InTouch Weekly must really love getting the word "LOOSERZ" spray-painted on their front office door by a rabid Brangeloonie, because they just won't stop waving their shank at St. Angie Jolie. This week they might get an extra "LOOSERZ" on their door for claiming that all the members of the child army barely know who St. Angie is. And Lucifer's work of fiction award goes to....
A source tells InTouch that the holy family is staying at the Claremont Hotel in Oakland, CA while Brad Pitt shoots Moneyball in the Bay Area. The source was in the club area of the hotel on July 30th when they witnessed a little scene between, Maddox, Pax and their nanny. St. Angie was not around. The source went on to say, "At one point, Maddox and Pax got into a brotherly spat over some ketchup. The nanny firmly said, ‘Mad, let Paxie have some ketchup.’ Maddox said, ‘Mom, do I have to?’ and Pax was whining, ‘Mom, make him give me some.’”
PAXIE AND MAD?!!!!! What in the coochie napkin hell?! Isn't that what a dyslexic reads when they look at a box of Stayfree? You know, I'm just going to stop right here, because that's all I needed to see. We can all shut it down now.
But before you do that, here's Angie showing her true horrible mother colors by taking her kids toy shopping in Oakland yesterday.
Obviously, Pax is saying to her, "Who are you? Why are you holding my hand? Where's mom? Why are you telling me to smile at the cameras?" Or maybe he's saying, "Why did you do this to my hair? And you can tell the nanny to stop calling me PAXIE!" Yeah, that's probably what he said.
Star Magazine has published a set of pictures they say will split the Church of Brangelina down the middle and send St. Angie and Brad Pitt running in opposite directions. The ESCANDALOSO pictures are from Andrew Morton's unauthorized biography on the holy one. So what kind of pictures will cause Moses to drop from the sky and part Brangelina's sea of blessed love FOREVER?!
The pictures aren't of Brad Pitt licking and humping on his secret stash of Jennifer Aniston DVDs or anything like that. The pictures are of Angie with tape on her nipples and dragons in her eyes. Clutch your partner's pearls (or anal beads....whichever)! From Star:
In one set, the now-mother of six has black tape over her nipples and a dog leash around her neck. Others show her during a 14-hour heroin-smoking bender.
"The photographs are a startling reminder to Angelina of a period in her life I’m sure she wants to forget, a shady piece of her history that she’s kept hidden away, even from Brad," celebrity biographer Andrew Morton, author of Angelina: An Unauthorized Biography, tells Star in our cover story.
If you flipped through a promotional pamphlet from the Department of Not Shocking you will find pictures of Angelina Jolie with black tape over her nipples and a dog leash around her neck. Somebody pass Andrew Morton a copy.
And here's the SHOCKING pictures that should tear Angie and her stylist apart for damn good. Here's Angie showing us that she's also the Saint of Recycling by wearing a used Hefty bag to the press conference for Salt in Seoul, Korea today.
Are those security guards protecting the divine vagina at any cost? Or is it the other way around and they are protecting the Japanese public from the divine vagina, because they know its powers of hypnotism? Whatever the case may be, the security guards did their job because no fatalities, injuries, blackouts or adoptions were reported.
Here's St. Angie Jo wearing one of Morticia Addams' favorite freakum dresses to the Japanese premiere of SALT today. That dress is cut so high that you can practically see a piece of Brad Pitt's bloody nutsack hanging out. Git 'em, saint! Make Gomez throw himself in a casket and close the door for a little alone time.
And this has to be my favorite picture from the premiere. The saint throws a side-eye!
Angie looks like she just locked up Cinderella in the attic! No wonder there was an unscheduled solar eclipse in Tokyo today (No, there wasn't). The sun was trying to escape from Angie's side-eye by hiding behind the moon.
Pulling out a move straight from the ancient martial art known as Abuelita Fu, Maddox slappity slap slapped Pax in the mouth while they all strolled through an airport in Japan today. St. Angie Jo took a minute from using her internal Babel Fish to translate the words of praise coming from the Japanese Brangeloonies, and told Maddox that if he doesn't stop she'll make him wear a primary color (a punishment worse than anything)!
But St. Angie should've yelled at his ass for a different reason. If you're going to attempt the Abuelita swat, do that shit right by using a chankla instead of your hand! Maddox has a lot to learn.
Here's more of St. Angie, Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh looking like they just rolled out of a J. Crew catalog while smiling at their adoring fans today. Shiloh wants nothing to do with the foolery happening next to her. Nobody is going to ruin her miniature Ken Doll strut!
St. Angie floated into Moscow today for the Russian premiere of COAT, and she immediately sniffed out the youngest blood in the crowd and went in for a closer look. Don't worry, St. Angie didn't whistle for Maddox to fix up another bed in the child army barracks. St. Angie just wanted to give the girl a kiss (aka tagging). Or maybe she was trying to suck the youth out of her. Who knows.
You know the little girl was like, "Um...I'm not on your brother." NO! The girl is forever grateful, because she's been blessed by the ethereal bones of a saint.
Here's more of St. Angie wearing red in Russia (COMMIE!) at the premiere of Salt today. Somebody needs to talk the color black off the ledge, because it probably thinks it has nothing to live for now that St. Angie is actually wearing red.
Maddox Jolie-Pitt sashayed into the child army barracks this morning and declared that their war against the evil doers known The News of the World is now over, because the dark side held up their white flag and surrendered themselves! The twin messiahs burst into tears of joy, which covered the floors in flecks of gold. (They made Pax clean it up).
This past January, the News of the World claimed that the planet would enter into a new Ice Age, because we would not have the love of Brangelina to warm us all. Basically, they reported that St. Angie Jo and Brad Pitt had met with divorce lawyers to divide their $320 million fortune and work out custody agreements for their fifty thousand million chirruns. Brangie sued and they settled in court today. Their lawyer, Themis, issued this statement shortly after their victory:
"When the News of the World failed to publicly retract the allegations and apologize for them – thereby leaving their readers in the dark as to the true position – the couple felt they had no alternative than to sue. Today's victory marks the end of the litigation brought by Brad and Angelina."
Brangelina plan to use the settlement money to start a foundation to benefit tabloid journalists who were recently fired for spreading lies about them. Yes, they are helping the ones who have wronged them so. Can we get a DOUBLE COMPLETE HALO up in this bitch?
Last night was the Salt premiere in Los Angeles, and this morning thousands of Brangeloonies are sitting nekkid in bowls of salt to stop their parts from throbbing like snails in heat! Escargot for everybody!
St. Angie, who is skinnier than a roach clip on a roach's joint, shocked everyone last night by wearing a strapless (!!!) black (!!!) dress (!!!) with nude heels (!!!)!!! St. Angie's ethereal holiness already causes saintstruck peons to throw themselves in a shallow gave, so she really shouldn't shock them more by deviating from the norm. I mean, we've never ever seen her dressed like the cocktail waitress at an Addams Family-themed Las Vegas casino. Never!
And Brad Pitt looks like he's been up all night sipping well scotch at a HoJo's bar, because his wife changed the locks after she caught him flirting with the secretary at the used car dealership he works at. If you emptied his pockets, you'd find a matchbook with Ruby's (it's always a Ruby) telephone number on it. This is the best Brad Pitt has looked in centuries!
Here's a few more of Brangelina groping on each other last night. Jon Voight, James Haven, Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts were also there! Sadly, I couldn't find any pictures of James Haven channeling STAINS. James' eyeballs just wouldn't get erect last night. Sad.
St. Angie Jo recently told MTV that she got a tattoo on her thigh that is strictly for Brad, but she wouldn't say anything more. And just like that "What does Angie Jo have tattooed on her thigh?" became the greatest mystery that has ever fallen upon mankind.
Dan Brown started to write a novel on it. Detective La Toya gave herself a third world orphan baby plastic surgery makeover so she could sneak into the Brangelina family mansion. Brangeloonies everywhere took a sabbatical (more like a SaBRADical...GONG) so they could devote every minute of their day to writing all of their theories on the garage wall using a blue Sharpie (aka the tears of an Aniston). But everyone can drop their magnifying glasses, because one of Jezebel's readers thinks she might have cracked the code. Here's her theory:
I think it reads Whiskey Bravo.
She says : "Um, it's for Brad."
Brad's real name is William Bradley Pitt.
According to the alphabet the military use: William Bradley = Whiskey Bravo
WHISKEY BRAVO?! After all that!? That sounds like the name of a liquor store off the highway in Barstow, California. This sort of sounds right, but I'm still not convinced.
It could be Whiney Butt? Or Whitey Bear? Or maybe Washy Brad? The latter does make sense, because it serves as a reminder to Brad to disinfect his dirty face before visiting her preying vagina. Even St. Angie likes her victims to wash up before she bites them!
Billy Goat Brad laid down in the field behind his barn and let all of his best goat friends chew the minge off of his face before bidding them adieu for now! All of his goat friends wept a single tear as they watched him skip away knowing that they probably won't ever chew a tin can or kick a fence with him again. They all baaaaaaah-ed in sadness.
Brad Pitt no longer looks like a dirty highway drifter who could come up with four full course meals just by shaking his beard out. Brad Pitt now looks like a dirty highway drifter who just shaved in a gas station bathroom using a kitchen knife and hand soap. Jokes.
Brad apparently gave his face a Brazilian wax for his new movie Moneyball. Here's a few shots of him shooting that shit Downtown Los Angeles this afternoon.
You know a special kind of Brangeloonie is diving into Brad's dumpster right now to find whatever is left of his beard. Bitch is totally going to super glue that shit to her pubic area.
I once was dazzled by a chorus of glittery hearts floating around me right after I bit into a pepperoni Hot Pocket, so I don't need St. Angelina Jolie to shed a tear for me. But those of you who have never experienced true love should take a little comfort in knowing that the almighty holy one feels sorry for you. In an interview with Parade (you can read the whole thing here), St. Angie lays it on thick when talking about love:
"I feel sad for someone who has never known love. Love elevates. You know, Brad would joke about me having this conversation about love. Love? It's such a funny word. Brad can find certain phrases of poetry for it. I'm terrible at it. But I know it means wanting the best for the people you love, putting their interests above your own, always. Love does that. Love is what you live for."
St. Angie needs to stop, because she's giving cheese an inferiority complex. The cherubs stopped shooting people with love, because they were too busy using their arrows to gag themselves after reading this mess of a quote. Even Aphrodite texted St. Angie to let her know that she's going a little overboard.
And someone really needs to get Maddox to sneak into Billy Goat Brad's barn and steal his book of original poetry. You know Brad's soul burps out some deep shit like: "Roses are red, violets are blue, Jennifer Aniston is a meanie, but I wuv you."