Conor Kennedy Just Wasn't Ready For Love, Marriage, Babies And Waking Up To Heart-Shaped Pancakes Every Morning
iPhones lit up in homeroom and some students had to be pulled out of class for peer counseling (Side note: I was a peer counselor in junior high school, but I only did it so I could pull my chola friend and her boyfriend out of class and let them make-out behind the gym bathrooms while I drew pictures of cats on my notebook. FOREVER ALONE.) yesterday when everybody learned that Taylor Swift was not going to be queen at the Winter Formal this year, because she broke up with Conor Kennedy. Tears fell on a hundred paper bag book covers (that should be the title of a song). Radar says that Taylor and Conor's love didn't end because she realized that being with a dude for more than 2 months is bad for business. It ended, because the crazy bitch is seriously Kennedy-ized.
Some source says that Conor Kennedy is just a typical 18-year-old kid who's desperately, madly, crazy in love as long as his peen is hard. Then when it goes soft, he's back to being bored and wants to play Bad Piggies on his phone while lying on the big sofa in the family rec room. But Taylor is ready for marriage and ready for babies and wants all of those babies to have the last name Kennedy:
"Taylor is obsessed with the Kennedys and was living out a fairytale with Conor. But she was more obsessed with the idea of dating a Kennedy, than the actual Kennedy she was dating. Taylor is love crazy and loves living vicariously through other people's love stories. She sincerely wants to find the person that she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with. But unfortunately, she thinks every man that gives her butterflies is that person."
That last part. Does the source mean that figuratively or literally, because it makes sense both ways. But even though Conor has already gotten over Taylor by making out with the school slut Crystal (they're ALWAYS named Crystal), she's not giving up her Kennedy dreams and is not ready to assassinate Conor in a song just yet. TMZ says that Taylor is still planning to buy her perfect Kennedy Stalking Palace across the street from Ethel Kennedy's house.
Oh, Taylor. Didn't anyone tell her that you shouldn't settle down with a dude who says, "Can you go a little faster, I have pre-cal in 20 minutes," while you're giving him a good morning hand job.
You know how flaky a 12-year-old trapped in the body of a 22-year-old Strawberry Shortcake character is? One minute, she's trying to become a Kennedy by fucking on every Kennedy and the next minute she's over it and moving on to the next thing. UsWeekly says that after a couple of months of serious Kennedy stalking, Taylor Swift is done with the Kennedys, because she has broken up with 18-year-old Connor Kennedy. At least they'll always have Hyannis Port.... and the inevitable album she'll write about this mess.
UsWeekly's source says that TayNor isn't over, because the FBI threatened to arrest her for always kidnapping Conor Kennedy and forcing him to have tea parties with her yarn dolly collection in the replica of the Smurf Village she had built in her backyard. They broke up, because Taylor's too busy promoting her latest musical burn book:
"They quietly parted ways a while ago. It was just a distance thing. No hard feelings. They're fine. It's been over a month since they've even seen each other. With her promotion for Red, she has no time off until the end of the year."
What I'm taking that to mean is that when Taylor Swift recently tried to crawl into Conor's bedroom window in the middle of the night, Ethel Kennedy tased her ass and released the dogs on her. Taylor finally got the hint. Ethel Kennedy only said those nice things about Taylor, because she was trying to throw that boy-eating, squint-eyed country broom bitch up. No simple slut is going to write a song about HER grandson.
And I really hope Taylor Swift turns her Cape Cod mansion into a museum dedicated to the fall of the Kennedys.
Yes, it's true (no, it's not) that Taylor Swift pasted a picture of her head and Conor Kennedy's head over JFK and Jackie Kennedy in their wedding picture and she keeps that picture next to her princess canopy bed, but don't let that fool you. Taylor Swift is a Kennedy-stalking tramp ass slut who has a serious case of the delusions, because she obviously thinks she's Marilyn Monroe. Trick is trying to fuck all the Kennedys. If you came out of a Kennedy's poon, Taylor wants you in her poon.
A source tells Radar that on the outside it looks like Taylor's only got pink hearts in her eyes for Conor Kennedy, but the truth is she's seriously Kennedy-ized and will get on any member of the family. The source says that at a Kennedy family party recently, Taylor showed up with Conor Kennedy, but she secretly slipped away from him to make mouth love with 19-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger, the son of Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver. Conor doesn't know about it, but some of the Kennedys do and they're not happy. And when a Kennedy isn't happy with you, you in danger, girl. But Taylor is too dumb and squinty in the eyes to see that. The source said this:
"Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day, she was all over Conor, so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights! Taylor and Patrick weren't kissing out in the open, but she wasn't being as subtle as she thought she was. They [the family] think she's a hanger-on and find her obsession with the Kennedy cousins disconcerting Taylor lost the respect of everyone in the family. They despise her and don't want her anywhere near Conor or Patrick."
Taylor's rep denies all of this.
This is seriously the Nick Jr. version of that Bobby, John and Marilyn mess.
Taylor wants to become a Kennedy so bad that if Ethel Kennedy winked at her for some reason, Taylor would sit on her face in a minute. So if Ethel Kennedy doesn't want a mouthful of Taylor's crab apple, she better keep her eyes down at all times. Hell, Taylor would even hump on THIS Kennedy. That's how hard up she is.
Taylor Swift said goodbye to her 18-year-old boyfriend Conor Kennedy over a week ago, because she needs to promote her awful song and he has to go school supplies shopping since he's still in damn high school. Taylor left Conor in Hyannis Port and she took her wedding crasher ass back to Nashville. But Taylor must've realized that if Conor's left alone, the spirit of Little Edie might smack some reality back into his ass, so she sent a private jet to pick him up and bring him back to Nashville to be with her. I would say that the Kennedys need to try to get this tramp trollop of Walnut Grove on kidnapping charges, but then I imagined all the song she'd write in prison.
A source tells Page Six that Taylor is so hard up on Conor that she doesn't want to be away from him for a second and the two could elope any second now, “Taylor missed Conor so much, she sent a plane for him a few days later. He’s been with her ever since, and his family doesn’t know when he will be back. Things have become so serious between them so fast that no one in Hyannis Port would be surprised if they eloped. They are inseparable and are all over each other all the time. While his relatives really like Taylor, some feel their lovey-dovey behavior is cute while it has made others in the family feel a little uncomfortable.”
Taylor should just pull some Strangers with Candy shit and go back to high school to be with Conor. Then she can gaze at him during home room and squeal out heart-shaped farts from her mouth when she's named homecoming queen and he's named homecoming king. That's where Conor and Taylor's love belongs, behind closed high school doors. It doesn't belong in the real world with US adults (and yes, I typed that 10 minutes after searching eBay for Beverly Hills Teens on VHS). Taylor isn't dickmatized, she's Kennedymatized and that's worse.
FYI: Since this post is all about denials, I did not Photoshop that picture. I stole it from Taylor Swift's Pinterest (aka dreamboardsforgrownups.com) page.
Kyle Kennedy, the daughter of the late Michael Kennedy and the currently alive Victoria Gifford Kennedy, got married at the Fairmont Copley Plaza in Boston on Saturday, and her wedding was almost ruined by a certain cradle robbing, Kennedy-stalking, lemon-faced, Pollyanna ass yodeler. Victoria Gifford Kennedy tells the Boston Herald that one hour before the wedding, she got a text message from 18-year-old Conor Kennedy asking if he could come to the wedding and bring Taylor with him. Victoria texted back with the line humanity screams every time Chad Kroeger humps on Avril without a condom on: "Please do not come." Conor was invited, but never RSVP'd.
Conor and Taylor showed up anyway, and as soon as they strolled in, Victoria Gifford Kennedy got in their faces and told them to make like Taylor's maturity and split. They didn't. VGK said this:
"I personally went up to Ms. Swift, whose entrance distracted the entire event, politely introduced myself to her, and asked her as nicely as I could to leave. It was like talking to a ghost. She seemed to look right past me.”
But Taylor's rep tells both E! News and the Herald that her next hit single will be called "Liar Pants Vicky," because that trick in pearls is telling lies. Taylor was invited to the wedding and the bride even thanked her for coming. Yes, during the ceremony, Taylor pushed the groom out of the way to try to fulfill her dream of becoming a Kennedy by marrying Kyle Kennedy. But other than that, she behaved herself.
Fun fact: Victoria Gifford Kennedy is Frank Gifford's daughter and so Kathie Lee was at that wedding. She talked about seeing Taylor there on the Today show on Monday morning. So now Taylor Swift knows what it feels like to get kicked out of a wedding for being Taylor Swift while Kathie Lee Gifford is across the room, slurping champagne shots out of Frank's belly button.
STALKER ALERT. Because it is not at all strange, scary or smothering to superglue yourself to some guy you've been dating for all of two months, Taylor Swift has reportedly decided to take her summer fling with Conor Kennedy to the next level. Or more specifically, People, NBC News and basically everyone else is saying bitch bought a house right across the street from Conor's grandmother Ethel in the Kennedy compound.
While most people would be frantically spider-webbing their young naive grandson with POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape as red flags fly and sirens blare in the background, Miss Ethel and the rest of the Kennedy clan seem to be drunk on the Swifty Kool Aid (tastes like plain lukewarm tap water with waaaay too fucking much sugar).
From the Boston Herald: “She’s a great friend of all of ours,” Conor’s aunt, filmmaker Rory Kennedy, told reporters at the recent Television Critics Association confab. “She’s awesome and we love her.”
From Sweetas: PUKE.
I wonder if the Kennedy family will still think she's SUCH A DOLL when she turns the 1928 estate into a life sized Barbie Dream Home decorated with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony posters, hot pink ribbons and glitter markers. And there's something else that gives me cause for side-eye with all of this, I mean besides little miss spider turning Conor into a prey cocoon so soon while his damned family just stands there drooling on themselves and shaking their pom pons. Taylor's past bfs, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal have all been rumored to possibly at least sometimes, y'know, prefer the outies to the innies. I think you all get where I'm going with this.
Here's a blurry picture tweeted by @TheSwiftys of 22-year-old Taylor Swift a dude who is supposedly her 18-year-old high schooler boyfriend Conor Kennedy eating food with her parents at a restaurant in Nashville last week. That picture is so grainy that it almost looks like a painting. If you framed it with a mahogany frame and hung it in an art booth at the swap meet, it would look like Thomas Kinkade himself stroked all over it. It's so damn blurry if you told me it was really a picture of Mike from The Glass House (I can't believe I'm still watching that show), Debbie Rowe, Renee Zellweger and Kristen Stewart playing a game of chess with really strange-looking chess pieces, I'd say you were right.
E! News says that Taylor and her young Kennedy piece are still in Nashville and she's showing him all around her hometown since he took her around his hometown earlier last month. Even though Taylor and Conor have only recently went sort of public with the fact that they're hand holding under a willow tree and shit, rumors say that they've been together for longer than a quick minute and she Mary Kay Letourneau-ed him by dating him before he turned 18. They decided to make it public a day after his 18th birthday last month.
The source also said that things between Taylor and Conor Kennedy are so serious that they've already said "I love you" to each other. Saying "I love you" doesn't mean shit. When you're an 18-year-old boy and a 13-year-old fairy girl trapped in the body of a 22-year-old woman, you say I love you to everyone! The only way we'll really know if these two are serious about each other is if Taylor passes a note to Conor that reads "Do you want to go around with me? Circle yes or no" and he circles "yes" before passing it back. It's the only way.