Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant SHOCKED the universe (not really, not at all) in 2011 when he announced that he was a first time father to a daughter he made with his short-term piece Tinglan Hong. Hugh's spokeswhore called it a "fleeting affair" and said they were no longer together, but that he would help her raise their kid. It was a fancy and polite way of saying that Hugh barebacked a baby into Tinglan during a three-night stand and he'll happily send a check to his daughter every month. Since Hugh Grant just loves announcing the birth of babies out of nowhere, he did it again on Twitter this morning by tweeting about his daughter's new brother:

The Daily Mail thinks that this means Hugh Grant's sperm fish shoved itself into one of Tinglan's eggs again and that he's a father for the second time, but he never says that. Hugh just says that his daughter has a brother, so Tinglan could've made a baby with another dude. Maybe Hugh Grant just loves announcing the birth of babies? Bitch should totally start a new career as a baby birth announcer.

And remember when Hugh said that he liked his daughter "okay"? Since Hugh might not even be related to Tinglan's son, he'll probably say that he only sees that baby as an acquaintance and he'll be cordial to him at family functions, but that's it!

UPDATE: Hugh added on Twitter that he's the daddy, so I guess that either he and Tinglan are back together or they just can't stop casually doing each other raw dog-style.

During an open talk with Stephen Colbert at the Montclair Film Festival in New Jersey last Friday night, Jon Stewart was asked which past guest of his made him want to rage fist himself while pulling out his pubes one by one at the same time. Jon didn't need to spend more than 3 seconds with that question before he blurted out the name: HUGH GRANT! Hugh Grant ("More like HUGH CUNT" - Jon Stewart) was on The Daily Show three years ago and Jon still hasn't forgotten what a giant popped nipple pimple Hugh Grant was. Third Beat (via E!) says Jon explained Hugh's bitchery like this:

tewart’s least favourite guest of all time is Hugh Grant, “and we’ve had dictators on the show”. Grant spent his time at the studio complaining that he had other places to be. “He’s giving everyone shit the whole time, and he’s a big pain in the ass,” Stewart recalled. Grant also complained to the staff about the clip that was selected of the movie he was promoting, Did You Hear About the Morgans? – a clip that was obviously supplied by the film’s publicist. Stewart recalls Grant angrily asking “What is that clip? It’s a terrible clip.” “Well, then make a better fucking movie,” Stewart said, adding that he would “never” have Grant back.

I've seen Did You Hear About The Morgans? and it gave me cotton mouth of the eyes, so any clip that Jon Stewart showed would've been terrible. A lot of people say that Hugh Grant is about as pleasant as a rim job from a cobra, but I can't fully hate him all the way. Hugh Grant never gives one fuck about anything, said his feelings were "eh" about his newborn baby, regularly tries to knee kick Rupert Murodch in the crotch whenever he can and more importantly, he introduced the world to one of the most exquisite flowers in the mid-90s garden Divine Brown. Hugh Grant is probably a huge dick wrinkle, but he did give us Divine Brown and he's good at playing a twat onscreen too. So we should give him that.

Hugh Grant (or "Dayum That Bitch Got Old" as you're calling him right now) accidentally made a baby with Chinese actress Tinglan Hong (Tinglin' Dong would be a really good porn name, by the way) last year and he hasn't really talked about his 6-month-old daughter Tabitha, because he's been too busy deciding if he likes her or not. It's good to know that he does! Hugh told The Guardian (via People) that he likes Tabitha and he likes her so much that he's not going to set up a trust fund for her. Oh, Hugh, you've officially transformed into your About a Boy character:

On being a father to a baby: "Lots of people warned me [that] the baby period is not that exciting. But I am excited, actually. I thought, well, I'll bluff through — but very little bluffing has been required."

On if he thinks his daughter is an asshole or not: "I like my daughter very much. Has she changed my life? I'm not sure. Not yet. Not massively, no. But I'm absolutely thrilled to have had her, I really am. And I feel a better person."

On why he won't let his daughter become a trustafarian: "I see nothing but fuck-ups among my trust-fund friends. It's like 99% fuck-ups. So I would not want to do that to my children, no."

So many people slobber on and on about how perfect their babies are, and how their perfect babies shit perfect shits and are perfect this, perfect that, perfect, perfect, perfect. So it's kind of refreshing that Hugh says in a British way that if his daughter had a Facebook page, he might like it if he was under the influence or feeling charitable. But about that trust fund thing...

I'd be pissed off if my dad was in Did You Hear About the Morgans? and I couldn't even use my trust fund money to buy a $2,000 Hermes scarf to hide my embarrassment in. Well, at least if Tabitha ever needs cash and Hugh refuses to give it to her, she can use the line: "How do you expect me to pay my rent? Sell my ass on the corner of Sunset and Courtney?"

Hugh Grant learned the Benicio Del Toro & Kimbo Stewart way that when you drop a jizz load into your piece and there's no rubber parachute there to catch it, there's a chance that in 9 months you'll have baby piss in your face and a child support invoice in your mailbox.

The dude who perfected the British stutter in practically every damn romantic comedy from the 90s is somebody's father and his rep makes it clear to People that the lady he thought was a two-week fuck has now turned into someone whose face he'll see every other weekend when he picks up his kid. Hugh's rep put it like this:

"I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby girl. He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms."

That totally is the white gloves and top hat way of saying, "That bareback bitch raw dog dicked a ho in the back of a rented mid-level sedan again. You know how he does it."

Hugh's rep wouldn't say who the mother is, but the NYDN took a Detective La Toya monocle to the situation and they believe the mother is Chinese actress Tinglan Hong. Hugh fucked around with her for a minute last January and she was looking a little full of fetus-ish back in April. I really hope she is the mother and I really hope Hugh did the right thing by naming his baby friend, son or daughter, Divine. I mean, Divine Hong-Grant does have a beautiful ring to it.