Brandi Glanville

When LeAnn Rimes isn't posing in a bikini for all the paps who answered her fame whore call, she's pushing at Brandi Glanville's buttons. During an interview with Britain's Fabulous Magazine (via Radar), they asked the luck dragon of the south what Eddie Cibrian's sons call her. You could probably feel the thick awkwardness in the room as she flared her nostrils and wondered whether she should tell the truth ("they call me Auntie Falkor") or make up a lie ("they sometimes call me mom"). LeAnn went with the latter one, because she never misses an opportunity to put a crack on Brandi Glanville's Botoxed forehead.

You’ve recently become a stepmother to Jake, five, and Mason, nine. What’s that been like?
They have been very accepting. It’s taken a while to feel like it’s not just Eddie and the two boys and then me. But I do feel that’s happening, and the love that I have for them is tremendous.

What do they call you?
Lee. Sometimes they’ll blurt out: “Mom!”, but I just go with whatever they call me. As long as it’s nice and respectful, I couldn’t care less.

Do you and Eddie want to have your own kids?
Absolutely. There’s still a lot of adjustments to make. It could be five months from now or in two years.

Eddie’s ex-wife, Brandi, has been pretty vocal about her feelings for you. What’s your relationship like now?
That’s where you write “insert face reaction here”.

Eek… That doesn’t sound good.
It’s been really difficult. You have to stand up for yourself and be your own person, but at the same time you have to protect these children and their hearts. And that’s a very tough balance.

LeAnn totally left out a few words there. What she should've said is, "Sometimes they'll blurt out: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, GO BACK TO YOUR STALL!" And when they do blurt out "mom," it's only because LeAnn gives them $20 every time they call her that and she gives them $50 if they call her that in front of their mom. The kids are saving up to buy LeAnn some pants to wear to their baseball games.

Here's LeAnn in Miami yesterday, pretending to be mad at the paps she called.

While sharing the green carpet with other bright shining A-listers like Scott Isadick, Khloe Kartrashian, Hot Piece Mauricio, Kyle Richards and Lisa Rinna at a McDonald's party last night, Brandi Glanville wore leather gloves and some just figured she had a layer of hand skin peeled off, because she wanted her hands to look as plastic as her face. But Brandi tweeted at Celebitchy to let them know that she covered up her hand with a leather glove, because it's got a serious burn on it. Brandi just had to tweet a picture of it. Brandi didn't say how she burned her hand, but I'm guessing she either fisted a ginger or burnt it while cooking meth on a cooktop. It happens.

If that burnt hand picture didn't make you feel queasy enough, UsWeekly has a picture that'll take you over the edge. It's the closest Brandi has gotten to having a Heiman in CENTURIES!

Here's more pictures of Brandi and those other hos at last night's McDonald's event. Yes, Brandi's face looks like it has all the Botox in it, but it's still more natural than anything McDonald's puts between two buns.

Brandi Glanville was seven layers of tanked on Watch What Happens Live last night and when she's drunk, the foolery just flows out of her mouth. Andy Cohen asked Brandi if her arch rival LeAnn Rimes read her book and she wouldn't say anything bad about the Falkor of Texas. Brandi shoved talk of LeAnn Rimes to the side and went after Chelsea Handler instead. Chelsea was on WWHL last week and during the after-show she talked shit about all of the Housewives. Brandi had a message for her Chelsea:

"Like Chelsea Handler was here. She sucked on your show. She was horrible. She wasn't funny, it was completely awkward. I saw the after-show where she was putting down the Housewives. Chelsea, suck it. We know each other... We have the same gaygent and I made out with her lesbian and her assistant and her brother, so she hates me."

Her lesbian? Does that mean Chelsea owns a lesbian? But whatever, who hasn't Brandi made out with? I'm sure 90% of the tongues in the L.A. area have had Brandi Glanville DNA on them at one point or another. Shit, 90% of everything in the L.A. area has been touched by Brandi Glanville DNA at one point or another. If light poles could talk, I'm sure one would tell me that Brandi is all tongue when she makes out. And it makes sense that Brandi hates Chelsea and vice versa. They're both proud drunks, they're both proud sluts and they're both proud wearers of thirsty weaves. They both probably think that the other one is swallowing up the entire world's supply of vodka, peen and yellow weaves.

And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...

Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!

@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around

These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!

And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.

Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.

And the barnyard version of Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston lives on. For the past couple of weeks, Brandi Glanville has been out on the ho stroll selling her book hard by releasing excerpts about how she de-Cibrianized her vagina, was willingly raped by Eddie Cibrian the night they first met and nearly barfed up her internal organs when LeAnn Rimes lured her husband away with tits made of cake. And  now a week before her book comes out, there's a story in UsWeekly about how Brandi is constantly crying over how she's the victim of Eddie's nomad dick when she didn't exactly keep her legs closed to other dudes during their marriage. Well, at least we won't see staged bikini pictures of LeAnn for a little bit, because she's been busy with other things like leaking stories to UsWeekly. Unless, LeAnn let the paparazzi take pictures of her leaking these stories to UsWeekly while wearing a bikini. Yeah, she probably did that.

A source says that throughout her 8 year marriage to Eddie Cibrian, Brandi passed her poon to several dudes several times and 5 weeks after she birthed out their son Jake, she did a dude in her bedroom. But Brandi went on Twitter this morning and denied it WHILE dropping the release date of her new book.

Grasping at straws? Cut to LeAnn Rimes with a guilty look on her face as her mouth grasps a piece of straw in her stall.

Can't we just assume that Brandi and Eddie were both sluttin' before, during and after their marriage. Let's assume that Eddie stuck his nomad dick in random chicks before, during, after his marriage to Brandi and let's also assume that Eddie is sticking his nomad dick in random chicks while he's married to LeAnn Rimes. And Brandi was probably dropping her twat on random dicks before, during and after her marriage to. Eddie is always fucking and Brandi is always fucking. They're both just fucking everyone! Everyone is getting laid! Well, everyone except LeAnn Rimes. While Eddie and Brandi are screwing everybody, LeAnn is chewing on her bed of straw while tweeting her horoscope for the day.

The Real Plastic Faces Of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville is still whoring her book out hard and knows that the easiest way to sell a book is to put a hi-res picture of Prince Hot Ginge's peen in it. But since Brandi doesn't have that, she's selling that book hard by releasing the most foolish pieces from it. Brandi's latest jewel from her treasure trove of fuckery is about how she and Eddie Cibrian bumped crotches just hours after that they met at a West Hollywood nightclub. Brandi says that she kept saying no, but she meant yes and the whole thing was HILARIOUS!

“Six years after I moved to Europe, I came back to Los Angeles to shoot a Coors Light commercial and ended up in an obnoxious nightclub called Grandville on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Across the bar, I spotted an insanely attractive Cuban man who just couldn’t keep his eyes off me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him either. It was love at first sight – or perhaps, lust. Yes, we slept together that first night. I would never endorse sleeping with someone you just met, because half of the fun is the challenge. But, man, was it fucking hot! I used to joke that he ‘raped’ me. Rape jokes are never funny, except when they are. I was saying, ‘No,no,no,’ the entire time, but we all know that despite the adage, sometimes no does mean yes.”

Daniel Tosh just fell in love! I'm sure in a few months Brandi will be standing at the altar and holding Tosh's hands while laughing as he tells rape joke after rape joke in his vows to her. They are meant to be!

via Radar

Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald's last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet 'n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.

Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn't. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie's credit card:

"I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.

I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, 'What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?'I responded simply, 'Yes. A nose job.' And I hung up."

Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi's Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi's vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the "after" pictures and say, "I want that pussy on my body!" Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor's malnourished twin sister.

Because the generic brand version of the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston feud is good for Brandi Glanville's business, she continued to kick at LeAnn Rimes' bony ass bone on Watch What Happens Live last night. The humanized Siamese Cat that is Andy Cohen brought up LeAnn Rimes' never-ending Entertainment Tonight interview, where the malnourished Falcor said that Brandi keeps trashing her on Twitter and in the press to keep Brandi's reality show career going. Brandi laughed at the interview and said that all of LeAnn's interviews are "cray-cray" and that she is "insane." I really wish we could see LeAnn's reaction to Brandi calling her a crazy bitch for the millionth time, because I really want to see her nostrils flare until her nose flaps touch her ears.

Andy also brought up a part in Brandi's book where she basically says that Eddie Cibrian is a gold digger who is using LeAnn as his "sugar mama." Brandi then figuratively grabbed LeAnn and branded the word "INSANE" into her ass before going on to say that LeAnn watches The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills all the time. If you need to experience this highly exciting interview for yourself, watch below:

Eddie's dick-serving skills came up and Brandi said he's "a nine in the bedroom," but she would never get with that shit again, because he makes "her skin crawl."

First of all, of course Eddie is a 9. Brandi didn't have to tell me that. He's got crazy bitches fighting over him like his peen shoots out delicious horsey sauce from Arby's. Second of all, why did I ruin my lunch by picturing horse sauce shooting out of Eddie's peen and onto LeAnn's roast beef sandwich? I hate myself.

Being the responsible and sane parents that they are, Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville continued to throw hate at each other in the media yesterday. It all started when Brandi told UsWeekly that LeAnn Rimes is a laxative-loving crazy bitch who puts her children in danger and that Eddie never returns her e-mails. Then Eddie responded by giving Radar an e-mail he supposedly sent to Brandi. The e-mail only makes sense if you picture Eddie transcribing it as LeAnn shouts the words while waving three $100 bills at his face. Here's Eddie's letter and yes, I felt like he was personally kneeing me in the taint when he typed "wine and narcissism" like it's a bad thing!

"I know your life exists solely for the purpose of living and creating drama. It's a sad way to live. It's so obvious that you have to constantly mention my wife so people will care what comes out of your mouth. One day when wine and narcissism are not consuming you, you will realize how fortunate the kids are to have LeAnn in their life. She is amazing with them, as the kids will 100 percent attest to. You should be so lucky to one day find someone who will love and respect Mason and Jake as she does. Although, I really don't know how anyone can put up with your constant bullshit. No wonder you have lost so many 'close' friends. Grow up already and for once, PUT THE KIDS FIRST!"

Since Brandi has nothing to do all day but yell at semi-human mannequins in front of Bravo's cameras, she immediately ate one of LeAnn's candy laxatives, turned around and fired another shit bomb at Eddie. Brandi went on Twitter and told Eddie to grow a pair of huevos. Brandi also said that LeAnn is addicted to Adderall and drinks like a fish. Again, why do whores keep kneeing me in that taint like that? Drinking like a fish is a bad thing?! Brandi has since deleted all those tweets and said that she's going to stop tweeting about Eddie and LeAnn for now.

Brandi is fueled by the crazy, but LeAnn is crazier. Case in point: A few weeks ago, I spent about 6 minutes with my cousin's kids and during those 6 minutes, one ate most of my pumpkin brownie, the other one slapped my forehead and the third one took my iPhone out of my hand without asking. It was like a moment with Lindsay Lohan. They did all of this while some annoying Nickelodeon cartoon played in the background. I had to change the channel from HGTV to Nickelodeon for them! Kids are thieves and laugh when they physically assault you! You can't even call the cops on them. They are above the law. So why would anyone fight over kids that don't legally belong to them?

One of Brandi's kids even stole one of LeAnn Rimes' laxatives out of her purse. You'd think that's where LeAnn would draw the line. When you mess with her precious poop pills, you mess with her emotions. But no, LeAnn still wants to spend quality time with them. Crazy ass bitch.

Brandi Glanville's anal glands nearly popped off of her ass last week when LeAnn Rimes called her son "her boys" on Twitter. Just like me every time I catch my dog playing with the Care Bear stuffed animal I accidentally left on the floor, Brandi screamed at LeAnn, "MINE! MINE! IT'S MINE! MINE! MINE! NOT YOURS! MINES!" This happened last Friday. Brandi still isn't over it (and has a book to sell), so she continued to yank at Falcor's ears in interviews with HuffPo and UsWeekly. Brandi thinks that LeAnn's wrangler should consider putting her down, because she's certifiably insane and rabid horses are dangerous! Brandi says that she only spews her family drama out on Twitter, because it's the only way Eddie Cibrian will respond to her. This is what Brandi said about LeAnn to HuffPo:

“She uses my kids as weapons. The problem with that is she endangers them while doing so. I think she is a sociopath. She constantly uses my kids as weapons and puts them in danger. She needs major help -- no way Eddie puts up with this for too much longer.”

Brandi got even more into it with UsWeekly. Brandi claims that LeAnn has an eating disorder, is addicted to shitting and it's only a matter of time before one of her sons ends up in the emergency room because of their evil stepmother. Brandi brought up the time her son ate one of LeAnn's laxatives thinking it was a Skittle.

"I know that my kids love her, and I know that she's upset. I, unfortunately, don't find her to be stable and I don't want her around my kids when Eddie's not there -- or at least the nanny, his parents, someone. Mason, my eldest, ate some of Le's candies and got extremely ill. And Le's candies are laxatives. It was a big fucking deal for me, and I lost my mind. Mason told me about it, and then Eddie's assistant, who was working for me at the time, also told me about it out of concern for my children. I emailed, emailed, called, called -- no answers. Couldn't even discuss it. He refuses to even be in the same room as me. He can't have a parent-teacher conference if I'm there. I don't know how to do this when I can't talk to the father of my children and his new wife. I don't know what to do.

LeAnn has a severe eating disorder. She has [a laxative] in every purse. Mason found one on the floor and thought it was a Skittle! They don't keep sugar in the house. He thought he finally found candy! He gets extremely sick, and that freaks me the fuck out."

Brandi also brought up another time that LeAnn Rimes tweeted a video of her son Jake riding his bike without a helmet down a really busy street:

"She posted this video -- we've been going back and forth and fighting with lawyers about the kids being in the background on the show that we film. I don't even want them to be in the forefront. I just want them to be around me when I have them, [so] if they're in the background running around I don't need to shuffle them out with a babysitter. . . I just thought it was very hypocritical of LeAnn to post this video, which I didn't actually see until [days later] . . . To be honest, I choose not to look because it does upset me. So at this point, one of my friends emailed it to me and said,'You really want to see this,' because my friend knew about the laxative situation. And I see Jakey, my 5-year-old, on a bike on Roundmeadow Road -- a very busy road where drunk drivers have crashed into their house. . . He doesn't have a helmet on and he's driving without his training wheels, which he doesn't even do at my house. He still wears them at my house, and he's alone with her. She's behind him and I know that he's having fun. I'm sure it was great and I know that he loves her, but they don't realize that they're in danger. They don't. And no one's getting back to me about anything that's going on. So I'm forced to take it to the public on Twitter. And then when people say, 'Come on. Get over it.' How do you get over it? These are my children. I will never be over my children. I'm not just going to say, 'Well, fuck it.' . . . These are my children and I don't want this unstable person around them when she's alone.

I want my kids all the time, but I don't want to keep them from their father because their father loves them dearly, but I think he's kind of blinded by this woman. I don't think he sees clearly. I think he thinks that she pretends to be something that she's not for him. I think around him, she plays his perfect [wife]. And he doesn't realize that she's using our children and putting them in danger. And using them as a tool to get to me, and not just being a loving parent."

Brandi doesn't want to get the lawyers involved, because she can't afford one right now and wants to save money to buy a house.

Okay, so Brandi thinks that if her kids spend more alone time with LeAnn Rimes, they will eventually get hit by a car or shit out all of their internal organs from eating LeAnn's entire supply of poop candy? And Brandi doesn't want to go to court to try put a stop to LeAnn's irresponsible craziness? That makes sense! Why tell all those stories to a judge when you can tell them to UsWeekly for a check instead?

Olivier Martinez, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry should send Eddie, LeAnn and Brandi a thank you note for ALMOST making them look sane and functional by comparison. And if LeAnn is wondering why Giuliana Rancic keeps hanging around her stable door, it's because Giuliana heard that she's addicted to shitting.