David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he's going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.
"[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I'm fortunate to have realized those dreams.
To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I'm honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. ... I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed."
Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).
I hope he likes the taste of jail wine, because Bobby Brown's going to be guzzling on fermented tomatoes, sugar and yeast out of a paper bag for over a month. TMZ says that Nippy's former full-time doody bubble popper was sentenced to 55 days in the clink in Van Nuys, CA today for driving a car while drunk on booze. That shiver that just ran up your body was from Cissy Houston cracking a smile for the first time in 300 years!
Bobby was pulled over in L.A. last October and he was put into cuffs after police said his car smelled like White Oprah's end-of-the-night breath. Since Bobby is such a good decision maker, he was driving on a suspended license so he got another slap for that. This was Bobby's third DUI. In court today, Bobby also got 4 years probation and he has to go to at least 3 AA meetings before he checks into the clink on March 20th.
This is Bobby B's third DUI and his ass only got 55 days? Since it's the State of California, Bobby might check in, fart in his cell and then check out 55 seconds later due to overcrowding. But then again, bitch might be forced to serve the whole 55 days since he's not a white (or orange-ish) ho with the last name Lohan.