Brenda Song

Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus' love was shuffled off to the glue factory last summer after 2 years of humping, but she hasn't given up on their love and has taken the advice of her riding coach: when you fall off that horse, get back on and keep riding. Tish Cyrus' love child with an undead horse from Red Dead Redemption posted this picture of him and Brenda Song on Instagram (via ONTD) with the note: "I wanna tell the world about u just so they can get jealous."

Jealousy is definitely the emotion we're all feeling toward Brenda Song. I mean, Brenda Song gets to lick on Trace Cyrus' sideburn tattoo and you don't. Brenda Song gets to rub herself on Trace Cyrus' water damage newspaper of a body and you don't. Brenda Song gets to once again spend her holidays sharing a box of Corn Pops with Billy Ray Cyrus while Noah Cyrus pole dances in the corner and you don't. And more importantly, Brenda Song gets to use that electronic dildo/bong thing (that's what it is and don't try to tell me otherwise) in the background of that picture and you don't. That electronic dildo/bong thing is probably the only reason why Brenda Song came back.

Here's Brenda Song looking really excited about being back in the saddle while leaving a gym in L.A. the other day.

The meaning of true love is already on the dirty bathroom floor, crying into a half-empty bottle of Strawberry Hill after hearing that Zac Efron and pro beard-in-training Lily Collins broke up and now its going to bawl all of its internal organs out once it hears that the prized steed of the Cyrus family, Trace Cyrus, is no longer rearing on top of Brenda Song. There will be no double Cyrus wedding, because Trace told People that he's not going to ride off into the sunset with Brenda. As Brenda's mom Mai Song thanked the gods above the clouds for rebuking the craving for Emo pony peen from her daughter's being, Trace had this to say about their break-up:

"Brenda and I have decided to go our separate ways. We split up a couple of months ago. We will continue to focus on our careers."

Seriously, if you've ever wanted to see a Thai mother pop her pussy on her front lawn, go to Mai Song's house right now, because no doubt she's celebrating being free from those Cyrus crazies forever.

But Brenda is going to regret letting go out of Trace's lead rope. Brenda will have to find a new moonshine supplier and where else will she find a hot piece who is such a bad ass motherfucker that he has TWO feather drop tattoos. Those feather drops tattoos obviously represent the two canaries he took out. Yes, Trace is that bad. DanRad, you know you want to get on that while it's hot.

Brenda Song is keeping her lips shut to public ears about whether or not her uterus is playing the lullaby version of the Mr. Ed theme song, but her now fiance Trace Cyrus is telling the world that the wedding march version of the Mr. Ed theme song will soon play in the Cyrus stables, because they're getting mare-eeeeeed! It's as Peter Shaffer rewrote Equus and gave it the happy ending it really deserves. The emo scarecrow let this out on Twitter today:

I am very excited to say, last week I asked my girlfriend Brenda Song to marry me and she said YES! We are both very excited to be engaged!

The thing about horse's being hung must be true, because why else would Brenda willingly marry into a fucked up family that is more horrifying than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family. I mean, at Thanksgiving she'll have Billy Ray on one side smacking on Corn Pops while he has a staring contest with her nipples and on the other side she'll have Noah Cyrus singing a Peaches song in between gnawing on a neck bone. But Brenda obviously liked it enough to put a rein on it, so congrats to her! And I, for one, can't wait for Mai Song's dramatic A STAIN ON THIS HORSE monologue about this mess.

via UsWeekly

Brenda Song's mother, Mai Song, performed an Auntie Lindo-like monologue for Radar last week when she said that she did not raise her daughter to fully give in to the temptations of the Cyrus beast and that gentle neighing that's tickling the hairs in your ears is not coming from any of of her kins' wombs. I believed Mai Song at the time, because a Thai mother never lies. I only say that last part, because my friend's Thai mother once told me that my thigh fat spread too much when I sit down. I was 9. She was right. BUT WAIT! Brenda Song put leather booties on her graffiti skeleton pony and took him for a quick gallop around the mall in Sherman Oaks, CA.

Now, my ass isn't calling Mai Song a total lie maker, but if I distracted Trace Cyrus with a bushel of crab apples and dropped a baby carrot in front of Brenda, "surprise" would not be an emotion I would feel if a half-Asian anime pony galloped out. But then again, it's a well known that fact that when a bitch dresses like Snooki, she looks like she has the build of Snooki too.

Mai Song would never lie to all of our faces...um...laptop screens, so let's just choose to believe her truth. But the minute you see a ball of teeth coming out of Brenda's cooch, book that Flicka fucka on bestiality charges and call it a day.

A new international neigh-mare was born when Celebuzz said that Brenda Song went all the way Equus with Trace Cyrus and was knocked up with the pony child that Auntie Noah Cyrus would eventually dress up in diaper chaps before forcing it to coo out the lyrics to a Ke$ha song. But Trace never pulled his mouth off of his feed bag to confirm or de-neeeeeeeigh this shit. Neither did Brenda. But Brenda's mom, Mai Song, is shaking her head over this and tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that bitches need to stop sending her daughter horseshoe booties and sugar cube pacifiers, because the reboot of Mr. Ed is not going through pre-production in Brenda's womb:

“She’s actually not pregnant. It’s very upsetting to our family because of what I’m going through and it’s not how we raised her. She's very upset."

"We didn't raise our daughter to get into this bestiality crap. Yes, as a girl we couldn't stop her from open leg spooning with her stuffed animal pony, but when we sold her to Disney Mickey Mouse promised us he'd cure her of that. He promised. WHYYYYY?"

Mai Song says she's currently undergoing treatment for cancer and this is the last shit she needs in her life.

The above picture of Brenda was taken a couple of days ago and I don't even see the slightest print of a foal hoof pressing against her stomach, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm still going to believe Mama Song and assume that Brenda ain't knocked up anymore. Let's not ask any questions and just be thankful that the world has been spared from being terrorized by another Cyrus...for now.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Didn't Brenda Song's trainer teach her to always use a saddle (aka Trojan horse condom) when going horseback riding? I guess not, because Celebuzz is saying that inside of 23-year-old Brenda Song's womb a tiny fetus is putting its little tiny fetus hooves together and praying that the Song gene is its dominant one. A source tells them that Brenda, who was in some Disney crap and The Social Network, pulled some Catherine the Great shit on 22-year-old Trace Cyrus' horse dick and now she's going to birth out an Asian centaur that will gallop out of her pussy in a few months. Brenda led a horse to her vagina and it did more than DRANK.

While I NEEEEEIGH at the image of Auntie Noah and Auntie Miley try to pull an apple off of a tree to feed it to their nephew Flicka, read what Celebuzz had to say about this mess:

Big congrats to Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus! The couple is expecting their first child together, Celebuzz can exclusively report.

“They are beyond thrilled,” a source tells us. “They are about eight weeks along.”

The Social Network star and Miley Cyrus‘ brother have been quietly seeing each other for several months, but made their first appearance together on the red carpet at Nylon Magazine’s party in early May.

Trace’s publicist could not be reached for comment.

This Emo bestiality shit was probably Equus' original ending, but even Peter Shaffer knew he was going too far.

Well, the good news is that first time birth shouldn't be that bad for Brenda. All she has to do is shove a live snake up her ass and that hapa foal will come galloping for ITS LIFE out of her coochie before you can say "sugar cube." And if Babies 'R Us hasn't already stocked their shelves with newborn feedbags and baby hooves for Kimbo Stewart's baby, now might be a good time to do so.