Hot Slut of the Day

The dick-loving Australian memaw from the banned commercial for Dick Smith Foods!

Australians are demanding for Dick today after a commercial for Dick Smith Food starring Dick Smith himself was thrown into the banned pile for being trashy, tacky, tasteless politically incorrect and dirty. The Herald Sun says that the ad was supposed to play this Saturday on Australia Day, but it failed to get a G rating. The commercial didn't pass Australia's censors, because it has more innuendos than an episode of Anderson and they didn't like a tacky scene where refugees escape from a burning boat and declare that they love Dick. Dick Smith is trying to fight the censor board for hating on Dick and says that knows the ad is offensive, but it's supposed to be tongue-in-check. Or Dick-in-cheek.

There's a quick and easy solution to this. They should just edit the commercial all the way down and only show the true star, the Barbara Bush-looking memaw who says, "There's only one Dick I'll be eating on Australia Day." She's at the 0:20 mark and she delivers her line like a memaw who knows her Dicks.

Obviously, that memaw is the heart of this Dick....... commercial.

(Thanks to Jennie and Jill for sending this mess in)

Wang Xianxiang, a 42-year-old true talent from the Chinese province of Hunan who makes fireworks by day and lifts buckets of water with his eyelids at night. I'm sure you probably didn't read any of those words since it's hard to read words while silently screaming as you clench at your scared eyelids.

When you live in a nation of fifty five billion people, you have to do some jacked up shit to get your time in the spotlight, which is why for the past 6 years Wang has almost ripped his face off by hanging two buckets of water on plastic hangers hooked to his eyelids. Every day for over 2 hours, Wang redefines foolery by practicing his eyelid-lifting act. The Chinese Johnny Knoville tells NBC News that he started lifting buckets with his eyelids 6 years ago because he was bored (and probably high on the wrong stuff). Wang can lift one Olsen (aka 4.5 pounds) on each eyelid, but he's really trying to pull three fourths of his face off, because he's going for 11 pounds on each eyelid. Wang told NBC News:

“When I first started it was extremely painful, but after a lot of practice it’s just uncomfortable today. I can currently hold 4.5 pounds on each eyelid, I’d like to push that to 11 pounds per eyelid.”

On the weekends, Wang entertains locals at festivals. You know, because THIS is entertainment:

And Pimp Mama Kris is probably pfft-ing at this shit. Every night, bitch hangs buckets of water on her eyelids and she does it while hanging upside down. It keeps her face tight. So top that, Wang.

Mikel Ruffinelli, the atomic bombshell from Los Angeles with the world's largest hips. Somebody please put an oxygen mask on Sir-Mix-A-Lot's face, because he's going to fall back and pass out at the sight of an ass that even he can't handle.

Meet Mikel Ruffinelli, a 39-year-old two ton goddess of meaty sexiness who weighs 420 pounds and has hips that measure 100 inches across. If Mikel looks familiar to you, it's probably because when you were flying to LAX, your plane accidentally landed on her ass. Mikel's got so much ass that she has to drive a truck instead of a car, she has to sleep on a bed that's 7 feet wide, she has to buy two airplane seats and she can only sit on chairs that are supported by steel.

Mikel says that when she was in her 20s she had average-sized hips, but after she had her first kid, they grew to the size of a lion. Then when she had her second kid, they grew to the size of a small hippo. Then when she had her third kid, they grew even bigger to the size of four walruses spooning. And then when she had her fourth kid, her hips ballooned to the size of two obese elephants hugging.

Mikel, who works as a model on a BBW site, tells the Daily Mail that she loves that she looks like she's smuggling all the Kardashians, CoCo and Nicki Minaj in the back of her dress and her husband of 10 years loves it too. Mikel wants to stay built like a VW Beetle and she does it by eating 3,000 calories a day. Mikel also threw skinny girls under the bus and by the bus I mean her ass.

"My husband finds my shape sexy and we have an amazing time in bed – there's no position we can't do! He tells me I'm beautiful every day. Men don't fancy skinny girls, they like an hourglass figure. I hope I inspire women to think, 'She's happy with her body and I can be too!'"

An hourglass?! The only way Mikel would look like an hourglass if I took two tabs of acid and looked at an hourglass through a funhouse mirror. Bitch is shaped more like a wine glass if the bowl ate the stem. I mean:

Don't you just want to grab a pillow and take a long nap on her ass? Yes, I'd have to tie my ankle to a pole, so that an emergency crew could find me if I fell in her crack. It'd be like Baby Jessica all over again. And I don't even want to think about the things her husband goes through when she asks him to lick her no-no. They probably keep a set of Jaws of Life next to the bed just in case.

Yes, the queen owner wearing a leopard robe and holding court in front of her laptop is a HSOTD. But the true HSOTD is the Chihuahua who's making that big ass dog its bitch by climbing up on top of the big dog like the big dog is a step stool from Home Depot. That bitch crawled up that Rottweiler like it was a queen climbing up to her throne. Then after the Chihuahua walked up that Rottweiler, it put its ass in that Rottweiler's face. Used that Rottweiler like a common ladder and then pulled a "Sniff this ass, bitch" move. A true diva queen!

via SayOMG

The Tongue Phone from Nightmare on Elm Street!

In the first Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy continues to terrorize Nancy by calling her up and licking her through the phone. Of course, Nancy's melodramatic ass, slams the wiggling phone on the floor and screams like a wiggling tongue phone is a bad thing. If this scene starred you, me or John Travolta, it would be a whole different movie. For the rest of the movie, every character would be asking us, "Hey, why is that phone cord dangling out of your ass?"

I don't even care that the tongue is sticking out of what looks like a mutant tumor, I still would. I have definitely sucked on tongues that stuck out of worse-looking things.

The clip above also has the moment in New Nightmare when the Tongue Phone comes back to screw with Nancy.  Not once did Nancy ever press *69 to see what would sprout out from the other end of the phone. I just CAN'T with Nancy.

(For Sarah)

This is for reader, supreme commenter and fellow gutter brain SFRB who was so dazzled with Wheel of Fortune contestant Joe that she recording him in all his glory on a potato. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she shot this on a potato, but at least she got the job done!

Bow tie-wearing Hot Slut week continues! On Wednesday night's episode of WoF, a sunshiny ray of muscles and nervousness in a button-down shiny shirt blinded viewers with the sparks coming off of his teefs. If the Trix rabbit was turned into a human and traded his addiction to multi-colored corn syrup balls for an addiction to bow ties and Ecstasy, he would look and act exactly like Glorious Joe!

And no, I'm not entirely convinced that Joe isn't really Michael McDonald as one of his MADtv characters.

Lazaro Arbos, the Cuban native who sang and stuttered his way into the hearts of the judges on American Idol last night. That's saying a lot, because to get to Nicki Minaj's heart, he had to sing through ten layers of chest bronzer, four walls of silicone, ten blocks of ice and an Illuminati force field.

Lazaro stuttered most of his life and when he moved to the US over ten years ago, his stuttering got even worse. Nobody would be his friend, because kids are asshole cunts. Dressed like a cater waiter at a rave, Lazaro sang and didn't stutter through the melody one time. When he sings, his stutter goes away. It's our very own Cuban American Gareth Gates!

And hahaha at Mimi asking, "Is it something you're working on?" Bitch, do you see Geoffrey Rush with him?!

Diego Amozurrutia, Daniel "Dan" Parra from Gossip Girl Acapulco!

Yes, there's going to be a Mexican version of Gossip Girl. Yes, it's going to be un desastre. Yes, this magnificently glorious unibrow attached to a human face is in it and yes, he's the only reason to watch. Gossip Girl Acapulco is totally going to be 80 seasons long, because it's going to take that long to reveal all of the secrets that unibrow holds. I would say that I want to pluck those middle hairs out with my teefs, but I don't mean that. Because Dan's horizontal landing strip is perfect just the way it is. We need to import that Mexican Dan here, because American network TV needs a good unibrow on it.

Source: Facebook via ONTD

Sophia Bowers (as played by Katherine LaNasa) from Deception

If you Xerox copied Revenge on a 25 cent copy machine at a drugstore and that shit was running extra low on ink, you'd have NBC's Deception. It's trash, it's probably going to get thrown in a shallow grave soon and I've seen more convincing acting from the first girl I made out with and that's saying everything. But I watch that mess, because:

a) It has Victor Garber in it.
b) Meagan Good's eyebrows are 3 layers of thick intrigue.
c) Sophia Bowers!

Sophia Bowers is Victor Garber's gold digging, ice queen of a trophy wife who has a heart made of pure bitch. Sophia always wears silk panties, always has a drink in her hand and she won my heart on Monday night when she called some assistant a "dumb bitch." No, it doesn't take much to win my easy heart. It just takes a frozen bitch stare and a hand permanently attached to a glass of booze.

BONUS! Katherine LaNasa was married to Dennis Hopper and French Stewart, and she's currently married to Jake from Melrose Place. A type: Katherine does not have one.

BONUS BONUS! Katherine LaNasa's feets have a 5-star rating on WikiFeet.

Water Snakes, the toy or stress reliever thing from the 90s!

Water Snakes were supposed to be a toy or a stress reliever or something, but nobody used it for that.  That mess was really a tool for newbie gays to find out if they're a top, bottom or vers. If you stuck your peen in a Water Snake (aka a gay's first Fleshjack), you could declare yourself a top. If you squirted conditioner on a Water Snake before shoving it up your ass, you could declare yourself a bottom. If you did both, you could declare yourself a bottom and a top. That's what it was really for. Water Snakes, guiding gays since the 90s!