Crackheads

Spreading the fuckery finally caught up with Katt Williams again. Two Sundays ago, Katt used a Rascal scooter and a three-wheeled motorcycle to terrorize Target and the streets of Sacramento. Katt might have gotten away with slapping down a Target employee, but he didn't get away with attacking a ho with a cue stick in Seattle yesterday. Will somebody please put this ragey troll toddler in a high-chair and stick a pacifier in his mouth after dipping it in lude dust and hash. Bitch needs to calm himself.

Katt was in Seattle for a show on Thursday and a show on Friday. Katt was a no-show on Thursday, and Friday's show ended with an appearance by the cops. Three of his (former) fans claimed he attacked their asses when they tried to get a picture with him. Katt claimed the fans broke into his dressing room. Nobody was arrested. But then on Sunday afternoon, Katt went wild at the World Sports Grille in Seattle.

E! News says that Katt got into a verbal fight with several people and when he was told to leave, he waved a pool cue at the bar manager. Katt then followed a family outside and as they got into their car, he launched a cigarette through a car window. The lit cigarette hit a woman right below her eye. Katt also threw a rock at the car. The police showed up, Katt resisted arrest and they eventually got him into handcuffs and dragged him to jail. Katt was booked for investigation of assault, harassment and obstructing police officers. Suge Knight, who is Katt's tour manager, bailed him out this morning.

Katt and Lindsay Lohan are seriously trying to beat each other's record. There's only one way to handle this. Tie a bag of the bad shit around Katt's neck, tie a bag of the bag shit around LiLo's neck and lock them in an empty room together. Close your eyes, cover your ears and wait until they snort each other up. Yeah, right. They'd probably bond over their mutual love of slapping and snorting, and become a two-headed Cracken monster that will destroy the world.

While shooting up together in his trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5 back in September, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan bonded the way all drunk messes bond while taking turns snorting a bump out of a call girl's b-hole. TMZ says that between filming, LiLo and Charlie hung out and she told him all of her problems including her problems with the IRS. LiLo owes the IRS almost $234k for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010. Since Charlie always has his Captain Save-A-Crack-Ho hat on, he offered to pay off LiLo's tax debt, but she refused. Future civilizations will refer to "LiLo turning down money" as the final sign of the Rapture.

You'd think that the dented metal memory cabinet in Charlie Sheen's head is filled with nothing but crack smoke, but apparently it isn't. Charlie remembered LiLo's problems with the IRS and last week he sent her business manager a charitable gift in the form of a $100,000 check. This time LiLo accepted his gift and used it to pay almost half of her IRS bill. Some source says that Charlie did it out of the goodness of his crack damaged heart and wants nothing in return. Uh huh.

TMZ also says that LiLo is going to make $2 million this year and who knows if any of that money went to the IRS. But why should LiLo send her money to the IRS when she can send Charlie's instead?   Obviously, Charlie didn't give LiLo that money for free and now every time he comes calling, she's gotta slurp on his perma-soft coke peen and slurping on his perma-soft coke peen is probably as boring as deep throating an overcooked fettuccine noodle. But she's done a lot worse for $100,000 (see: I Know Who Killed Me) and she can write off all the mind numbing substances she has to snort to get through an intimate moment with Charlie.

In case you were wondering, Charlie Sheen is still being Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is still keeping the economy alive by snorting a quarter ounce of coke a day, smoking crack, watching Internet porn all day and throwing thousands of dollars at high-priced pussy peddlers. A source tells Radar that Charlie is blowing through his Anger Management money in more ways than one.

The source says that for the past 8 months, Charlie has slipped back into his crackhead ways and is spending around $2,000 a day on the bad shit. Charlie's private drug dealer brings over a quarter to half an ounce of cocaine a day. Charlie sometimes snorts it, but since he's a lover of gourmet coke, he usually cooks it with baking soda in his bathroom and smokes it out of a pipe he made from a Fiji water bottle. Yes, Fiji. TRASH! Charlie needs to read this week's edition of GOOP, because GOOP says that only the poor smoke their drugs out of a Fiji water bottle. The rich only smoke their drugs out of $52 rolling papers from Sugar Paper or they smoke it out a pipe made from a Vittel water bottle imported from a recycling center in Toulouse.

When Charlie isn't inhaling the breath of a Lohan through a Fiji crack pipe, he's buying top shelf poon by the dozen. Charlie even has a favorite hooker and he loves her so much that he gave her the gift of a new vagina. The source says this:

"Charlie fancies one girl in particular and sometimes pays her a whopping $25,000 per night to be with him — and that's not all. This one girl that Charlie really likes had insecurities about her vagina so she begged Charlie to get her a vaginal rejuvenation surgery to make it prettier. And he did. He got her the surgery, and he also bought her a new car."

If you need a visual as to what an ugly vagina looks like, just look at that picture above again.

Charlie really is a saint for helping those with unfortunate chochas. That poor girl probably did whatever she could to revitalize her stale cookie. She hung one of those Little Trees air fresheners (scent: new twat) over her box and it didn't help. She put a new coat of paint on it. She refaced it. She even called HGTV's Holmes on Holmes for help, but nothing worked. Then the one-crackhead Make-A-Wish foundation for whores came along and answered her snatch's prayers. Since cheap ass Oprah isn't giving anything away for free nowadays, it's nice to know that Charlie is. You get a pussy! You get a pussy! And YOU get a pussy! Pussies for everyone!

Hundreds of thousands of people have been told to evacuate, an 11-foot wall of water is supposed to crash into Manhattan and millions of people are furiously searching the Internet while they still can for ways to make a satellite dish and TV out of tin foil and fish bones (because they can't miss American Horror Story on Wednesday night, DUH), but Lindsay Lohan wants everyone to stop bitching and crying about Hurricane Sally Jessy Raphael. (Don't hate Blohan for not remembering Sandy's name. You know how bad crackheads are at remembering anything.)

Right before LiLo, whose brain was destroyed a long time ago by Hurricane Cokey, begged Lady CaCa to pay attention to her, she told all of her followers to stop being so dramatic and use positive thinking to ward the hurricane away. I can see it now. There's LiLo, wasted out of her mind, sitting on her living room floor and rambling to the walls about how we can make the storm go away if we just THINK it away.

Hurricane Sandy is obviously a coked up, drunk mess herself, and Lindsay Lohan is made up entirely of vodka and coke granules, so can't we just tie her to the top of the Empire State Building as an offering to the storm? That's me thinking positively.

(Thanks to Deb and Jardley for sending this mess in) 

Mitt Romney's team is frantically writing a speech where he'll promise to allow stolen necklaces as a tax write-off for jooree thieves and give out "buy 1 8-ball, get 1 8-ball" free vouchers to cokies, because he might be close to losing the most important vote of the election! A little over a week ago, Lindsay Lohan said that she's voting for Romney, because she believes that jobs are really important right now. LiLo did have a point. Jobs ARE important. How do you think LiLo gets her daily supply of Adderall? Blow jobs! How do you think LiLo gets into all those fashion parties? Hand jobs! How do you think LiLo pays the guy from ConEd when he comes to her rented house to shut down her electricity due to non-payment? Rim jobs! Jobs really ARE important.

But just when we all thought that "Romney" would be the name LiLo spits up after EVERYONE asks her who she voted for (even though we know her ass isn't going to vote, because she'll show up to the polling place 4 days too late since her "walking pneumonia" acted up again), she flips shit around. During last night's Battleship game between Romney and Obama, LiLo live-tweeted her extremely important thoughts and Politico says she started off by re-tweeting (and then deleting) her support for Obama. And then LiLo got into it:

LiLo must've numbed her nerves with medical numbing ointment known as vodka, but she quickly got into the serious topics at hand including Obama saying that Romney's foreign policies are stuck in the 80s. (Side note: If Romney is stuck in the 80s, does that mean he's bringing back Beverly Hills Teens, because that'll get my vote.)

LiLo then asked Bill Maher to DM her. Bill probably thought that freebasing Glade scented oil gave LiLo a case of the typos again and she really meant to ask, "Would you please DP me?", because he didn't answer her.

LiLo then tried and failed to get Sarah Silverman to talk to her....

And then she said something to Vanity Fair:

Then LiLo ended the night by saying she's more nervous than the two dudes who are actually running for president:

Don't laugh at that tweet. Live-tweeting the last debate made LiLo's nostrils extra hongray for the bad shit, so she snorted up her entire stash and nothing fills a bitch with anxiety like staring at an empty Ziploc bag.

So not only are horses carrying bayonets extra sad today, but so is Mitt Romney, because he might've lost LiLo's vote. If Mitt wants to win her back, he better hand her a binder full of Vicodin right now.

Source: @thecrackhausoflohan via HuffPo

YES it is two Lohan posts back to back with another sprinkling of politics because annoying the shit out of people is fun!!! And then there's that slow news day angle, and I refuse to report on that Justin Bieber stolen video Twitter shit. Even a ho has standards.

Mitt Romney can finally quit lying awake at 3:00 am, clutching his teddy and staring at his ceiling tiles through streaming tears, wondering if he will get the oh-so-important nod of approval by Lindsay Lohan. The election gods have answered your prayers Mitt, and you have LiLo's support and vote. Probably, possibly, maybe. Mitt's camp must be thrilled.

E! Online (I know) says Lindsay was on the pink carpet at Mr Pink's Ginseng Drink Event (sounds like some really vigorous lesbian action, HOT) and while she was struttin' that ass she was asked who she was going to dangle her chad for.

She said "I just think employment is really important right now. So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now." Then she said "It's a long story."

It's nice to see Lindsay finally coming to terms with her future employment options and getting real about something. I guess.

So in totally not orchestrated to keep her non-working ass in the news news, Radar is reporting that the cat fight between Mother-Of-The-Year and her spawn (not Ali but what's-her-crack) was not over $40K that Lindsay allegedly gave her mom to pay the coke dealer gave her mother to keep her home out of foreclosure then tried to take back, but over REHAB!! Grab a cup of bitch, please, stir in a couple of spoonfuls of stfd and stfu and join me in trying to internalize this. (NOT LIKE THAT!!! Gross).

So Linds, as the story goes, got into it with her mom in a trashy free for all brawl that I wish someone would upload on youtube, not because of money but because Linds at 4am, after clubbing, decided the time was right to bring up her mom's need for weaning herself off the bad shit. I think I speak for everyone when I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Okay, first. When LiLo is checking your ass up, you have some major issues that are far beyond the free clinic's repertoire. I don't think they've created a rehab on this level of CODE 10 MAN DOWN WTMFF situation. Second, when you are throwing fists at your Mom/daughter on the front lawn and you don't live in a trailer, you have lost at life. I don't know who to feel sorry for here. Between Michael Lohan's release of the recorded conversation to Dina "kidnapping" her daughter to Lindsay telling her mom that SHE needs rehab (she does, but I mean come on. It's like a homeless man telling you to get a job), I guess I'll just feel sorry for all of us who have to read about this mess.

What would Dr. Phil say??? At least Scallywagandvagabond says they kissed and made up later. Collecive Awwwwwwww...wtf.

(Thank you M.E.!)

Because Lindsay Lohan had to remind everyone that she's the original fuck up, she got put into handcuffs at 2:30 this morning in NYC after she allegedly hit a 30-year-old dude with her Porsche Cayenne. When you hit someone with your car, you (who I'm assuming doesn't have White Oprah genes and brains made of coagulated coke balls) check to see if the dude is alright, give him a swig from the flask you keep between your titties and then scream for an ambulance if his ass needs one. But when Blohan hits a dude, she makes her passenger check to see if her SUV has any gross blood stains or whatever on it and then she just sashays into her hotel, because there's a line of the bad shit waiting for her in her room and she doesn't want it to get cold (or she didn't want to keep her john waiting). Let's all lubricate our tonsils with liquid caffeine and scream together now: THIS BITCH! The worst part of waking up is LiLo fucking up.

TMZ says that LiLo was trying to park her Porsche Cayenne near the Dream Hotel at around 12:30 this morning when she ran into the dude's knee. After LiLo ignored the dude and walked into the Dream Hotel, someone called the police. The Police put the freckled terror in handcuffs as soon as she walked out of the hotel two hours later. The dumbass was booked for leaving the scene of an accident and she was later released without having to pay bail. The cops gave her a desk appearance ticket. Surprisingly, the police don't believe that the sweet nectar was running through her veins when she nearly took a bitch out. The victim was taken to the hospital to be checked out, but he had no visible injuries.

LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace, so this latest act of dumb fuckery could get her a ticket back to court in L.A.

In related news, Amanda Bynes, SpongeBob and the rest of the Nickelodeon gang were seen outside of the hospital giving the victim a stack of money and thanking him for a job well done. That's what bitch gets for fucking with SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: 3
Mickey Mouse: ZERO!

And when asked for a comment, White Oprah said:

"This would've never happened if she was in New York!"
"But White Oprah, this happened in New York."
"....Your shoes look silly!"

The producers of Scary Movie 5 apparently didn't know that dealing with Lindsay Lohan is about as pleasant and soothing to the nerves as trying to shit in a public bathroom when the stall door lock is broken and you have to keep it shut with your hand. Everybody knows that trying to brush a shark's teeth with a baby toothbrush is easier than trying to deal with Blohan's messy ass, but the producers of Scary Movie 5 are still shocked and surprised that she's been a cracked out nightmare to work with.

Page Six says that LiLo is only in the movie for a few minutes and only needed to be on set for a few days, so things should've gone easy. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up, she missed rehearsal and didn't get on her flight to the set in Atlanta. LiLo said she had "walking pneumonia" and couldn't make it to the set, but a source says that she didn't want to make fun of herself and that's the real reason why she didn't show up. In the script, LiLo and Charlie Sheen make fun of themselves for being the human Hindenburg disasters of Hollywood. The script calls for LiLo to kiss on Charlie Sheen and she didn't want to do that either. The source explained it like this:

“Lindsay missed every meeting she had for the film, including script reads and wardrobe meetings. Then she missed her flight to Atlanta on Sunday to shoot the movie. The producers had been getting signs Friday that she was a mess, and would not be fit to work. She is under contract — so to get out of it, she had to prove that she was sick. She tried to prove she has walking pneumonia. She’s been locked up in her room at the Bowery Hotel. She’s been in a tailspin. Even Charlie Sheen worried she might not be able to do the scene.”

LiLo finally showed up after the studio threatened to sue her for breach of contract and sent a private jet to NYC to pick her up.

First of all, LiLo should want to suck on Charlie Sheen's gnarly warlock face, because do you know how many lines of the bad shit she can lick off his tongue? Second of all, "walking pneumonia" must be the delusional way of saying chlamydia and flaring coke sores. Third of all, the producers of Scary Movie 5 should've just stuck a hidden camera in her stolen suite at the Bowery and put that footage in the movie, because I'm sure there's nothing more hilariously horrific than seeing Blohan in her natural habitat. Fourth of all, we've been getting signs since 10 million Fridays ago that she is a mess.

Dlisted guest blogger extraordinaire Sweetas e-mailed me last night about Kleptohan's latest act of thievery and she totally called when she said that crackburglar will cry out, "It's in the black girl's twat!" Because TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is pointing her sticky finger straight at Suge Knight's son Andrew Knight. You're probably not reading any of this, because as soon as you saw that picture of Andrew Knight, you immediately turned around to let him see that thong.

LiLo has reached deep up into her ass and pulled out one of her old excuses by blaming the black kid. Andrew Knight was also at the all-night party at Sam Magid's Hollywood Hills home when $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses went missing. Sam apparently told the police that on the day of the theft, two of LiLo's friends, Andrew Knight and another dude, came up to him and handed him a bag with a few pieces of the stolen stuff wrapped in HER t-shirt. It gets better. When Sam and LiLo talked about the burglary later on, she told him that she hid some of his expensive stuff around his house, because she didn't want the thieves to steal more shit. LiLo doesn't really remember where she hid the stuff, because she was high on Ambien at the time. Sam also told the cops that her last words to him were, "I'm sorry. Please pray for me." 

After LiLo put the blame on Suge Knight's son, he denied it all and the cops believe him, because LiLo is still their main suspect.

I don't know whether LiLo is the dumbest bitch alive or the boldest bitch alive, or a lot of both. I'm going to go with the former, because she truly is the worst jewel thief of all-time. My abuelita's half-blind fat chihuahua who has IBS would've done a better job. Ambien + a house full of cracked out bitches + $100,000 worth of jooree lying around = the easiest jewel heist ever.

Bitch should've drugged everybody with the Ambien, stole all that jewelry while they were all knocked out, quickly hid the stuff where nobody will ever look (examples: White Oprah's panties or the drawer where her agent keeps her headshots and resumes) and then come back to the house to rub some random party guest's hand all over the soon-to-be crime scene before passing out with everybody else. It's not hard!

Maybe the realization that she sucks at thieving will fall into her head when Suge Knight hangs her over a hotel balcony.

(Pics via Pacific Coast News and Splash)