell it.

This isn't Ojani's first time getting shut down by JLo. Two years ago, JLo stopped him from releasing a tell-all book.

Ojani also believes he got shafted in their divorce settlement since JLo hired a bunk ass attorney to represent him, "I don't really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn't a real lawyer, he went to jail."

It sounds to me like Ojani is angry and confused. You know what's the best medicine for that? Ojani needs to put on some early Alanis Morrissette, heat up the tip on a pair of tweezers on the stove top, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath and PLUCK AWAY ALL HIS FRUSTRATIONS! Ojani needs to pretend each one of those hairs is JLo and just pluck her out of his life! Maybe he will still feel like shit afterwards, but at least he won't have two furry landing strips over his eyes anymore.