Afternoon Crumbs

Meanwhile at the Rich, White, Blonde and Insufferable Convention, Goopy Paltrow smiled while thinking, "I'm still better than all of these hags!" - Lainey Gossip

If you replaced Amanda Bynes' aluminum foil Louis Vuitton purse with a Giorgio Beverly Hills tote bag and replaced her blonde weave with teased out burgundy hair, that's what my auntie looked like in 1989 - The Superficial 

I was with this until I heard "...from executive producer Jennifer Lopez" - Towleroad

Every time a stupid trick makes a duckface on the cover of a magazine, an actual duck chops its own duckbill off - Drunken Stepfather

....And six seconds later, Posh Beckham immediately made a lipo appointment, because she gained 0.00009 pounds just from looking at that cake - Celebitchy

What in Voldemort in a wind storm hell is going on with Ivanka Trump's face? - Hollywood Tuna 

Hilary Duff's kid looked piss and I'm sure it's because he just found out that Michelle Williams stole his hairstyle - Popoholic

Tilda and her lovaaaah - ICYDK

Proof that there was LSD in sweatshirt paint - Jezebel

Glee got renewed for 2 more seasons - Just Jared

#itscalledsayingyouhaveamuffintopsoyourfollowerscantellyouhowskinnyouare - HuffPo 

Happy Pubes Friday! - The Berry 

Sandy Duncan, is that you? - Moe Jackson 

When I see the words "Mangum" and "Joe Manganiello" together, I don't think of ice cream - Popsugar

The Hammaconda must've had the night off - I'm Not Obsessed

I'm surprised they didn't give the Kool-Aid Man trout lips and make him skinnier - SOW

Dear Miranda Kerr, please pull out your notebook and turn to your left. That is how you deliver a pose that'll make the boys salivate, honey! - Lainey Gossip

If the evil spirit of Deadmau5 took over RiRi's body... - Drunken Stepfather

Jaden Smith needs less Scientology in his life - Celebitchy

Jeremy Irons opened up his trap hole about same-sex marriage again - Towleroad

We'll know RiRi is knocked up when we hear someone crying "WHYYYYY MEEEE?????" from her stomach area - The Superficial 

One time when I was 6 or 7, I went to a birthday party and the kid's mom gave us so much candy and I kept eating and eating and eating and eating until I barfed it all up on the white kitchen floor. What I stared at on that kitchen floor looks exactly like what's on Kelly Brook's dress - Hollywood Tuna 

Rosario Dawson's serving us some ho shit in GQ - Popoholic

"OhmyXenu, me too, Heather!" - John Travolta - ICYDK

NBC should pull Today's ratings back up by turning the camera around and showing all the foolery that happens behind-the-scenes - Jezebel

With our luck, Kim Kartrashian will use this to her advantage and get cast as Chewbacca in the new Star Wars movies - IDLYITW

Time is trying to sell us that they have no idea what the definition of "influential" is - The Berry 

William Levy is hot even with Kim Kardashian's used wax strips on his head - Just Jared

Panty Creamer of the Day: Mark Wright - OMG Blog

If "Suki Waterhouse" is one of Victor Garber's nicknames, then the answer is yes - I'm Not Obsessed

But for why is JLo wearing a children's nightgown from the 1890s? - HuffPo 

Teen Mom Farrah is not only brainless, but she's homeless now too - Reality Tea 

Just think, Adrienne Maloof's mouth has been on that - SOW

I guess Vanessa Hudgen's ecstasy-induced Coachella high wore off - Celebslam

Elizabeth Hurley's dress looks like it made of glitter-covered red licorice laces - Popsugar

Anybody who sees Jenna Jameson out in the wild probably expects her to spit out glittery unicorn shit since her head looks like a My Little Pony's ass - Hollywood Tuna 

Goopy Paltrow isn't laughing, she's heaving, because Robert Downey Jr. ate McDonald's before kissing her - Lainey Gossip

I'll buy one advanced ticket and bring my own popcorn-scented lube if Superman stays furry and topless the entire time - Towleroad

I really hope that's a Hello Kitty blow dryer in Mimi's hand - Drunken Stepfather

Rachel Bilson is in a bikini and Hayden Christensen looks like a middle-aged tax accountant who hasn't seen the natural sun since November - The Superficial 

Alien-loving Tommy Girl signs on to another alien movie - Celebitchy

This rabbit is patiently waiting for the day when rabbits take over the world and it'll get to laugh at a post called Stuff On My Human - The Berry 

The drawer lining paper from my abuelita's old dresser looks good on Heather Graham - Popoholic

FINALLY, some happy news - Jezebel

No Charlize, no care - ICYDK

The Hammaconda, what? - SOW

Kelly Osbourne is talking about her body again - Just Jared

And the gang bang sequel to OctoMom's fap porn will be announced in 3..2.. - HuffPo

This is exactly what I look like when trying to get out of a chair while stoned into another dimension - OMG Blog

How is it possible that these pictures weren't taken at Coachella? - Moe Jackson  

I guess Star Magazine has never heard of Chris Brown or Donald Trump - IDLYITW

....and this is how the start of my soon-to-be favorite plushie porn begins - Videogum

Can Serena Williams please do a favor for mankind and use her ass to bop Kim Kardashian's ass off of this planet? - Crunk + Disorderly

Morocco is the reason why Lenardo DiCaprio is a can't commit kind of ho - I'm Not Obsessed

Seeing Ke$ha look decent makes me want to upon up a North Face store in Hell - Popsugar

Amanda Seyfried's Allure photo shoot looks like cover pictures from a YA romance series about love on a horse ranch - Popoholic

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel look like a couple of middle-aged, Volvo-driving suburbanites who only do it under the sheets with the lights on. In other words, they have never looked hotter - Lainey Gossip 

It's not that James Deen has a small peen, it's that Teen Mom Farrah's vagina is as big as a power bottom's gaping b-hole after a fisting party - The Superficial 

Let me fix that for you, LeAnn... "It's nice to have a husband who lies to your Falkor face all the time." There, much more truthiful! - Celebitchy

A gorgeous beauty with an A+++++ eyebrow situation like that should be able to use whatever bathroom she wants - Towleroad

The soft, yodeling bird girl from Nashville is naked - Drunken Stepfather

I am actually surprised that Beyonce's delicate skin didn't fall off from putting H&M stuff on her body - Hollywood Tuna 

This talking dog is a traitor (or he's going undercover to find out the true secrets of the pussy community) - Jezebel

Some celebrity pays their kids to eat and believe it or not that celebrity isn't GOOP! - ICYDK

Alison Brie impersonates the internet - The Berry 

Bradley Cooper is living with his mom - Just Jared

Sometimes magical things happen at Walmart - OMG Blog

But was Kimmy Gibbler the flower girl? - HuffPo

Another day, another sex tape from some reality show trick - Reality Tea 

The Friends reunion is happening in 2014 but probably not - Videogum

Translation: Kanye hates Kim (hey, that would be a great title for their reality show) - IDLYITW

Copy + paste peen into Leonardo DiCaprio's right hand - Popsugar

....and then Katie Couric brought out the hymen cam - SOW

This pussy smoked the wrong stuff - Hollywood Rag  

What these pictures are telling me is that Tom Sturridge and Sienna Miller went for a bike ride, got bored with that, dropped their bikes, left them there and then hailed a cab. Rich people!  - I'm Not Obsessed

Carey Mulligan looks more like Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot than Daisy Buchanan to me and that is a compliment! - ICYDK

How many high hos do you think asked Katy Perry if they could make out with the red lips on her crotch? - Lainey Gossip

Clint Eastwood and Francesca Eastwood should've switched Coachella outfits, because he would've looked hotter in those coochie cutters - The Superficial 

There's a huge typo on LeAnn Rimes' t-shirt. It should read: POW! BAM! WHORINESS! - Celebitchy

Tommy Girl is used to having slimy liquid drip down his face, so this is nothing for him - Towleroad

It was nice of the photo agency to Photoshop out the toxic warning signs on the beach - Hollywood Tuna 

Chrissy Teigen's evil lion eyebrow scares me - Drunken Stepfather

Alison Brie and her Brie balls in Esquire - Popoholic

Cheerleaders of the 1980s really knew how to bring the sequined glamour in heavy doses - Jezebel

Straight vs. Curly (and I wish this was a post about different types of pubes) - The Berry 

For a second there, I thought that droopy poop bag was the Hammaconda's condom - Just Jared

FYI: Lauryn Hill still isn't making sense - HuffPo

What Alexis Bellino really meant is that she returned to The Real Housewives of Orange County because she's broke and needed a check - Reality Tea  

And now here's some capybaras in a wooden tub - OMG Blog

I'd totally rim Superman's butt chin - Boy Culture

Vanessa Hudgens will do Playboy for a VIP pass to Coachella and three floral headbands - IDLYITW

Justin Timberlake cheated on Bud Light with Coors Light - Popsugar

Irina Shayk hoses up - Hollywood Rag

Can somebody tell Kim Kartrashian that there's a volcano on Mars that has the best anti-paparazzi laws ever - I'm Not Obsessed

Screw that school, this kid will show them all when he gets into Juilliard's body fart program - Videogum

Gucci Mane loves jail - Crunk + Disorderly

Justin Bieber is trying to take Suze Orman's place as the lesbian financial queen of our time - Lainey Gossip

In Teen Mom Farrah's defense, she's dumber than a factory-defected vibrator, so I doubt she came up with this porn plot on her own - The Superficial 

Thinking about Jay Leno nailing Andy Cohen's ass puts FLAMES FLAAAAMES FLAMES on the side of my face - Towleroad

Crispy Ronaldo's full-time suntan oil holder poses with some man abs - Drunken Stepfather

The first picture is like Scientology's answer to Stonehenge - The Berry 

Kevin Bacon hates his own show and not because all of the serial killers are model hot and all of the FBI agents are really, really dumb - Celebitchy

Heather Locklear needs to donate a few strands of eyebrow hairs to her daughter - Hollywood Tuna 

This dress would've been a zillion times hotter on Elvira - Popoholic

Instead of being mad at themselves for not trying to help their daughter, Amanda Bynes' parents are mad at Kim Kartrashian - ICYDK

GINGER TODDLER ALERT! - Just Jared

Kendall Jenner's dream in life is to be a Victoria's Secret Angel - IDLYITW

I'd hit it until my parts fell off and even then I'd glue my parts back on and hit it again - (NSFW) OMG Blog

"I am so jelly, you get to have so much fun now!" - Goopy Paltrow to a brown-haired Reese Witherspoon - Popsugar

The name Brittany Cole makes my brain queef up question marks, but one thing I do know is that she is a style goddess - Moe Jackson 

This GIF gave me the puckers - Crunk + Disorderly

Don't scroll while looking at this picture of Rosie Huntington-Whateverly's nipples or they'll cut your screen - Celebslam

The pile of dried up mashed cauliflower that is Whitney Port is already way too Coachella-ish for me - I'm Not Obsessed

Simon Cowell's make-up artist forgot to paint his tits - SOW

Quiz time! Beyonce's back-up dancers or North Korean female soldiers? - Drunken Stepfather

It's kind of weird seeing Lena Dunham with a top  - Lainey Gossip 

Matt Damon is giving us some "if Mr. Clean went to prison" shit - Towleroad

Teen Mom Farrah is trying to extend her 15 seconds of fame the Heidi Montag way - Hollywood Tuna 

You won't be seeing ASkars in a loincloth anytime soon - Hollywood Tuna 

Somebody saying "Lindsay Lohan was late!" is like somebody saying "Michael K is a dumb bitch!" It happens often and it's usually true  - The Superficial 

Point Break is getting a remake, because modern day Hollywood needs to constantly let us know that they hate us - ICYDK

Okay, but ANNE HATHAWAY?!!? - Jezebel

That morning Katy Perry thought to herself, "I really want to look like a giant booger today!" - Popoholic

January Jones looks different... - Just Jared

FYI: RiRi is still making wonderful life decisions - IDLYITW

What Brandi Glanville looks like right before the plastic surgeon lays down a thick layer of melted Tupperware bowls and wax on her face - HuffPo

Proof that glitter shoots out of Mimi's pores - Boy Culture  

Something something Richard Gere joke something something - Videogum

Justin Bieber needs to stop with the selfies already - The Berry 

Kristen Stewart collects pens and that might be the most interesting thing about Kristen Stewart - I'm Not Obsessed

I can't wait until OctoMom recreates this look for InTouch - Popsugar

The musty glamour of this video has got me wanting to take an ice cold shower with the air conditioning all the way on - Crunk + Disorderly

Jeremiah Brent, formerly known as Rachel "Chupa" Zoe's assistant, and Nate Berkus, currently known as a member of Oprah's mafia, are engaged to be married. In related news, I want to get gay engaged to that Double-Double - Towleroad

Macaulay Culkin looks like a fourth-rate Kurt Cobain impersonator, but I'd still choose his ass for Ashton Kutcher's - Lainey Gossip

The Howe Twins have matching weaves and matching tits, but it's a shame that they don't have matching Sharpie eyebrows too - Hollywood Tuna 

All the Photoshop was used on these Christina Milian bikini pictures - Drunken Stepfather

Victoria's Secret clipped Miranda Kerr's angel wings - Celebitchy

Teen Mom Farrah lives in her own world where she thinks her staged porn is worth more than two pesos and an expired Arby's coupon - The Superficial  

I'm still waiting for a Sloth Bowl, personally - Jezebel

Disappointment IS me realizing that these aren't pictures of La Pequena - ICYDK

It's nice to know that Taylor Momsen is still smearing charcoal ash all over her eyes - Just Jared

"How is that silver ball floating like magic like that?!" - my dumb ass after looking at the red fan necklace on the dude next to Sofia Vergara - Popoholic

Brandi Glanville SANS FARDS - HuffPo

Is the dick really THAT good? - Crunk + Disorderly 

More like, "In beautiful doggy news..." - Celebslam

That kitty isn't sleeping, it's just doing what I do after I read Amanda Bynes' latest tweet - OMG Blog 

It's got a face - The Berry 

You know what's really a sign from God? Patti Burke's bangs - Videogum

I'm getting "Anne Hathaway in 20 years" vibes from Calista Flockhart - Popsugar

Fuggatry galore - Moe Jackson 

Long before Lindsay Lohan was cutting her coke with Jell-O powder - SOW

This picture was taken one second after Goopy Paltrow's assistant told her that they put regular honey instead of manuka honey in her dressing room - I'm Not Obsessed 

The President of Malawi snatched away Madge's VIP card after she showed up unannounced and made the poors dance for her. The only thing I have to say is: HAHAHAHAHA  - HuffPo

Halle Berry has a type when it comes to men (hot and insane) and she also has a type when it comes to dresses - Lainey Gossip

Panty Creamer of the Day: Brendon Ayanbadejo - Towleroad

Here's David Cassidy's daughter with no pants on - Hollywood Tuna 

Here's Ashley Jizzdale with no pants on and no top on - Drunken Stepfather

Here's Hugh JackMeOff with pants on and a top on, unfortunately, but he's got wolverines with him! - Jezebel

Next time Amanda Bynes want to smoke on some good shit out in the open, she should wear a red wig so we know it's her evil twin - The Superficial 

So what lie is falling out of Kim Kardashian's lie hole today? - ICYDK

This would've been the look if Chris Hemsworth wore that vest and nothing else - Popoholic

"Babehs, how are they made?" - Halle Berry - Celebitchy

Oh, how I wish that a drunk Lindsay Lohan and a pilled-up Amanda Bynes were driving that golf cart together... - The Berry 

B. Coop and his child beard are in Paris now - Just Jared

Teen Mom Farrah's mother thinks she's way too pristine and chaste to do porn - Reality Tea 

The vase wore it better, every time - OMG Blog 

Like Jaden Smith even knows who Shakespeare is - Videogum

Speaking of Shakespeare, didn't he say that true love always blooms in the aisles of Walmart? - The Frisky 

Katherine Heigl's powers of annoyance know no bounds, because I even roll my eyes when looking at a picture of her laughing - Popsugar

Rainbow Aurora is like, "Wake me when my name isn't Rainbow Aurora anymore" - I'm Not Obsessed

Some smart-brained genius bought toy poodles for $150 at a bazaar in Argentina and they turned out to be ferrets on roids. So if your toy poodle always looks ragey and can bench press twice its weight, it's probably a ferret on roids - Buzzfeed

The paparazzi hung upside down from a helicopter to get pictures of Goopy Paltrow's backyard party and they didn't get one shot of her beloved outdoor wood-burning pizza oven. For shame! - Lainey Gossip

Things I didn't need to know: When Vladimir Putin gets a hard on for activist nipples, he makes a Zoolander face - Jezebel

Mark this day in history as the first time that Kate Moss' nipples didn't make an appearance in a photo shoot - Drunken Stepfather

Also mark this day in history as the first time that a purse was stolen in Hollywood and Lindsay Lohan wasn't somehow involved - The Superficial 

"You're stealing my heart right now...." is pretty much what people said to Ryan Gosling when he fake robbed a bank - The Berry 

What you look like when you're in the center of a Blue Man Group circle jerk - Towleroad

Even Kim Kardashian's scale tells lies - Celebitchy

Kaley Cuoco or a blond Katy Perry? - Hollywood Tuna 

Tater Head's hair looks like over-fried hash browns - ICYDK

Jessica Alba's bikini top looks like a tuxedo bow tie - Popoholic

Bravo should stop postponing the inevitable and replace all of The Real Housewives of Miami with La Bruja and her maid - Reality Tea 

All of us should put our coins together and get Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry a bottle of detangling shampoo as an engagement gift - Just Jared

My heart just melted and leaked out of my butt and it's all Lentil's fault - OMG Blog

Why, hello there, Hammaconda - SOW

Megan Fox's red hair is not very April O'Neil-ish - Popsugar

They should've titled this important story: "Various celebrities and Ashley Greene at the airport" - Videogum

And in the NASCAR parking lot, a drunk 65-year-old grandpa is wearing the exact same outfit as RiRi - IDLYITW

Martha Stewart faps to Ryan Gosling too - I'm Not Obsessed

What in the slutty first communion outfit hell is Mischa Barton wearing? - Hollywood Rag