Crackheads

Baby Ali's star spot at the Museum of Side-Eyes is threatened now that this hot trick shot Lindsay Lohan a priceless double shank eye of death that is making me pull out the empty BIC pen that permanently lives in my kitchen drawer and lick the tip so I can co-sign this immaculate side-eye. This is the best way to start a week!!!! It's like Baby Louis taught that premium side-eye thrower all the tricks to his trade.

And somebody call NOVE UNO UNO, because I speak fluent side-eye and that one definitely says: "Bitch, don't think you're being sneaky when I know very well that you're stealin' hand has just crawled into my purse and is trying to snatch my wallet." One looks says what a paper fan is trying to hide!

LiLo is not only in Milan to pull some thievery shit on unsuspecting Italian hos who might not know of her snatching ways, but she's also there for Fashion Week. LiLo sat front row at the Philipp Plein show last week and he was so hypnotized by her natural beauty (read: his senses were temporarily numbed after he got contact high from the coke dust she coughed up) that he cast her in his new ad campaign. Philipp told reporters during a press conference that LiLo is "authentic, she’s talented, she’s beautiful." Phillipp used way too many words to say: "I'm on fucking crack."

Here's a few pictures of LiLo busting out crime scene poses in the photo shoot for Philipp's (he's the one flashing what he's smoking) campaign in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Either the theme of this shit is "Faces (and Bodies) of Meth pin-up poster" or the computer used to touch-up these pictures will run out of Photoshop from trying to brush away her rough trade bruises.

Well, that's one way to get bed bugs off of a mattress via mass bed bug suicide. Throw a Lohan on it!

According to Radar, Lindsay Lohan has to show her drunk melted face in an L.A. court room on October 17th for a progress hearing on how much of a dent she's put in the 480 community service hours Judge Stephanie Sautner ordered her to complete for pleading no contest in that jooree snatching case. If Blohan's community service sentence was a crack rock (street name: sea jasper), she would've only smoked a sliver of it. A source says that LiLo has done 60 of 380 community service hours at the Downtown Women's Center and has completed zero of 100 community service hours at the L.A. County Morgue.

Some hos might see this as another symbol of how this LiLo keeps ass fucking the blindfold right off of Lady Justice, but the Lohans see this as the glass being half full of whiskey. ("It isn't half full anymore. I dranks it." - White Oprah).

LiLo's lawyer and her other advisers are telling her that she needs to complete more hours of community service before the hearing. Naturally, LiLo responsibly responded to their pleas by buying a ticket to Italy for Milan Fashion Week! As Florence sends Milan the tanker truck full of antibiotics they sprayed their streets with after Jersey Shore terrorized their city, the source said this to Radar about LiLo's community service situation:

"Lindsay has completed about 60 hours at the Downtown Women's Center. Lindsay hasn't done any time at the morgue. Lindsay has completed her shoplifters awareness class but is falling behind on her other commitments.

Lindsay's team is telling her she needs to log significant time to show the judge that she is working towards completing her hours, but she is ignoring them. Lindsay's rationale is that she has a year to complete the service, so she isn't concerned about it right now. The judge has told Lindsay in the past that she will not accept any excuses whatsoever for her failure to complete her community service, period. If Lindsay was smart, she would work to get those hours done."

Saying "If Lindsay was smart" is just like saying "If my asshole had a clit." Community service is just another orange parking cone to LiLo.

When bitch's progress hearing day comes, she'll argue that she did complete all of her community service hours, thankyouverymuch. While in New York, LiLo counseled elderly coke hyenas (see: LiLo face humping White Oprah) and single-crotchedly rid Manhattan of the bed bug epidemic (see: picture above). And LiLo proved she's serious about her sobriety by throwing a cocktail at a trick instead of drinking it. How can Judge Stephanie deny those selfless acts?

Besides, what is the judge really going to do if LiLo doesn't complete her community service? Throw her in jail? The world would throw itself into the sun to stop all the laughter if that happened.

Here's the delicate flower working it like a toothless Hookers at the Point pussy peddler (never forget School Teacher) during a photo shoot with Uncle Terry.

There definitely is a more creative and wittier headline out there (and it isn't coming from me), but that's the first thing I said out loud when I brought up these gorgeous portraits from the gutter. Then I went to pee (which stung, by the way, and I blame these pictures), sat back down and thought the same thing again. I was about to type "Look At What The Cat Dragged In," but that would've been factually incorrect on every level. I know some dirty skanky alley cats who consider a pigeon's anus as a meal and even they wouldn't put their mouths on either one of these bumbling busted bitches. It's like Courtney Stodden took her Dorian Gray portrait out for a 40. You decide which is which.

If you were in the Meatpacking District in Manhattan last night and were wondering why flies riding roaches riding rats were galloping through the streets in hoards headed uptown, it's because the living embodiment of Grey Gardens for the crack whore set came out to party. Just a mess. Lindsay Lohan looks like she's a shot away from spiraling into a drunk coma right there on the street while dumb-eyed White Oprah is too blinded by the fame to care.

LiLo: Um. Mom? The tequila went straight to my legs and turned them into worms. I'm just going to go mimi times on these strange looking tiny grey pillows.
White Oprah: HOLD ON TO YOUR 8-BALLS, BOYS! BAM! YES! BOOM!
LiLo: No, seriously, why is that man in a black hood carrying that thing the Grim Reaper carries winking at me?
White Oprah: THE NAAAAAAME ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS IS GONNA BE...WHITE OPRAH!
LiLo: Where am I? I see a bright light.
White Oprah: IT'S THE CAMERAS, BABY! FLASHING FOR ME...I MEAN...US. SPARKLE, KITTEN, SPARKLE!"

Seriously, White Oprah is Lucifer in Chinese Laundry heels.

That being said, White Oprah has never looked hotter. Well, her look is very "tired Regan-era call girl who got demoted to the morning shift but still shows up to the hotel bar at 8pm on Saturday night like she's prime shit."

And LiLo might look like she's about to pass out, but apparently she got some energy when she got inside the V Magazine party at The Boom Boom Room. This happened:

@womensweardaily Women's Wear Daily
Lindsay Lohan just threw a full drink at a boy at V magazine party who dared to snap her pic. #NYFW
11 hours ago via web

The boy was a photographer for V Magazine who added this (via ONTD):

@JasperRischen Jasper Rischen
Wow. Lindsay Lohan is as trashy as they always say. She threw drinks and glasses to me as we tried to take a shot for @vmagazine. C.u.n.t.
11 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

And then this happened:

@Styleite Styleite
And now people are bleeding at the @vmagazine party. Not sure what's going on, but it's at Lindsay Lohan's table.
10 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

To clarify: girl left in an ambulance but looked OK. FDNY were calm, took their time. Didn't look like a suicide attempt, just an accident.
9 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

Yup, still got it!

Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan was already lying at the bottom of a mountain of pathetic desperation, the moronic duffel bag of clearance bin coke grabs a shovel and digs even further.

While watching Chris Brown beat the stage at the VMAs, Blohan felt the urge to subtlety purge about her horniness for Urkel Turner by blowing him a Twatter wink:

@ChrisBrown killed it. #MTVVMAs

@chrisbrown wanna meet?

All the used kitty litter Blohan snorts when she can't afford an 8-ball has eaten every bit of dignity she had left, because bitch doesn't even give a fuck anymore. Yes, most of us scream our faces off about how this dumb fuck needs to get some sense beaten into her, but I don't think this is what we had in mind. Speaking of that, Blohan is going to be extremely disappointed when she finds out that the kind of fisting she gets into is not the same kind of fisting Chris Brown gets into.

Just looking at Charlie Sheen's face makes me want to baste my eyeballs in crack smoke, but I guess Brooke Mueller is willing to take that chance. Charlie's ex-wife Brooke Mueller is trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and apparently she's doing well, so what's the next logical step for her to take on the road to sobriety? Go to Mexico with the crackhead who tried to stab her face off, of course!

The dehydrated warlock who was mummified with strips of turtle jerky tells TMZ that Brooke is doing so well in rehab that he's rewarding her by taking her on a trip to Mehico this weekend. One of the definitions of "not end well" in the dictionary of truth is: "crackhead leading a crackhead to Mexico..."

Charlie tells TMZ that Brooke has been "busting her ass with the boys, and [she's] more sober and healthy than I've ever seen her." Charlie is making it his mission in life to get her completely cleaned up and free of crack cravings.

Brooke must still be crack damaged in the brains if she's getting on a plane and going on a trip with a sleazy-eyed skeeze bag who always has a look in his eye like his head just birthed a bad intention. Did Brooke not learn anything from that sad Robyn Gardner story?

But I wish Brooke and Charlie were going to Thailand instead. Then they'd meet a hot Australian dude (played by Daniel Lapaine) who secretly hides a stash of heroin in their bags and they get caught by airport security on their way to Hong Kong. They're immediately jailed for 33 years, but Charlie eventually feels bad for all the shit he's done to Brooke so he takes the fall. Brooke is released and Charlie has to spend the rest of his days in a Thai women's prison listening to that fucking awful Sarah McLaughlin song over and over again. That is how this should end.

What am I talking about? That would never happen. Hiding heroin from those two is like hiding fuck-ready dick from a Portlander!

Brooke Mueller took a break from trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and stopped by Charlie Sheen's mansion on Sunday to stick her nostrils in his carpets hoping that she'll snort up something good. No, in an effort try to get clean Brooke played happy family with the dehydrated warlock and their twins. Brooke and Charlie are usually brawling like two toothless whores fighting over the last bit of crack dust on a broken light in a Super 8, but they put the hate on pause for the sake of their blond tiger cubs. Charlie gave this precious picture to TMZ and said "harmony is our goal. Sunday was a wonderful start." When Brooke graduates from rehab, Charlie plans to move her into a house near his mansion to parent their kids together.

Yes, Charlie and Brooke both have the same looks on their faces as a couple of methed-up crazies who stumble up to you in the parking lot of a Walmart to make a "fair trade" by giving you their toddlers in exchange for what's in your wallet and that bottle of ANTIFREEZE in your trunk, but they're trying.

And yes, I only typed the word "ANTIFREEZE" in all Kanyes to distract Charlie and Brooke with all of the freebasing possibilities while their toddlers sneakily crawl to a safe place where they can be raised by that half-eaten Twizzler.

Fishsticks Paltrow tells Johnathon Ross (via The Mirror) that if you put a can of Easy Cheese (or Slut Cheese as I call it) and a crack pipe in front of her and asked her to choose one, she'd make like Whitney Houston and let the white ghost in.

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."

If Fishy's trying to get every crack dealer to change their occupation to spray cheese dealer, it's working. Of course, Fishy's crack comes from her private crackmonger Lionel who makes it with organic coca leaves from a small South American tribe you've never heard of and cooks it in a wood burning crack oven in his backyard. And when Fishy's not smoking crack out of a hand blown pipe from Portugal, she's boozing it up!

“I drink constantly while I’m cooking. Wine, either color."

While cooking up crack, I'm sure.

And now to stop my eyes from rolling (Yes, I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's my only skill.) after reading this insufferable bitch's words of pretension, I'm going to need to smoke dried squirt cheese out of a crack.

(Thanks Allen)

Okay, so you've all been warned that Jacko and I are guest blogging this week so MK can have five minutes without us breathing down his neck (not like that sucios!!). This is your chance to bail. For the three of you that stayed, may I present the GODDESSLESS Charlie Sheen for your shredding pleasure.

According to TMZ, Charlie is not #WINNING today. Chuck's last goddess standing, Natalie, quit that bitch last week. I guess she got tired of propping up his cokey peen with popsicle sticks and duct tape, packed her toothbrush (yeah like that ho knows what hygiene is but just play along) and got the fuck out. She tried to peel out all dramatical like, but Charlie made her hand over the keys to the Mercedes he bought her. Ooooh, who's to the left to the left now Natalie??

Charlie's not crying in his crack pipe though. He spent that very night with three women from three different countries. He either wanted the International Special or those are the only three bitches in the world who don't have internet access. So any of you who have no standards, acne, a love for the bad shit, at least 3 STDs and aren't much to look at can apply at iwannafuckchuck@noselfesteem.com.

While looking like a 40-something morning shift stripper holding court in the club's alley way with a few of her regulars and her dealer, Lindsay Lohan mourned the loss of her freedom by throwing a rooftop house arrest barbecue at her at-home prison in Venice, CA yesterday afternoon. Run your tin cup along the bars and let out a wail for the suffering of Blohan!

While other criminals get to luxuriate in 1-ct thread sheets and government soap, LiLo has to drink vodka cranberries and climb two whole sets of stairs to her rooftop to give the paps one of her signature OMGICANTBELIEVE nip slips. And when LiLo drops the soap, she doesn't lift her head to find a butch pussy in front of her. How does she endure? Stay strong, LiLo! You only have 2 more weeks of this inhumane suffering!

And the California Justice System must be one masochistic motherfucker since they obviously love it when LiLo slaps them across the face by doing shit like this.

26-year-old Randon Reid was arrested in Deer Valley, Arizona this past weekend and it wasn't for scaring the public by making a "Beavis on the wrong kind of crack" face. Randon was arrested after he shot at a private plane at Deer Valley Airport. At least, police say he fired at a private plane, but Randon would probably tell you that he shot at a flying dinosaur who stole his stash of smile powder. I mean, that is definitely a face that meth and coke built together.

MyFoxPhoenix says that Randon drove away after the solo shootout, but the cops got a good look at his license plate number and later arrested him at his home. Randon was booked on aggravated DUI and felony flight charges. And Randon was obviously happy about this shit, which is why he's smiling like a piranha staring at dangling feet.

The most disturbing part is that my kindergarten picture is almost identical to this meth (I meant to type "mess" but "meth" makes more sense) of a mug shot. Yeah, in kindergarten, nobody taught me that when it comes to smiling, less is less crazy looking.