Hot Slut of the Day

The Mother's Circus Animal Cookie Truffles!

A few years ago, my soul swirled down to the ground when Mother's Cookies went out of business and all the Circus Animals Cookies were headed to the glue factory. I obsessed over that shit to the point where some hos emailed me and said shit like, "Stop obsessing over that shit to the point where I have to email you to tell you to stop obsessing over it!"

So then God showed himself by saving Circus Animal Cookies from extinction! And now look at them, they're being made into truffles! They're fancy as shit. It's like they survived death, won a scholarship to Harvard Medical School, became a neurologist, married a high-powered lawyer, moved to a mansion on an island off of Seattle, adopted a litter of kittens, had twins, throw dinner parties where they use actual cloth napkins and are living the perfect life.

Circus Animal Cookies almost died and now they're all fancy and shit! Personally, I prefer my Circus Animal Cookies in cookie form, but if you want to be fancy, click here to get the truffle recipe. Make sure you lift your pinky while clicking on that link, because that shit is that fancy.

(For T)

Dree Elle, Orko's mysterious and demure girlfriend from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe!

Dree Elle was only in a few episodes of He-Man, but she will forever hold a special place at the top of the dusty shoe box of memories in my head, because who could forget her soothing Carol Kane battling a head cold voice and her come hither eyes. Mata Hari wishes she was as mysteriously alluring as Dree Elle. Usually, I hate pink and red together, but Dree Elle, being the fashion icon that she is, pulls it off.

Just like Orko, Dree Elle was a Trollan from Trolla (not to be confused with the Kardashians from Kalabasas) and she'd drop into Eternia every now and again to help He-Man battle the evil forces. Since no Trollan can resist Dree Elle's fuck me eyes and her demure gracefulness, Orko pretty much fell in love with her and would get a Trollan boner every time she blinked. Dree Elle was also into Orko and they expressed their mutual love by showing their faces to each other.

Here's Dree Elle and Orko joining forces to turn evilness into goodness with a beautiful song. This shit is so weird, but it's so right!

And I'm sure that isn't the first or the last time He-Man has said, "Maybe if I blow into the other end of the horn, it'll help."

Orko and Dree Elle should totally come to Earth and sing that song until Chris Brown turns into a flower and the Kardashians turn into a litter of fluffy bunnies. Orko and Dree Elle (but mostly Dree Elle) makes everything beautiful!

Sebastian Böhm, hair artiste, German unicorn, purveyor of glamour and the owner of a pair of exquisitely drawn eyebrows that are the reason why the executives at Sharpie get out of their beds in the morning.

One day I was browsing through a photo agency's database and my mouse immediately put on its brakes and a lump of liquid glitter filled my throat when I saw pictures of this perfectly crafted beacon of glamour. I don't know much about Sebastian Böhm. The only thing I know is that when I say his name out loud, a unicorn's anus starts to twitch and I also know that he's the one who sculpted Bill Kaulitz's mane into the work of art it is today. But I really don't need to know much about Sebastian Böhm, because his beauty speaks for itself.

Perfection is made when you mix together a dozen skid marks from a MAC bronzer stick, a drop of sweat from Christopher "Kid" Reid's afro brick, a rhinestone-encrusted dandruff ball from Jedward and the potent essence of Harald Gloockler.

Stanley the Barbie Man!

The highly respected literary journal The Daily Mail just earned even more respect (if that's even possible) by bringing us the story of a 41-year-old glittery gay of the world and his undying love for Barbie. This ball of pink rainbows who's making me pucker all over is Stanley Colorite, one of the world's biggest collectors of Barbies. Stanley bought his first Barbie in1997 and he's been collecting ever since.

Two rooms in Stanley's house in Hudson, FL are filled with over 2,000 Barbies and he just keeps adding more and more Barbies. Stanley says that he spends $30,000 a year on Barbies and his collection is priceless. Before you start thinking that Stanley probably sleeps in a Barbie bed with all of his Barbies spooning every inch of his body, let me just tell your ass that yeah, he probably does that, but his partner is in the bed too. Stanley's man of 13 years, Dennis Schlicke, is also addicted to dolls and has around 1,000 Ken dolls. Stanley says that he's never going to stop and Barbies are to him as coke is to Lindsay Lohan. It's a real love.

"'I started with just one doll and my collection has grown and grown. Barbie isn't just a toy for children, she's for adult collectors too. I can't stop collecting - it's like a drug habit, I just can't quit."

Barbie Man doesn't only collect the dolls, he collects all things Barbie and if there was a Barbie doll butt plug, he'd be wearing one right now.

If I woke up with hundreds of pairs of Barbie eyes starting at me, I'd probably fart out my heart, but Stanley loves them and we should all hope that one day we'll love something as much as Stanley loves Barbies. Smithers could never have a Malibu Stacy collection like this.

And if you need more of Barbie Man, skip over to Stanley's Facebook page. His hot Structure circa 1991 outfits set him on fire and I really shouldn't say that since he has a house full of plastic.

Wayne Scot Lukas, the original host of the American What Not To Wear.

Because neither Clinton nor Stacy have given birth to a litter of 19 gypsy babies from Georgia, TLC dumped What Not To Wear into the donation bin after 10 seasons. So if you want to get revenge on your worst enemy by nominating them for a makeover so that hairstylist can buzz their hair off  and Clinton and Stacy can dress them like an awkward prison matron going on a first date, you'll have to find another show! Because that mess is dead.

In honor of What Not to Wear's death, let's pay homage to the first season's host. Wayne Scot Lukas was only on the first season with Stacy London and Clinton Kelly replaced him in the second season, because they just couldn't handle his beauty and it slowed down production when everyone in the room passed out every time he flipped his luscious mane. The only thing I remember about Wayne Scot Lukas is that he always wore a lifeguard sweater and pretty much creeped out all the hos he made over. He was the entertainment.

My guess is that Hocus Pocus-looking ass bitch Stacy London had him fired because she was jealous of his beauty. Obviously.

(Pic via Bergen.com)

Christine Cromwell (as played by Jaclyn Smith) from ABC's mysteries series Christine Cromwell, which lasted about as long as a rhinestone's sparkle.

In the late 80s, ABC was all about mysteries and Christine Cromwell was one of the shows, along with the reboot of Columbo (???),  that took turns showing on Saturday nights. Christine Cromwell was a high society attorney who was as glamorous as Alexis Carrington's queef and as sophisticated as a burp out of a poodle's butt. Christine Cromwell was truly the Detective La Toya of her time, because she also got into solving mysteries when she wasn't defending the elite in court. She was what you would get if a brunette Krystle Carrington got a concussion and woke up thinking she was a cross between Jessica Fletcher and Jennifer Hart.

Since hos in 1989 just were way too behind to fully appreciate Christine Cromwell's mysterious sophistication, the show was murdered after 4 episodes. But it lives on with this hot intro:

That intro is so damn classy that it makes you feel like your asshole is made of cashmere.

(For Lahoma)

Socks, the moonwalking Shetland Pony who's the star of a commercial for the UK telecom company Three.

Who ever came up with this commercial was totally huffing fumes out of a feedbag while staring up at a full moon as a Fleetwood Mac record skipped on a player in the corner and my soul is happy for that, because they gave us Socks. Three put together Socks, Fleetwood Mac and the moonwalk for their #DancePonyDance campaign. I know, that sentence made my brain deflate too and I typed it. I don't know what any of that means, but who cares. Just give me a pony who moonwalks to Fleetwood Mac.

Sarah Jessica Parker might have Emmys and LeAnn Rimes might have a hot dick to lick sugar cubes off of, but Socks is still the most talented and luckiest pony on this planet.

via Mashable

The Fat Batman of Bradford!


The citizens of Bradford in England can feel a whole lot safer today, because a caped crusader with a crime-saving gut is catching the evil doers of their town. Metro says that a mysterious dude wearing a Batman costume from the 99 Cent Store strolled into the police station on February 25th to give them a thief who was wanted for robbery. Batman waited around until the thief was booked before he disappeared into the night. The thief-catching hero didn't tell the police his name and he kept his mask on the entire time. The police released footage from a surveillance camera of the fat Batman hoping to find him and thank him for cleaning up their streets!

I like how the police are acting like they don't know who the chunky Batman is. The police commissioner obviously knows. We've all seen that movie. Besides, if they wanted to find the chunky Batman again, they should just call him with the bat-signal, or put a delicious pork sandwich in front of the police station.

This dude is hot on every level, because not only does he get to live out one of my dreams by making a CITIZEN'S ARREST!, but he gets to do it while wearing a costume. California should bring his ass here, because he's obviously the only one who can finally catch and bring Lindsay Lohan to justice!

I even love the way Batman's body is saying, "Will you hurry up? I've got reservations."

The April O'Neil "Ravishing Reporter" action figure!


When a shirtless Michael Bay sprawled himself on the hood of his Ferrari (the one that Megan Fox washed and waxed again to get a role in one of his shit show movies) and announced that Megan Fox would be playing April O'Neil in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, I figured her costume would look just like the gorgeous "Ravishing Reporter" action figure. And it should. The "Ravishing Reporter" action figure looked more like a "Down Trodden, Raggedy Ass, Alley Way Hooker" action figure.

She was ravishing in every way. April's hair looked like a ten gallon hat made of ginger hair and she was dressed like she was ready to turn tricks for a slice of pizza. Those green biker shorts, those flesh-colored anklets, that purple bustier and her real rooted hair (a phrase you can never use when describing Beyonce) were the touches of elegance that ensemble really needed.

And April wasn't just a regular reporter. She was a RAVISHING reporter.

Valentina, the Brazilian made Real Doll goddess who is making the forever alones of the world empty out their piggy banks for the chance to spend one night with her fully functional rubber vagine.

Dutch site Nieuwsblad.be says that Brazilian sex toy maker Sexonico is promoting the world's first ever international convention of Real Dolls (aka The Gathering of the Basement Sons) by auctioning off a romantic and luxurious night in Sao Paulo with what they say is the most sophisticated Real Doll ever made. Valentina is more natural than Nicki Minaj, has more charisma than all of the Kartrashians combined and I'm sure she can sex a trick better than Parasite Hilton can (but that's not saying much since even a stuffed sloth can sex a trick better than Wonky). Lana Del Rey's pussy may taste like Pepsi-Cola, but Valentina's tastes like Silica Gel Packets and a rubber oven mitt.

Sexonico says that Valentina's manufactured skin feels exactly like human skin and when you dip her in a warm tub, her rubber body gets to the same temperature as a real human's body. The winner of the auction will be flown to Sao Paulo, set up in a luxury hotel and will get to share a romantic dinner and bubble bath with Valentina before "taking her virginity." The winner will get to say that he was the first man to ever be with Valentina and the action figures he keeps on a shelf over his twin bed in the basement will be so impressed.

Right now, the highest bid is at 100,000 reals (around $50,000 USD).

Who cares if $50,000 will buy you a night with the Lohan lady of your choice. The shame you'll feel after realizing that you spent $50,000 to talk to and jizz inside a rubber doll is priceless.