Jane Fonda

Who cares if the name "Elena Lenina" makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah's does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu's home planet. If this is Elena's way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it's totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy's heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah's already got the lube.

And here's some others at tonight's premiere who obviously didn't get the memo that the theme of the night was "sex toy hair." In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.

Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during "All That Jazz," she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I'm pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.

After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest's jealousy showing, because he's just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don't even care that CZJ's face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.

And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don't like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump's head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.

I could've titled this post Lee Daniels as Lee Daniels, or Oprah as 80s Della Reese, or Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan (!!!!!), but I went with Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan, because that doesn't look like Alan Rickman at all to my eyes. But that's Alan Rickman and he's killing me softly with that Reagan smile.

Oprah Instagram'd pictures of everyone on the set of the new Lee Daniels movie The Butler. The Butler follows Gerard Butler after he finds a time machine and uses it to travel through the decades and fulfill his dream of boning all the First Ladies of the past. No, The Butler is about a butler who served eight presidents including Reagan. Oprah's plays The Butler's wife.

And I see Jane Fonda fucking with the Republicans with the power of a pair of brown contacts. (Side note: Nothing freaks me out more like seeing blue-eyed people with brown contacts).

And and, here's another picture of a Dynasty-ized Oprah with Lenny Kravitz in their aging makeup. Lenny may or may not be playing Benson.

I still would, even more so if Lenny kept his Benson look on.

The Daily Mail has a way too long article on Jane Fonda's second husband Tom Hayden, a left-wing activist who made her give up her fancy ways to fight the cause or some shit, and in it they include a priceless quote she apparently said at a feminist rally.

"My biggest regret is I never got to fuck Che Guevara."

Che Guevara?! The famous t-shirt model? Why in Urban Outfitters clearance rack hell would she want to fuck that?

No, Jane must be talking about Che from that Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Evita. Jane, you not-knowing tramp, Che was just a character in a musical played by Mandy Patinkin! But if you really need it like that, I'm sure Mandy would be nice enough to bring that fantasy to life for you. Dust off your coochie, pull out your pussy beret and make your dreams come true.

And since it's Labor Day, I will do some labor for you by posting your official response to this:

You can also dub Dan's voice with the word "Michael" instead of "Jane" and it works just as well. Thank you.