Get The Q-Tip

While Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis shuffled around like two miserable blobs in sweatpants, Demi Moore shook her ass to "Buss It Wide Open" on top of a rattan ottoman next to a pool at a resort in Tulum, Mexico! While Ashton and Mila stared at each other across the eating table while slowly chewing their dinner of rubbery fish, Demi shook a can of Corona, opened it up and then sprayed beer all over her tits for the boys! While Ashton and Mila had missionary sex during commercial breaks for Nightline, Demi wore out her cougar coochie by hopping on young dick after young dick. Yes, Demi is getting it and how!

Some source tells Star (via Radar) that Demi spent Christmas week at a weight-loss bootcamp in Tulum, Mexico. The source says that the bootcamp was held at a fancy resort and usually successful women in their 30s and 40s go there to get spiritual and shit, but Demi went there to get some peen. One guest said that Demi brought many a young dude back to her room and woke up the entire resort with her loud cougar cries of ecstasy.

“Demi was clearly after younger men on this trip; they were all about 28 to 33. There were three or four older guys staying at the resort, fifty-plus, and I don’t think she talked to them at all.”

Demi is obviously just following Mexico's official country motto: "Don't Drink The Water, But Do Ride The Young Dick."

The source (who is probably a 50-plus dude) also said that Demi wanted everybody to call her "Topper."

"Demi wanted to be addressed by the name 'Topper,' an esoteric reference to a 1937 Cary Grant film in which a man lives his life to the fullest. Demi almost came across as, I wouldn’t go as far as to say bipolar, but up and down. Her back-and-forth behavior just kind of killed the mood.”

Topper didn't come from a Cary Grant movie. Topper is what Ashton used to call Demi whenever he wanted her to peg him. And this source sounds bitter. The source shouldn't hate Demi just because they were on a weight-loss vacation and she was on a dick-gain fuckation. They should know that it's always spring break in Demi's world.

Oh, RiRi, I can't quite see your bits. SLUT FAIL. This is a picture Rhianna tweeted of herself on her weekend in Barbados.

TMZ has more pics, and you can check them out. The point is that RiRi is more fabulous and has less class than the rest of us!! Thank you RiRi, for both your love of being half nekkid and your dedication to making me feel like a true lady in comparison. It takes a lot to upstage me, and I bow low in your slutty wake.

So today, my mom got onto me for being all about Dlisted and not about my kids at Christmastime. Looking at these pics of RiRi, I don't feel so bad. Sorry Mom. And sorry kids, you will have to deal with EVERYTHING YOU WANTED PLUS SOME on Christmas morning. But at least I don't have my ass hanging out for the world to see. You're welcome, kids.

Try not to hate as you try and fail to reenact this glorious moment for your S.O. Leg zit sold separately.

Jennifer Aniston can finally take "Single Ladies" off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. "You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!" And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren't fireworks from Jen's chocha. No, it's a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters' heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses' minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I'm not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don't freak out,that's right, I said I have no shade. It's okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven't had it in awhile.

In that picture above, is John Travolta making an "over-the-shoulder two-handed handjob" pose or a "Hooray for me for getting it DP-style" pose? Or is he grossed out because he just realized he made a vagina with his hands? Process that through your brain and we'll discuss later.

The masseur who opened up the unlocked, glass Pandora's Box of John Travolta's man molesting ways has come up to the podium to shrug while saying, "Ooops!" John Doe #1 first claimed that John Travolta grabbed at his peen without an invitation on January 16, 2012 at the Beverly Hills Hotel. But after John Travolta's team pulled out completely suspect pictures, a receipt from. Mr. Chow and flight records proving that he was in NYC that day, John Doe #1 says he got the date wrong. More like John D'OH! #1.

A source tells Radar that John Doe #1 is now claiming that John Travolta touched him wrong BEFORE January 16th.  The source says that John Doe #1's lawyer will amend the lawsuit, but every other detail in the documents will stay the same. John Doe #1 and his lawyer aren't worried that this will screw up their case. The source went on to say:

"The lawsuit will likely be amended, but this doesn't change the facts of the lawsuit. John Doe #1 gave very specific information, and staff from the Beverly Hills Hotel will absolutely be included as witnesses in the case. Let's not forget John Doe accuser #2. It's very interesting that Travolta's team hasn't gone after him. 

This case will absolutely proceed through depositions and to a trial. The lawsuit can't and won't be thrown out because the date was wrong by the first John Doe, which will ultimately be up to a jury to decide. Both accusers are ready to go public, and aren't afraid of John Travolta, and they will see this through to the end."

If you're suing John Travolta and a multi-million dollar settlement is on the line, how in the sore on Xenu's taint can you mess up the date? John Doe #1 says John Travolta found his ass online and they e-mailed back and forth, so wouldn't that shit be in his Gmail or whatever? Either John Doe #1 is a confused ho who really mixed up the date, he's scamming a trick or he's already settled with Travolta and part of the deal is for him to slowly discredit himself. Yeah, that last one is the Detective La Toya in me poking out.

In other Trollvolta news, a third dude who has come forward claiming that John tried to pay him for sex  in 2009. Fabian Zanzi tells The Daily Mail that he was a VIP host on a Royal Caribbean cruise and John hugged him while naked before offering to pay him $12,000 for some peen-on-prostate action. Fabian turned him down.

Never mind that John was trolling for dick on a Royal Caribbean cruise like a regular, middle-class closeted husband from the suburbs, who turns down $12,000 for a few minutes with John Travolta? I swear, morals and standards are so overrated. John needs to work on his trolling skills, because it sounds like his butt hole is always barking up the wrong peen. Every trick I know will gladly stick his peen in the glory hole in John Travolta's closet door for $12,000. Hell, those whores will do it for $12 and an autographed Danny Zuko glossy.

Here's Prince Hot Ginge making what some would call the "Ginge on a Cross" or "King of the Ginges" pose, but what I call the "imaginary blowjob and double finger bang" pose, because I'm romantic like that. PHG stretched and flexed with Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt in Jamaica this morning as part of his royal tour to up the production of panty pudding in the Caribbean.

You know, earlier I was at my favorite place on the Internet, The Daily Fuckery, and read some of the comments people made about this blessed event. A few people said that PHG is nothing but a ginger-crusted scab who gets paid to pose in silly photo-ops while they're slaving away in front of the broiler making meat pies out of human flesh to pay their rent! (Everything I know about the British economy, I learned from Sweeney Todd.) Those people are so off base that they're licking dirty jockstraps in the dugout with the Kardashians. PHG is doing the work of a saint. Every nation deserves to know what it feels like to quiver in the loins at the sight of PHG sucking off an invisible peen made from the same air they're breathing. It's life-changing. If I didn't already think Phoebe Price is the Mother Teresa of gingers, I'd say PHG is.

I would write more slobbery words pulled from my ass about PHG, but these pictures and I have a date with Photoshop.

TMZ took a break from posting the 32-page divorce documents filed by an extra who was on an episode of Entourage once (I'll post those next) and gave us what our eyes really crave: pictures of delicious dick cake! Unfortunately, this delicious dick has Miley Cyrus' face attached to it. But a BOO for us is always a YAY for Billy Ray (that rhymed and I'm not proud of it).

TMZ posted priceless picture after priceless picture of Miley Cyrus licking the taint under a herpes-ridden chocolate dick cake at the birthday party of her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth in L.A. on Saturday night. Either nothing makes Liam's mouth slobber like a giant black dick topped with an open herp sore or Liam got the cake to keep Miley occupied all night.

Yes, this makes me like Miley just a little, tiny bit, but I still can't believe how stupid everybody at this party was for bringing a big black dick cake out. You do not bring a black peen cake to a party in L.A. That's like feeding a mogwai after midnight. That's like giving my cousin alcohol at a party when you know very well she's going to ruin all the fun by drunk crying in the corner about how her life has become a tragic puddle of Emo-ness.

Do you know what happens when you bring a black peen cake to a party in L.A.? As soon as you're done nibbling the pube beads (or whatever that is) off of it, you will hear the soul-killing sound of the Four Whoresmen galloping toward the door. Khloe Kardashian will bust in with an E! camera crew and NOM NOM NOM every crumb of red velvet out of those chocolate nuts. Kim Kardashian will bust in and destroy that chocolate peen by hugging it with her fat ass flaps of doom. Kourtney Kardashian will bust in and kill the entire mood of the party by whining about how her sisters didn't leave anything for her. Finally, Pimp Mama Kris will bust in and force everybody at the party to sign contracts releasing their rights to any future profits of the cake smashing video they just shot. The only thing left would be a drool pool left by Khloe and a whole lot of empty stomachs hungry for delicious black peen cake.

Charlize Theron has been a busy goddess. Between filming Young Adult, Snow White and The Huntsman and Prometheus, she says what she does in her downtime is mostly sleep, according to Showbiz Spy. In the interview, she talks about her love of travel, wine, and good conversation, none of which she has time for right now. Beer boy below may just have to wait. Charlize gets first crack. Ha I just said Charlize and crack, and of course my mind went there. Excuse me for a minute.

Okay, I'm back. That didn't take long...I mean we're talking about Charlize here. So she also said “I love watching movies. I haven’t been able to watch a lot of movies recently and I can’t wait to go home and have the screeners come in and just couch up." GIRL, I am with you. I have a great DVD collection in addition to pronhub so we are SO on the same page. We can drink wine, have conversation (maybe "good" is not on the menu, but hey), watch movies (bow-chicka-BOW-WOW), do uh whatever comes naturally and then you can catch your coveted Zs on my pillow top king size. Just enjoy those sweet dreams and don't pay any attention to the woman under the silk sheet.

Here's Henry Cavill on the Vancouver set of Superman: Man of Steel and here's the two reasons why that make-up artist is Supergirl to my Saleeeeeeena:

1. THIS BITCH gets to write on her 2011 tax returns that one of her full-time jobs for this year was to spray WD-40 on Henry Cavill's nipples and smear grease all over furry pectacles until he looked like one of the rock hard pieces of blackened lung that Keith Richards hacks up after serving his 1 millionth cigarette for the day.

You really haven't successfully achieved professional greatness until human resources calls you into the office to say: "We need you to stop licking your lips and winking as you apply liquid dirt to Mr. Cavill's upper buttocks area. It's inappropriate. Also, we're going to need to confiscate your locker of all the body hairs you sneakily stole off of Mr. Cavill's chest."

2. When the light hits her hair against the green screen, it looks like a fall of sparkling ginger is gracefully trickling off of her head.

I mean, ginge (I think) and a full-time job as Henry Cavill's body greaser? What an obnoxious way of flaunting that you were Mother Fucking Theresa in your past life.

Lock your windows, bring in your trash cans, turn the porch light off and tell the children not to open their eyes until morning, because now that JLo has been released from the cage in Skeletor's dungeon she's going wild, yowling at the moon, spraying her scent at the walls (smells like Glow) and sticking her culito hole in the faces of strangers hoping that someone takes pity upon her and gives her a scratch!

At the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas on Saturday night, JLo strangled a Muppet with her ass cheeks and then wore it as a trophy before she went full horny in front of the audience and humped on anything that didn't run from her. An official from the zoo arrived on the scene and tried to catch her with a net, but JLo can not and will not be tamed! JLo ran like a banshee with a hot asshole into Pure nightclub and continued to try so hard to be sexy that she pushed out a kidney stone with the word "STOP" etched into it. Don't listen to that kidney stone, JHo! You keep working it like only an old whore can!

And here's some EXCLUSIVO backstage and frontstage footage of JLo going wild on Saturday night: