JLo

What you're witnessing is the very special moment when a leased piece asks his sugar mamita for a raise in his weekly allowance so that he can finally pay off the CZ studs he bought with his Zales charge card. Or maybe Casper Smart is telling JLo that he made a doo doo mound in his diaper. JLo's eyes do look like they're being touched by a stank cloud of baby diarrhea. I really hope my first guess about what's going on here is right, because obviously his $10,000 a week allowance is not cutting it. Dude needs to hire a stylist so he can stop looking like Howard the Duck going to a costume party as a low-budget Bruno Mars.

Here's more of JLo and her paid bitch at some photo shoot with Mario Testino in Miami yesterday. As my new favorite poetweeter Casper Smart says: to be continued.....

Casper Smart must be doing all of his chores on time, because his azuquita mami JLo has moved him up from full-time rebound piece to being on her payroll. Casper makes a back-up dancer's salary and JLo won't even fart into the doorway of the places he can afford to take her, so she's allegedly giving him a $10,000 a week salary to keep everybody happy. Well, I've always said that good dick will make you sign a blank check and hand over your ATM code. But who knew that a humanized Howard the Duck could leave a ho dickmatized. Give it, get it, spend it, Casper.

Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) heard from some source that JLo is an old-fashioned kind of bitch who thinks that the man should pay and it embarrasses her on the inside every time she has to bring her credit card out during dates with Casper. JLo is now putting a little money in his piggy bank, so everyone around them will think that he's paying even though everyone knows that she's really paying. The source says, “She hated having to whip out her credit card every time they go to dinner. Jen figured it’s easier to give Casper a weekly stipend, and she thought $10K was a nice round number. Jen doesn’t want to go over the top, showering Casper with too much, but she also wants him to up his game. Jen is hoping Casper won’t think twice about buying presents for her kids or whisking her off for a surprise weekend getaway.”

Is Star sure the source didn't leave a zero out in that $10,000 number? Because JLo's idea of a quick weekend getaway is getting her asshole platinum-leafed in an exclusive spa housed in an old diamond mine off the coast of Africa. And $10,000 won't even platinum leaf one of her ass lips. But honestly, I bet JLo's not even the one signing Casper's check. JLo is ridiculous, but she's not going to open up her checkbook when her main pimp Fiat will do it for her. Fiat's only requirement is that whenever Casper and JLo are getting down in a hotel room, he's contractually obligated to scream out "I'm going to ride you like a 1.4 liter Fiat 500, available at your local Fiat dealer!" loud enough for at least 4 people to hear.

In related news, The National Enquirer says that JLo's kids, the Dragon Tales Twins, are calling her kept piece "Daddy Casper." You know, there's no point in freaking about this, because I don't think it's a nickname. I'm pretty sure Daddy Casper is his actual government name.

JLo's toy of the moment/back-up dancer, Casper Smart, is currently with her in Morocco at the opening of some mall and before he strapped himself into his booster seat on his sugar madre's private jet, he had a mini Tweetrum about the "haters" talking shit about his relationship. Casper puffed up his chest, pulled up his Pull-Ups, stood on his tippy toes and huffed out this:

Runnin around city getting all my stuff ready and packed for Casablanca tonight.. #stayingbusy
29 Nov

I don't understand how people can speak on other people or things they know nothing of??!!! #CRAZY Off to Morocco!!!!
29 Nov

Casper then re-Tweeted a bunch of pats on the head from his followers.

@Caspersmart dont listen to the haters i think ur awesome :) And a good dancer :-)

I think @Caspersmart an @JLo make a really good couple but you know everyones gonna hate cuz when your happy or successful ppl have to hate

@Caspersmart Well Mr.Sexy guy say BLURRPP to the haters :) probably i will support you and @JLo until the end my dear :) ♥

Why are ppl judging @Caspersmart no 1 knows how long @JLo was separated be4 she announced the divorce ppl need 2 stop being so quick 2 judge

Can't JLo turn on the parental controls on the BlackBerry Casper uses to Tweet? Isn't there some kind of pacifier add-on for Twitter that will stop his whining, because damn. JLo adopted Casper from The KFed Boy Toy Agency like 15 seconds ago and he's already pissed about all the shit people are saying? It's going to be a long (insert the number of weeks you bet in the office pool on how long this "relationship" will last) if Casper can't take a little shade.

Casper, who sort of looks like a humanized Dewey Duck on growth hormones to me, needs to spend less time getting his Underoos twisted and more time practicing hitting JLo from the back. Can you imagine watching Casper trying to mount JLo's big ass? It probably looks like a toddler trying to crawl up a slide. Just slipping all over the place and shit. Casper, here's a tip: get a running start.

via Page Six

Because JLo no longer has to face the controlling Puerto Rican wrath Skeletor vomits out at her every time she flop fucks the stage like a Real Housewife mermaid in heat, she went pussy-out wild at last night's AMAs. I thoroughly believe that there is no retirement age for doing ho shit, so I have no words of hate for 42-year-old JLo shoving her Thanksgiving dinner for 12 all over Pitbull's bulge. (Side note: Even though Pitbull's peen probably tastes like Drakkar Noir and he uses his own spit as lube, I'd still let him bite, lockjaw or whatever me. I so would. Judge me or report me to the ASPCA all you want.)

JLo started her performance by earning another Razzie for her staged breakdown and then she continued to strip like a lunch shift stripper until all she had on was Brit Brit's streched-out bodysuit. For real, though, JLo's performance was really nothing more than a joint commercial for Fiat and her liberated vagina. I kept waiting for this bitch to run over a Skeletor cardboard cutout with her Fiat to really drive the point into our brains.

We get it. JLo wants all of us to buy a car that costs less than her annual labia bleaching bill and she's HORNY! Keep fucking that Fiat, JLo, but nobody's ever going to believe that you actually drive one of those things when a camera isn't around.

The Insider is saying that JLo has permanently pried herself off of Bradley Cooper's chin and is now bumping assholes with one of her back-up dancers named Casper Smart. That is baby beards-in-training Ashley Greene and Taylor Swift's cue to stroll up to B. Coop's publicist now that there's a position available.

JLo has been dragging Casper Smart all over the place from Buenos Aires to San Francisco ever since they started boning on each other a couple of weeks ago. A source says that the relationship is labeled as "very casual" and JLo is trying to keep it that way. At 5'8" and 160 pounds, Casper is a pocket hottie and moved his tiny little legs while dancing in an episode of Glee and in the direct-to-the-discount-bin masterpiece Honey 2. Casper joined JLo's harem of dancers earlier this year.

There's probably a thick layer of dried zombie dust stuck to the roof of JLo's mouth from sucking on Skeletor's zombie pichula for all those years, so I totally understand that she's trying to cleanse it with some young dick. But nothing good can come from this. First of all, we all know what happened the last time JLo fucked around with one of her dancers. The bitch married him and I'm sure she's still cutting him an alimony check.

Second of all, Casper is just a tiny thing. Dude looks like if Duckie from Pretty in Pink stunted his growth by drinking roid milk as a child. How is Casper going to conquer JLo's double down ass of doom? That's like watching an apple head chihuahua puppy trying to ass fuck a full grown mastiff. And once Casper does mount JLo's ass with the help of a climbing harness, some rope and a crampon, he's only going to get a few humps in before her asshole inhales and he's never heard from again! Nobody will ever know what happened to Casper until one day JLo farts and out will come one of his CZ studs. End well: this won't!

The noun "glamour" and the name "JLo" go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she's a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so "made from the earth" next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.

JLo's days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper's chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she's adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood's stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).

Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would've been a special kind of awful too. But now it's in JLo's shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn't signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she's going to produce it. Here's hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.

Here's the details on that mess from Deadline:

The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

The only good thing that will come out of a Carmen Sandiego movie is the resurrection of Rockapella:

And here's JLo playing What In The World Am I Wearing? while walking around Argentina today.

Lock your windows, bring in your trash cans, turn the porch light off and tell the children not to open their eyes until morning, because now that JLo has been released from the cage in Skeletor's dungeon she's going wild, yowling at the moon, spraying her scent at the walls (smells like Glow) and sticking her culito hole in the faces of strangers hoping that someone takes pity upon her and gives her a scratch!

At the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas on Saturday night, JLo strangled a Muppet with her ass cheeks and then wore it as a trophy before she went full horny in front of the audience and humped on anything that didn't run from her. An official from the zoo arrived on the scene and tried to catch her with a net, but JLo can not and will not be tamed! JLo ran like a banshee with a hot asshole into Pure nightclub and continued to try so hard to be sexy that she pushed out a kidney stone with the word "STOP" etched into it. Don't listen to that kidney stone, JHo! You keep working it like only an old whore can!

And here's some EXCLUSIVO backstage and frontstage footage of JLo going wild on Saturday night:

The day that we hear that JLo is a pleasure to work with and makes all of her co-workers bust out a smile as they nominate her for EMPLOYEE OF THE CENTURY is a day that will never ever come. The chance of that happening is right up there with the world's fattest fatty fat fat bitch NOT accidentally suffocating her dog with her double down fupa cleavage of death.

Everyone knows that all spell checks should be updated to automatically correct the word "BITCH" to "JLO." We all know this. JLo can't sing and can't act, but one thing she can do is bring the bitchery in heavy doses. The cast and crew of her new shit show What To Expect When You're Expecting (aka Valentine's Day meets a pile of labor poop) are witnessing this for themselves every day says Gatecrasher:

Jennifer Lopez is keeping to herself these days - at least on movie sets. A source on the location yesterday of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," which stars the recently separated Lopez along with a slew of other A-listers, tells us the 42-year-old "wouldn't talk to anyone directly" on the Piedmont Park set in Atlanta, and would converse with people only "through her handler."

JLo knows that she has a reputation as a diva-plated asshole to uphold, so of course she's going to pull out some ridiculous shit like this. But what JLo doesn't know is that she's actually bestowing an act of kindness upon the damn crew. I mean, would you rather talk to JLo's handlers or would you rather pop an eye vein by trying to not roll your sight balls while talking to JLo herself? Exactly. Joke's on that bitch. Fishsticks Paltrow better almost run over more jaywalkers, because JLo is trying to snatch away GOOP's sainthood without even trying.

Seen here Photoshopped into another dimension where the Jennifer Lopez we know looks more like a praying mantis alien vacuum sealed into a Kim Kardashian skin bag, JLo gave Vanity Fair the first interview since her marriage to Skeletor was slaughtered and fed to Panthor. While wearing a coat made from the scalped heads of the albino virgins Skeletor sacrificed and fed to his 11" wrist dick, JLo didn't totally get into the rumors that she left the Puerto Rican Ren because she couldn't take his controlling ways anymore.

JLo only said that she loves herself enough (pendeja should've stopped right there) to walk away and that she's constantly searching for love. The last part convinced Vera Wang to take out that mortgage on a $5 million beach house she's been wonk eyeing, because JLo's going to touch a new wedding ring more than than I touched the snooze button this morning (SPOILER ALERT: 8). Here's a few carefully worded quotes that fell out of JLo's mouth hole:

On how she really tried to make her marriage work: “That was my biggest dream, and I really worked hard at it. We both did. Sometimes it doesn’t work—and that’s sad. But I remain an eternal optimist about love. I believe in love. It’s still my biggest dream. I am positive—determined to move forward with my life, bring up my babies, and do the best job I can as a mother, entertainer, and person. I now look forward to new challenges. I feel strong.”

On how Skeletor treated her like shit: "I’m a hopeless romantic and passionate person when it comes to love. It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself enough to walk away from that now.”

On how everything was about Skeletor and the Dragon Tales Twins: "Like I said, we had the first three years of our marriage just for us. I wasn't working, it was mainly about him. Then we got pregnant. Then it became about the kids. And then I started working again."

On how she's so kind of heart that she's actually going to let Skeletor stay in the Dragon Tales Twins' lives: “I will always respect Marc as a singer and performer. We actually work great together, and he was always very supportive. Together we could make magic—and we did. He will always be in our lives. He will always hold a special place in my heart as the father of my children.”

On some bullshit that I can't even...: "I think I'm a really great performer. I think I'm a really great actress. I feel confident in those things—that's a better way to say it. I'm not as gifted a vocalist as some of the girls that are out there, but I know I communicate."

What I'm getting from this is that dozens of People magazine covers with JLo and husband #4, #5, #6, #7, #8 and #9 are in our future. What I'm also getting from this is that JLo can spare us this torture by marrying the one thing that loves her the most: HER MIRROR! Seriously, she loves her mirror and her mirror loves her. When JLo hears love songs, she thinks of her mirror and her mirror thinks of her. Besides, I'm pretty sure a mirror won't let out a fart after it swallows a laugh (it has to go somewhere) when JLo looks deep into it and talks about what a great actress she is. JLo & her mirror = the love story of our time!