A Check Is A Check

On Michael Bay's driveway sits his freshly washed Ferrari and on Michael Bay's laptop lives a video file of Megan Fox washing his Ferrari AGAIN! Because Michael Bay announced on his website today that Megan Fox will star in a movie that he's producing. In case the memory box in your brain deleted this highly important information (which is 100% possible), Megan was fired from the Transformers movies, called Michael Bay a regular Hitler and said that working with him was about as wonderful as butt fucking herself with a porcupine that likes to bite. Michael Bay pretty much returned that sentiment and the crew of Transformers had a few (or a thousand) words for her. But I guess they sucked and made up, because Michael Bay cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and he announced the news like this:

TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family

The Family? So I guess that means Michael Bay is the father and you know he makes everybody call him daddy in a high-pitched voice.

Well, I guess the need to put Botox on the table will make you forget that you hate a douche. Get that check, Megan, I guess. Michael Bay didn't say who Megan Fox is playing, but it's kind of obvious that she's going to be April O'Neill, which confirms that this movie is going to be a grade A mess and should only be watched while under the influence of some mind-altering shit.

The only thing that will save this mess of a movie is if they get Vanilla Ice to recreate this masterpiece:

UPDATE: She's playing April O'Neill and that makes no sense. But hopefully they continue to make no sense and cast Courtney Stodden as Donatello.

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT'S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton's cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi's net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn't really apply here. It's like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can't agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don't we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she's not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton's dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming "Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!" he has Demi on the other side screaming...well, some unintelligible shit because she's wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIME....TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi's toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn't seen "girl" since the late 80's, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I'm tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

So in totally not orchestrated to keep her non-working ass in the news news, Radar is reporting that the cat fight between Mother-Of-The-Year and her spawn (not Ali but what's-her-crack) was not over $40K that Lindsay allegedly gave her mom to pay the coke dealer gave her mother to keep her home out of foreclosure then tried to take back, but over REHAB!! Grab a cup of bitch, please, stir in a couple of spoonfuls of stfd and stfu and join me in trying to internalize this. (NOT LIKE THAT!!! Gross).

So Linds, as the story goes, got into it with her mom in a trashy free for all brawl that I wish someone would upload on youtube, not because of money but because Linds at 4am, after clubbing, decided the time was right to bring up her mom's need for weaning herself off the bad shit. I think I speak for everyone when I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Okay, first. When LiLo is checking your ass up, you have some major issues that are far beyond the free clinic's repertoire. I don't think they've created a rehab on this level of CODE 10 MAN DOWN WTMFF situation. Second, when you are throwing fists at your Mom/daughter on the front lawn and you don't live in a trailer, you have lost at life. I don't know who to feel sorry for here. Between Michael Lohan's release of the recorded conversation to Dina "kidnapping" her daughter to Lindsay telling her mom that SHE needs rehab (she does, but I mean come on. It's like a homeless man telling you to get a job), I guess I'll just feel sorry for all of us who have to read about this mess.

What would Dr. Phil say??? At least Scallywagandvagabond says they kissed and made up later. Collecive Awwwwwwww...wtf.

(Thank you M.E.!)

In an Internet commercial for Smartwater, Jennifer Aniston does something no other celebrity has ever done before by making fun of herself and the rumors about her for a check. Jennifer strapped on Beyonce's hand-me-down silicone baby cocoon to laugh at all the pregnancy rumors and she pulled off her Rachel wig to show us that in her natural state she looks like It's Pat after a brow wax (or like a Puerto Rican lunch lady circa 1982, or like Prince on The View yesterday). Yeah, whatever, but where are the scenes of her staging the mock birth of her favorite Beanie Baby in the makeshift labor room in her basement or the scenes of her and Angie Jolie plotting the next chapter of the longest-running publicity stunt known as their feud? That's because those aren't rumors. They're truths according totheMaddoxImadeupinmyheadbecauseimfuckingcrazy.