Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I'll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the "America's Sweetheart" sash from Reese's body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:
"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.
It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I'm very sorry for my behavior."
I wonder what "scary situation" Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer's face when she asked him, "Do you know my name?" Yeah, that's totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.
And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the "Do you know who I am?!" line. Sometimes it'll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.
Here's more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter's old suits, because that shit is the look.
The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:
"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"
Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.
The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:
Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War
And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.
It was a bittersweet day for Matthew McConaughey on Friday. It was sweet, because his wife Camila Alves birthed out their third kid together. It was bitter, because he couldn't pass around pink or blue joints since he's only nibbling on leaves and drinking cups of cold air to play Ron Woodruff. Matthew busted out a smiley face while making his baby samba out of Camila's cooch by playing her baby bump like a bongo drum, but then he quickly busted out a frowny face when he realized that he can't take a congratulatory puff from his favorite bong.
The Texas T-Rex hasn't said anything about his third kid on Twitter, yet, but sources tell People that Camila gave birth in Austin, TX on Friday. People's source needs to be a better source, because they don't know if Camila had a boy or a girl and they don't know the kid's name. Useless source!
Matthew and Camila's 3-year-old daughter is named Vida and their 4-year-old son is named Levi, so I hope they did the right thing by naming their new kid Loca. If you put a little chili on your tongue and say the names Levi, Vida and Loca really fast, it sort of sounds like Livin' La Vida Loca!
UPDATE: Matthew and Camila had a boy and they didn't name his ass Loca. If Matthew didn't temporarily break up with his bong to starve his way to an Oscar, he totally would've named him Loca. They named him Livingston instead. BOO!
Matthew McConaughey took a break yesterday from celebrating his Fourth of July by busting the national anthem on his bongos drums while only wearing American flag nipple tassels and he jumped on Twitter to tell his followers that ANOTHER fetus has moved into Camila Alves' uterus. So instead of just 2 kids screaming "DAAAAAAAAD!" in a few years after seeing the Texas T-Rex clench his greasy nalgas in Magic Mike, there will be 3! Here's Matthew's latest BABY!!! announcement and it helps if you read it while picturing him saying it in a leather vest and a matching leather thong.
happy birthday America, more good news, Camila and I are expecting our 3rd child, God bless, just keep livin
You'd think that the Texas T-Rex's sperm fishes are as stoned as him, so they'd take their time in making their way to Camila's ovaries and play beats on her eggs like a bongo instead of doing what they're supposed to do.... But nope, his sperm fishes get shit done!
Matthew and Camila's 2-year-old is named Vida and their 3-year-old is named Levi, so obviously they're going to stick with the 4 letter name. I'm guessing they'll go with Bong McConaughey.
Camila paid tribute to the most intimate and authentic wedding of our time by wearing a Kuntrashian-approved diamond headband and she also wore the JcPenney lace overlay tablecloth my abuelita had on her dresser under the Jesus hugging a crucifix porcelain statue she got at Pic 'N' Save. Sadly, the Texas T-Rex didn't wear a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt, but he did make me bliss the fuck out by giving this statement. We know WHO smoked that bouquet up after the ceremony.
"We decided to embrace the ritual of marriage as an opportunity and adventure we'll take together."
Translation: "I'M BAKED, MAN."
I wish I was baked too, because that might make it easier for me to deal with that L.A. Looks gel in his hair and that picture that makes him look like Fire Marshall Bill after getting a graft from a dehydrated apricot. But I do love the tender "I'm going to poke at you to see if you're real-life or a figment of my shroom-induced hallucination" pose.
If you were in Austin, TX last night and wondered why you heard the sound of a wild stoner T-Rex howling at the night while running through the woods, pounding at his bare chest, you now know why. It was just Matthew McConaughey letting out a celebratory wail after becoming Camila Alves' husband. Yes, that's a picture of Camila with Matthew McConaughey and not a picture of Camila with the broken condom baby of a female Skeletor and a Ken doll.
The Texas T-Rex's spokeswhore tells People, who bought the EXCLUSIVO rights for publishing pictures of this shit, that he married the mother of his two kids and his piece of 6 years at their mansion in Austin, Texas last night. Camila took her man's last name, so now she'll be known as Camila McConaughey. If I was Camila, I'd also legally give myself a middle name that begins with a U, so my initials could be CUM. Now those are some initials worth monogramming on your bathroom hand towels.
A source tells UsWeekly that after the reception, a handful of guests including Woody Harrleson got the option to stay in a temporary McConaughey commune of over a dozen fancy ass tents that had showers and air conditioning. Hos who decided to camp out in Matthew's backyard didn't have to worry about bears, but they did have to worry about him trying to steal their weed stash in the middle of the night. Poor bitches had to hang their weed bags up in the trees. Well, at least they only had to hang their stash on the lowest hanging branch since Matthew's tiny T-Rex arms can't even reach that high.
All the details you don't care about like what Camila wore on her body and if Matthew played his own wedding march on his bongo drums are in the next issue of People. The only thing I care about is how Camila wore her hair, because above everything, hair IS important.
Because your Facebook feed isn't already filled with a bunch of sappy bitches slobbering over how their pieces went to Jared and slipped an engagement ring on their finger over the Christmas holiday, here's another one to keep your heaves going. No, this isn't a picture of Blanket Jackson getting the life sucked out of him by a Dr. Evil on roids. It's everyone's favorite bongo-playing stoner Matthew McConaughey kissing on the mother of his 2 chirruns, Camila Alves, after proposing to her on Christmas Day. Today, the definition of "precious" is the image of Matthew getting down on one knee, pulling out a shiny marijuana leaf ring and trying to put it on Camila's finger with those tiny T-Rex arms of his. I bet bitch couldn't reach and had to use a grabber. Matthew Twatted this afterward:
Just asked camila to marry me, #MerryChristmas
Matthew and Camile have a 3-year-old son named Levi and an almost 2-year-old named Vida, so some whores are saying throwing these two a "WHY BOTHER?!" side-eye. But just because they already made two baby friends together doesn't mean they no longer have the right to ruin each other's lives by getting married! So I say, congratulations, and I also say, DAMN FUCK THAT'S A BIG ASS HEAD. It's almost like a Kardashian goiter.