I See You

Laura Jeanne Poon's damage control campaign should've ended with her award-worthy performance on Good Morning America, but it keeps on going and she's trying to get extra credit now. While walking through LAX last night with her permanently mortified husband Jim Toth, Reese Witherspoon wore a City of Atlanta Police cap. Subtle ho is subtle. Yes, her publicists should get a raise for dragging this shit out for maximum attention, but Reese is wearing the wrong cap.

Reese should wear a cap that says "I AM REESE WITHERSPOON, FAMOUS ACTRESS!" or "I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!" because then every police officer will know to not arrest her on American soil.

The Illuminati's chosen one has been marinating in Kim Kardashian's uterus for about 4 minutes and she's already baring some of her barely existent bump in a bikini for camera clicks. It's going to be a long few months, because this is only the beginning. We're going to be begging for Jessica Simpson's naked knocked up body and Mimi's Cocker Spaniel bra by the time Kim has assaulted our eyes with every inch of her bald fetus dome. Bitch probably has a personal and full-time Photoshop team living in the attic of her mansion, because she's going to be posing naked for every magazine, newspaper, billboard, social networking service, PennySaver, animal periodical and pregnancy fetish site for the rest of her pregnancy. Brace your eyeballs now.

Pimp Mama Kris' number one kash kow opened up (although, it's kind of hard to open up more when you're already as open up as a lone bottom's b-hole at a pass-around orgy) to DuJour Magazine (temporarily renamed DoucheWhore Magazine in Kim's honor) and she talked about herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself and meth. I'll leave out the stuff she said about herself and only give you what she said about meth:

"I used to always say I can’t wait to get pregnant because I will just eat whatever I want, but it’s completely different. I’m like, OK, I want to eat as healthy as possible. Though lately I’ve been watching shows like I’m Pregnant and Addicted to Meth. It definitely makes me feel better if I’m wanting one sip of Diet Coke or, you know, too much sugar. I’m like, This woman is on meth.”

Kim's fetus is probably screaming, "Fuck the Diet Coke, give me meth nooooooooooooow!"

And here's Kim leaving some jewelry store while looking like four kinds of tragic. She's wearing four different outfits and each outfit is fuglier than the last. She looks like a business woman witch from the late 90s. I seriously love her stylist for making her look like a troll with no torso.

John Galliano was convicted of anti-semitism in France two years ago after he was caught on video declaring his love for Hitler and telling a group of women that they would be gassed today if Hitler was still around. Dior fired him and the only jobs in fashion he could get involved designing the uniforms for Jesse James' bike shop and cutting dick holes into the Nazi uniforms that Mel Gibson likes to wear while getting a pre-jacuzzi blow job. Bitch fell hard. But then Oscar de la Renta hired Galliano to help design his latest collection. Oscar de la Renta showed his new collection at New York Fashion Week yesterday and Galliano was spotted dressed like this while making his way to the show.

Some people think that Galliano was at it again. The New York Post put this picture on their cover with the word SHMUCK and accused his evil ass of mocking Hasidic Jews. But Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League tells the Observer that the Post is being ridiculous as shit, because he thinks Galliano is dressed nothing like a Hasidic Jew.

"The New York Post story is a ridiculous, absurd distortion. There is no truth to their accusation that John Galliano was dressed in Hasidic garb, and anyone familiar with the dress of traditional Orthodox Jews should not mistake what Galliano is wearing in the photograph as ‘Hasidic garb.'

This is John Galliano being John Galliano. His dress is always eccentric and his hair is always worn long. This is, at the very least, ignorance on the part of the reporters and editors at the Post, or, at worst, a deliberate, malicious distortion in an effort to sell newspapers. For the past year and a half, Mr. Galliano has been on a pilgrimage to learn from and grow from his mistakes. Now people are trying to distort and destroy him. He has spent hours with me and with others in the European Jewish community, including rabbis and Holocaust scholars, in an effort to better understand himself and to learn from his past mistakes. He is trying very hard to atone.”

On one hand, Galliano is a board certified STUNT QUEEN cunt so I wouldn't put it past him. On the other hand, besides the hair icicle curls falling down his face and the black coat, this look doesn't completely scream out Hasidic Jewish person to me. If anything, he looks like Charlie Chaplin as a Hassidic Jew. Wait, didn't Hitler HATE Charlie Chaplin? The plot thins!

Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.

What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!

And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.

Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.

When Madge isn't trying to get YouTube views with a slip of her seasoned nip, she's trying to get them with her words. You'd think that since Madge spends most her day homeschooling her two children, Rocco and Baby Brahim, she'd stop being a teacher at night, but she kept on, kept on at her show in DC yesterday. Mrs. Madge gave the audience an American history lesson when she spewed out some stuff about Abraham Lincoln you can read in an Encyclopedia Britannica, and then she went on about how amazing it is that we have a "black Muslim in the White House" who's for gay rights.

Maybe Madge is mocking the hos who really think Obama is Muslim, but the hos who really think Obama is Muslim don't have sarcasm detectors built-in, so they probably took this as fact and are now worshiping at her hooves. I mean, if Madge's goal was to make Victoria Jackson bust one for the first time in years, she succeeded.

To make matters worse, Gawker says that later in the show she took off her jacket to show the name OBAMA written on her back. Madge promised to take it all off if he's re-elected. YOU'RE NOT HELPING, BITCH. Yeah, so expect Obama to drop out of the presidential race in 3...2..

via Towleroad