Drama School Theatrics

The Summer's Eve Douche Death Match between Justin Timberlake and Kanye West went into round 2 last night on SNL when Justin grabbed Kanye's kilt and dragged that trick's ass along the floor for talking shit about "Suit & Tie."

At his show in London last month, Kanye Kardashian fired the first shot during one of his eye roll-inducing rants when he said, "I got love for Hov, but I ain't fucking with that 'Suit & Tie.'" Coming from a trick who's fucking with a Kardashian, that's a compliment. So Justin should've flipped his head the other way and ignored Gay Fish, but since he can't resist a good old-fashioned douche off, he fired back last night. While performing "Suit & Tie" with Jay-Z (click here if you need to see it), the Robin Thicke impersonator sang out this lyric:

"My hits so sick/Got rappers acting dramatic."

This beef is nowhere near as entertaining as LaDouche vs. Baldwin, but I still love it when two catty queens try to yank the plugs out of each other's asses. I'm sure Kanye will come back and try to slap the Dark & Lovely out of Justin's hair. I'm not on Team Gay Fish and I'm not on Team Timberlake, but I still can't wait for their next meeting in the ladies room.

Here's some pictures of Justin and Jessica Biel outside of the SNL after-party last night and also some pictures of Jessica trying to stir up the pregnancy rumors by wearing some maternity shit yesterday afternoon.

Well...except for his bodyguard, because dude is obviously picking the Biebs up and putting him in the time out corner. No juice for you, Bieby!

I guess posing topless for the Beliebers was just the medicine Justin Bieber needed, because it looks like he has fully recovered and is back to bringing some hood rat stuff vengeance on the tricks who try to screw with him. TMZ has a hilarious video of the Biebs puffing his tiny chest while trying to beat up a pap in London today. After Justin sashayed out of his hotel, he pushed up against a melodramatic pap while making his way to a van. The pap knew that the easiest way to make a grouchy toddler even grouchier is to egg him on, which is exactly what the pap did.

Justin jumped inside of the van, but he obviously heard the pap shouting shit like, "Fuck off back to America, you little fucking moron," because he jumped out and threatened to take the pap down. The Biebs screamed at the pap, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you," before his hot bodyguards picked him up like the 15 pound baby he is and dropped him back in the van.

Just like I do whenever I watch Henery Hawk try to get gangsta on Looney Tunes, I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed while watching Justin Bieber try to fight a bitch. The Biebs is about as threatening as a baby lamb's saliva bubble. The Biebs couldn't even beat the fuck out of my broken Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. If Justin's bodyguards weren't there to hold him back, bro, the pap could've easily handled that situation. When Justin Bieber comes at you, all you have to do is hold your hand against his forehead and roll your eyes as he furiously punches the air.

But his people should've known this was going to happen. Everybody knows how cranky toddlers get when you wake them up from a nap.

"Lindsay Lohan is psychotic" replaced "water is wet" as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson's British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.

The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn't a euphemism for pussy bumpin'. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn't going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.

"Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.

I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home."

This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn't screaming, because she's so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter's old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.

This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:

Morrissey tells JuiceOnline.com (via Billboard) that after being in the music business for 30 years, his body is no longer the willowy reed of pure sex that it once was and so he's going to officially retire at the decaying and decrepit (served in a bowl of warm sarcasm) age of 55. Morrissey name dropped Syria in his resignation letter, because it wouldn't be a Morrissey quote if he didn't inject a little political shit into it.

"I am slightly shocked to have gone as far as I have. This is my 30th year, and I've aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone. The body changes shape and there's nothing you can do about it. Do I continue as a modern day Andy Williams? I take one hour at a time. We will all probably be blown up by the Syrian government soon, anyway, so it hardly matters in the great scheme of things."

What in the hell kind of GD retirement excuse is that?! Morrissey is going to retire because his sciatica is acting up and he doesn't think the scent of BenGay belongs at a rock show? What bullshit. Iggy Pop performed at Ramesses II's Diamond Jubilee and he's still swinging his saggy chest sacks on stage today. Steven Tyler's bones are being held together with mummy tape dipped in Elmer's and he doesn't let that stop him from performing. But Morrissey is too delicate to go on? This isn't how Morrissey is supposed to quit. Morrissey is supposed to quit over some stupid shit like an audience member in the front row sipping non-vegan beer at one of his shows. Morrissey will gasp, throw the back of his hand over his forehead, arch his back and jazz walk stage left as the lights dim to a slow cue and a red velvet curtain drops. That's how a melodramatic queen goes!

Whatever. I'm okay with Morrissey retiring from music as long as he's not retiring from saying crazy ass shit.

Lady Gaga (the "lady" part is up for discussion) was spotted out in Paris shopping sans Underoos once again says Hollywood Rag. Bitch, put some pants on. That being said, I'm glad she's helping the local economy and hopefully buying some stuff to cover that shit up while she's at it. Come to think of it though, maybe she had lots of panties and they all put on their Nikes and drank the Kool-Aid to willingly go to the next level. I can't say I blame them.

You know, I'm not a prude (more of a total ho really) but I have to say I'll be glad when this no pants / leggings count as pants phase of our fashion history is over. My mama was always like "make sure you have clean underwear on!" meaning UNDER my clothes, so I just can't with this trend. Why is it always the people you don't want to see doing that shit that are doing that shit?? Charlize, baby, you are welcome to support the no pants phenomenon at your leisure. I'll wait. People of WalMart, please sit the fuck down.

On another note, MTV.com says she and Justin Beiber are the front-runners for charitable celebs this year. So maybe she just donated all her lingerie to the needy? Gaga is a giver like that. Don't mind that the crotchless panties all started out with crotches. They did not melt away or off themselves, she cut them out. Just believe that and don't think about it too much.

ETA I have no idea how this ended up under Crumbs. I blame Al Gore as the inventor of the internetz. #notmyfault

As you already know, Kim Jong Kardashian died while fighting a USA-made Godzilla robot on the North Korea border over the weekend and the entire country took to the streets to publicly melt down over the loss of their leader. I really haven't seen a dramatic, open-mouthed, tumbling of raw emotions like this since Nicole Shitsinger killed Rachel Crow's dreams on The X-Factor. This is what it looks like at the Scientology Center when the men's wet sauna is temporarily closed for maintenance (aka jizz balls caught in drain again). This is also what the Dlisted comment section looks like when I slobber out another post about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper.

Since the crazy is all these people have known their entire lives, this seems pretty authentic to me, which is a whole new level of scary. But because this aired on North Korean State Television (aka Asia's version of TLC), some people are saying this wailing flash mob was staged. If it was staged and these North Koreans are acting, then we need to send every Kuntrashian over there to learn from these masters how to properly bust out a fake dramatic cunt meltdown. Or just send the Kuntrashians anyway.