Jordan & Harvey

Let's have a little moment of silence for Old Jordan. She is officially gone. The Jordan we have all come to know and love has been replaced by this thing. Actually, I shouldn't say "we," because I'm the only one that was into her ass and I was shoving her down your eyeballs.

Seriously, what happened? She's turned into Lindsay Lohan. She's even dressing like her, but even more Long Island. Somebody get Harvey! He needs to come over and tell this new Jordan to "fuck off!" Seriously.

Here's Lindsay Jordan whoring out her new book. Don't buy that shit. I'll give you the book in 34 words, "My name is Jordan and I am an attention whore. Everything I say in this book is shit and was only said to make cash, so I can get more plastic surgery. The End!" You're welcome.

In her new autobiography, Pushed to the Limit, Jordan talks about the night where she took drugs behind Peter Andre's back and thought she was dying! Jordan wouldn't say the drug she used, but said she was going through major postpartum depression and needed a quick fix.

She wrote, "I'm so ashamed of what happened next. After I'd taken it I thought, ‘This feels good' and I took some more. But then the drug took over. My heart seemed to be racing fast, I felt hot and I began to panic. Oh my God, had I overdosed? Was I going to die?" Jordan said she was afraid to tell Peter Andre, because he's anti-drugs. She finally had to tell him, because she thought she was about to begin her journey to hell. Peter flipped out and told her he was going to leave her. They called the doctor and he told Jordan everything was going to be alright. He told her she's still a crack whore, but she will live to see another day.

After the doctor left Peter told her, "You're going to be an unfit mother and I can't be around you. I'm taking Junior!" Jordan stormed out of their house in tears, got into her car and said she contemplated killing herself. "I seriously thought, ‘Shall I end it all now? Drive into this wall and kill myself?'" She should have listened to herself.

Drama queens. Peter is probably always looking for an out. Every night he goes to bed dreaming of the day he can leave Jordan, move to Australia and star in a drag show there. He has the moves for it.

Jordan's drug story reminds me of the first time I did drugs. I thought I was going to die and everyone around me was laughing at my ass! They were high too and told me shit like, "You're already dead. You have no soul! AHAHAHA. You stupid bitch, you will never die." That's not what you need to hear when your heart is racing and your mouth is drier than Paris Hilton's pussy.

Source: News of the World

No, it's a dumb ass slut! Super Whore! Jordan showed off her new boobs at a signing for Jordan: Pushed to the Limit today. Those breasts have been pushed to the limit, because I see some nip!

Pushed to the Limit is Jordan's third autobiography. Yeah, her life is so interesting that she needs three books about it. Here's the description:

In 'Jordan: Pushed to the Limit' Katie Price reveals a truly intimate portrait of her sensational, rollercoaster life Although happily married to Peter Andre, the past few years have been troublesome for Katie. She has overcome a string of fiercely emotional challenges: she has battled post-natal depression, endured a traumatic miscarriage and continually fought fears for the safety and health of her children and husband. It has all undoubtedly taken its toll on her and placed great strains on her relationship.

Sounds like a must (NOT) read.

Wenn

Slowly and slowly the old Jordan is melting away and being replaced by this Katie Price character. I miss the blonde hair, the huge boobs and the tacky (okay, tackier) clothes. Jordan's even going to cut down her boobs even more. Soon, she's going to be flat chested! Ok, not flat chested, but pretty much. At least she's still letting Harvey pick out her clothes. I take that back, there's no way Harvey would put her in that mess. Those shoes are straight up from the Chinese Laundry factory outlet.

Splash

Jordan told OK! Magazine that she's not happy with her new breasts. She's going to make a second trip to Los Angeles to take them down even further. She was hoping her 32Gs would go down to a 32C. They have only made it to 32F.

She said, “When I saw my boobs, I was disappointed because they looked big and I wanted them to be a lot smaller. I’m really disappointed. In fact I’m going back to the States to get them re-done. They hang too low when I’m standing up.”

She also said that she's still holding on to her old implants, "They're in our safe. I'm going to sell them for £1million, and give 10 per cent to charity."

10 percent? Why so generous? Here's a thought. She should take out her implants completely and have them stuffed down her throat. It will solve everyone's problem. She will have smaller breasts and we won't have to hear her talk about how big her husband's dick is anymore.

Source: The Sun - Image: Mr. Paparazzi

Jordan infamously fired her nanny on reality TV and now the nanny is fighting back. Becky Gauld told all to the News of the World and a lot of it involves Harvey. Hand me my fucking shank, Jordan is about to get it. These are some things Becky claims:

Jordan pretends to be a perfect mother on camera, but off camera she's very selfish

She allows Harvey to eat 20 chicken nuggets at once, even though the doctors told her that if he over eats he could die

She was questioned by social services after Harvey burned himself in the bath

She taught Harvey to say "fuck off" so she could have a laugh

The nanny only saw Jordan put her kids to bed 4 times in 18 months

She goes on to talk about how Jordan doesn't watch Harvey's weight problems. Harvey must diet to his thyroid problems, but Jordan can't be bothered. She would rather just feed him McDonald's than try and get him to eat vegetables.

Becky also said she laughed when Jordan won "Mum of the Year" because she's everything but. Becky said, "I am so happy to be away from them. It is just really sad because I miss the boys."

I have a hard time believing any of this, because I've always seen Jordan as a good mother. If this shit is true I swear I would hug her tight until her implants popped.

Oh and in case you missed it, here's the clip of Harvey telling Peter to "fuck off." So charming. Actually coming out of Harvey, it is charming. Charming and sad.

Peter Andre has spoken out on Jordan getting her boobs reduced. Peter misses them, sort of. He told Loaded Magazine, "I used to think just a little more than a handful was plenty enough and I was simply into legs and bums, but Katie and her amazing boobs changed my mind, big time. Once I had those babies in front of my eyes I was a changed man. I often get asked what Katie's breasts feel like and I can tell you that they feel amazing. And very, very real. And very heavy."

Legs, bums and dicks! He forgot the dick part. Peter went on to say that he's glad she had them reduced, " I secretly thought they might have been too big for her body at one point. To be honest, she wasn't even my type. I don't mean she wasn't pretty, but those fake breasts and blonde hair wasn't what I'd normally go for. However, a few nights alone with her and I soon knew what all the fuss was about."

He secretly wants boobs like that. He caresses them thinking how lovely it would be to have two huge ones like that, feeling a big dick go in and out between them. While we're on the subject, what chicks actually love titty fucking? In porn movies, I never understand when a chick is fake moaning from a penis rubbing between her breasts. That looks like it hurts. Like a rug burn. Dick burn!

VIA The Sun

Holy Oompa Loompa! Jordan looks like she was locked in the tanning bed. Harvey probably did it. He was sick of her bragging about her new boobs. Seriously, she looks like Crispy Orange Chicken that's been under the heater for way too long. I do not want. You know she thinks she looks hot. She probably thinks she just has a "little glow."

Here's Jordan and her gay arriving back in London yesterday.

Splashnewsonline.com

This snatch is starting to look like a different person. It's obvious Jordan had her schnoze done, but now her cheeks are starting to look like she stuffed some chicken parm in there. Maybe she removed her tit implants and stuck them in her face. She's not even 30, so I can't wait where her future plastic surgery adventures will take her. She's going to look like Joan Rivers by the time she's 30. Maybe if she laid off the plastic surgery and paid attention to her husband, she'd realize he's a total fruitcake! Clam diggers?

Here's Jordan, Peter Andre and Princess Tia at an airport in Australia yesterday.

Mr. Paparazzi

Harvey's smiling! He's usually so grouchy. He probably bit Jordan's hand after this picture was taken. Well, she was probably hassling him, so she deserved it. Jordan brought the entire family to Australia to visit with Peter Andre's family. Of course reality TV cameras followed them. She probably also wanted to show off her new nose and tits too.

Here she is today with Harvey and her daughter Princess Tiamamaiamamamwaami or whatever the hell that poor child's name is.

Fame Pictures