The CAPTION THIS Contest

Regretting the decision to have her vagina murdered, Amanda attempted to resuscitate it. - ewesocrazy

Runners-up:

Falkor gets in Eddie's favorite position for sex, guaranteeing he doesn't see her face and cavernous nostrils. - LaChaylo

It took Fergie five minutes to realize she was not looking into a mirror. - Trixster

Human Monopede. - Bertice Berry

via Break.com

Finally they developed a microscope capable of showing the passage of chlamydia and gonorrhea simultaneously. - bkmn

Runners-up:

Little Blow Peep sold all of her sheep because their fleece was not made of blow. - SGVpea

Two and a Half Grams - annobanano

"Touched By A Felon" -- Sundays, 8 p.m., on CBS -- America's only Crackhead Broadcasting System!! - Foxxy Brown

via Deadline

Raging Stallion presents its President's Day collection -- Paul ReRear's Midnight Ride; Yankee Do-Hole and the Skin Flute Player; George Washington Crossing Del's Underwear; and Abra-Him Lincoln, and his 9" Log -- just don't call it a "Box Set", we're allergic to boxes. - Strepsi

and

"Oh, you want an American 'flag'. Nevermind." - Betsy Ross misunderstood on her first attempt. - Homeless J

Runners-up:

One look at the wallpaper selection and it was clear why Marcus Bachmann's gay conversion therapy clinic was a bust. - H321

U.S. of Heyyyyyyyyyyy - Trixster

Vivid paves the way for 4th of July fetish porn with the release of "Foreplay, Foreskins, and Forefathers". - perky

via Picture Is Unrelated

Josh and Fergie show off their new "I'm with stupid" t-shirts written in Braille. - Rocket

Runners-up:

Few people realized the extent of Josh Duhamel's Beyonce obsession; his emulation of Queen Bey has gone so far that he has recently taken to donning a fake baby bump, wearing horrendous clothes from the Tina Knowles signature collection, and enduring a loveless marriage to an extremely unattractive musician. - Trixster

"TWO GIANT ASSHOLES!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, shortly before my therapist informs me that he hadn't started the Rorschach Test yet. - cs182

This is the result of a drunken three-way with Kevin Federline. - killerswan

via Facebook

That makes 568 pricks she's had on her face. At least these few don't come with sperm. - El Bastardo

Runners-up:

Needles in a ho-stack. - tsizzle7

Since she's an airhead, Kim figured that she should try to deflate herself in an attempt to lose weight. - Bubbly

The needles actually ricocheted off Kanye. Somebody was trying to puncture his ego. - OurMissC

Having been infected with Kim Kartrashian's famewhoring ways, 5 needles went on to make sex tapes, 7 needles arranged fake weddings and 8 needles got their own reality show. - Johnny Boy

via Instagram

Jessica Simpson has taken up art during her second pregnancy.
First up? A portrait of Joe, made entirely of Weight Watchers' leftovers. - Sugarcoatedbitch

Runners-up:

The doctors warned Adrienne Maloof not to go in the sun or her new face would melt off and the old one would reemerge. - daisy100

Bruce Willis should probably have taken a look at the script before he signed on to do the film "Fry Hard." - Detective_LaToya

Even in zombie death, Richard Simmons is FAAAABULOUUUUS! - Half.Mexican.Wonder

via Picture Is Unrelated

Pope Francis was shocked to discover that Benedict had left behind his very favorite footwear, Gucci Special Edition Ponteef heels. - Dawn Davenport

Runners-up:

Ahh, the new Jimmy Chews. - RandéSleepover

This is what happens when you kick Gary Busey in the face. - Ikcor

I, Charlie Sheen, do hereby bequeath my remaining teeth to be commissioned into a custom pair of Ho shoes to be given to Lindsay Lohan as she will no doubt require my help long after I am gone. - Trishee

For Suri's upcoming 6th Birthday, Tom has had a special pair of high heels made with the teeth of Sea Org slaves. - RHONYC

via Tosh.0

Unfortunately for the internet (and his owners) Grumpy Crab just didn't have the same appeal as Grumpy Cat. - MeowMeow

Runners-up:

"C'mon Lindsay stop struggling, it's called pool therapy and it's part of your rehab program" - El Bastardo

Red Lobster steps up its 'Surf n Turf' menu now offering Supersized King Crab with a 180lb Diver. - RHONYC

Dear Paris,

Nothing you do will bring you back from the black hole of irrelevancy. Not even "leaking" a new sex tape.

Sincerely,

Humanity - gina latina

via Izismile

The Duggars were finally forced to use birth control but it's obvious they don't know how to put on a condom properly. - NovaNightly

Runners-up:

What Goop sees when she looks at her kids. - Spaz de la Whoreta

The Michelin Man and his first wife, before he got famous, bleached his skin and married himself a whitewall. - bambam

The first known pictures of Kimora Lee Simmons' neck finally surface. At last, the world finally knows where Baby Phat came from. - islandgirl

via Break.com

The Nightmare Before Every Fucking Day of the Rest of Your Life. - ISprainedMyUvula

Runners-up:

This year's juggalette convention theme will be focusing on the four Ms: balancing motherhood, meth, marijuana and makeup for success. - LaChaylo

Johnny Depp went on a 12 month beer-binge to get in character to play a pregnant girl.
Helena Bonham Carter rolled out of bed. - @Staxcellence

Thank you Demi for encouraging woman not to hide their pregnant bodies and making moments like these possible. - hotterthanyou

via Poorly Dressed