Brendan Fraser

Brendan Fraser filed some WOE IS ME legal papers in Connecticut last month, because his ex-wife  Afton Smith expects him to pay $900,000 a year in alimony and child support for their three kids. But Brendan claims that he's so broke that it's only a matter of time before he has to put on his George of the Jungle costume to sell $20 hand jobs to fanboys in the men's bathroom at Comic-Con. Brendan laid it on thick by saying that he doesn't know if he'll ever make another dime again and he's just not shitting out gold bars like he used to. Brendan's wife was not convinced, so he filed more papers that show that he ends up in the red every single month. According to TMZ, Brendan laid out his monthly finances like this:

 + $205,704.04 - What he makes every month.
+ $25,800.26 - What he gets in interest and stocks and stuff every month.
- $112, 803.25 - What he pays for professional expenses (agents, lawyers, managers, etc).
- $50,000 - What he pays his ex-wife in alimony.
- $25,000 - What he pays his ex-wife in child support.
-  $5,200 - What he pays his gardener.
- $5,000+ - What he pays for the mortgage on his properties.
- $6,000+ - What he pays for property taxes.
- $34,132.52 - What he pays the IRS each month.
- $5,000 - What he pays for other kinds of insurance (health, life, etc...)
- $5,000 - What he spends on family support and gifts.
- $3,000 - What he spends on staffing.
- $7.77 - What he spends on pet care.

TMZ says the list goes on and on, and shows that he's losing $87,000 a month. But it's not like Brendan will be turning tricks near the train tracks with Lindsay Lohan, because he's got around $25 million in assets.

Two things blow my mind: 1) That Brendan Fraser is bringing in that much money a month in the year 2013 and; 2) That Brendan Fraser pays his gardener that much money. Dude needs to get one of those lawn Roombas. Or he needs to do what some of my family members do: just let your front lawn grow wild until the neighbors get sick of it trashing up the block and mow it themselves.

And I'm guessing that the $7.77 is to buy seeds to feed whatever animal is on top of his head.

There's a good reason for why Brendan Fraser's facial expression is permanently set to "WOE IS ME," because woe is him and woe is his bank accounts. Brendan claims that he not only lost his hotness, but he lost his fortune too. During his Mummy days, dump trucks would drop mountains of cash on his front driveway, but those days are long over and now he says that he's so broke that he's thisclose to giving hand jobs in a McDonald's bathroom for a McGriddle (story of my life). Brendan was paying his ex-wife, Afton Smith, $900,000 a year in alimony and child support for his three sons, 10-year-old Griffin, 8-year-old Holden and 6-year-old Leland. Apparently, Brendan can't afford to make those payments anymore and he went to a Connecticut court to try to bring that number down.

The New York Post says that in court documents, Brendan claims that paying $900,000 a year just doesn't make sense, because he no longer makes that kind of money anymore. Brendan admitted that he has a few movies coming out, but none of those movies are going to put zillions of dollars into his checking account. But Afton Smith is HAHAHA-ing at Brendan's broke bitch act and thinks that he's all sorts of fraudulent. When they settled their divorce in 2009, Afton accused Brendan of hiding $9 million of new movie contracts. Afton also laughed when Brendan said that he was going to make $0 from acting in the future, because he had no projects in the works.

Afton's lawyer claims that Brendan is once again acting poor for show, because he has $24.7 million in assets.

Cue up the "NO TRICK NEEDS $75,000 A MONTH TO RAISE THREE KIDS" comments. Yeah, nobody needs $75,000 a month to raise three kids, but if you can get it, shit, get it. Why get up when it's still dark to make your kids mayonnaise and butter sandwiches for lunch when you can get a morning chef to do it? Why drive your screaming kids to school in the morning when you can get a nanny to do it? Why makes your kids dinner and get them to do their homework when you can get a night nanny to do it so you can sip champagne in a bubble bath far away from all of them? Get it all, Afton!

And Brendan needs to stop acting like that cousin who gets you to buy her lunch by crying about how broke she is but then pulls out a new Louis Vuitton bag. Because we all know that Brendan is getting millions of dollars in royalties from Monkeybone.