Cinema

Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Homey: The Search For Jude Law's Hairline starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law isn't hitting theaters until Christmastimes, but there's already a trailer out. Guy Ritchie sold out to the man and the result doesn't look that awful. I mean, this isn't the Sherlock Homey isn't at all likes the books. This has a lot of fighting, hard nipples, lost hairlines, explosions, cliche slow-mo shit and silly British accents! Seriously, his accent is kind of funny. I bet Vadge's roidy-pussay sounds like that when it's had too much champagne. That was Guy's inspiration.

Hopefully, Sherlock Homey won't be the latest in a string of shit shows for Guy Ritchie. Although, Swept Away is still one of my favorite movies to bong too. Try it. Vadge's acting skills paired with some of the sweet green makes for a hilarious fucking experience.

HoHan got a job! And the job doesn't involve getting dick slapped on the face on camera! At least, I don't think so. Who knows, that may make the director's cut. Anyway, HoHan has been cast in a real movie that isn't of the porn variety! HoHan giving blow jobs to random dudes who claim they are big-time Hollywood producers has finally paid off. She will star in "The Other Side" with Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette.

Variety says the "indie fantasy comedy" is about "a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before." Does it also involve a polar bear, a cloud of evil smoke, time traveling, moving islands and a baby blue Volkswagen van? This is some Dharma shit right here. "Shit" being the key word. I tell jokes. This sounds almost better than Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. ALMOST.

Shooting will begin this summer on an island off the coast of Massachusetts. My guess is that it will premiere on a random Saturday at midnight on the Sci-Fi Channel. Check your local listings to make sure!

It's a good thing for HoHan that Woody Harrelson is in this cast, because he always bring the good shit. Bitches be stoned the whole time.

Here's the future Oscah winner at LAX yesterday with Granny Ali. You know, those leggings are doing nothing for HoHan's crotch area. Her pussy looks like it's hyperventilating.

No, this isn't the hag at the DMV who smacked her lips at you when you didn't bring in your social security card AND birth certificate. It's Mimi! Mimi! You know, Mariah Carey. YES! I know you didn't recognize the Rainbow Butterfly Princess without her glitter domes out, but it really is her. Mimi washed away all the Hello Kitty-ness to play a period-faced guidance counselor in Precious. Mimi has come along way since her Glitter days.....

The movie also stars my favorite comic of all-time & forever Mo'Nique, Lenny Kravitz, Sherri Shepherd (ugh) and newcomer Gabby Sidibe. The trailer is below. Really, that's Mimi. If you don't believe me, release a butterfly in the room and it will immediately flutter to her when she pops up on the screen.

Debbie Gibson finally found the crown jewel in her illustrious career! Debbie is the star of the direct-to-DVD masterpiece Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!

This cinematic wonder is brought to you by the director of The Mary Kay Letourneau Story, Wild Things 2 and La Cucaracha, so you know it's in fine hands. AND Lorenzo "I've Licked Shauna Sand's Elegant Lucite Pearl" Lamas is also in it! Slap your taint, because this isn't a dream. It's real life!

And you know the shark has this. I mean, he eats the Golden Gate bridge and shit. I already can't wait for the sequel: Mega Shark vs. Vadge's Roidy-Cooze.

VIA SAYOR

File this under: News that will make Selma and Patty Bouvier's ash tray coochies combust in excitement!! The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that producers Raffaella and Dino De Laurentiis are tinkering with a big-screen version of MacGyver.

The producers are currently looking for a whore to write this future piece of Hollywood suckery.

This will only work if three things happen: 1) Richard Dean Anderson drops down to earth to play MacGyver again. 2) Will Forte co-stars as MacGruber, MacGyver's new sidekick. 3) Patty and Selma are the MacGyver girls who follow him around the world in bikinis. Besides, MacGyver is going to need one of their cigarettes to make a volcano or something.

If these three things don't happen, MacGyver should swoop in and make a bomb using the staples from the script and his spit to send to the evil doers in Hollywood.

And I'm still saving a special brew of Jenkem for when I'll have to deal with the horrific news that Hollywood will destroy the greatest TV show starring Scott Bakula: Quantum Leap!!! It's coming and it's going to hurt.

Jakey Gyllenhaal will finally get the chance to sing and dance his little girl heart out in a big gay musical! My asshole is blowing rainbow-covered bubbles in anticipation! Variety says that Jakey and Jim Carrey in the big-screen version of the Broadway musical Damn Yankees for New Line.

In case you don't take it up the butt, let me fill you in on what Damn Yankees is about. You see, some fat old slob named Joe Boyd who dreams of seeing the Yankees get beat by the Senators at the World Series. The devil appears and offers to make Boyd's baseball dreams come true in exchange for his soul. Boyd agrees and is transformed into the hunky piece of hot meat known as Joe Hardy, a slugger for the Senators. Boyd loves his new life but misses sis hag of a wife Meg. He starts to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Boyd is able to break the contract before the end of the World Series, so the devil sends a hot slut named Lola to try and seduce him into keeping the deal.

Jim Carrey will play the devil and Jakey will shake his nalgas as Joe Hardy. Yes, Jakey wearing a jock strap in the middle of a locker room filled with naked dudes. This shit is one step closer to realizing your dream of Jakey starring a hardcore gay porn. Damn YANK ME!

Basically, Charo was born to coochie coo as Lola. That role belongs to her. Or La Pequena.

I've been waiting for the perfect theatrical experience to drop acid too and now Universal has delivered! Variety says they have hired the dude who wrote Tropic Thunder to work on the screenplay for Candy Land: The Movie. This shit is a raver's wet dream come to life. We should all sell Ecstasy in a booths outside the theater. Early retirement!

True story. When I was a young gay, I actually wrote a short story based on Candy Land. Okay, it was really based around Queen Frostine only. The other characters were hardly in it. I mean, Queen Frostine is the best bitch in that game and I really wanted to be her. I ran around the house in a dress I made out of a shower curtain and plastic wrap thinking I was the damn frosty Queen of Candy Land.

They better not even think of fucking this up by casting Nicole Kidman. She's the easy choice since the ho is made out of ice already. It's 2009, so methinks they should rename her Queen Lucite and you know the rest.....

And Zac Efron is a fucking shoo-in for Princess Lolly. The role is his to lose.

Anybody who calls themselves a Brangaloonie should punish themselves today by going to see Marley & Me, because they have failed one of their gods! They should have been protesting outside of movie theaters with help of (SPOILER ALERT) these posters! Because they didn't do that shit Benjamin Button got his ass beat by Jennifer Aniston and her dog friend. HA! Marley & Me was the #1 movie this weekend with around $37 million. So far it has made $51 million in just 4 days. Benjamin Button came in at #3 with $27 million and a total of $39 million. Somewhere in the world Jennifer Aniston is texting Maddox with: "Suk on dat!"

I decided to go see that Benjamin Button shit on Friday, but only for Tilda Swinton. I would work the streets in a crotchless bikini made out of salami for Tilda, so I dropped $12 to support her ass. I should have left after her part and snuck into Marley & Me, because that shit was way too long. It was 3 damn hours! When my tub of popcorn ran out after the second hour, I knew I was in trouble. The story sort of reminded me of Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump without the delicious box of chocolates! Instead of chocolate we got an old creepy baby.

What surprised me the most about this weekend's box office is the fact that Tommy Girl's big gay Nazi movie made $21 million! Not 21 dollars, 21 million dollars! The fuck?! There must be a lot of whores out there who really hate themselves. That's the only reason I can think of on why a dumb bitch would spend their money on a 2-hour torture session. Either that or there's a ton of crazy aliens lovers out there.

The weekend box office from Dec. 26th to 28th looked like this:

1. Marley & Me - $37 million
2. Bedtime Stories - $28.1 million
3. The Curious Case Of Old Baby - $27 million
4. Valkyrie - $21.5 million
5. Yes Man - $16.4 million
6. Seven Pounds - $13.4 million
7. The Tale of Despereaux - $9.4 million
8. The Day The Earth Stood Still - $7.9 million
9. The Spirit - $6.5 million
10. Doubt - $5.7 million

Source

You know you've really made it when you're starring in a movie opposite a farting dog. The Jonas Brothers should clean off their shelves, because something tells me they are going to get many awards for their performances in "Walter the Farting Dog."

The movie is based on the best-selling books about a dog who has an asshole like Michael Lohan's mouth. It just won't shut. The Jonas Brothers will play the farts. No, they will play musicians and brothers (SHOCKING) who must care for the dog with the butt burping problem after their aunt passes away. This shit sounds like something that belongs in the fetish section of your local porn store.

Peter Farrelly of The Farrelly Brothers will direct. The farting begins next spring.

Papa Joe should get Jessica Simpson on the short list to play the title role. Well, she often brags about her ass queefing skills.

For the second weekend in a row, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" is the #1 movie at the box office with $17.5 million. It's made a total of $52.4 million. Damn. Stoners and screaming babies must really love this shit.

The end is near (see below), so people would rather be entertained by a singing chihuahua than a talking DiCaprio. It makes sense. Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe's new bore fiesta "Body of Lies" was no match for the dancing chihuahuas.

"Body of Lies" brought in $13.1 million, which was good enough for the third spot. HAH! My chihuahua laughs at the dude from "Titanic."

That horror movie that we've probably seen a million times "Quarantine" was the #2 movie of the weekend with $14.2 million.

I was tempted to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" this weekend, but I decided to wait until it shows up on my Netflix queue. That way I can see it from the comfort of my own bong. Besides, if I want to be entertained by a talking chihuahua, I just have to take a few dozen bong hits and stare at my own dog. We've seriously had some amazing and deep conversations while riding on the green cloud. He knows me better than anyone.

Here's the weekend's top 10:

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $17.5 million
2. Quarantine - $14.2 million
3. Body of Lies - $13.1 million
4. Eagle Eye - $11.0 million
5. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - $6.5 million
6. The Express - $4.7 million
7. Nights in Rodanthe - $4.6 million
8. Appaloosa - $3.3 million
9. The Duchess - $3.3 million
10. City of Ember - $3.2 million

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