Bobby Brown

I hope he likes the taste of jail wine, because  Bobby Brown's going to be guzzling on fermented tomatoes, sugar and yeast out of a paper bag for over a month. TMZ says that Nippy's former full-time doody bubble popper was sentenced to 55 days in the clink in Van Nuys, CA today for driving a car while drunk on booze. That shiver that just ran up your body was from Cissy Houston cracking a smile for the first time in 300 years!

Bobby was pulled over in L.A. last October and he was put into cuffs after police said his car smelled like White Oprah's end-of-the-night breath. Since Bobby is such a good decision maker, he was driving on a suspended license so he got another slap for that. This was Bobby's third DUI. In court today, Bobby also got 4 years probation and he has to go to at least 3 AA meetings before he checks into the clink on March 20th.

This is Bobby B's third DUI and his ass only got 55 days? Since it's the State of California, Bobby might check in, fart in his cell and then check out 55 seconds later due to overcrowding. But then again,  bitch might be forced to serve the whole 55 days since he's not a white (or orange-ish) ho with the last name Lohan.

Bobby Brown was arrested on March 26, 2012 for being a drunk driving mess, and so he celebrated the 7 month anniversary of his last DUI a little early by getting another DUI this morning. HAPPY SEMI-ANNUAL DUI, Bobby B!

TMZ says that around 1 this morning in L.A., police noticed that Bobby Brown's car was swerving and sliding all over the street. Bitch's car was doing the Every Little Step dance. They pulled Bobby over and when the police walked up to his window, they knew what it felt like to toss White Oprah's salad as she lets out a fart. The inside of Bobby's car smelled like sad desperation wrapped in a cloud of whiskey fumes and Pall Mall smoke.

Bobby agreed to do a sobriety test and he got an F. Bobby became one with a pair of handcuffs, was taken to the station and posed for his 500th mug shot. Bobby hasn't bailed out yet.

See, here's a good reason for why Bobby should try to build a strong and trusting relationship with his daughter Bobbi Kristina. Bobbi Kristina is supposedly sober right now and what stupid Bobby really needs is a designated driver who will drive him around while he gets boozed all the way up in the passenger seat. If I ever have kids, I'm going to try to be as nice to them as possible, but only because in 20 years I don't want them to hang up on my face when I call them to pick my drunk ass up from the bar.

Bobby Brown is shaking head "no" to the gossip that he's the one who introduced Whitney Houston's nostrils to the bad shit. Bobby B told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that bitches shouldn't put the blame on him for getting Whit hooked on drugs, because she was already in deep before he came into her world. Before Bobby met Whitney, the hardest stuff he put in his body was weed smoke and beer. Whitney's the one who brought narcotics into his life, not the other way around. My eyes are rolling so hard that I can't focus on pulling the showmethereceipts.gif out of my archives, so can you do it for me? Yes, but I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's something I learned during cunty bloggers class at The Learning Annex.

Bobby told Matt that Whitney's issue with addiction started before him. Bobby says, "I didn't get high before I met Whitney. I smoked weed, um, I dranked beer, but I wasn't the one that got Whitney on drugs.... I worried about it when we first got together until I tried it. And when I tried it, for some reason I have an addictive personality. It's unexplainable. But no, I wasn't the one who got her addicted to drug. I'm not the reason she's gone." 

Bobby also said that he had "14 beautiful years" with Whitney, but their reality show Being Bobby Brown opened up both of their eyes to how messed up they looked to everybody else. That convinced Bobby to get clean.

I'm not one of those bitches who blames Bobby for Whitney's death or thinks he was the cause of all her addictions. Whitney and Bobby's relationship was toxic for the both of them. Their relationship was like felching someone who just ate a whole bag of prunes. It wasn't going to end well. That being said, Bobby is not sitting there, on a talk show, acting like he was the innocent one. Of course Bobby says this after the fact. Bitch, stop.

May an unpoppable doody bubble haunt Bobby's ass for the rest of his days.

In "bitches staying messy" news, Bobby Brown was pulled over by the police today in Reseda, CA, because he's Bobby Brown so they knew he must be up to some backwards shit. No, they pulled Bobby Brown over, because his dumb ass was talking on the cell phone. When the cops walked up to his window, the musky scent of a bar sink filled their nostrils and they pulled Bobby out for a breathalyzer test. Bobby blew over the legal limit and it was off to jail his ass went.

TMZ says that Bobby was taken to the jail in Van Nuys to pose for his (insert the number of times you rolled your eyes at this entire post and then you'll have the number)th mug shot. Bobby's "people" somehow got his bail money together by checking under sofa cushions and asking the other members of New Edition to give a FREE BOBBY!!! concert in the parking lot of a laundromat. Bobby bailed out at around 2:30 PST, just 2 hours after he was busted.

If charged, this will be Bobby's second time at the DUI party. Bobby served 8 days in jail in 1996 after he pled guilty to a DUI in Georgia.

Reading shit like this mess makes me blow an air kiss to my daddy for walking out on our asses so I didn't have to see him fuck up before my very innocent eyes.

Who the hell drives drunk at 12 in the afternoon on a Monday? Bobaaaaay B, that's who. Telling Bobby to pull his shit together is a waste since everyone has been telling him to pull his shit together for the past ten million years. Your energy would be better spent on taking off your pants and sliding your ass on the carpet (© Abe from Mad Men).