Hot Slut of the Day

Holotka! 

Thank you to Videogum for introducing me to the bad ass bitch brilliance of my new favorite auto-tuned nightingale Holotka! I'm guessing that Ark Music Factory, the ear-haters who brought us Rebecca Black, opened up a new department for recent divorcees who want to spend all their settlement money on becoming YouTube stars. That's the only explanation for this masterpiece.

The Rebecca Black for the menopausal set is teaching all of us how to be a bad ass bitch and how to bitch it up. To be a bad ass bitch, you have to walk around the streets with empty bags from designer stores, steal Rebecca Black's boyfriend, make out with hos half your age, visit your friends at the retirement home and throw an exclusive daytime party in the VIP section of your condo (the living room, your VIP section is the living room). That's how bad ass bitches really bitch it up!

Since you want to know everything about this supreme bad ass bitch, here's a few facts about Holotka from the bio on her website. Surprisingly, nowhere in her bio does it say that she auditioned for The Real Housewives of Atlanta five times.

She's glamorous, sexy, beautiful, controversial, smart, spontaneous, impractical, unpredictable, fun, funny, and a wonderful and talented pop and rap artist/singer and songwriter... she's: HOLOTKA! 

Not only is Holotka beautiful and athletic, but extremely bright and intelligent. She was a straight “A” and honor roll student and was elected to student council. Unfortunately, while in high school, Holotka suddenly and unexpectedly lost one of her greatest fans - her dad! 

While most top colleges would have welcomed Holotka with open arms, she decided to stay local due to her very close relationship with her mom and the untimely death of her dad. 

Holotka has a knack for writing lyrics, and performing happy songs that encourage you to laugh off life and just enjoy! She has been taken by surprise with her newly found gift for writing and singing and now this is Holotka’s solace and pleasure. Holotka enjoys life living between Atlanta and South Florida, and she writes and records her music everywhere! 

When it comes to writing her songs, Holotka is most comfortable in her birthday suit, relaxed in a king sized bed, and surrounded by dozens of notebooks and Mont Blanc’s. So if you plan on spending the night, you may leave with some pen wounds!

I'm convinced that Kimber from Nip/Tuck was based on a real person and that real person is HOLOTKA!

And here's another splash of musical champagne for your ears from Madonna's new cougar idol.

The spectacular eyebrows of Bernard Ingham, Margaret Thatcher's former chief press secretary.

At Margaret Thatcher's funeral yesterday, Bernard Ingham walked through the doors and guests were temporarily blinded by his gloriousness and for a second they thought that a pair of magnificent angels wings had arrived, but it was something even better. It was the fluffs of white hair over Bernard Ingham's eyes. It feels wrong calling them eyebrows, but they're so much more than that. Those are beautiful hairy awnings for his eyes. You could set your drink on those things! Bernard Ingham's eyeballs always stay cool in the shade thanks to the twin canopies of brow hairs over his eyes.

They also look like two majestic clouds and if I was a 4th grader again, I'd pluck them right off of his face and glue them onto my prehistoric diorama project. I spent minutes teasing a bushel of cotton balls and they never looked as fluffy and perfect as the hairy clouds on Bernard's face.

If Larry Hagman's bush brows and Andy Rooney's bush brows mated, had twins and those twins overdosed on EGH (eyebrow growth hormone, it's like HGH for brows) and Propecia, they'd look just like Bernard's bristly brows of perfection. I hope that as Bernard gets even older, his brows keep growing and eventually fully become one with each other and his sideburns. Then he'd have a glorious headband of brow hairs. I'm getting the swoons just thinking about it.

Ice Cream Cones Cereal!

In 1987, General Mills decided that the children of America really needed to be fatter and filled with more sugar, so they gave us ice cream cones for breakfast! Why wait until later in the day to have ice creams when you can have it right after the sun came up? Whenever I ate too much sugar, I turned into a hyena high on meth and Red Bull, so my mom never bought us sugary cereal. But my friend's mom served him orange soda for breakfast, so of course she bought him this shit. It was the only time I got to experience Ice Cream Cones Cereal. I didn't even eat it like regular cereal. I picked up the tiny cones and licked on the tiny foam ball like it was a real ice cream cone (yes, I was slow and yes, I was that kid who licked windows right after they were Windexed.)

Ice Cream Cones Cereal was pulled off the shelves a year after it made its debut, because this country just wasn't ready for a nutritional cereal with 4 wholesome grains and 8 vitamins and iron.

Ice Cream Cones Cereal may be dead, but that annoying ass song and Ice Cream Cones Jones' voice will stay inside of my head forever.

The Judy's Girl, the mascot of Judy's clothing boutique!

For those of you who are making a "Harpo, who dis woman?" face, Judy's was a clothing store chain for teen girls and grown girls who wanted to dress like teen girls, and there were stores all over California and as far as I know, there were also some stores scattered through the west. If Contempo Casuals was the Forever 21 of the 80s, then Judy's was an exclusive invitation-only couture boutique. It was some special shit. (Don't listen to that bitch Ambular from Clueless.)

Judy's first opened in 1946 and all of its stores closed in the late 90s after the company that bought it went bankrupt. Besides a tiny blurb on Wikipedia and a Facebook page, there's hardly any mention of Judy's on the internet (this should be a illegal!) and I could only find a few pictures of the Judy's Girl. The Judy's Girl was the store's mascot and there were huge ass pictures of her in front of every store. As a kid, she kind of scared me, because look at her, she looks crazy. She's got like 10 hairs on her head, she's got no fingers and she's dressed like a mime in a prison. But she raised the roof before raising the roof was a thing and she'll forever be a Southern California icon of the 80s and 90s!

(Pic via Flickr)

The cigarette butt hat that Hana Mae Lee wore on her head at last night's MTV Movie Awards.

I haven't seen Pitch Perfect, so I had no idea who Hana Mae Lee is, but while looking through pictures from the dirty ash tray of an awards show called the MTV Movie Awards last night, I stopped on a picture of her with some shit on her head that looks like something a young Lohan would make for their mom during 3rd grade craft project time. She totally took a tip from Lady CaCa's How To Get Bitches To Take A Picture Of Your Stunt Queen Ass playbook. That souvenir from the gutter hat isn't only art (not really), but it's also a visual representation of the future careers of half of the hos who were there last night.

Hana Mae Lee's butthead hat was one of my favorite looks of the night, but only because when I stare at it for a while, the black part looks like a swollen anus dipped in tar.

The Ghost Of Witch McCoy from Scooby Doo!


The death of Jonathan Winters made me think about Scooby Doo, which made me think of all the Scooby Doo villains, because next to that hot bitch Daphne, the Scooby Doo villains were the hottest part of that mess of a cartoon. The one Scooby Doo villain I remember the most is the Ghost of Witch McCoy who the villagers believed held dark magic powers and could turns hos into frogs and could turn herself into a black cat. The Ghost of Witch McCoy turned out to be Aggie Wilkins and she wanted to scare the Hatfields away from their cabin, because her ex-man hid a treasure map in their cabin and she wanted to get to it.

There are so many reasons for why the Ghost of Witch McCoy was everything.

The Ghost of Witch McCoy wore a sack dress that St. Angie Jolie wishes she owned. The Ghost of Witch McCoy wore a white wig that was almost as glorious as Emmylou Harris' natural mane. The Ghost of Witch McCoy's claws were creeper than Madge's, her eyebrow game ruled the Ozarks and she was the original owner of the Voldemort nose.

And during her episode, she crawled into bed with Scooby Doo. Kinky bitch!

The half ginger-faced mama pussy who adopted a baby bunny rabbit.

One of my childhood cats was this wild ho who we found wandering in the hills. She was a true pussy of the wild and hated being inside. She was always outside and was always bringing us "presents." One time she dropped a rabbit head on our welcome mat and the first thing I looked for when I saw it was the gift receipt, because that was not a gift I wanted. So that was my introduction to pussy and bunny relations and it left a scare on my childhood. But now I can wipe away that scar thanks to this video of a half ginger-faced mama pussy giving some love to a baby bunny rabbit.

I hope a follow-up video comes out in a few months, because I really want to see this baby bunny rabbit purr, meow, use the litter box, get high on cat nip and silently judge humans from afar. I fully embrace this pussy trapped in a bunny's body. It's a bussy!

via Buzzfeed

Water Cat! 

Shit, I thought water is to cats as vagina is to John Travolta. They're supposed to scream, cry, scratch bitches and wish a painful death upon you when you drag them near it. But Water Cat (real name: Snoopy) doesn't give a shit about water and spent way too long looking for imaginary fish in the bath tub. Either Water Cat really does love water or he's high on acid or he's chasing ghost fish us humans can't see or all of the above.

In a few years when cats take over the world and are lounging in the pool while us humans fetch them catnip-tinis, they're going to look back at this video and be like, "That wet pussy was revolutionary."

via Reddit

The giant peen that shut down the Nürburgring racetrack in Germany.

Somebody looked at the Nürburgring racetrack and decided that what it really needed was a huge, gigantic, long dick on it and so they painted one along with the word "Danish."  I don't think they did it as an homage to The Hammaconda, because if they did, it would've taken up all the lanes and Jon Hamm would've issued a statement telling all of us to stop looking at it and drooling over it. That thing is a pencil dick with mouse balls (homage to Chris Brown?).

You'd think that the German police would appreciate fine art and giant dicks, but they don't, because Metro says they shut down Nürburgring for three hours on Sunday while they erased the peen.

This isn't the first time a giant painted dick showed up on a racetrack. IMDB trivia says (no, it doesn't) that Tom Cruise was really scared about shooting his race scenes in Days of Thunder, so the producers painted a giant dick on the track to lure him out. Yes, he scraped the skin off of his ass from scooting along the painted dick on the pavement, but at least it got him out on the track.

And life would be so much better if everything had a giant peen on it.

via Fark

Christina, the woman who went on Steve Harvey to admit that she's got a serious food fetish for Popeye's spicy chicken and it makes her pop like nothing else.

If KFC is finger lickin' good, then I guess Popeye's is finger fuckin' good, because Christina told Steve Harvey, his audience and who ever watches his show that when her dude isn't taking her higher while boning, she thinks of spicy chicken and it butters her biscuit, basically. I don't even want to know what this chick does with Popeye's spicy chicken tenders and mashed potato gravy.

Remember when Maury Povich had hos with phobias on his show and whatever their phobia was he brought it out and made them face it? That's what Steve Harvey should've done with ole' fried chicken fucker here to see if she's bullshitting or not. He should've brought out a wheelbarrow full of Popeye's spicy chicken and if ten seconds later the audience's shoes were covered in panty pudding, then everybody would know that Christina is telling the truth.

If Christina is telling the truth, she's a HSOTD and Popeye's should start selling spicy chicken grease lube just for her. If Christina isn't telling the truth, she's a HSOTD, because even though she's lying she'll still forever be known as that kinky ho who LOVES that chicken at Popeye's a little too much and she's totally okay with that.

via Uproxx (For Nancy B.)