Vintage

Here's a 13-year-old Ke$ha torturing her peers while singing Radiohead's Karma Police at her junior high school talent show. Thom Yorke finally knows the cause of that severe heart burn and gas he suffered back on that particularly shitty day in 2000.

And this is why being famous is the worst. Terrible shit you did when you didn't know any better (not that she knows any better now) comes back to terrorize you later in life. Most of us took a Lohan load of mind-altering substances just so we could try to forget all about the time we danced to a Rhythm Syndicate song in our 7th grade talent show.

Despite popular belief, Christopher Walken did come out of his mother's womb as an old man who takes no shit from shit. No, once upon a Three Wolf Moon, Christopher was a young, powdery, hot piece of ass who made the young ladies drop their lace handkerchiefs and reach for the smelling salts. And this picture is proof!

I seriously want to print this out in sepia, put in a locket around my neck and run through the wheat fields with a parasol in hand.

via WOW Report

.....there was PIANO BUNNY! Although, it doesn't take a member of Peta to tell you that Piano Bunny obviously didn't want to be in the spotlight.

Here's a clip from 1983 of some terrifying crazy lady, who I'm pretty sure was Dana Carvey's inspiration for the Church Lady, forcing her pet bunny to play the piano. The loontardian even shouts at the poor creature, "PLAY LIKE YOU DID YESTERDAY!" Obviously, Joe Jackson taught this crazy everything he knows about how to pimp out your young.

Hopefully that bunny got her back by shitting in her ears while she slept. A bunny's poo ball can travel to the BRAIN!

VIA Buzzfeed

Jon Hamm looks like the Disney prince of your genital's dreams today, and he looked like that in high school too. THAT BITCH! Above is one of Jon's high school yearbook pictures, and I'm sure you'll be spending the day Photoshopping your legs around his neck.

And let's not exchange high school pictures, because Satan uses mine to torture his victims. It's hell's equivalent to laughing gas, so you don't want to do that to yourself. Not today.

Source: JH Center VIA ONTD

Before Lady CaCa was a serious fartiste who wears hamster balls as fashion, she was just a regular girl who went by the name of Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Above is that regular girl on MTV's Boiling Point back in the day. Boiling Point was this bunk ass hidden-camera show that challenged bitches to keep their cool when faced with fuckery. I couldn't ever get through an episode of that crap without shouting "SHANK THE BITCH" at least once. I mean, why would you not want to unleash your inner cunt when you have the chance? Makes no sense.

Anyway, it's nice to see Lady CaCa as a norman human being who used to wear Forever 21 and isn't constantly blabbing about how she shits out masterpieces on the regular.

And if you don't flip the bitch switch while watching this mess from the side, then you win! This clip is side-eyeing itself.

VIA ONTD

Someone who went to high school with The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak sent in this truly precious yearbook picture from her freshmen year in 1980. NO, it's not from 1980. Apparently, she was a freshmen in 1993, so that means she really (WARNING: clear your throat of anything you might choke on) is 30.

This picture might be from 1993, but her hair is straight out of 1987. Bitch's hair was tardy for the party. Seriously, I can smell the AquaNet (the pink can) and sweat from the hours of teasing with a tube brush wafting off of this picture. Why does the Kim of today cover up the electric youth gorgeousness with a fall made out of hair from fallen Barbies? Kim needs to free the half-dead bleached raccoon on her head and bring this look back! Speaking of half-dead beasts.....

Here's some pictures from last night's premiere party for season two of RHOA. Please tell me they caught the criminal who attacked Sheree's head with a taser gun and Kim's face with a turkey baster filled with liquid nails. ILLEGAL! Visit Freddyo to witness more Grade A fuckery from last night.

I think I got jizz poisoning last night, because I've had the barfs all morning in the grossest way. You know what's extra disgusting? Whenever I've got the purgies, my dog comes around the bathroom, sniffing at me like the buffet is open for business. Why are dogs so shamelessly gross?! That is not right.

Anyway, even though I'm feeling vommy, I'd still devour an entire tub of this Mother's Circus Animal Cookies ice cream from 1987. I didn't even know this deliciousness existed?! It's like the cream from an angel's vagina. Do you think I can buy some on eBay? Don't even tell me I should just crush down some cookies in vanilla ice cream, because that's way too much work.

And just ignore Matt LeBlanc's presence.

(Thanks Kazan)

This is the most adorable thing I've seen since watching a video of a hedgehog stuck in a toilet paper roll earlier today. It's Verne Troyer when he was in high school in Michigan. So I guess we can say when he was a mini-mini-Mini-Me. He looks like a little chipmunk! I just want to give birth to him and feed him acorns. You know, that's probably possible now, because I'm sure I can get him up my no-no and then push him out. But he doesn't have that little Alvin from The Chipmunks face anymore!

Verne was even voted Centreville High's Prom King! Hmm... I suspect some ballot-stuffing went on. Meaning, Verne stuffed himself in the ballot box, so that when they went to open it, he was just sitting there. They said "fuck it" and declared him the winner! Seriously, if he went to my high school, I would have voted him Prom King, Homecoming Queen, Big Mini Man on Campus, etc... etc....

And for more Verne adorableness, click here to see him in an afro wig singing "Endless Love" with Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother. I wish Verne could serenade me to sleep every night with his lil' baby chipmunk voice.

Christmas has come a little early thanks to a beautiful angel who sent me these pictures of The Silver Fox during his high school days at Dalton. Well, he was more like a brown fox then. The silver came when he first got his shiny star tickled by the tongue. He giggled, a huge cloud of glitter came out of his ass and boom! The Silver Fox was born!

He was still a hot piece back in the day, but in the second picture below he's kind of looking a little Vermont lesbian-ish. I'd still hit it.

And you know I'm going to get "Mary had a little lamb, the doctor fainted" tattooed on my ass.

I've always wondered why musicians sweat so much. I mean, all they have to do is sing. What did the Deppster do, douche himself with baby oil before he came out? He looks like somebody grabbed his ass by the ankles and gave him a swirly in the toilet.

And while we're on the subject of crappy garage bands, we must have gone back in time. It feels like the grimy 90's all over again. I thought grunge went out when Kurt punched his time card early. Should Johnny have to keep looking over his shoulder for Courtney Love lurking in the shadows waiting to plunge a syringe in his forearm?

Here's Johnny's old high school rock band The Kids at a benefit concert in Pompano Beach, Florida last night.

That's being said, I'd hit that shit and slip 'n slide all around his Crisco covered chest. No lube required! And I'd suck up the rest of his greasy sweat with my no-no hole. Dyson ain't got shit on me.