In case sepia filters haven't completely humped your last nerve raw, here's a bunch of pictures from Amber Tamblyn and David Cross' weekend wedding that Questlove Instragram'd. I knew their wedding would look like some serious mountain hippie shit, but this is just beyond. This is the most hipster-ish episode of Little House on the Prairie I've ever seen.
Amber wore a simple yellow dress and before walking barefoot down the dirt aisle, she showed up to the ceremony in a canoe. A CANOE! As Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and the Traveling Pants watched, Amber and David summoned the forest creatures of Upstate New York with their love by exchanging vows. When the officiant asked for the rings, two birds carrying wedding bands made of twigs flew in and dropped them in Amber and David's hands. Then after they were pronounced husband and wife, a herd of deer galloped behind them as butterflies dropped cherry blossom petals above them. Then at the reception, they danced on mud to tambourine music before falling against a giant tree to eat blood oranges and share a jar of homemade strawberry wine. Then after the sun went down, a naked and dirt-covered Sienna Miller crept out of the forest to dance, dance, dance around the fireflies, because that shit wasn't already boho enough.
And I actually like their stuffed animal cake. I knew those two were Furries!
I used to think that the chick from Joan of Arcadia (better known as the daughter of Riff from West Side Fucking Story) and Tobias from Arrested Development were about as random as Dionne from Clueless endorsing Mitt Romney or Nancy Reagan getting into a staring contest with a goose made out of Jell-O. But then when Amber Tamblyn trolled the hell out of Tyrese, they suddenly made sense to me. They're that couple who always makes your eyes roll into the next table when they make inside jokes during dinner and I bet when Amber gives David Cross the mustache during oral love, he puts his glasses on and starts talking like Ned Flanders. THAT couple.
Well, People says last night, THAT couple promised to love, cherish and always make Ned Flanders voices during coochie eating. 29-year-old Amber Tamblyn married 48-year-old David Cross after being together for around 3 years. This is both of their first times at trying to tame the rabid bitch that is marriage. Yo La Tengo played at their wedding and director Lance Bangs (that's a hot name) Instagram'd this picture of Amber snorting up David's neck sweat while they slow danced in front of a stage decorated with a duvet cover.
People basically has zero details in case you cared about details, but I think the only thing any of us should care about is whether or not David Cross wore cut-offs. Oh, and whether or not he snorted a drop of the bad shit under Amber's dress during the ceremony.
Rooney Mara's Publicly Shitting On Past Jobs Club just found a new member in David Cross. David Cross was in all three Chipmunks movies and tells Indiewire that the last one nearly sucked the life out of his being and left him cursing Alvin's name.
"This last film was literally, without question, the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had in my professional life. It’s safe to say I won’t be working with some of those people ever again. Not the actors. And the director [Mike Mitchell] was great. We got along. There were a couple of people, though…it was just a really awful, unpleasant experience."
Which isn't to say the entire 'Chipmunks' experience has been rotten for him. "I got recognized in China," he says, listing off the places 'Chipmunks' has taken him. "I got recognized in a teeny tiny town in Mozambique. In Zimbabwe. Botswana. It’s crazy."
What does David expect from some shit called CHIP-WRECKED?! Chip-wrecked is what you get when you snort crushed Lay's and freebase Ruffles grease, it shouldn't be the name of a movie. Nothing good can come out of a movie named Chip-Wrecked. That sounds like the name of Satan's yacht. David should've recognized this and pretended that he suddenly developed an allergy to chipmunks that is so severe that he can't even act with imaginary ones or he'll hack up pus-filled hive balls. It's David's own fault and he needs to shut his WAH WAH WAH hole with all the money he made off of that shit.
And I wonder who he was talking about when he said "a couple of people, though..."? Alvin and that know-it-all cunt Simon, right? They look like total douche holes.