Benedict Cumberbatch

In Star Trek: Into Darkness, there's a scene where Alice Eve is in her bra and chonies for basically no reason (correction: she's in her bra and chonies to give the fanboys and fanlezzies something to fap to) and J.J. Abrams got a little hate for it. So on Conan tonight, J.J. explained himself a bit and then he showed a deleted scene of Benadryl Cumsinbatches in the shower.

Thousands of Cumberbitches are going to call in sick, because it's kind of hard to go to work when your ovary eggs keep exploding out of your vagine. I know, he's supposed to look all evil in that shower, but to me, he looks like he's either concentrating really hard while sexing himself or he's drunk and trying to pee. We've all been there.

No, this isn't Lucius Malfoy's emotionally damaged drifter younger brother who has repeatedly been arrested for jacking off into coin slots of pay phones and who's been kicked out of Macy's for oinking at women as they change in the dressing room. This is Benedict Cumberbatch as Wikileaks founder and alleged rapist Julian Assange in the movie The Fifth Estate, which also stars Daniel Brühl (below), Laura Linney and Anthony Mackie.

The things that Slytherin bob are doing to his face. Looking at that picture is making me want to file a police report and scrub my skin with a Chore Boy. And that's exactly how I feel when I look at a picture of Julian Assange, so Bennigans Cumcatcher totally nailed it!

And no, I would not hit it. I can't even fap to it and that's saying EVERYTHING.

Liv Tyler left the Arclight movie theater in L.A. last night with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch aka Sherlock from the BBC Sherlock aka the long-suffering rich bitch who regularly speaks out about the plight of the wealthy aka the star of Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch.

Liv Tyler was in Lord of the Rings and Benedict does the voice for Smaug the Dragon in The Hobbit, so if they are bumping nipples, this shit is like some bizarre Tolkien fanfic porn. They could be just friends, but if they aren't, I could see why Liv would want to wrap her legs around Benedict Cumsinbatches' neck.

To me, Benedict sort of looks like a komodo dragon who disguised itself as a prairie dog and acts like a prairie dog to trick real prairie dogs into trusting it. Benedict even does the same facial expression prairie dogs do when they sense that danger is coming. So when/if Benedict goes down on Liv and he lifts his head up to see if she's into it, he probably looks like an adorable prairie dog looking to see if the coast is clear. A prairie dog sticking its head out of a hole is my favorite thing to see at the zoo! And Liv gets to see that every time Benedict eats her out. I bet she even throws dead grasshoppers at him when he does a good job. Lucky bitch.