Please clap your ass cheeks for man skank for all seasons, Gerard Butler, reaching the pinnacle of dirty slutdom by probably sexing on a piece he just met in a porta potty at Coachella over the weekend. You truly haven't wished that the person before you took a post-Mexican deuce until you've walked into a porta potty and burned your nostril tips on Gerard Butler's after-sex fumes. I can practically smell it from here and now I can say I know what a boiled egg rotting in a tub of used tampons on a subway platform smells like.
Gerard Butler is ten seconds out of rehab and every newly sober hos knows that the best place to continue on your road to sobriety is Coachella! You know, because it's not like most people who go to Coachella need to freebase sand to deal with the sea of hippie hipsters from the Urban Outfitters commune. Page Six says that as far as they know, Gerard kept his body free of the bad shit at Coachella and instead he focused on feeding his other addiction: CHOCHA!
A source says that Gerard hit on piece after piece, and at one point he got close to a mysterious brunette (who may or may not be in the pictures below) at the T-Mobile party. The source says that Gerry and the mysterious brunette did the bump and grind on each other before going into a porta potty together.
I know, Gerry's acts of romance never cease to amaze me. There is something poetic about staring into an abyss of hipster shit as Gerard Butler hits it from the back. I bet Gerry's mystery piece realized that was one of the most beautiful moments of her life when afterward he asked her if she wanted to wipe her coochie off with the bottom of his shirt. Always a gentlemen, that Gerry!
And thanks to that picture, your lunch is now out of your stomach.
The City of Dallas has just announced to its residents that it's safe to let their small dogs play in the backyard again, because the threat of Khloe Kardashian pouncing down from the trees to eat them is no more! Khloe and Lamar Odom are packing up their industrial-strength fuck swings and going back to the Karkrashian family whore headquarters in Kalifornia now that he's no longer a part of the Dallas Mavericks. After weeks of back and forth, Lamar and the Mavericks finally broke up, and he confirmed it with this statement to ESPN (via Radar):
"The Mavericks and I have mutually agreed that it's in the best interest of both parties for me to step away from the team. I'm sorry that things didn't work out better for both of us, but I wish the Mavs' organization, my teammates and Dallas fans nothing but continued success in the defense of their championship."
Radar says that this season was Lamar's worst in his entire career and that means that the KARDASHIAN KURSE is growing stronger! Lamar was dropped by the Lakers, thrown to the side by the Mavericks and you can blame it all on the Kuntrashians. When Pimp Mama Kris is done sucking every drop of energy from Lamar, he'll be lucky to get a third string position on the Chernobyl Cyclopses. Lamar needs to ruuuuuuuuuun while he still can, because right now this is his future:
I repeat. THIS is Lamar's future:
The long zoom to JLo's bottle of scented culito water isn't the only obvious product placement in her video for "Dance Again." JLo is also whoring out her relationship with her bought bitch Casper Smart and is getting her money's worth. This mess starts out with JLo squirming around with glitter all over her body (Twilight bukkake), then she rolls around in the most one-sided boring ass orgy ever (it's like if JLo's overinflated ego split into two dozen entities to solely worship her) and then she dance humps on her Dewey Duck looking boyfriend. I know, this not how you wanted to spend your Good Friday.
Any dude dry thrusting on JLo's Goodyear doody bubble ass off camera should know that eventually he's going to do it on camera too. They've all done it. Cris Judd? Did it. Diddy? Did it. Skeletor? Did it. Ben Affleck (apologies for bird feeding your brain with the chewed up painful memory of Bennifer)? Did it. We all know how those turned out. So it's only a matter of time before we see Casper Smart with a sad on his face as he stares out of the play center window after JLo doesn't pick him up. But in the meantime, JLo and Casper are still making beautiful and natural memories together by partaking in photo-op after photo-op.
Here's JLo taking her daughter and two sons to see the Easter Bunny at The Grove in L.A. yesterday afternoon. I can't wait to go on Awkward Family Photos and see the picture of Casper Smart crying out scared tears while sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap.
And I wish I was about to tell you that Barry Manilow's got Marilyn Manson's zombie cream smeared all over his lips, but no. Before Marilyn Manson and Lana Del Rey, made everyone ask themselves "But where's the fourth horseman?" by posing for this picture with Barry Manilow at the Echo Awards in Germany yesterday, the two got close at a charity event in Berlin. An ONTDer posted the pictures and proclaimed, "NEW COUPLE ALERT!" Marilyn and Lana Del Taco apparently left the event together and snuck into the same hotel. Marilyn sure does have a type and that type is any trick who is stoned enough to lick on his wrinkled powdered donut hole without vomming up her dignity.
Whores throw a lot of shit bombs at Lana Delrrhea, but I don't hate her and that's probably because she's like Chicken Cutlets if Chicken Cutlets sedated herself down to play Jennifer North in a public access remake of Valley of the Dolls. But the only thing creepier than Blahna Del Nay humping on Marilyn Manson (who is transforming into an extra bloated Nicolas Cage as Skrillex) in a hotel room is if Barry Manilow was in the corner finger banging his innie while humming the melody to "Please Don't Be Scared."
Half of you aren't reading these words on your screen since your eyeballs shriveled into your head and are currently making their way down your body to escape out of your anus hole, because exposing them to this topless Pimp Mama Kris picture is going too far and they aren't going to take any more of your abuse. The other half of you are enjoying your morning coffee with a splash of vomit. What a wonderful way to start a Monday!
Rob Kardashian turned 25 over the weekend and Pimp Mama Kris celebrated the day she brought her fourth human ATM into the world by posting this picture in all her pregnant glory on her blog. Pimp Mama Kris is thinking she's giving us "Demi Moore on Vanity Fair" when she's really giving us the fame whore version of Rosemary's Baby.
Nothing will make you happier to be alive another year than your mom publishing a picture of her wearing a Moe Howard mullet, Baby Huey's diaper and a hand bra on your birthday. Or is it nothing will make you "want to get face/off surgery with a stranger and legally change your name so your family can never find you." I get those two confused.
Beware, if you're drinking room-temperature apple juice or warm, still beer, this mess right here will make you look at your glass with wary eyes. TLC (The Lawdthesebitchesarecrazy Channel) once again challenges your vomit reflex with their latest episode of My Strange Addiction, which features a woman who considers her own piss as the nectar of the heavens. The bathroom at a stadium is like a Hometown Buffet to her ass. Her bladder is like boxed wine and her pee hole is like the spigot. Etc.. etc...
Carrie is a cancer patient who hasn't been to a doctor in years, because she believes she can heal the sicks with the natural medicinal powers of piss. The Linda Hamilton impersonator tells her friend, who should really get her own episode for being addicted to Ogilvie home perms, that she drinks her piss, snorts her piss, bathes in her piss and uses her piss as eye drops. Carrie's piss is even like Dr. Bronner's to her, because she uses it in her hair, on her skin and to brush her teeth. Ho is piss crazy! You know Kim Kardashian's lawyers are putting together a lawsuit against Carrie for stealing her trademarked beauty regimen.
If a ho wants to guzzle on a golden shower, let her guzzle on a golden shower. It doesn't effect me unless I pass out in front of Carrie and she has to give me mouth-to-mouth. (But I've put my mouth on dirtier things, so whatever.) But isn't it really boring drinking the same brand of bladder wine all day, every day? "So Carrie, what are you having for dinner tonight?" "Well, Denise, I'm having a goblet of fine piss that's been aging in my bladder for the past 40 minutes." BORING! Carrie should spice her piss up a bit. Stir a little Crystal Light in there. Better yet, fill a blender with piss, tequila, ice, a splash of lime and have yourself a refreshing urine margarita! If Carrie really wants to get wild, she can nibble on some asparagus and take her tongue on an exotic journey to ew. Because if you're going to drink piss, you might as well have fun with it (© R. Kelly)!
And if you're judging Carrie, ask yourself this, "Have I ever knowingly put Milwaukee's Best on my tongue?" Yeah, so don't act like you're better, bitch.
Olivier Martinez made it clear that he's riding shotgun without a helmet on the crazy train by confirming to reporters at the opening of his restaurant in Miami that he's engaged to Halle "I Will Never Get Married Again" Berry. Olivier should've given Halle a suicide pill ring, so that when she's choking him out during one of their many fights, he can end his misery by leaning over to chew his way to a quick death. But instead, Olivier gave Halle an emerald ring he made with jooree designer Robert Mazlo.
A source type tells UsWeekly that Olivier wanted to give Halle the "most beautiful ring ever made" and also wanted it mean something. Olivier took some ancient mystical quiz called the "Alchemy Test," which is made up of several questions asking for Halle's favorite colors, numbers and shapes. Robert Mazlo decoded the answers to design the perfect emerald ring which tells Halle and Oliver's story.
Isn't that special? I'm guessing that the emerald represents the color Halle will turn when she busts into a jealous rage after watching Olivier innocently talk to another trick. The diamond represents the maniacal twinkle in Halle's eye. The yellow gold represents the jaundice Olivier and Halle will suffer from after they suck the life out of each other. Robert Mazlo is right! That ring is perfect.
The source says that the ring is one-of-a-kind and I say that it's something you can get at QVC for just 4 easy payments of $29.99.
Speaking of precious gems, here's rare crazy diamond Victoria Silvstedt at the opening of Olivier's new restaurant in Miami over the weekend.
Good morning, if you'd like a little of your own barf in your coffee this morning, then read on and keep a vampire handy to glamour these sucio thoughts from your head afterward.
Sick whores who have always wanted to watch a vagina snap into a Slim Jim creamed from every pore yesterday when TMZ broke the news that a dark-sided, vomit-inducing, life-ruining, genital-shriveling fuck tape starring human turkey jerky Hulk Hogan is being shopped around to the highest bidder. The only place a Hulk Hogan sex tape belongs is in a reissue of Faces of Death, but several porn companies are trying to snatch it up. Hulk Hogan tells TMZ that he's never going to sign off on that shit and he didn't even know he had a sex tape out there. We're all backstroking in the gutter together, so let me kill that question in your brain by saying that the tape isn't of Hulk Hogan humping and grunting on a homemade Brooke Hogan Real Doll. TMZ says that Hulk stick his short, stale chicharon in an "unidentified brunette."
Hulk says that screwing on hundreds of pieces has given him a serious case of whorenesia and he has no idea who the brunette in the sex tape is. Right after he divorced Linda Hogan and before he picked up his current wife, he went on a 4-month-long booze and bagina binge. Hulk proved that he's a feminist with a hairy wishbone goatee by saying this: "During that time, I don't even remember people's names, much less girls."
There really is an easy way to find out who the trick in the tape is. Just check the records for every suicide prevention line, because as soon as the ho came down from being high on Hulk's peroxide fumes, the realization of sucking on his fortune cookie titty hit her and she definitely reached for the noose. I mean, who the hell would fuck that bitch? ("You probably would, you dirty slut." - You "You have a point." - Me) You know the dick is so small that when he sticks it in, the screen above your coochie reads "unable to read" like at an ATM. Letting Hulk sex on you is probably a lot like letting a sunburnt hippo with gas lay on your naked body while huffing and farting. And at least the sunburnt hippo won't scream out, "Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania cums on you." Tip me over and pour me out into some brain bleach.
File this under: WWJZS? (What Would Jay-Z Say?)
STUNT QUEEN trolls Chris Brown and RiRi farted out not one, but two remixes they did together. Above is the Birthday Cake (Remix) and Chris goes on about how he misses fucking on RiRi. Excuse me while I try to cleanse my skin with my own barf. If RiRi wants to fuck on that twathole again, then fine, but why is she dragging us into it? More importantly, why is she dragging delicious cake into it? It's like someone put a delicious Cookie Puss in front of me and then RiRi and Chris Brown came along to shit right on top of it. Fuck these two stupid bitches. THEY RUINED CAKE!!!!
Click here if you can't hear the shit above. But if you can't hear the shit above, take it as a sign.
On last night's Khloe & Lamar, Khloe Kong tried to spice up their sex life (aka spice up her boring shit show) by turning her brother's old room into a Sasquatch mating cave complete with a sex swing hanging over the bed. Khloe lured her husband Lamar Odom onto the swing by secreting musky aphrodisiacal fumes (smells like boiled boar meat, tears from a human man, cow piss and wet tree bark) from her gulch. Anybody who has ever seen a Yeti and a Wookie bump fuck parts on a hammock knows what happened next. The chains broke, the ceiling caved in and the sheer force created a suction tunnel that pulled down pieces of the sky. There's a hole in heaven now, because Khloe & Lamar tried to hump on a swing!
Khloe learned the hard way that the next time she wants to screw Lamar in a swing, she should hire those people who pulled that injured elephant onto a truck. Also, there's some motorboating action between Khloe & Lamar at the end of this mess, so you might want to hold onto your eyeballs so they don't heave right out of their sockets.