Amber Heard

The Rolling Stones performed a secret show at the 650-capacity Echoplex in the Echo Park neighborhood of L.A. last night and it brought out Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Bruce Willis, James Woods, Gwen Stefani, Ke$hit and the Olsen Trolls. Everybody is talking about how Amber and Johnny held hands at the show, but that's what hos do when they're doing each other full-time. They hold hands in public places. Well, unless you're doing me full-time and then you only agree to meet me at night, in a Denny's far from your apartment where nobody knows you and the waitress won't give a shit that you're sharing french fries and chocolate pie with me. But yeah, Amber and Johnny eat each other's butts all the time, so it's not surprising that they're holding hands.

But what everybody should be talking about is how the Olsen Trolls showed up looking like twin be-weaved Gollums on heroin. When you make Ke$hit look like a crystal clear dew drop sitting on top of the petal of a freshly bloomed wild flower on the peak of a mountain top that has never been visited by man, maybe it's time to take a shower or at least let a bitch hose you down on the driveway.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started getting naked together either right before or right after his relationship with Vanessa Paradis ended, and there are rumors that shit is getting so serious that they are about to move in together. But Radar says that while Johnny is ready to get monogamous with Amber, she's not really feeling it. Even though current day Johnny Depp looks like a beautiful butch lesbian, he doesn't have a 'gina and that's what Amber really wants.

A source tells Radar that Johnny wants to be with Amber all the time, but she keeps telling him that she only wants his dick part-time and she just can't have a full-on relationship with a dude. The source says Amber is breaking Johnny's greasy lil' heart:

“Johnny and Amber have been having a lot of fun spending time with one another, but Amber keeps telling him she’s not interested in being with him in a monogamous relationship. She says she feels she's too young for him, but the main factor is Amber prefers dating women over men and has no interest in committing to a guy -- even if he is Johnny Depp! Amber is a free spirit when it comes to love, and refuses to label herself as gay, or even bi-sexual, but it's a fact that she is more attracted to women than men and the most meaningful relationships she has had to date have been with same sex partners."

What a cruel, Depp-eating she-devil that Amber Heard is. Johnny is already humiliating himself by dressing like an old west english teacher who works in the mornings as a newsboy, and she's humiliating him even more by toying with his innocent heart! Did I ever tell you that you're my hero, Amber Heard?

This piece of gossip comes from the chronicle of journalistic integrity that is the British tabloid Now Magazine (via DM), so it's obviously made of one hundred percent truthfulness and you should submit it to the CNN tip line after you're done here. No joke, it was probably on CNN this morning. So, you know how the tabloids painted Vanessa Paradis as a crusty, nagging, fun-hating witch who drove Johnny Depp into Amber Heard's twat  of solace by whining at him about everything? Well, a source tells Now that Vanessa has stopped screaming at Johnny and is cursing Amber Heard's name instead. I feel a cover of "The Boy Is Mine" called "The Hobo Is Mine" by Vanessa & Amber coming on. The source puts it like this:

"Vanessa's devastated that Johnny's dumped her. She blames Amber and calls her a man-stealing, two-bit nobody and has vowed to not let her anywhere near their children."

A two-bit nobody? Since when does Vanessa talk like a character from Mama's Family? Vanessa should've went all the way by calling her a two-bit nobody tramp harlot from around the way.

Since I only look at the superficial layer of any situation, I see shit like this. Vanessa had Johnny at the height of his freshness and supreme hotness, and Amber Heard, if she's doing him, has him when he's looking like the way he's looking now. It's kind of like if I ate a freshly made Double Double from In-N-Out twenty minutes ago and started foaming at the mouth with jealous rage when somebody sat next to me and started nibbling on a half-eaten, stale, moldy, Double Double they found in the dumpster. Okay, it's nothing like that, because I'd still make jealous eyes at a trick eating a rotten Double Double and I'd still hit current day Johnny Depp. Scratch everything I said and just look at these pictures from the Paris Cinema Festival of Vanessa looking like the Evil Spirit from the Care Bears movie.

For the past couple of months, there's been rumors that Johnny Depp has been Edward Scissoring Amber Heard ever since VaJohnny broke up and there's been more rumors that the two started getting horny for each other while shooting The Rum Diary two years ago. I didn't really pay too much attention to those rumors, because why would hot piece Amber Heard ride on current day Johnny Depp when she can ride on her hot piece of a girlfriend instead? But now a source tells InTouch Weekly (via DM) that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree stopped bumping coochies a few months ago and they're still friends.

The source tells InTouch that Amber and Tasya broke up around the same time she started rubbing nipples with Johnny. Who knows if it was a clean break up or if Amber and Johnny pulled an "Eddie & LeAnn" by leaving their pieces for each other. I don't know, but I do know that Amber has a serious hat fetish. Hat-fucker!

And no, no, Johnny's dick doesn't have magical lezzie-rebuking powers. Amber has been open about loving herself some poon AND poon. Although, Johnny's been looking like a middle-aged gypsy lesbian from New Mexico for a while, so maybe Amber thinks he's a woman who always wears a really fancy, lifelike strap-on.

But more importantly, what is Amber and Johnny's couple name. This is obviously the only thing any of us care about? What about BerJohnny? Or Hearpp? Yeah, let's go with Hearpp. Hearpp has a certain special ring to it.

At the Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. last night, the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Helen Mirren, Berenice Bejo, Christine Lahti, Clare from 90210, Laura Dern, Missi Pyle, Shailene Woodley, Fred Savage, Hunter "What Happened To Your Face?" Tylo, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman all exploded into fine dust when they were photo bombed by an array of glamorously gorgeous scene stealers. For some reason, the organizers of that shit made the right decision by placing the red carpet in front of the cocktail area and the background became the main attraction. Those photo bombers lit that shit up without even trying.

How can Jennifer Aniston and Helen Mirren possibly compete with a "Nice try, but you ain't wearing a skunk tail boa!" side-eye and a Cheri O'Teri-like "Ewwww bitch, go home!" fart face. Aniston is the oatmeal to the photo bombers' cinnamon raisin. We're all pushing around the oatmeal to get to the real stars.

With all that being said, where the hell was Phoebe Price during all of this? The red carpet at an award show cannot be rolled out until the ginger wonder rolls in for seat filler orientation. Chicken Cutlets would've been the dollop of whipped cream by photo bombing the photo bombers.

It's not often that Johnny Derp shows up to the premiere of a movie that wasn't farted out from the mind of Tim Burton, so he celebrated this rare and special occasion by wearing the same suit he always wears to every event and then he brushed his middle part mop with one of those fish bone combs from Heathcliff like he always does! The world is changing, but one thing that will never change is that somewhere at any point in time is Johnny Depp looking like a beach hobo who dressed up in a Boardwalk Empire costume to play the nutshell game with tourists in Atlantic City for gin money. Or like my Salvadoran uncle leaving a Chess King circa 1987.

Here's more of Johnny, Aaron Eckhart and Blake Johanasson (born name: Amber Heard) at the L.A. premiere of The Rum Diary last night. Since my brain hasn't evolved past the age of 11, I like to call it The Rum Diarrhea (that should be a drink!).