Theater

I went to Williamstown, MA a couple of weekends ago, because every now and again I like to trade in my nightly routine of getting drunk in my underwear on my couch for getting drunk in my swim panties on a patch of grass in the country somewhere. And I also went, because my gay gene compelled me to see a Sharon Tate-ized Leslie Bibb as a bimbo in a Neil Simon play. While I was there, some goat-footed, wheezy old theater queens (aka me in five years) in the lobby kept slobbering on and on about how Bradley Cooper has been a revelation during rehearsals for The Elephant Man. Then they said something about how B. Coop is only wearing old-timey chonies for a small chunk of the play. That was all I needed to hear to run to the box office and say, "One ticket for next week's opening night of The Elephant Mens, please." A bunch of whores had the same idea as me, because I was denied a ticket and told the entire run sold out in a quick second. Boo.

Well, now I'm really booing at not getting a ticket, because here's some pictures of B. Coop pushing out some serious raw emotions in The Elephant Man and I need to see all this WTF-ness live and in motion. The dude who plays Joseph Merrick in The Elephant Man never wears prosthetics, because the playwright Bernard Pomerance wanted everything to be communicated through physical acting stuff. But I think Bernard Pomerance was a future see-er and just really wanted the world to see B. Coop making an "Andy Cohen rocking out to Journey" face, among many others. Just give B. Coop all the Tonys already.

Bonus: Here's a picture of Bowie in a loin cloth as Merrick.

......and it's going to star Zooey Deschanel as Loretta Lynn. I'll wait here while you ask Siri, "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

At a show at the Grand Ole Opry in 1979, Loretta brought Sissy Spacek onstage and announced she handpicked Sissy to play her in the Coal Miner's Daughter. Loretta did the same thing for Zooey at the Ryman Auditorium last night. According to Playbill, Loretta told the audience:

“It’s a long way from Butcher Holler to Broadway in New York City. I never imagined I’d see 'Coal Miner’s Daughter' on a movie screen, and now I can’t believe it’s going to be on a stage for people to see,” said Lynn. “I’m going to be right there in the front row. And I know Zooey is going to be great – she sings and writes her own songs just like I do, and we even have the same color eyes!”

The show has a star, a website and producers, but it doesn't have writers or a director, so it might not even happen. Yeah, I'd rather Loretta Lynn play Loretta Lynn on Broadway (yes, she still can) than a come-to-life Holly Hobbie doll who is too damn lazy to look outside her window to see if it's raining, but I don't have any feelings either way about this. But mostly that's because the only feeling I'm feeling right now is queasiness. It isn't from this news, it's from eating a multi-vitamin with my lunch. See, I try to do something healthy and my body rejects it! I bet this wouldn't have happened if I ate a donut with my lunch. Fuck vitamins!

It looks like the opening night performance for Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark will now be held at Lenox Hill Hospital's physical therapy room. I mean, this $65 million mess is turning into Larry H. Parker's workers comp wet dream come true. In case you don't already know, the Julie Taymor-directed and U2-penned (Ugh, I know) Broadway musical has delayed its opening a couple of times due to creative changes and has claimed 3 performer injuries. Well, add another one to the list, because the show was cut short last night after stunt actor Christopher Tierney (who does the flying stunts for the Spider-Man character) fell from a platform into the pit when the rope holding him snapped. Okay, when even the ropes are pulling some "I QUIT THIS BITCH" shit, it's time to shut it down and leave that flying crap to the Cirque du Soleil people.

The New York Times says that towards the very very end of the show, Mary Jane falls into the pit and Spider-Man is supposed to jump down to save her. But instead of the two rising triumphantly from the pit, Mary Jane screamed and started crying like the critics will be on opening night. The house lights immediately went up and everyone was told to go home. 911 was called and Christopher was taken to Bellevue Hospital Center by ambulance. Christopher gave the thumbs up as he was shuffled into the ambulance, and apparently he suffered minor injuries and will be released soon. Clip of Christopher free falling to pain below (courtesy of TMZ):

This Faces of Death shit hasn't even opened yet and people are already bleeding for it. It's not right when the cast members are updating their wills, taking out bigger life insurance policies, calling their loved ones before every show to say "I love you..." and making the sign of the cross over their faces when they sashay out on stage. Don't ever say "break a leg" to a Spider-Man cast member, because it will probably happen.

On a positive note, if Julie Taymor's main goal is to lure Nascar fans to Broadway, it's working.

I don't know whether it's the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don't touch the stuff because I'm lactose intolerant.

You know, I don't even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei's b-hole, she'll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she's injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.

Here's CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during "Send in the Clowns" at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.

CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here's a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can't either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.

Daniel Radcliffe has the itch for Broadway again and it's telling him to dance DANCE DANCE! Variety (via NYDN) says that DanRad will flutter and sing in a revival of How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. If you ask me, DanRad should first take a class in How To Succeed in Showing Your Peen In A Broadway Play first.

DanRad, who took it all off in Equus last year, will take part in a reading of the musical this December. If the reading goes well, they will start planning a full production for next year.

The last time the musical was revived on Broadway was in 1995. It starred Matthew Broderick. You better believe Matthew is going to ring up DanRad and offer to help him with "getting into character." Matthew's technique involves several flavors of lube and deep breathing exercises. Such a Thespian!

Poison performed with the show Rock of Ages on the Tony Awards tonight and the theater gods were not amused with the idea of the keeper of the whores on Broadway. They gave Bret Michaels a warning by practically decapitating him and knocking him on his ass! HAHAHAHA! Who ever said the Tonys didn't bring laughs?! I wonder if his "fine European extensions" survived? And I also wonder how long it took them to mop up all the douche water that splashed out of his ears? What a beautiful moment. Totally rock and fucking roll.

And here's some pictures of Poison with Constantine before Bret almost got beheaded. I guess C.C. Deville couldn't make it. It was nice of Phyllis Diller to fill in for him.

File this under: news that made my nipples pass out. The New York Post (via Playbill) says that Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig will star in a Broadway play together later this fall. That theater is going to constantly smell like spoiled goat milk, hot dog water and discarded tuna cans.

Hugh and Daniel will both play cops (MY BUTT JUST BLEW UP) in A Steady Rain by playwright Keith Huff. The play is about "two Chicago cops whose friendship is tested by a domestic dispute they encounter in a poor neighborhood."

Okay, what is the title referring to exactly? Does it refer to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the rain pant-less? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the shower shirtless? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace while one of them is going pee pees?

It doesn't really matter. Just tell me if they will be selling a clean change of panties at the concession stand or if I have to bring my own?

Normally when it's announced that a movie is turning into a gay ass musical spectacular, I get the dry heaves in my asshole, but this shit right here has made my life. Andy Fickman of Reefer Madness fame is putting together a musical based on the 1988 life-changing epic Heathers. Andy, Kevin Murphy and Larry O'Keefe have been working on this shit for a while now. They hope to get it up on Broadway by 2010.

Andy said, "'I love my dead gay son.' If you can get that into a song, then that is just perfect."

Broadway wouldn't be my first choice for this shit. It would be even better if they did it with an all-tranny cast at a dinner theater in Sprinboro, Ohio.

Seriously, think about the possibilities if they don't fuck it up. I mean, dancing BBQ CornNuts, a singing Martha Dumptruck (Andy Milonakis in his stage debut) and a riveting ballad called "Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw" (now I know where THEY got the idea)...this might be amazing.

Then again, it also might be a giant puddle of hot vom. And bulimia's so '87.

It's already been announced that the bitches of Broadway are turning Jacko's song "Thriller" into a full-fledged Broadway musical, and now they are planning to give Betty Boop the musical treatment.

Pop songwriter and reality star (Princes of Malibu, duh) David Foster, who has worked with Celine Dion and Mimi, will write the music for this future caca fiesta. Some hos named Oscar Williams and Sally Robinson will write the book. The producers are aiming to open on Broadway during the 2010-2011 season. The show is expected to close 2 days later. They issued this press release:

"In the new musical, the inimitable Betty Boop joins her friends Bimbo and Koko to work her irresistible charm in reuniting her grandfather (who has created the Greatest Invention of Mankind) with the long-lost, true love of his life, while saving the Happy Heart Theater from the developer's bulldozers."

I'm going to name my first and second born brats Bimbo and Koko. Seriously, I don't know how to take this shit. On one hand, Betty Boop is an old timey tramp and Broadway needs more slutiness. On the other hand, can you really handle listening to some squeaky-voice singing "boop-boop-a-doop" over and over again for 90-minutes? And how are they going to capture the magicalness (I think I made that up) of her gargantuan head?! That's her best feature!

Methinks this shit is going to be more like "Betty Poop."

Source: Playbill

I like where Broadway is going. I applaud celebrity dudes getting on stage and showing their wangs to a live audience. This is what theater needs. However, Zac Efron's peen is not the dick I had in mind to replace DanRad's wang in "Equus" on Broadway.

Zac tells The Sun that he's ready to shed his goody-goody Disney image by exposing his skin lipstick on the Great White Way. Zac says, "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway, well it's been mentioned.”

I know some of you whores are producing massive amounts of panty pudding over this bit of news, but think it through. There's no way Zac is going to show off his man clit in its natural state. This is the Cover Girl princess we're talking about. The peen is going to be covered in powder, foundation, bronzer, mascara, lipstick, false eyelashes and glitter. It's not going to look like a beautiful penis. It's going to look like fucking Xtina.