Saturday, October 6th 2007
I didn't know Chestica Simpson was still a part of that Operation Smile charity? I thought they kicked her ass out? Operation Smile is that charity where they give teeth and mouth work to kids who need it. They need to operate on Chestica and sew her mouth shut for good!
Anyway, they had some kind of event in Beverly Hills last night. Papa Joe was there, but I can't even comment on him. He's looking at me with "child toucher" eyes.
I will give props to Jess for working that Paves weaves like she's trying to sell some. OH! She is! You can get em on HSN. HAH!
And that dress looked so much sexier on my 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Elmes.
Friday, October 5th 2007
Vanessa Manilafolders has reportedly demanded that Nick Lachey marry her annoying ass without a prenup. 26-year-old Vanessa gave 33-year-old Nick till the end of the year to make it legal.
A source told The National Enquirer, "Vanessa loves Nick, but she’s prepared to walk if he’s not willing to marry her. And she’s not going to get involved in a prenuptial agreement. She feels marriage is forever, and she doesn’t want to begin a lifelong commitment by signing an agreement that’s just an out for a divorce."
More like she wants some of that Jessica Simpson money! Hahaha...."Dear Jessica, I'm fucking your ex and spending your money!"
Vanessa is a gold digger doing it right. Don't hate. She may be annoying, but at least she's not stupid! Well....that's still debatable.
Thursday, October 4th 2007
Jessica Simpson looks so.......fresh? She must've gotten freshly peeled or something, because there's some weird about her face. Fresh is the word, but fake fresh! The body looks hot, but it's the face....hmmm...
Oh and who's that getting out of the car behind her. Those are like $10 drag queen shoes from Hollywood Blvd! They look beat as hell too, like they've been around a stripper pole a few hundred times.
Here's Jes out in NYC last night.
Tuesday, September 25th 2007
Joe Simpson talked to FoxNews about why his little plastic dumplings, Chestica and Asshole, aren't like Britney, Lindsay and the others.
He said, "We have a real family. You can’t just put these kids out in the world and they’re on their own. I can remember a time when Jessica was singing at Madison Square Garden and her outfit ripped before she went on. We were there for her."
Um....Papa Joe probably weakened the thread so her dress would rip. I'm sure he was there for her. By "we" he means his fingers.
He also confirmed that Chestica's next album will be country music.
"Willie Nelson really likes her," he said. "We’re going to go down there and really get into it."
Get into it?! A threesome?! OH HELL NO. I gotta go wash out my eyes with bleach. I just didn't read that.
Friday, September 14th 2007
Jessica Simpson has recently talked openly about wanting children and possibly adopting. Sources tell More Magazine that Jess is planning to get turkey basted by her hair stylist and my personal favorite weavemaster, Ken Paves aka The Paves.
A source (which I'm guessing is just some bum down the street, because this story is too good to be true) said:
"She and Ken were having dinner and Jess was moaning about how she couldn't find a man to commit and how immature the guys she has dated have been. Jess suggested artificial insemination. Ken is just as eager to have a baby, but his boyfriend isn't as keen on the idea. However, she and Ken agreed to begin the process in the next six months."
A Paves/Simpson baby would be stellar. Jessica would pop out a bag full of fake hair and she'd wear it proudly and sell it on HSN!
Tuesday, September 11th 2007
Papa Joe told People Magazine that his lil' ole' Jessica Simpson is going to go country for her next album. He said she wants to get back to her Texas roots.
He said, "Everything in our business is about beats and I think she really wants to sing and country music still believes in that."
"She's a singer from top to bottom. And everything in the music business, especially pop music, has moved away from singers. And I think country is the the only pure, storytelling kind of genre left."
Yeah I'm sure she's a singer from top to bottom. I bet her middle sings better than her top, right Joe?
Jessica singing Country should be outlawed. She already has an annoying twang and it will just come out in full force. She should stick to movie making. Her next movie should a snuff film.
Isn't Papa Joe pure sex? You know he makes your middle just want to burst into song.
Saturday, September 8th 2007
Ashlee Simpson needs to drop into Dr. 90210's office or whoever did her nose job and get a redo. That thing is dropping fast and will cover her mouth soon. Actually, maybe that's not such a bad thing. It will keep her beak shut!
Jessica on the other hand should pursue a career in the NFL. She seriously would make a great linebacker! She used to be so hot and then she went and overprocessed herself! At least she kept her mouth shut most of the night....towards the end she had to let it slip just a little. She can't help it.
Here's Ass and Jess at the opening of Just Cavalli in NYC last night.
Thursday, September 6th 2007
Paves must've been mad at Jessica Simpson last night, because that weave looked used and abused. It looks like he fished a wig out of the trash can, cut it up and put it on homegirl's head. She ain't helping matters by pulling out drag queen poses and dopey faces. The reporter probably asked her what her name was and bitch couldn't remember.
Anyway, here's Jessica at a party for W Magazine last night in NYC.
Thursday, August 30th 2007
A source told UsWeekly that Jessica Simpson was shocked when she found out John Mayer was dating Cameron Diaz. And how did they figure out she was shocked?
"She had her mouth open a mile wide when she found out,” says the source. “She just freaked.”
Dear Source. I've got news! That skank's mouth is always open! Day, night, morning, evening, afternoon, eating, drinking, caca-ing...it's open. It's just open. It's permanently open!
Anyway, this genius source also says that Jess still has feelings for him and is sad he has moved on.
Cammy and John were last seen "canoodling" on August 24th in NYC.
Friday, August 17th 2007
Don't be too surprised if you see Jessica Simpson with a new nose very soon. She apparently royally effed up her nose on the set of "Major Movie Star." Jessica reportedly accidentally hit her nose with a gun "severely disfiguring" it.
She said, “I was running with a gun over my head and fell over and broke my nose, it really hurt!”
Jessica will have to wear a bandage around it for the rest of filming.
Broke her nose?! PLEASE! Yeah, like that hasn't been used before. Jess was probably jealous of Asslee's nose work. Now if the surgeon will just sew her mouth up while he's chopping on the schnoze.