Jordan & Harvey

The theme for the day really is balloons on the loose. Katie Price kept with that theme by bringing her twin Harvey heads out in London tonight. I still don't think Katie's boobs are high enough. It's kind of demure. Homegirl should've rang up Snoop Dogg and asked him to hook her tittays up with some hydraulics. That way they could bounce up past her head. Basically, when Katie walks into a room, it should look like two gigantic chichi balls crushing a peacock to death. Need more booooooobs.

Just for the record, I'm sure that wasn't the only peencock laying on Katie's lap tonight.

Katie Price, who has made zillions of dollars from allowing cameras to shoot her every bowel movement, wasn't exactly thrilled with a group of paps yesterday. Katie Spears-ed the pappies by attacking them with her umbrella while screaming at them "get a fucking real job!" That was the punchline.

No, Katie didn't go full Cheeto by shaving her weave off for the occasion, but I'm sure her fat kitty is completely bald, so that sort of counts.

Katie's spokeswhore actually issued a statement about the non-incident: "Kate understands the nature of her job and generally co-operates with the media. But yesterday she said they were being very intrusive and had overstepped the mark."

Or maybe Katie was just in a rush to get home, because the rain was starting to wash away all the layers of orange diarrhea on her skin.

In that picture above, the only thing Alex Reid is thinking about is how he can't wait to get home, rip that dress off of Katie Price's body, slip those shoes off and then put them on himself so he can sashay around like he's LIP-SYNCHING FOR HIS LIFE on RuPaul's Drag Race! According to The Sun, Katie Price's latest fuck time partner just loves the feeling of satin against his rotten orange butt skin and lace over his raisin nipples.

A source said that Alex confessed to Katie that he has been cross-dressing under the name of Roxanne ever since he was 16 and he's not about to stop. Alex goes all out when he becomes Roxanne. Dude tucks his jerky dick into a pair of pantyhose, puts on a sparkly dress, slaps on a wig and sprays a shit load of make-up on his face. And he probably looks hotter than Brooke Hogan after he does it.

Since Katie is an "anything goes" kind of whore, she's fine with Alex wearing her dresses and she's even bought him a pair of high heels. The source went on to say that Katie can't wait to meet Roxanne. Make that two of us!

I'm beginning to like this Alex/Roxanne bitch! Yes, Alex has a face that only Harvey's fist could love, but the ladydude sounds he's down for a good time. I mean, he's a cage fighter by day, and a cage dancer in stilettos by night! Wurk it, GURL!

Somewhere in the world, Peter Andre is making a sad face while wearing a sequined gown, because if he only knew that Katie was fine with dicks in dresses......

Harvey Price's biological father, Dwight Yorke, has slithered out of the gutter and is now ready to raise him as his own. If this doesn't deserve a FUCK OFF stamp from Harvey, I don't know what does.

Dwight, who jumped out of the picture shortly after Harvey was born 7 years ago, told the News of the World that he's always wanted to spend some time with his son, but Katie Price and Peter always put up a stop sign. Now that Peter isn't married to Katie, Dwight wants to be Harvey's full-time father. Dwight said, "Over the years I've heard Katie saying how Andre is Harvey's dad and what a terrible, uncaring father I've been, all of which sticks in my throat. Maybe if she hadn't made life so difficult for me, I might have been able to take a far more proactive role."

Dwight also said that when he found out Peter wanted to adopt Harvey, he was ready to choke the jizz out of him ( try not to touch yourself). Dwight said, "And then they had the gall to talk about Andre adopting him. I so, so wanted to grab him around the neck and throttle him for his insensitivity. So close. Having put up with everything his missus had thrown at me, I now had to listen to this idiot lecturing me on fatherhood? I don't think so. The guy's a muppet."

When the Daily Mail asked Peter about Dwight's comments, he took the dick out of his mouth and responded with, "I do not hate Dwight and I didn't realize he felt that way about me. But I have been a real father of Harvey and he calls me Daddy. I guess that sticks in Dwight's throat."

What's all this "sticks in my throat" shit?! Obviously, Peter and Dwight want to 69 each other.

I'm sure Harvey regularly kicks Peter in the face and wakes him up in the morning by stomping on his stomach, but he does it out of love. That's because Peter is his father. After all, the orange 'mo helped raise Harvey. So Dwight needs to fill out an application, take a number and get to the back of the line marked "Bitches Who Want To Spend Time with Harvey." And the line is looooong.

Last month, Katie Price revealed that she was raped several times when she was younger. At the time, Katie really didn't offer up any details, but she is now. Instead of going to the police, Katie went to OK! Magazine, naturally, and told them the man who raped her is a famous celebrity who knows her ex-husband Peter Andre. BLIND ITEM ALERT!

Katie said, "A famous celebrity raped me and Peter knows who it was. It was years ago before I was with Pete, and my friends and family knew about it at the time." When asked why Peter Andre didn't run off to the authorities or de-dick the dude who attacked his wife, Katie said, "I have no idea. He's not the Pete I knew any more. He's being really cruel when he knows exactly who did it."

Katie has her reasons for not going to the police and vowed to never talk about it again. We'll see about that. I won't be surprised if OK! turns this into some blind item guessing game...with prizes. Ugh.

VIA The Sun

Peter Andre and Katie Price's marriage was put under the guillotine and quickly beheaded this morning at London's High Court. The Mirror says that Peter or Katie were not present when a judge declared their officially marriage over. Peter and Katie listed "unreasonable behavior" as the reason for their divorce. Any whore who has seen more than two seconds of their reality show would co-sign that wholeheartedly!

I will admit that this brings the sads just a little bit. I mean, look at the picture above. There was a time when these two were the most elegant and delicate crystal flowers in England (sorry, Jodie Marsh). They were so classy that they made everyone want to masturbate with a pinky But then Katie decided she wanted to clean herself up and stop being such a skank.

That's when I immediately jumped off, because I cannot condone a born and bred slut turning her back on her roots. After that, Katie & Peter just weren't the same for me. But at least we'll always have this stunning portrait of refinement. So, we should thank them for that!

Katie Price has only been rubbing her labia lips all over Alex Reid's "Quasimodo after motorboating Aretha Franklin" face for five weeks, but he has declared that he's in love love love with her! This isn't surprising since Alex could probably fall in love with a dehydrated butt nugget if he stared at it long enough and a Carpenters song happened to be playing in the background.

Alex tells NOW Magazine (via DM), "We have an amazing connection. It's something I can't describe in words. We spend an hour just looking at each other in the eyes - it's mad! I've never, ever, ever, felt like this. She questions me about it, and yes I've been in love, but I've never felt like this. I want to be with her all the time. I have told her I love her pretty much every day since we met. And about 50 million times a day."

So, let's see, they stare at each other for hours at a time (see "butt nugget" comment above) and all he says to her is "I Love You" over and over again. Basically, Katie is dating a talking baby doll with a half-melted Mickey Rourke mask over its head who says "I love you" every time she punchs it in the belly button? Sounds about right.

And in other news you can fart to, Katie has denied the rumors that she's knocked up with Alex's child. On her new reality show, Katie brought the cameras into the bathroom and let them film her as she pissed on a pregnancy test. Katie said, "They came in the toilet with me and they've watched it develop... I'm 100 per cent not pregnant, I'm 100 per cent not getting married... there's no babies on the agenda."

I'd rather watch Bobby Brown push out one of Whitney Houston's doody bubbles in slow motion than watch Katie Price squatting over a stick. Well, unless is Harvey Price is in the room telling her to "fuck off." That is the only thing that would make it watchable.

Here's the two lovebirds going to the gym together yesterday and then going for a run.

Katie Price's friends and managers are begging her to drop her latest dick after details of some movie he shot a while ago were released. Katie's piece, Alex Reid, stars in a movie called Killer Bitch, which features him raping a girl played by actress Yvette Rowland. In the scene, Alex grabs her by the neck, chokes her a bit, pulls down his chonies and then does her. This has made Katie's aides all nervous-like, because they think this will ruin her "family-friendly image." I'll wait here while you go and get some Windex to clean up the Tang (with a splash of Bacardi) you spit up on your monitor after reading that last part.

One friend told The Mirror, “It’s very seedy. A number of friends and her media advisers feel her relationship with Alex will be detrimental to both her and her career. They desperately want her to leave him before it’s too late. Pete’s beyond outraged by this new low. He thinks it’s absolutely disgusting and can’t believe his children are spending time in the presence of this man.”

Yes, this will definitely tarnish Katie's good name since she is such a pristine virgin flower who wilts when you even curse in front of her. Cue Harvey shouting: "BITCH, PLEASE!"

Before Jodie Marsh came on the scene, Katie was the skankest skank who ever skanked (aww...memories). So her boyfriend's "fake rap scene" is nothing. Her friends need to stop worrying about stupid shit like this and focus on more important things: LIKE KATIE'S BUSTED TO SHIT WEAVE! Get that bitch a garden hoe so that she can tame the weed nest on her head. It looks like she accidentally dropped a cookie crumb in her hair and Harvey went crazy to try and find it.

I also don't approve of those obese tarantula legs on her eyes, but I understand why she's wearing them. Those things block her vision a bit, so that when she looks at her boyfriend's Quasimodo face, she doesn't get the full effect.

Here's Katie and her lovah on holiday in Cadiz, Spain yesterday.

Katie Price's road runner vagina moves fast. Bitch has only been separated from Peter Andre for a quick minute and she's already got herself a new regular piece. I'm not even mad at her. Dick is like oxygen to us sluts! A day without a dick is like a day without sunshine (or fake tan diarrhea in Katie's case).

Katie confirmed to OK! (via The Sun) that she's bumping bits with cage fighter Alex Reid. Yeah, he fights in cages for a living which is why his face looks like Harvey Price's personal trampoline. Only a face like that can truly handle Katie's labia lips.

Katie said, "Everyone I get photographed with at the moment I'm supposedly sleeping with! But I can confirm I'm seeing Alex Reid and no one else. I wasn't seeing him or texting him while I was with Pete. I didn't know him then - I've only been going to the fight school since the break-up. That's all I'm saying about him for now."

A few days ago, Katie and Hammer Face flew off to Spain together for a little frolicking and fucking. Hopefully, they also relaxed by soaking in a hot tub filled with bleach and OxiClean (Billy Mays Nevah Forget). Katie and Alex both looks like the almost rotten tangerine I found in the back of my fridge when I was moving. LAWD. Bitch, looking like an Oompa Loompa's dehydrated butt nugget is never cute.

BAM! If you weren't temporarily knocked out by these gigantic Tupperware titty bowls, then you'll see that they are attached to Katie Price. Bitch came out in a big way to Michelle Heaton's birthday party last night in London. For chichi real. My nipples would be growling in anger if I was Michelle Heaton. It's supposed to be her time and here comes Katie's spotlight breaking tittttttays (so big they need extra Ts). It looks like she's smuggling two Harveys underneath there!

The child beauty pageant contestant Katie stole that dress from is going to be pissed when she gets it back all stretched out and shit.