Afternoon Crumbs

What in Joan Jett Kabuki Hell did Paper Magazine do to Vanessa Hudgens? - Drunken Stepfather

Is that a compact in ASkars' pocket or does he have one of those extra long flat head peens? - Lainey Gossip 

Olivia Munn's goth chola lipstick is not a good look for her face - Hollywood Tuna 

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is working The Rachel - Celebitchy

Well, I once got dumped the day before Valentine's Day, so these gifts ain't got shit on me - Towleroad

I think what GOOPY Paltrow meant by this is just she just really wants to eat actual carbs and fuck all day - The Superficial 

You'll get credit for your film studies class if you fap to this supercut of peens in cinema - OMG Blog

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Therouxup should make the earth's core melt by having a double wedding with Brangelina - ICYDK

The chicks from Spring Breakers all looked like early 90s South American beauty queens at the premiere in Paris - Popoholic

Sorry, Katherine Webb, Louie Anderson is the real bathing beauty of Splash, but nice try - IDLYITW

AC Slater is going to be a dad again and he better name this one Preppie - Just Jared

Not pictured: a Mama June fart and one of Jessica Simpson's saliva bubbles - The Berry 

Michelle Obama's got a red Corvette on her forehead - Jezebel

The V for Vendetta beauty on the left is giving me the faints - Crunk + Disorderly

ScarJo might having a hitchin' ring on her finger - Popsugar

I'm not sure how I feel about Fuggie Fug's unibrow glasses - Cityrag

FYI: Jason Biggs rage faps to UsWeekly while sitting on the toilet - SOW

FYI: The paps still take Katherine Heeeeeeeeiiiiigl's picture - Hollywood Rag

This should be AC Milan's new uniform - Moe Jackson 

Bethenny Frankelstein has a bodyguard for some reason - I'm Not Obsessed

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT ALERT! Nicki Minaj is stealing CoCo's moves - Drunken Stepfather

One note to InTouch Weekly's publisher: You in danger, girl - Lainey Gossip

This list of 90s girl groups is incomplete without Atomic Kitten and Jade - The Berry 

Ashton Kutcher took Charlie Sheen's job and now he's trying to take his title as Hollywood's premiere Captain Save-A-Ho - The Superficial 

Maria Menounos is finally getting some - Hollywood Tuna 

Kristen Stewart feels closer to RPattz when she's got his skid marks rubbing against her ass - Celebitchy

FYI: Azealia Banks tries to school us on the real definition of "faggot." She really is the Webster's of female rappers - Towleroad

Chloe Sevigny's collection for Opening Ceremony is really Welcome to the Dollhouse meets Clarissa Explains It All - OMG Blog

Crazy Amanda Bynes is still crazy - ICYDK

Great, so now in a year's time, we'll all find out that Beyonce is the #1 boys in the world - IDLYITW

The 90s do not look good on Miley Cyrus but she still insists on going there again... - Popoholic

and again... - I'm Not Obsessed

David O'Russell just can't get enough of B. Coop and Jennifer Lawrence - Just Jared

Vivienne Jolie-Pitt has only been in one movie and she's already dressing like she runs the town. Typical! - Popsugar

Sara Rue popped out a baby friend - SOW

Of course this meme is happening - Cityrag

Are we sure Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Kevin Connolly weren't just reciting lines from a scene from Entourage? - Videogum

PROGRAMMING NOTE: My ass has to go to the doctor's today and you know how the lines at the free clinic are, so this might be it for me. I might post later, but if not, see you tomorrow (that's if they don't quarantine me).

Kate Upton is Sports Illustrated: Swim Edition's cover girl for the second year in a row. That cover is awkward as shit, but Kate Upton probably froze her ass lips off and suffered from frost bite of the nipples while making it so she deserves it. Oh, and chichiiiiiiiiiiiiiis - ONTD

Jennifer Lawrence is giving us the new money Carmen Sandiego - Lainey Gossip 

Dubya is a regular Bob Ross - Towleroad

What Hermione Granger really meant to say is, "Let a young ho, be a young ho" - Celebitchy

If the ground feels kind of cold today, that's because hell froze over after Kelly Brook wore outside - Hollywood Tuna 

My guess is that the Justice League script was put in the shredder because there wasn't an airborne 69 scene between Superman and Batman - The Superficial 

David Beckham's rumored side piece is in a bikini - Drunken Stepfather

I want to serve scones and tea on #28's extra large nipple plate - The Berry 

John Mayer tells us something we already knew - ICYDK

The Spring Breakers posters look like fliers for a Florida beach rave in the late 80s - Popoholic

Bruce Willis knows that the title of his movie sounds more like the title for a Dr. Kevorkian biopic - IDLYITW

Things that make sense: James Franco is the Mayor of Gay Town - OMG Blog

Things that don't make sense: Brett Ratner is producing a Farmville TV show - Videogum

Gisele Bundchen's daughter, who will probably be a VS Angel class of 2033, makes her Facebook debut - Just Jared

Nicole Richie is dressed like the villainous cosmetics magnate from a 1990s comedy movie starring Christine Applegate - Popsugar

In the last surprising news of the day, Rex Reed called Melissa McCarthy a hippo in a movie review - Gawker

Is Martha Stewart giving Blake NotSoLively styling tips too? - Moe Jackson

Natalie Portman SANS FARDS - Cityrag

You can tell that Al Roker was feeling it something passionate, because I'm pretty sure he sharted at the end - SOW

Lou Ferrigno is no Pastor Bell - The Frisky 

I almost didn't recognize Aubrey O'Day with her nipples covered - I'm Not Obsessed

The not-knowing-bitch who took the ginge out of Anne of Green Gables and made her look like Jessica Simpson's stand-in for the Dukes of Hazzard movie should be arrested, tried and found guilty of committing literary fuckery - Buzzfeed

Anne Hathaway's dress makes it looks like her nipples are heavily breathing in and out - Lainey Gossip 

I hate myself for mistaking Minka Kelly for Mariska Hargitay - Hollywood Tuna 

Eva Mendes is pretty much Ryan Gosling's "muse" now - Celebitchy

John Noble is the new Star Wars villain and I'm okay with this as long as Prince Valium is in the movie too. Wait, I'm thinking of the right space movie, right? - The Superficial 

Elizabeth Banks does the bike ride of shame or she has to caca really bad - Drunken Stepfather

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice tells Olympic athletes to tone down their gayness when in Russia and I'm sitting here wondering how in the hell does the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice tone down HIS gayness? - Towleroad

Ashley Greene looks like an extra in the Molodvian wedding scene from Dynasty - Popoholic

If Justin Timberlake's album doesn't work out, he can always sell the cover to optometrist offices - ICYDK

#35 is the panty pudding-inducer of all the panty pudding-inducers on this list - The Berry 

People are still paying Kristen Stewart to "act" - Just Jared

Did somebody say "MARIJUANA E-CIGS"?! - Cityrag

Meredith Vieria really loves pigeons (the bird, not the female scrub) - SOW

Bjork writes like a serial killing 1st grader and I'd expect nothing less - OMG Blog

When I turn on the news tonight, I fully expect to see shots of Khloe Kardashian ripping out the bones of Armenians with her teeth to get to their marrow - IDLYITW

Either Jessica Simpson is like 5 weeks pregnant or she's not going to get to the size of three Mama Junes like last time - Popsugar

Colin Farrell looks like he's wearing a bike helmet made of hair - I'm Not Obsessed

But do you get the 300 cats when you rent Grey Gardens? - Jezebel

I'll take THAT'S ENOUGH for 200, Alex - Videogum

More people wanted to see Madge's muscled up crotch than Beyonce's muscled up crotch - Moe Jackson

The Orange County version of Dan is doing it with the Upper East Side version of Summer. I guess Adam Brody and Leighton Meester want to keep it in The CW family - Lainey Gossip 

Natalie Portman drives a huge ass Mercedes hybrid, but shouldn't she be driving a bike made out of recycled wood and flowers? - Hollywood Tuna 

Like Kim Kardashian suffers from stress. It was just her baby trying to claw out of her stomach and run for dear life - Celebitchy

Chris Pratt is playing Star-Lord in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and I'm not completely fluent in nerd, but I'm pretty sure that's a big deal (?) - The Superficial 

Why aren't David Beckham's panties white? H&M missed a fapportunity - Towleroad

VS. Magazine took a picture of Kate Bosworth at the exact moment she realized she's not sexing on ASkars anymore - Drunken Stepfather 

Charlize Theron is sort of fighting the hot with that fauxhawk, but her hotness is still winning - Popoholic

Russell Brand doesn't know if John Mayer is a bigger slut whore than him - ICYDK

Brandi Glanville continues to be a shameless fame whore by leaking a private picture of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian's first time together - The Berry 

BREAKING NEWS: Pimp Mama Kris is crazy - IDLYITW

Fergie is looking a little preggolicious - I'm Not Obsessed 

I knew you were trouble when you walked into the library - Videogum

Nothing will hug your heart like a video of Babe in a wheelchair - OMG Blog

Why is  Ginnifer Goodwin dressed like school boy from Whoville? - Just Jared

Mann Coulter is flirting with Obama again - Jezebel

Norwood Young's hair is laid like a bouquet of dandelions on my grave - Crunk + Disorderly

KISS! KISS! KISS HIS FEET! KISS ANYTHING! - Popsugar

Bitch lost that bet on purpose - Celebslam

Simon Lebon looks like he's about to tie you to the train tracks and cackle as you meet your demise, but I still would - Cityrag

Richard Simmons got himself a beard - SOW

Stupid ass RiRi's stupid ass relationship with stupid ass Chris Brown is nobody's business, which is why she's talking about it to Rolling Stone. Here's a stupid ass taste of her stupid ass comments: "“He doesn’t have the luxury of fucking up again." - ICYDK

Katie Holmes is going to go to get her law degree and sue Scientology for millions of Thetans for stealing her soul - Lainey Gossip

Tamara Ecclestone bought everybody in the club a bottle of Cristal and I'm guessing that now there's a bunch of bottles of Cristal on eBay.co.uk - Hollywood Tuna 

I already hated Dr. Phil, but now I really hate Dr. Phil for not asking Ronaiah Tuiasosopo to do his lady voice - Towleroad

Laura Ingalls Wilder will soon be Laura Ingalls Wilder Weston - Celebitchy

Alec Baldwin and his wife will soon be parents to an adorable, rude, thoughtless little piglet - The Superficial 

Kanye West is not impressed by Dita Von Teese's pasties, because diamonds have been falling out of his nipple slits for years - Drunken Stepfather

I'll wait here while you Photoshop your picture over that picture of Tony Danza - The Berry 

Teresa Palmer's dress looks like it's made of dead spiders - Popoholic

I wasn't aware that Megan Fox ever started acting to begin with - IDLYITW

Lucy Liu gets cream pied on Jimmy Fallon - Just Jared

Hero of the Day: The Queen of Lincoln Road - OMG Blog

There is a God and he's showing himself by kicking Willow Smith out of the remake of Annie - Jezebel

Miley Cyrus does the Downward LOOKATME on the beach - Popsugar

For about two seconds, I really thought this was Queen Latifah's girlfriend from Set It Off - Crunk + Disorderly

How long before England declares war on us again for exposing them to Twit & Twat - Moe Jackson

That's a funny looking Frapp with extra whip - Celebslam

Why is Miley Cyrus wearing the placemat my abuelita bought in Rosarito Beach as a top? - Cityrag

Now that Neil Patrick Harris is almost done with How I Met Your Mother, he can focus all of his energy on a Doogie Howser reboot - SOW

Wonky McValtrex's piece looks about 12 years old and she probably has herp sores that are older than him - I'm Not Obsessed

The top of Adrienne Bailon's dress looks like two dirty lace maxi-pads. Elegant Look of the Day! - Hollywood Tuna 

Nothing gets between Daniel Craig and cardio, even snow - Lainey Gossip

Now some people in Australia know what KFed's piece goes through when he cums - Towleroad

Penelope Cruz's sister pulled a Murphy Brown - Celebitchy

I thought about it for a while, but yes, I'd still hit Paul Giamatti as The Rhino - The Superficial 

Olivia Wilde's Dita Von Teese impersonation reminds me of that I Love Lucy episode where she played a spotlight whoring showgirl. Cool story, bro, I know - Drunken Stepfather

Topanga and Cory's daughter has been found - ICYDK

Selena Gomez is really good at pumping gas - Popoholic

I really can't wait until Taylor Swift writes a song about Diet Coke after it fucks a groupie and dumps her - Just Jared

This makes me miss Lucky Vanous - Jezebel

Elvira and Marilyn Manson's drag queen love child has a new video - OMG Blog 

Pinch your taint, because your dream of seeing an old picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger munch on cooch is finally about to hit your eyes - IDLYTW

If Adele was Mrs. Doubtfire.... Yes, this might be the post that finally gets me to admit that I've had too much Internet - The Berry 

Amy Poehler is writing a picture book - The Frisky 

The most boring threesome ever. That bear agrees. - Popsugar

Russell Brand is the Norma Rae of the yoga world - Videogum

Rick Ross isn't paranoid at all - Moe Jackson 

I'm pretty sure Kim Kardashian is having twins and she's carrying one in each thigh - Moe Jackson

How many times do you think Jude Law has fapped into that giant Prince Charles Pez dispenser? - Cityrag

The Velvet Painting Awards: Prince on Billboard - Hollywood Rag 

Elton John served up some Grandpa Howdy Doody realness in a picture with his new baby. And as the photographer took this picture, Elton John made a poopy in his Pampers at the exact same time his new baby made a poopy in his Pampers. That is what I call bonding. - Towleroad

Marion Cotillard and Guillaume Canet's public displays of affection at The Grove look like it was directed by Fellini. All fancy and shit - Lainey Gossip 

Jen from Dark Crystal is looking hot - Celebitchy

"Where oh where did I put Granny Spears' good crocheted lace table runner?" asked Daddy Spears - The Superficial 

Vintage words of wisdumb from Wonky McValtrex and Nicole Richie - The Berry 

The chipmunk Slytherin goes bra-less on Cosmo - Drunken Stepfather

The raccoon Kewpie doll goes goes topless in Jalouse - Hollywood Tuna 

Michelle "Not The Marilyn Monroe One" Williams tries to act like she's too busy to perform at the Super Bowl - Jezebel

What a terrible insult to all drag queens - ICYDK

Natalie Portman's dress looks like a deflated Sno-Ball and now I miss Hostess again - Popoholic

Even January Jones' hair can't stand her - IDLYITW

Sean Stewart knows that Adrienne Maloof only deserves the finer things in life - I'm Not Obsessed

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is wearing a hat made from a real panda head. She's showing Suri up again! - Just Jared

Anderson Cooper getting a blow job. That is all. - Buzzfeed

And today's special is freshly waxed Olympic swimmer ass - OMG Blog

The sight of a memaw drop kicking another memaw is definitely what I needed today - Crunk + Disorderly

Harpo, who dis woman? - Cityrag

Marky Mark's huge arms sort of look like two pairs of butt cheeks - Hollywood Rag

I'm pretty sure they used an old Judy Tenuta wax figure to make Katy Perry's wax figure - Celebslam

Goldie Hawn taking a picture of Kurt Russell in front of Kate Hudson's Ann Taylor ad is kind of cute... - Popsugar

Hilary Duff got some trout lips to go with her chipmunk cheeks. I think that's enough for the government to declare her face a wildlife sanctuary - Celebitchy

JLo brings her blow-up doll sexy face and Baby Casper to the Parker premiere - Lainey Gossip

My weekend plans involve printing out all these pictures, spreading them all over floor and then rolling around naked in them for a few hours. I welcome the paper cuts - The Berry 

Future headline: Bryan Singer replaces January Jones with an ice cube in a blonde wig - The Superficial 

Ashley Greene wears leggings while checking her Google Alert for "Ashley Greene wears leggings" - Hollywood Tuna 

No. I repeat, No. - Drunken Stepfather 

The 2013 Coachella lineup needs more Charo, Pia Zadora, La Toya Jackson, Majela Zeze Diamond and La Tigresa Del Oriente - Towleroad

That BluePrint juice bottle tells me that Emmy Rossum must be smiling to get through the pain of holding in the non-stop wet shits - Popoholic

Nicole Sullivan thinks MiserAlba lied about how easily the pregnancy weight just slipped off of her body - ICYDK

Today's iCant moment brought to you by Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs - IDLYITW

Pussies are just like us, they're scared of Nicki Minaj's face - OMG Blog

Jennifer Lawrence and a gutter ass wig in W Magazine - Hollywood Rag 

RiRi keeping it demure and refined as always - Just Jared

TGIF! Here's Orlando Bloom's nipple plates - Popsugar

Sharon Stone is looking hot! (I really thought this was Sharon Stone) - Boy Culture

Irony overdose alert! Cracked out Courtney Love says that Gwen Stefani owes her entire career to Gavin Rossdale - Jezebel

Well, Honey Boo Boo Chile IS the Shirley Temple of this generation - Gawker

Sofia Vergara and her coke-loving, orgy-having twat sack of a fiancé might break up soon - I'm Not Obsessed

It's good to know that Leelee Sobieski wore a skirt with the same print as the lining paper my abuelita used to line her dresser drawers - SOW

FINALLY! The APP and Size Queen Gods have heard our prayers - Manhunt Daily  

J.J. Abrams is directing the next Star Wars movie. In other words, JJ ABRAMS IS DIRECTING ALL THE NERD MOVIES FROM NOW ON! - Coming Soon

Adele's chola nameplate necklace gave away her baby's name - Lainey Gossip

Meanwhile, Oscars producers have hired a SWAT team, officers with taser guns and grandmas with garden hoses, because if Anne Hathaway doesn't win, she's going to storm the stage something crazy - Celebitchy

What a waste of delicious guacamole - The Superficial 

"How many French footballer dicks does a trick have to suck to get her own couture collection?!" Zahia Dehar - Hollywood Tuna 

Even if Justin Timberlake got undressed in this lyric video, it wouldn't make the song sound any better to my ears - Drunken Stepfather

I've got my grass tuxedo and lei cock ring ready just in case Hawaii legalizes same-sex marriage (wink wink, Anderson) - Towleroad

Panty Creamer of the Day: Rodrigo Calazans - The Berry 

The DanRad gay hipster sex scene you've been waiting for is finally coming - IDLYITW

Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied are twirling and leaping their way to Paris. And yes, a double will do Natalie's twirling and leaping for her - ICYDK

Why wouldn't I be surprised if Ashley Jizzdale was the biggest "star" at that Movie 43 premiere - Popoholic

Steve Carell got hot - Buzzfeed

Claire Danes puts on a ohsoseriousface to defend her cryface - Videogum

Never mind the fact that Chris Hemsworth has hair like a lunch lady, THOSE ARMS - Popsugar

When a picture tells the joke so you don't have to - Crunk + Disorderly

What Angelina Jolie is going to wear to her wedding - Jezebel

Another Buble baby is coming - I'm Not Obsessed

What in the Faces of Meth hell? - Just Jared

Chris Kattan shows us that any time is the right time to work on your gag reflex - SOW

Nip covers are SO NOW! Just ask Nicole ScherMINGEr - Celebslam

Kat Von D's taste in shoes are about as shitty as her taste in dudes - Moe Jackson