JLo

I've said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn't get into this season of American Idol. I'm being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night's finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn't Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn't been a singing competition for a long ass time. It's a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.

Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant's hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody's grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.

Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should've won is America's Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn't do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.

Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There's a reason why balls don't drop during infancy. It's so that your baby doesn't sound like Barry White. But that's just me hating again. I'm sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.

Here's a few pictures from last night's finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo's bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

On last night's American Idol, Casey Abrams, a freakishly tall Hobbit who was forced to flee Middle-earth after finding out that his true father is Hagrid from Harry Potter, ended his performance of Maroon 5's "Harder to Breathe" by getting in JLo's face and launching a kiss onto her cheek. Maybe I've seen too many novellas and basic cable movies about stalkers, but when a man gets in your face like that for an extended period of time it's usually because he wants to tell you that he's about to murder your entire family. Or he wants to tell you that he knows what you did and you better meet him upstairs in his bedroom before he places a call to the sheriff. Unless that's the effect Casey was going for, his timing sucked.

It was extra creepy that Casey kept singing "it's getting hard and harder to breeeeathe" while making it harder and harder for JLo to breathe since he was blocking her air space. See? This is a direct threat and the Middle-earth authorities should be contacted right away.

via HuffPo

There was a time when it seemed like JLo was scootin' on the fast track to Has-Beenville and wouldn't be able to sell out a street fair concert in the Bronx or land a spot on Telemundo's Farting with the Stars, but she has changed lanes, re-signed her contract with Satan and IS BACK! JLo's on a TV show that millions of eye balls stare at, has a single out that millions of ear holes have been exposed to and has now been named the World's Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine. Yeah, I guess stuffing the ballot box with Chantal Biya's name was a waste of time and energy since the only vote that counted was the cashiers check to People from Eternia's business manager.

JLo will call la migra on her maids if they don't refer to her as "the world's most beautiful woman," so she's used to the title, but told People that being gorgeous is part of her job. JLo then said something that made me kiss my monitor with a shot of Juan Valdez. I present you with JLo on her diva reputation:

"I kind of like it. We've kind of owned it now. But I certainly don't like and I've never been a person who has what they call 'diva behavior,' which is something they tried to pin on me for a long time."

Yes, they haven't been able to pin on it her, because if it's not made of platinum, covered in diamonds and been spit shined by a newborn (JLo HATES tainted spit), it's not going on her body.

And I bet that right after she got off the phone with People, JLo sent her slave down to Skeletor's dungeon for punishment after he served her lunch of endangered dolphin skewers with a side of Creme de la Mer sauce on a white cashmere tablecloth instead of a tablecloth threaded from the hairs of albino children. NOT A DIVA!

On last night's American Idol, the judges had to take Chris Medina's dreams, gently place them on the floor and use JLo's double mortar ass to grind them into a fine powder that the producers slathered on Gaycrest's highlights to keep his shit shiny. This was especially hard for JLo to do, because her heart wept when met Chris' wheelchair-bound wife (who suffers from a brain injury) during auditions. After JLo gently told Chris that he will not get the chance to butcher an American classic with the Top 24 in the finals, Chris thanked the judges and graciously left the room. JLo, however, turned that shit on like a casting director was in the room and the bill from her jeweler was due!

JLo broke down the way most of us did after the credits from Gigli came up and we realized what we just spent on our time on. JLo thought about the time she caught a glimpse of Skeletor's naked body under full sunlight and she started to cry as Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson consoled her. JLo was worried that she didn't use the right words and was upset that the hammer of rejection that broke Chris' heart was in her hand. MAKING IT ABOUT YOU: JLo is doing it right!

Once JLo wiped the crocotears from her cheek with a cashmere tissue, she got into her chauffeur-driven Maybach and went back to her $50 million mansion where she slipped on her pajama diamonds and continued her cry fest on a silk pillow stuffed with swan feathers. Meanwhile, Chris got in a shuttle that took him back to his economy room at the Ramada where he got on the phone to tell his family that the chick from Anaconda ate his DREAMS! But POOR YOU, JLo!

Yeah, I know some of you are saying, "But Michael, JLo has the heart of Mother Theresa and when you cry, she cries." "But Michael, JLo is as genuine as the diamonds she wears when she takes a bubble bath in Volvic." "But Michael, JLo means it, but Paula Abdul never did." To which I say, NEVAH! While JLo's manufactured sadness came from a jar of Creme de la Tears, Paula's tears were always real! Yes, Paula's tears were a side effect from injecting morphine directly into her eyelid veins, but they were still real!

via HuffPo

The game of life has never been a fair one, and here's yet another example of that. Talent has never been a friend of Jennifer Lopez and she's about as plain as a stale piece of Wonder Bread, but yet she's always bathed in diamonds, 20-ply cashmere and golden weave hair spun by Rumpelstiltskin. And here's Claudia Vazquez, a woman with so much shiny talent that it's liquefied and is seeping out of the pores on her eyelids. And yet, she's a struggling single mother who can barely afford a can of White Rain hairspray to keep her curly mane crunchy. Claudia knows this, so she is suing JLo for $10 million! Let it be known that I'm not the judge in this totally worthless case, but I'm still going to raise my gavel and give Claudia ALL DAH MONEYZ!

Claudia is a producer on Ojani Noa's film project and says that she has poured all of her blood, sweat and coins into the movie and it needs it to get made! This is the same movie that JLo is trying to stop from getting made, because Ojani plans to use intimate footage of her he took while they were married for a quick second. Claudia tells Radar that it's not fair that JLo has EVERYTHING and is still stomping all over her dreams. Cut to Claudia:

"I'm just me and I'm defending my career, my life. It isn't fair that Jennifer Lopez has all the money in the world. Why would she stop somebody that is so small for her? If Ojani is not important in her life, why would she waste so much money and time doing this? She is affecting my life, she is affecting my company, she's affecting my work and mostly, my kids. I already spent a lot of money on this movie. Just do whatever it takes and close the deal and make it happen. Just let him [Noa] go and let us make a movie. Talk to your advisers, talk to your heart, and let's just stop this nonsense... please."

Unfortunately, I don't think Claudia's plea is going to sway JLo. If anything it's going to make JLo turn it up. JLo is going to take one look at Claudia's intense beauty and will do whatever it takes to ruin her.

This is just like David and Goliath! Well, if Goliath was tone deaf and had a fat ass. And if David's bathroom drawer was filled with Bonne Bell and Wet 'N Wild cosmetics. TEAM BEAUTY (aka DAVID)!

In continuing this morning's theme of ex-husband's exposing your shit, Radar says that the horse fly named Ojani Noa, who won't stop trying to bite at JLo's dingles no matter how many times she swats him away, is baaaaack for more fun! A judge has already granted a restraining order barring Ojani from releasing intimate tapes of JLo but he's trying again. Ojani has found yet another vintage tape of JLo and wants to use it in the mockumentary about his life (aka the mockumentary nobody cares about except him). But JLo's team of lawyers have already filed papers to stop the tape from touching the public's eyes.

A rep for Ojani says that this tape was taken while the two were on vacation in Cuba. The tape not only shows JLo's double stuffed ass on a scooter, but you also get a clear shot of her cooter. That rhymes! It should be her next song. Anyway, Ojani's rep said this: "JLo is riding a scooter in public in Cuba, while talking to the camera and numerous by-standers, with her privates in as plain view as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have in the past. This is among other nudity on her part in the now 21 hours of home movies, that we have so far recovered.

In Noa's Home Videos, Lopez displays deviant behavior by consensually exposing her genital area in public, however, Noa & Meyer (Ojani's producing partner) have never ever intended to market this and the many other racy, damaging & expositive scenes from the Home Videos. It must also be stated that in Noa's Home Videos, Lopez gives her full consent to Noa taping her."

If exposing your wet parts in public is considered "deviant behavior" then the government is going to need to build bigger prisons, because we're all in trouble.

But how is putting your chocha on a display for a few seconds considered deviant? Does JLo's pussy look like a cartoon villain with a curly moustache? Does it have devil horns? Does it appear in the bathroom mirror when you flush the toilet ten times in a row in the dark? Does she have PedoBear shaved into her crotch bush?

I love how Ojani thinks JLo slipping a clit is considered "deviant behavior" but releasing video of her slipping a clit isn't deviant at all. I swear, Ojani needs to go PLUCK HIMSELF. I mean that literally, because have you seen those brows?

Or maybe that's a hybrid of her sexyface and doodybubbleface. Yeah, that's probably it, because I'm pretty sure JLo injects potent Botox in her cooch so she never has to piss again! So, at the London Hotel in West Hollywood, CA today, JLo Kardashian filled the room with the toxic scent of scorched wig and burnt Styrofoam (blame the lights) while talking about her new line of "lifestyle" crap with Skeletor for Kohls. So now you know where to get a pillow case that camouflages your bronzer skid marks and a scarf that doubles as a bib you can use to wipe any virgin guts you got on your cheek while feeding.

The red green carpet at The Latin Grammy Awards is always a field covered with delicate flowers whose petals are touched with the finest crystals found in a Michael's sale bin and they did not disappoint this year. Mostly that's because d'Manti chose to rise out of the lotus flower she lives in and grace us with her presence. d'Manti's website tells me that she's a singer, dancer, actress and born entertainer, and her style tells me that she's the kind of elegant lady who will only address you if you oh-so-gently kiss the top of her hand first.

The top of d'Manti says "third runner-up in Spearmint Rhino's Dancing with the Strippers contest" and the bottom says "Gay Al Reynolds' favorite ridin' outfit." The down south pearl necklace is the perfect touch. And d'Manti has so much glamour to give that she changed into a "Carrie does the Ice Capades" dress and walked the carpet again. I must bow.

And as much as it pains me in the soul to say this, I'm sure the sequins on Charo's gown dimmed in honor of d'Manti when she sashayed by. The Queen of the NIGHT!

Those lucky enough to bask in d'Manti's perfectly manicured beauty were: Jesus Albert Miranda Perez, Skeletor and JLo, CHARO!!!, Elvis Crespo, Hebe Carmargo, Jossie Cordoba, the Cuban Rainbow Brite known as Lucrecia and Paloma San Basiliio.

Okay, so maybe last night's Carousel of Hope Ball wasn't only attended by a menagerie of ravishing creatures who have the power to make stars twinkle extra bright. Case in point: Tiger Woods' $10 million side-piece Rachel Uchitel showed up on the arm of her Celebrity Rehab castmate Gummi Bear. Whatever is happening to Gummi Bear's paw is also happening to my retinas when I stare at this picture of him kissing on Rachel's face while she screws the camera. Clean up on every aisle.

Is Rachel Uchitel that big of a whore that she would lick on Gummi Bear's extra chunky dick butter for a few more seconds under the spotlight? That's rhetorical. I don't know whether to blow a cloud of sage smoke at her face or anoint her as our new leader of shameless whores.

While I contemplate this, you can go through some pictures of Rachel Cuchitell and Gummi Bear last night. I also threw in some pictures of JLo with Skeletor. Sadly JLo's not wearing nearly enough HSN jewels to quality for the glamour category so I had to stick her with the slugs for now.