The extremely private "sex tape" that Teen Mom Farrah made with help from a professional porn star, a professional porn crew, a professional porn director, three fluffers, a butt waxer, an anal bleach artist (it is an art!) and a few enemas is coming to your favorite torrent site any day now. Farrah, who's probably the only dumb shit who is dumb enough to believe that her sex tape isn't a planned porno, is now hundreds of thousands of dollars richer, because Vivid bought her porn debut for high six figures. High school guidance counselors can now tell students that college is overrated. Why waste your time in college when you can get famous by popping a kid out of your cooch and get rich by popping a peen in your ass on camera. It's really a foolproof plan since the world's biggest fool, Farrah, managed to pull it off.
TMZ says that other porn companies put offers on the table, but Teen Mom Farrah eventually went with Vivid and I'm guessing she went with Vivid, because her team of consultants and master negotiators (aka her dad and daughter) told her to. Vivid paid close to a million dollars for the 70-minute-long porn that also stars James Deen and they're calling it "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom."
Farrah is going to be broke again in about five seconds, because she's going to spend all that money on plastic surgery, booze, funding her career in musical terrorism and bikinis. But when her checking account gets as empty as her head, she can sell that picture above to Summer's Eve, because if that isn't a douche ad I don't know what is. Summer's Eve can use that picture to sell their new line of butt douches. Don't want no poop noodle!
And yes, it terrifies me that Farrah looks a little Cheryl Burke-ish in the face in that picture.
After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I'm still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn't making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).
Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she's worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin's reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:
“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.
Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.
Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They're going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let's say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That'll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.
And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.
Since Lindsay Lohan has a reputation as the rudest snatch on both coasts to uphold, she showed up 45 minutes to the Broadway play Orphans last night. Hey, LiLo has a good excuse! Negotiating a nightly rate with one of your newer johns takes time and can't be rushed.
One of LiLo's sugar daddies got crossed out of her black book after his dumb ass got arrested for trying to smuggle drugs onto a plane, so she's got a spot open for a new benefactor (yes, I see what I did there and I don't like the image either). LiLo's date last night was wealthy Saudi entrepreneur Mohammed Al Turki who's also produced the movies Arbitrage and What Maisie Knew. The Daily Mail says that Mohammed Al Turki isn't exactly a new trick. LiLo hung out with him at the amfAR gala in February and he was her date to Lady CaCa's perfume launch party in September.
LiLo's supposed to check into 90-day rehab on May 2nd, so what's going to happen to all her sugar daddies? What if her plan to trick the rehab staff by putting a decoy (a rotting Jack-O-Lantern with red rubber lips) in her room so she can sneak out doesn't work? What if she has to stay there? Will her sugar daddies find a new sugar baby? I'm sure LiLo won't let this happen. She'll get White Oprah to temporarily take her place. White Oprah also looks like she's on the wrong side of 65 and just like LiLo, she can pour a shot, cut a line, give a hand job and steal a wallet all at the same time. Those sugar daddies won't know the difference at all.
OctoMom's local marijuana dispensary must've raised their prices, because bitch is hustling hard (not really) for another quick check and her hustle game led her to posing as Oscar Angie and Tomb Raider Angie for InTouch Weekly. InTouch would've totally nailed this Octo as Angie photo shoot (not really, the sequel) if they Photoshopped Angie's bulging vein of doom onto Octo's endless forehead and replaced the deadness in Octo's eyes with a twinkle that says, "Bring me your ripest virgin."
Because you care, InTouch asked Octo what she does on a daily basis and she lied and said "a lot!" instead of saying "drink myself into a coma in the utility closet."
“I do a lot! I’m a cook, a chauffeur and a nanny! [I spend] a couple hundred dollars a week on groceries. I do several loads [of laundry] every day — there’s always clothes in my washer.”
Your mind is throbbing from how fascinating this is, I know. And what does Octo think about Angie?
“I admire her. She saves children’s lives. I get that we both have a lot of kids, but I don’t think I look anything like her.”
Octo isn't giving herself enough credit. If you took Angie and filled her with helium, more craziness and desperation, she'd look just like Octo. And yes, Angie saves children's lives, I guess, but when is she going to save the lives of the OctoKids? Because I'm sure that while Octo was talking to InTouch, a few of the OctoKids were hitchhiking back home after she accidentally left them in the grocery store parking lot.
While millions of abuelitas replace the velvet painting of Pope Eggs Benedict hanging over their toilet with a velvet painting of Pope Francis the Fist, all of us should be worshiping a true leader and beacon of hope: Elin Nordegren. Let out the gold smoke, because the Pope of gold diggers has been found. Get on your knee and pray, Heather Mills.
After Elin got over $100 million from Tiger Woods in a divorce settlement, she started bumping genitals with the son of a billionaire tycoon for a little bit and then she supposedly got back with Tiger Woods. The rumor was that Tiger wanted to marry her again and was going to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup, which would've given her $350 million if he passed his peen to another Waffle House waitress. But I guess Elin decided that $350 million is chump change and she better reach higher if she wants to be the Patron Saint of Gold Diggers. Enter, Elin's billionaire neighbor Chris Cline (not to be confused with the mess from American Pie.)
Page Six is saying that 33-year-old Elin has been dating 53-year-old billionaire Chris Cline since December. Chris has a mansion in the Seminole Landing area of North Palm Beach in Florida and Elin's currently building a mansion there. Chris Cline is originally from West Virginia, has been married twice, has four kids and made his $1.2 billion fortune in the coal mining business. His company, Foresight Energy, is headquartered Palm Beach.
Get it, Elin! Look at Chris Cline, he looks like pure money. I bet his pubes smell like mahogany, Italian leather and hundred dollar bills. If the luxury package on a Cadillac was turned into a human, it would look like Chris Cline. If they made a movie about Chris Cline's life, Powers Boothe would play him. You know you're really rich when Powers Boothe plays you in a movie, because Powers Boothe barely ever plays poor people. I swear, Elin's life is like an episode of Dallas.
And try not to look surprised when Chris Cline's golf game improves by 5000% thanks to Elin's lucky charm vagine.
After Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore broke up over a year ago, she's been busy doing the rehab thing, riding the beat, pouncing on young pieces and living the life, so she really hasn't had time to file for divorce. When Ashton filed for divorce around Christmas, Demi shredded those papers up, stuffed them in her bong, took a few puffs and kept partying like it's spring break forever! But Demi finally put her cougar coochie in hibernation and sat down with her lawyers to fill out her own divorce papers. Demi finally filed today and in the papers she basically says that she wants the accountants at Two and a Half Men to deposit Ashton's checks into her checking account from now on, thankyouverymuch.
TMZ says that Demi isn't only asking for alimony, but she wants Ashton to pay her attorney's bill too. Ashton is the highest-paid actor in television and made $24 million last year, but apparently Demi Moore has way more money than him. I thought Demi blew all her money on lipo, tequila and young dick, so this is new information to me. Never underestimate the force of G.I. Jane residuals.
Demi's lawyers and Ashton's lawyers are currently trying to work out a settlement and TMZ doesn't think she's going to get a dime since her bank account bulges more than his does.
Nermal-faced philosopher Lil' Kim once said, "Why spend mines, when I can spend yours?" That's exactly what Demi is doing. Ashton Kutcher stuck his wandering douche dick in every 20-something trick from Escondido to Sacramento and so she's getting his ass back. Nothing will get the taste of his side pieces' twat juices out of Demi's mouth like gargling on the tears that will flow down Ashton's face when he has to write her an alimony check every month. No, Demi doesn't deserve alimony, but if she can get it, why not? If she does, she can pull a Brandi Glanville and use Ashton's money to de-Kutcherize her coochie by reupholstering it.
Since Detective La Toya has officially gotten to the BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING and single-handedly put Michael Jackson's shady ass doctor in prison (Side note: I shouldn't say single-handedly, because I'm pretty sure the Watson to her Sherlock, Bubbles, helped out by polishing her monocle at least once), her crime-solving days are over and now she can focus on a new career: pimping out MJ's kids for a quick check.
Page Six says that La Toya must've inherited Joe Jackson's talent at pimping (minus that whole "beating with a switch" thing), because she's managing the "careers" of Michael Jackson's kids and is getting them gigs. Auntie Toy Toy started a managing company called Jai-Tail Enterprises and right now the Jackson kids are her only clients. In just a few weeks, Auntie Toy Toy got 16-year-old Prince Michael a correspondent job on Entertainment Tonight and a guest starring role on the now-canceled 90210. Only the best and A-listiest gigs for Prince Michael! 15-year-old Paris Jackson recently booked a role in a movie, which starts filming in London later this year.
But all of those gigs are small time compared to the $10 million reality show deal that La Toya is working on right now. A source says that La Toya is out there selling a reality show starring the Jackson kids and Katherine Jackson. OWN is interested in the show and if La Toya closes the deal, she'll get 15% commission of that $10 million. The source says that the Jackson kids trust Auntie Toy Toy, because while their other aunts and uncles were kidnapping their memaw, she took them into the corner and whispered into their ears, "Stick with me kids and I'll make you STAHS!"
“She pounced while everyone else was making a lot of useless noise. It was her smoke screen, and she got it done. She told them how she knew [Michael] better than anybody else, and she knew he’d want them to follow their dreams; and because they were his children, they could be media and entertainment moguls. She had a blueprint. She sold it, and they bought it.
Prince wasn’t exactly eager to do ET, but could you tell? When the money is on the line, Toya is going to cash in. I wouldn’t bet against her."
You can say that Michael Jackson is probably moonwalking in his grave over the thought of his kids tap dancing for a check under the spotlight, but I doubt he is (he totally is). Michael Jackson trusts Auntie Toy Toy and knows that if anybody can whore his kids out with class, it's her. Toy Toy is obviously proving MJ right by turning Prince Michael into a glorified Billy Bush and getting him a role on the #1,687 show in the country 90210.
And Auntie Toy Toy's job as the Jackson kid's manager isn't complete until she gets Blanket Jackson a job as the new face of Salon Selectives. I mean, with a luxurious mane like that.
Former HSOTD, internet superstar and bronchitis' #1 hater (but aren't we all?) Sweet Brown has finally made her TV debut in a commercial for a dentist's office that is only airing in Oklahoma. This is just the beginning, soon we'll be seeing Sweet Brown say her catchphrases for commercials for everything from a colonic center ("I got constipation! Ain't nobody got time for that!") to the free clinic ("I said 'Lord Jesus, it's the clap.")
And more importantly, why didn't this commercial play during the Super Bowl?!
When Elin Nordegren looks at the balance on her ATM receipt, more than half-a-dozen zeroes look back at her and sometimes it gets boring looking at all those zeroes. Sometimes you want to see even more zeroes. You want the zeroes to fall off the page and shit. The only thing better than having a checking account full of millions of dollars is having a checking account full of even MORE millions of dollars. And that's what my idol and life icon is going to make happen.
After Elin's marriage to Tiger Woods drowned in a pool side snatch syrup, she got $110 million in the divorce settlement in 2010. Since then Elin has been using her millions to build her Florida dream mansion, and she dated an American billionaire for a while. I guess that didn't work out, because The National Enquirer (via The Sun) says that Elin is back to riding Tiger and he's trying to get her to marry his ass once again. A source says that Tiger proposed to Elin during the holidays and gave her a wedding ring. Tiger is so hard up for Elin to wear the ring that he promised to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup that states he'll give her $350 million, more than half of his fortune, if he cheats. The source said:
“Tiger didn’t even balk at the demand. Even though his accountants think he’s crazy, he’s ready to sign the pre-nup and set a wedding date. The guy has never recovered from being dumped by Elin. He’s dated a lot of models and bimbos but none of them were more than a one-night stand.”
This is from The Enquirer via The Sun, so this shit is probably about as truthful as an OKCupid profile, but I still need it to be true, because I need to believe that Elin Nordegren is the Swedish goddess of gold diggers. If it is true, then Tiger Woods must think that Elin's vagine is the gold luck charm he needs to start winning again. It will be the easiest $350 million Elin has ever made. Six seconds after that marriage certificate is signed, Elin just has to put a random coochie in front of his face and as he breaks that anti-cheating clause, she'll get on the phone with her contractor to tell him that he can go ahead and encrust the bottom of her pool with diamonds and paint her entire house in liquid platinum.
Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could've lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.
White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn't go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here). LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, "...and since I'm her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut."
Some people are laughing at LiLo's newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it's a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can't hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo's new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.
Here's LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.