Hot Slut of the Day

The Fat Batman of Bradford!


The citizens of Bradford in England can feel a whole lot safer today, because a caped crusader with a crime-saving gut is catching the evil doers of their town. Metro says that a mysterious dude wearing a Batman costume from the 99 Cent Store strolled into the police station on February 25th to give them a thief who was wanted for robbery. Batman waited around until the thief was booked before he disappeared into the night. The thief-catching hero didn't tell the police his name and he kept his mask on the entire time. The police released footage from a surveillance camera of the fat Batman hoping to find him and thank him for cleaning up their streets!

I like how the police are acting like they don't know who the chunky Batman is. The police commissioner obviously knows. We've all seen that movie. Besides, if they wanted to find the chunky Batman again, they should just call him with the bat-signal, or put a delicious pork sandwich in front of the police station.

This dude is hot on every level, because not only does he get to live out one of my dreams by making a CITIZEN'S ARREST!, but he gets to do it while wearing a costume. California should bring his ass here, because he's obviously the only one who can finally catch and bring Lindsay Lohan to justice!

I even love the way Batman's body is saying, "Will you hurry up? I've got reservations."

The April O'Neil "Ravishing Reporter" action figure!


When a shirtless Michael Bay sprawled himself on the hood of his Ferrari (the one that Megan Fox washed and waxed again to get a role in one of his shit show movies) and announced that Megan Fox would be playing April O'Neil in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, I figured her costume would look just like the gorgeous "Ravishing Reporter" action figure. And it should. The "Ravishing Reporter" action figure looked more like a "Down Trodden, Raggedy Ass, Alley Way Hooker" action figure.

She was ravishing in every way. April's hair looked like a ten gallon hat made of ginger hair and she was dressed like she was ready to turn tricks for a slice of pizza. Those green biker shorts, those flesh-colored anklets, that purple bustier and her real rooted hair (a phrase you can never use when describing Beyonce) were the touches of elegance that ensemble really needed.

And April wasn't just a regular reporter. She was a RAVISHING reporter.

Valentina, the Brazilian made Real Doll goddess who is making the forever alones of the world empty out their piggy banks for the chance to spend one night with her fully functional rubber vagine.

Dutch site Nieuwsblad.be says that Brazilian sex toy maker Sexonico is promoting the world's first ever international convention of Real Dolls (aka The Gathering of the Basement Sons) by auctioning off a romantic and luxurious night in Sao Paulo with what they say is the most sophisticated Real Doll ever made. Valentina is more natural than Nicki Minaj, has more charisma than all of the Kartrashians combined and I'm sure she can sex a trick better than Parasite Hilton can (but that's not saying much since even a stuffed sloth can sex a trick better than Wonky). Lana Del Rey's pussy may taste like Pepsi-Cola, but Valentina's tastes like Silica Gel Packets and a rubber oven mitt.

Sexonico says that Valentina's manufactured skin feels exactly like human skin and when you dip her in a warm tub, her rubber body gets to the same temperature as a real human's body. The winner of the auction will be flown to Sao Paulo, set up in a luxury hotel and will get to share a romantic dinner and bubble bath with Valentina before "taking her virginity." The winner will get to say that he was the first man to ever be with Valentina and the action figures he keeps on a shelf over his twin bed in the basement will be so impressed.

Right now, the highest bid is at 100,000 reals (around $50,000 USD).

Who cares if $50,000 will buy you a night with the Lohan lady of your choice. The shame you'll feel after realizing that you spent $50,000 to talk to and jizz inside a rubber doll is priceless.

On last night's Project Runway, the deeezigners had to create outfits for a bunch of seasoned beauties and one of those seasoned beauties was the best thing that has happened to that show in years: SHERYL! Sheryl was Kate's client and she didn't get much screen time, but when she did she filled my ears with the greatest wisdom ever told.

At the beginning of the challenge, Sheryl and Kate sat down to talk about what kind of outfit Sheryl would look and that's when Linda Evans' beauty icon and my new favorite philosopher delivered this extremely important piece of advice that everyone should follow.

That should be in every fortune cookie. This is everyone's life motto! This is the truth! This is the gospel! Kate said that she laughed at Sheryl's advice and didn't want to tell Sheryl that she's engaged to her high school boyfriend. Dump him! Dump the ring! Be a slut! Sheryl has spoken and she knows the way.

The most hated bitch in Mexico right now, Elba Esther Gordillo!

Disclaimer: Dlisted not condone embezzling billions upon billions of pesos from the education union of your own country, but if you do, do it like Elba Esther Gordillo and spend it all on jacked up plastic surgery and designer clothes from Neiman Marcus!

The New York Times and The Guardian both say that this gorgeous beauty who looks like an angry Japanese Chin that was dropped in a vat of liquid plastic at the Mattel factory was arrested two days ago for allegedly stealing 2 billion pesos (around $156 million) from Latin America's largest union, the National Education Workers' Union. La Maestra (The Teacher), as they call her ass in Mexico, has been the head bitch of the union since 1989. The Mexican Leona Helmsley was once seen as one of the most powerful women in Mexico and some say she single-handedly put a president in office. But there's a new president in office and La Maestra's reign is over. Let the fall commence!

La Maestra was arrested at an airport on Tuesday night after she sashayed down the steps of a luxurious private jet, which flew her from California to Mexico. (Disclaimer: Dlisted does not condone getting arrested, but if you do, do it like Elba Esther Gordillo and get arrested after sashaying down the steps of a luxurious private jet.) La Maestra was in court yesterday to answer to the charges that she funneled billions of pesos from the union's accounts to other accounts at home and abroad. While teachers in Mexico are barely making enough money to eat, she was off buying mansions in California and spending almost $3 million at Neiman Marcus alone. Bitch also thought she was completely untouchable. Here's a hot piece about her crazy ass from The Guardian:

At the same time, she had become a national figure of ridicule. Her extravagant designer outfits lay uneasily with the low salaries of the teachers, and she was mercilessly mocked for her, at times rather odd, personal appearance, born of repeated plastic surgery and chronic illness.

The Teacher's near mythical reputation for subterfuge also provided fantastic stories, including the claim that she once held off an imminent attempt to depose her in the late 1990s with the help of a witchcraft ceremony up a Nigerian mountain in which she was clothed with the pelt of a white lion that had been skinned alive.

In her most recent interview, earlier this month, a television news anchor usually known for her soft interviews asked her how she felt about being "the most hated woman in Mexico". Gordillo responded: "Nobody is more loved by their own."

Eva Peron, who?

This NEEDS to be turned into a movie. I wish Lupe Ontiveros was alive today, because she'd throw a half-melted Chucky Doll mask on her face and kill this role. If it is turned into a movie, then who ever plays La Maestra better spend months perfecting her wonked-up side eye. Just look at that side-eye. You know a side and up-eye is real when it looks like Satan himself is snatching her eyeballs back. That's a side-eye that says, "It may look like I'm farting, but I'm really thinking about how I want to skin you alive and wear you like I wore that white lion, pendeja!"

La Maestra is totally going to rule the prison block.

This scheming dog who saw its opportunity to get that pussy once and for all and took! This dog is a master of subtle evil, because it knew that cat would curiously come to the water and it knew that cat would get just close enough for it to a dunk a bitch in. That dog tricked that cat by acting like it was more into the dripping water and then it calmly sashayed over, put its paw out and issued a BYE BITCH on that pussy. I haven't seen a smooth move like that since Nomi pushed Cristal down the stairs in Showgirls. This dog is like the Alexis Carrington of dogs.

via Tastefully Offensive 

The human car saver from Mar del Plata, Argentina who tried to save his true love, his car, from getting murdered with hail bullets by throwing his body on top of it before going roof swimming.

This is every auto company executive's idea of porn. A dude in Argentina has so much love in his heart for his damn car that he threw his body on top of it and internally shouted "Take me instead, nature! Take me!" while blocking the hail from hitting the only thing he's ever loved. (The way he's passionately trying to save that car tells me that he's definitely had some special moments with that car's exhaust pipe.) Dude kind of looks like a half-broken wind-up plastic frog in the tub, but how can I hate on love?

And he's probably getting a back massage out of it!

via Yahoo

The princess dog purse that Quvenzhane Wallis carried at last night's Oscars!

Hush Puppy has been carrying dog purses during this entire awards season, but she outdid herself with the princess dog purse she carried last night. That dog purse is dressed better than most of the hos there and its hair looked fresher too. Even though Hush Puppy didn't win last night, she still had the best accessory of the night (no shade to John Travolta's long haired guinea pig wig).

And somewhere in Hollywood, Quvenzhane's princess dog purse is taking off its tiara to maul the shit of an onion. Because last night The Onion trolled everyone and made Twitter explod when they called little 9-year-old Quevenzhane a regular Kardashian.

Robert Opel, the mustached streaker whose hippie dick bush stole the show at the Oscars in 1974!

Usually, one of the only rules I follow when picking a HSOTD is that if they're human, they have to be alive, but I'm breaking that rule again to pay homage to an Oscar legend on this Oscar Sunday. During the 1974 Oscars, the show's co-host David Niven was about to introduce presenter Elizabeth Taylor when a nekkid ass nekkid Robert Opel ran behind him and gave millions of people two eyefuls of his swinging peen and luscious crotch bush. Robert Opel showed the Oscar trophy that it isn't the only one who can be fully naked on stage. David Niven didn't miss one beat and after he got a quick look at Robert's scene-stealing fun parts, he said to the audience, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was almost bound to happen... But isn't it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?"

Robert Opel claimed that he got backstage by pretending to be a journalist. Others think that the producers of the Oscars were regular STUNT QUEENS, because some evidence shows that the whole thing was planned. The show's business manager claims that during rehearsals, David Niven came up with the now famous line and wrote it down on a piece of paper.

After Robert flashed a piece sign and his extra furry piece, he became a semi-celebrity. Famous people hired his ass (and peen) to make an appearance at their parties. Robert would streak at parties for a check. Robert used some of his streaking money to open up a gay male art studio in San Francisco in the late 1970s called Fey-Way-Studios. Two robbers killed Robert in 1979 while trying to rob his studio.

Robert is gone, but the memory of his Oscar night nalgas show lives on forever! And I hope the producers keep Robert's legacy alive tonight. Tonight's shit show might be over 4 hours long, so I hope those bitches make it worth our while by giving us a streak show or ten (starring Ryan Gosling, B. Coop, Hugh JackMeOff, Jamie Foxx, etc...).

The pigeon from Amour!

So I went to see the feel good movie of the year Amour last night and if you haven't seen it and are planning to see, just do what I did: see at a movie theater that serves lots of booze. If you can find a theater that has a wine tap right next to your seat so you can just guzzle down the sweet nectar non-stop, even better! I read a ton of reviews when Amour came out in the US and I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I sat down in that theater chair, but it was still painful to watch and I couldn't have gotten through it without my best friend Pinot Noir (or Penis Yarn as I like to call him) by my side. Afterward as we were all walking out of the theater, some arty chick behind me said to her friend, "What a beautiful depiction of love," or something like that. While she was thinking positive thoughts, I was busy wishing that a tsunami of extra-strength Prozac pills would hit my mouth.

Anyway, during the movie, a really hot, scene-stealing pigeon makes a cameo appearance. The pigeon was obviously there for symbolism purposes, but my ass was just happy to see a dumb ass, attention whoring pigeon act like an attention whoring pigeon. Pigeons always have to invade somebody's personal space, but for once I was glad that a pigeon was invading someone's personal space. It was the closest thing to comedy relief I was going to get.

I read that the pigeon scene was shot 12 times and that Michael Haneke (director of my other favorite feel good movies Funny Games and The Piano Teacher) kept trying to direct the pigeon. I left the theater feeling depressed as shit, but I probably wouldn't have felt as depressed if during the credits they showed the bloopers from the pigeon scene.

And I can't wait to see what the Amour pigeon wears to the Oscars tomorrow!