Jessica Simpson

I took my gaydar to the Geek Squad yesterday, because the stupid, cheap thing didn't shoot out a stream of sparkly unicorn jizz every time I looked at a picture of Papa Joe. I guess Jessica Simpson was right behind me in line, because Radar says that she was as shocked as me to find out that Papa Joe loves the peen even though the signs were all there (huge example: that Revlon Frost & Glow hair).

Papa Joe and Tina Simpson both filed to divorce each other's ass yesterday and The National Enquirer said it was because he told them two months ago that he's totally and legitimately gay (he denies it, sort of, not really). Ashlee Simpson gasped so hard that her original nose came back and Jessica Simpson couldn't believe it. All those times Papa Joe was away from the house for hours on end, Jessica and Ashlee thought he was flashing young ladies in the park, but he was actually boning boy toy butt with his tongue. Some source said this:

“Jessica had absolutely no clue that her father was gay, not even the slightest inkling. She thinks she has very good gaydar, especially since a lot of her friends are gay, but she did not see this coming at all. It was a complete shock to the system, she feels terribly for her mom who was left reeling by the announcement and her sister Ashlee has also taken the news quite badly. Jessica’s been trying to process the information slowly, but she’s having difficulty dealing with it. She can’t understand why Joe stayed married to Tina for so long, and can't help wondering how much of their life was a lie. Despite that, she’s going to stand by him and support his decision. After all, he’s still her father and Joe’s always been there for Jessica whenever she’s needed him... And not just as a father, but as her manager too."

Poor dumb simple Jessica. Think of all the hours she spent in therapy to deal with the scars she got from watching her dad touch her tits wrong with his eyes and from trying to put on a fake smile while holding up the lace lingerie he bought her for Christmas. But Papa Joe was only checking to make sure her chichi game was in check and only bought her lingerie, because her underwear was homely. Papa Joe isn't a creepy, pervert daddy. Papa Joe's just a sassy gay dad. This changes EVERYTHING.

And my gaydar is sad, confused and hating itself for not ringing for Papa Joe, so I'm going to build its confidence by giving it something easy. Here's the German rainbow Harald Glööckler unveiling the house he designed in Berlin. "Wait, Harald's gay TOO?!" - Jessica Simpson

Why didn't I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he's an albino flamingo dancing in the wind.... Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he's free, he's going to let all his glitter out!

And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They're all like that!

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe's 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee's mother,  Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn't keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:

“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”

And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.

I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter's titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn't thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica's tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter's chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that's the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)

If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can't wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he's got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he's just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!

In a few years, bitchy bloggers and gossiping whores will need the perfect picture to Photoshop a jagged break line into when Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel eventually get a divorce, so People will be providing that picture on the cover of tomorrow's issue. TimberBiel gave People magazine the EXCLUSIVO rights to publish the pictures from their $6.5 million Italian wedding and the only thing they asked for is a check for $300,000. TimberBiel will also get another check from OK! for the European rights to publish the picture of Justin serenading Jessica with an acoustic version of "Cry For You" as she pinches her ass lips because she can't believe this day has finally arrived after years of clinging to his taint.

Jimmy Fallon, Andy Samberg, Beverley Mitchell and Questlove were all guests at TimberBiel's wedding, but four very important blasts from Justin Timberlake's past were not guests. Bitch didn't invite 'N Sync! Page Six says that neither Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick nor Joey Fatone got an invitation. TMZ says that Chris was in Italy at the time, but they don't know if he was a guest at Justin's wedding. One source said that N'Sync is sad about getting snubbed by Justin, because they loved him at his lowest and by that I mean they loved him even when he had cornrows:

The band were not invited and are pretty upset about it. But the wedding guests were mainly close family and friends.”

People could've posted a picture of a chewed-up Styrofoam bowl wearing a veil next to a beige butt plug and all of us would've said, "Awww, Jessica and Justin look beautiful," so they obviously wasted their money. But since Jessica and Justin managed to get $300,000 from People, I hope they donate that money to charity. And I hope that charity is the Make An 'N Sync Member Happy Again Foundation, because Justin's rude ass has a whole lot of making up to do.

Long before Eric Johnson's sole job was to wrap cooked corndog breading around his peen and let Jessica Simpson eat it off, he was a pro football player who was married to Keri Johnson. After Eric's NFL career ended and his marriage to Keri started circling the drain, he instantly won the gold digger lottery when Jessica Simpson decided she wanted to eat his big sausage pizza all day, every day. When life hands a gold digger lemons, that gold digger needs to turns those lemons in MONAAAAAY. The gold digger needs to focus on his mark and shoo away any coochies that may keep him away from his goal. But that's not what Eric Johnson's skeezy dumb ass did.

A source tells Radar that when Eric was with Jessica, he was still laying his peen on his ex-wife's vagine. Keri thought that their break would make their marriage stronger, but Eric was only interested in making his checking account stronger by humping on Jessica. The source thinks that he'll step out on Jessica again:

“He’s a two-timing cheat! He was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. She needs to think twice before marrying him. He’s already cheated on her once — he’ll most likely do it again.”

Bitch better not do it again. That would be a terrible gold digger fail. If you blindfolded Jessica and made her sniff a can of Chicken of the Sea and a can of StarKist, she wouldn't smell the difference. That's a good thing for Eric, because Jessica will never be able to smell the difference between her cooch juices and some random cooch juices, but still. If it wasn't for Jessica, Eric probably would've had to drop out of Wharton, because he couldn't afford it and he'd be working as a stock boy at a sporting goods store. Eric has it good and in the wise words of RuPaul, "Don't fuck it up."

Here's WhatsHisName (the "B" on his hat stands for Bellboy Bitch) following his Truvia Mama (she's off sugar this week) Jessica Simpson as she makes her way through LAX last night and tries to stop gossiping whores from talking about what's hiding behind that floral muumuu by mesmerizing them with her vitamin D-filled chichi balls. Chestica is back in L.A. after spending a few days in NYC talking about her weight, talking about her weight, talking about her weight and testing out the new Spanx designed by NASA.

This generation's Kirstie Alley continued to give Weight Watchers their money's worth by telling UsWeekly exactly how she lost over 40 pounds in 4 months. Chestica did it like this:

7am - Jessica gets up, sticks one end of a straw over her nipple, sticks the other end in Maxwell's mouth and safely feeds her baby without worrying about baby suffocating in her gigantic titty domes. She then eats half a Flatout flatbread sandwich with egg whites, peppers and fat-free cheddar (6 PointsPlus) for breakfast.

8am - Jessica straps on her pedometer (not to be confused with human pedometer Chris Hansen) and goes for a walk with her piece and Maxwell. Jessica tries to walk at least 14,000 steps a day. A snack of berries, bananas or grapefruit (0 PointsPlus) goes into Jessica's mouth afterward.

11am - Four days a week, Jessica works with a personal trainer and does cardio and some weight-training stuff (aka lifts and drops her 2 ton boob balls a dozen times) for 45 minutes.

12:30pm - If it's Wednesday, Jessica weighs in with her mom and friends. If Jessica is wearing a skirt or dress during weigh in, she has to kick Papa Joe's head off the scale before she steps on it.

1pm - Jessica eats her biggest meal of the day. No, I'm talking about her piece's peen, because you know that's not a big meal. It's probably like 1 PointPlus IF THAT. Jessica eats lunch, which is usually spinach salad with 4 ounces of chicken satay and pear (8 PointsPlus).

2pm - Jessica takes Maxwell for another walk or walks on the treadmill. Jessica sucks down a berry smoothie (3 PointsPlus) afterward.

6:30pm - She puts Maxwell to bed and then eats a dinner of: fish (4 ounces of halibut or tilapia) with roasted eggplant, broccoli or asparagus (6 PointsPlus). And for dessert? Skinny Cow chocolate truffle bars (3 PointsPlus).

10pm - Jessica gives her paid piece his daily allowance, pulls down her bed comforter, screams at Papa Joe to take his drunk ass home and then she goes mimi times.

You know, I was going to write my own daily routine, but there's not much to it. I get up, fill the trough next to my laptop with coffee, Totino's pizza rolls, a variety of cookies, Carnation Instant Breakfast powder and Easy Mac. Then I stick my head in there while I type the word "fuck" over and over again.  I get my exercise by walking to the refrigerator and opening it to see if anything new popped in there since the last time I checked (5 minutes ago).

And not only is Chestica losing chunk from Weight Watchers, but she's also learning how to count! A double win.

While sitting in an Ikea showroom, Jessica Simpson says in her Weight Watchers commercial that she's on her way to losing all the chunk and she's just a real woman eating real food, and the camera never ever leaves her face the whole time. Will the camera man please take Papa Joe's wrong ass aside and teach him how to stay focused on Jessica's face? Because if Papa Joe shot this commercial, we'd be listening to Jessica Simpson talk about how she's a real woman eating real food while the camera only stayed focused on her real big tits.

Four months after birthing out an amniotic fluid river carrying Baby Maxwell, Jessica Simpson was the first guest on Katie Couric's new talk show yesterday to talk about how Weight Watchers taught her that queso soup with a side of corn syrup cardboard (aka a Pop Tart) slathered in bacon butter doesn't count as a meal. Jessica told Katie that she didn't want to do one of those "before and after" commercials, because that's just not her and she's still 10 pounds away from her goal weight. And because, there were scheduling conflicts with Industrial Light & Magic and they were unable to provide the special effects needed to do a "before and after" commercial.

Katie asked Jessica how much weight she's lost since going on Weight Watchers, but she wouldn't spit out a specific number and only said that she's dropped more than 40 pounds. Jessica said in another interview that she weighed in at 170lbs when she got her pregnant ass naked for Elle. So let's do some math! If I drop the truthfulness and carry the bitch please, I get the number: 130ish.

Jessica's obviously just shouting out any number that enters her head, but she shouldn't. Every time a trick wants to know how much she weighs now or how much weight she's lost since she stopped eating frosting and pie sandwiches for lunch, she should just tell them that the number is written on Papa Joe's peen and we can go down there if we want to find out. Nobody would go and nobody would ever ask her about her weight EVER again!

Here's some pictures of Chestica wearing some flowy dress thing while having dinner at Tiny restaurant (no comment) last night and some pictures of her making her way to her interview with Katie Couric while looking like a middle-aged Texas trophy wife turned born again preacher's wife going to a funeral.

For once, I'm not talking about Jessica Simpson's ass. I'm talking about that humongous as the stuffed bowels of hell bag. It's the Nicki Minaj's ass of purses. Chestica showed all of us a trick as she strutted through LAX yesterday: If you want to look skinnier, just carry the fattest bag on the planet. Hos will be too distracted from screaming "Look at that fat ass bag! What a fat ass bag!" to look you up and down and analyze your actual ass. Oh, and also wear sunglasses that are bigger than Nancy Grace's areolas.

After losing more chunk than Ashlee Simpson lost when she chopped off half of her nose, Chestica is in NYC to go on Katie Couric's talk show and show everyone what happened when Weight Watchers waves a $4 million check in her face. You're looking at one of the last moments Jessica is breathing in oxygen through her mouth and nose. Because right before she goes on Katie Couric's show, Weight Watchers will mummify her in Spanx, wrap her in a full-body girdle, cover the girdle with plastic wrap and then vacuum seal her so tight that she'll have to learn how to breathe through her ear holes. During Katie's show, a translator who is fluent in Morse code through blinks will stand next to Jessica, because she'll be sucked in so tight that she won't be able to move her mouth so she'll have to communicate by blinking.

Next week, the engineering world will see just how far a cocoon of Spanx can be stretched when Jessica Simpson goes on Katie Couric's new talk show and shows Weight Watchers what $4 million bought them. Jessica told USA Today that when she was knocked up with Maxwell, she was always in eatin' mode, because she wanted to fully enjoy her first time with a fetus in her. Jessica swallowed everything including a whole lot of mac 'n cheese, and the only time she spat something out was when she was chewing on something rubbery and bland and realized it was Ashlee Simpson! That's the last time Ashlee makes the mistake of dropping Velveeta shells and cheese on her chest.

Eating everything with cheese gravy on it made Jessica gain a bunch of chunk and she says that she weighed 170 pounds when she posed naked for Elle. Jessica's 5'4", so that's your cue to scream, "SHEZA LIAH!!!!!"

Chestica must've eaten so much macaroni and cheese that it filled her body and squeezed into her head, because the dumb ass thought that all the weight would just magically come off when she pushed out her baby.

"I didn't realize it (the weight) didn't all come off with the baby."

The only way all that weight would've come off during birth is if Maxwell came out of her cooch in a hot air balloon pulled by a herd of elephants wearing inflatable sumo wrestler suits. The bitch was huge.

Chestica says that since she's been on Weight Watchers, she's lost weight every single week and she's only 10 pounds away from her pre-Maxwell size. Chestica eats less than she used to, but she still nibbles on a few M&Ms every once and a while. Chestica walks 60 minutes a day and she can't jog, because every time she tries, one of the 20 gallon leche balls on her chest nearly knocks her head off:

"My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I'm just walking."

Chestica knows that bitches are always making fun of her weight and when she walks down the street, people say, "Goddammit! That's a big fat ass!" But she's just a regular woman and blah blah blah...

"I'm not a supermodel. My body is not bouncing back like a supermodel. I'm just your everyday woman who is trying to feel good and be healthy for her daughter, her fiancé and herself."

"I'm just your everyday woman..." Heffa, shut your mouth on a loaf of Weight Watchers banana bread, because you ain't an everyday woman. As far as I know, everyday women aren't paid millions of dollars to lose weight and don't have an unemployed husband who can take care of the baby while she walks in place as her private chef makes her lunch. Bitch can call herself an average woman when I see her doing crunches in her cubicle before eating a lunch of broccoli slop that she tried to steam in the break room microwave.

When Jessica Simpson gets a call on the hot dog phone next to her bed in the middle of the night on a Saturday, it's usually from a drunken Papa Joe asking her what she's wearing. But on the night of August 4th, Papa Joe called Jessica Simpson on the hot dog phone next to her bed to ask her to pick him up from jail....and then he asked her what she was wearing. TMZ says that Papa Joe put his Christian pastor values to good use last Saturday night when he drank some of the fermented blood of Christ before getting in his car to drive down Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks.

Papa Joe was driving along when a flashing police siren in his rear-view mirror made whatever buzz he had left in his system slip out of his b-hole, because his drunk time drive party for one was officially over. The cops walked up to Papa Joe's window and got the feeling that he was under the influence of booze, so they arrested him, took him down to jail and kept him there the entire night. Papa Joe was released the next morning without having to pay bail. Criminal charges against him haven't been filed yet.

Nowhere in TMZ's report does it say that the cop tested Papa Joe's state of drunkenness with a sobriety test or a breathalyzer blow, so I'm guessing the officers just got the sense that he was boozed up. Was it because Papa Joe pulled a Randy Travis and wasn't wearing pants when they pulled him over? Because Papa Joe never drives with pants on. Papa Joe always keeps it pant-less while driving, because he's always prepared to tickle his down low parts with one hand as a sexy young piece next to his car walks down the street. And it would be highly irresponsible of Papa Joe to use both of his hands to take his pants off while driving. Maybe the cops figured Papa Joe was drunk, because when they walked up to his window, he told them to squeeze them titties together and shake, shake, shake 'em for daddy, bitch. That doesn't mean Papa Joe's drunk! Because both Jessica and Ashlee will tell you that he does that even when he's sober.

Jessica Simpson took a break from trying to make that Weight Watchers money by dropping 50 pounds of post-baby chunk in 5 months and posed for this Twitter portrait while taking Baby Maxi Pad for a stroll around the block. I know, just pounds of veiny titty balls hitting your monitor. Jessica has the entire Wisconsin milk industry up in there. You know how Salma Hayek single-tittedly SAVED humanity by breastfeeding starving orphans in third world countries? Jessica doesn't even have to travel to do that. Homegirl just has to point her titty to the air, direct her leche knob to the nearest third world country and squirt. It'd rain Jessica leche all over that country. Seriously, Baby Maxi probably has to put on snorkel gear before she eats.

I'm all for Jessica trying to get attention with help from her magnificent chichis, but this picture is not the look. With her mouth wide open and those deranged bee sunglasses on, she looks like a Bumble Bee Tuna Bee Real Doll.

via UsWeekly