Crackheads

Mischa Barton's dealer should slip a Comfort Wipe into her stocking this Christmas, because it sounds like the slag could use some help. The Daily Mail says that the government check version of HoHan (that says everything right there) was kicked out of the bathrooms at Whisky Mist nightclub in London after she tried to bring a friend into the stall with her. The bathroom attendant immediately put a stop to the snortery. One source said, "Mischa looked really pissed off and embarrassed but her friend was fine about it."

Mischa didn't let that ruin her fun and she just shuffled into another stall, but her troubles didn't stop there. Mischa was taking too long, so that pesky bathroom attendant shouted at her to cut it short! The same source added, "At one point the toilet attendant had to knock on her door twice to ask if she was alright. Then her mate was knocking to check she was feeling okay. When she came out of the cubicle, she was complaining about people knocking on the door. She looked slightly worse for wear as she attempted to apply her make-up."

It's hard enough taking a piss in a public bathroom, but it's even worse with a toilet whore staring at you while tapping their foot (Larry Craig probably loves that shit). You feel like they are timing your ass and judging your pee pee skills if they don't hear tinkling. Poor Mischa probably ended up with a bunch of sugar in her eye, because she couldn't keep the spoon still due to dumb whores knocking on her door! The Comfort Wipe really needs to come out with a version for cokeyheads.

White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:

"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."

Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.

Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.

While I will never co-sign Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett in The Runaways biopic, I will say that this new "dyke on smack" mullet does wonders for her. It really accentuates the giant bags under her eyes and makes her veins really pop. I bet it looks really hot when she gets the shakes.

I feel like I could lay down with her on the hood of her El Camino parked in front of her double-wide. We'd share a Rum & Tab while discussing the meaning of Journey songs.

HoHan is over in London, stalking SamRo, snorting up the country's supply of the bad shit and melting down in clubs. Yeah, HoHan is one of those friends who has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a club while you're trying to get your drunk on. Buzz. Kill.

Dean Piper of the Mirror says he witnessed HoHan curl up like a ball on the floor of London's Club Cuckoo. How fitting.

According to Dean, HoHan sat at the table next to him with a vodka drink in hand while mumbling shit like, “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” It's called a K-hole, honey. Shake it off.

Somebody else who was there added, “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown. She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting. Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

Seemed like a girl on the brink?! How about a girl who is riding first-class on the speed train to self-destruction. White Oprah's got a little conductor hat on and shouting "CHOO CHOO!"

I know we've all screamed about this a million times, but is it really so hard for White Oprah and Michael Lohan to pull their heads out of their own cunts and sort their daughter out. During Christmas one (every) year, I got drunk like a Wino and was acting the fool in the worst kind of way. My mother immediately grabbed my drink, poured it down the sink and told me to go sit in the bath tub until further notice. Why can't White Oprah do that? Send HoHan to the tub!

And here's our little caged bird leaving a business meeting with Emanuel Ungaro in London last night. The leggings and spray tan entrepreneur is expected to be named "creative consultant" of Ungaro.....

I hope you're up on all your shots, because we're about to spend a little time with Dreamboat Doherty. You might want to hold your breath too...just in case. So, it feels like it's been forever since Dreamy took part in one of his favorite activities: getting arrested. Dreamy just loves the feeling of cold steel handcuffs around his wrists and a cavity search which ends in a half a dozen officers barfing up their innards. It's like Christmas times, so he thought he'd relive the magic for the ten millionth time.

This past Friday on a British Airways flight to Switzerland, Dreamy got out of his seat in coach, waltzed into the lavatory and got intimate with a hypodermic needle. I guess they had a wild ole' time, because Dreamy passed the fuck out right there. Flight attendants found him taking a little crack nap with the needle by his side. When the plane landed in Geneva, Dreamy was arrested, fined and released. He played a show that day and returned back to London the next.

A source at British Airways tells the Sunday Mail that they are investigating the incident and could ban Dreamy FOR LIFE.

They're not going to do that! It's all talk. I mean, how can you punish that precious face? It's like catching a toddler shooting up the wrong shit in the bathroom of an airplane. You would just shrug your shoulders, take away his toy, pat him on the head and tell him not to do it again. The same goes with Dreamy!

Whitney Houston's got a new album and Bobby Brown's got a new baby! I think we're supposed to do the doody bubble boogie for the first one and cry for the second one. Let's cuddle up to Whitney first:

KISS MY ASS' first album of music in seven years will be released on September 1st. That's all the information that the studio released. They didn't give up a title or say how many tracks she sang while on the wrong stuff. JOKES! As far as I know, Whitney has ended her long affair with the pipe. However, I think she's still kissing on Ray-J's deformed dick, so I'm not sure which is worse. Ponder for a second.

Now on to Bobby Beeeeeeeeee! While leaving a night club in Las Vegas last night, Bobby told TMZ that he's a father for the fifth time! Bobby's manager/fuck time partner gave birth to their son, Cassius, a few days ago.

That's nice and everything, but when are Whit & Bobby B going to get to work on the project everybody has been waiting for: Season 2 of Being Bobby Brown! Doody bubbles have been waiting to be popped! Just look at this remix FourFour did of the show. I know Whit & Bobby B aren't knocking it anymore, but the world of reality TV is depending on them to reunite for more fuckery. They really don't make 'em like this anymore.

Daisy de la Whora, star of Vh1's Rock of Love 2 and Daisy of Love, reportedly went a little overboard with an unknown substance. TMZ says that paramedics were called to a house in the Hollywood Hills last night for a "possible overdose."

When they arrived to help that trick out, Ducky Face apparently started acting the fool by screaming and thrashing around. Several medics had to band together to get her crazy and possibly drugged-out ass into an ambulance. Daisy isn't going to be back in party mode by this weekend, because her agent postponed all her scheduled appearances.

I think Daisy also might have overdosed a couple of days ago when she said this about Ambre winning Rock of Love 2 over her, "I don't think I can compare Ambre to Angelina Jolie, so no. I would be the Angelina Jolie, and she would be Jennifer Aniston!" Yes, the bad shit was definitely involved in the making of that comment.

Daisy is a piping hot plastic wreck. Do we need to send Heather to beat some sense into Daisy? Because Heather will put on her fightin' headscarf and do it all over again. Classic clip below:

You can't keep a good drunktard down! A couple of days ago, Wino collapsed in St. Lucia, because that's what she does on a daily basis. We call it "passing the fuck out," she calls it "taking a sweet sweep nap." And her spokeswhore calls it "dehydration." After Wino kissed the floor, she was taken to the hospital, but was released a quick minute later. The Sun says that Wino went straight from her IV drip to the bottle. Wino was seen replenishing her fluids at a bar at the Le Sport resort.

Well, it is a scientific fact that booze cures the thirsties, cleanses your organs, kills germs and makes baby kittens smile. So this is just what the doctor ordered! Speaking of, I feel like I'm going to need an Emergen-C-tini soon. This morning, I woke up feeling like I might have the sicks in a bad way. Don't say the OINK word.....

Here's the Crackie Kid showing off her moves with her bodyguard yesterday. Crack off, crack on!

What in two dollahs for a blow job Hell is going on in these pictures? I feel like I stumbled onto an escort's ad on Craigslist. I feel like the text "Naturaly...sweet hottie I'll give that 'ultimate experience' you'll never forget.. 100 Percent REAL PiCS.... 100 Percent ME! DONT MiSS OUT!! SIXTY 15 1HUNDRED HH 1FIFTY HR" should accompany these pictures.

These are some pictures of our little HoHan taken in a hotel room just before the FBI busted in and arrested her for solicitation. You can watch it all unfold on a special episode of Dateline NBC next week. No, HoHan posed like she was workin' it for an 8-ball just before she hosted a party at Tribe in Montreal. Hey, a bitch has got to make that money, I guess. Peddle that no-ass.

The paps say that while she was leaving the club, a dude grabbed her titty and then she fell on the floor. From starring in a movie with Jane Fonda to THIS? Get your exquisite lucite heels ready, HoHan. The Rock of Love Bus is about to pull up.

The island of Maui is still getting violated by HoHan and company. Yesterday, HoHan actually bathed herself in some tide pool with her sister Benjamina Button and other friends. HoHan also made friends with an island dog! Well, it was a one-sided friendship. Methinks he was just waiting for the greasy bone to stop moving so he could bite into it. Luckily, he didn't get his chance or he'd be spitting out dried crack fungus and fan tan smegma for the rest of the week.

I know I keep saying that HoHan looks like her diet consists of coke balls, Red Bull, nicotine and Juciy Fruit, but does she really look that beat? I mean, yes she's a crack hit away from looking like a post-Blaaaake Wino and I can count all her rib bones without my contacts on, but is it that bad? Take a good look. A good look...... Okay it is. Now I know why we eat food.

Here's more of my own, my love, my precioussssssssss in Hawaii.