Rob Kartrashian wah wah wah'ed out a river of sad tears on Twitter earlier this month right after he found out that his girlfriend Rita Ora allegedly let a bunch of dudes run up into her raw while they were together. Rita Ora never said anything about it and ten seconds later dumb ass Rob tried to act like he wasn't talking about her. But a source tells UsWeekly that Rob was obviously talking about Rita Whora, because he dumped her after finding out that she screwed his heart over by screwing Jonah Hill.
The source said that while Rita Whora was in NYC for a minute, she spent the night with Jonah Hill. I know Jonah Hill doesn't exactly moisten your chops, but ANYTHING is an upgrade from a piece of trash Kardashian. ANYTHING. That night in NYC, Rita Whora probably woke up in her hotel room, came to her senses and realized that she let a Kardashian raw dog dick her a bunch of times. Rita Whora ran out of her hotel room in a panic and tried to wipe the Kardashian smegma from her poon by humping everything in her path. Rita humped a door knob, humped the maid's cart, did anal with a DO NOT DISTURB sign and then she came across Jonah Hill in the hallway. Rita drive-by fucked him in ten seconds flat.
You gotta hump what you gotta hump to get rid of that Kardashian stench on your twat. Even if UsWeekly's headline read, "Rita Ora Cheated On Rob Kardashian With A Pile Of Zombie Poo," I still wouldn't judge or blame her.
CNN anchor Don Lemon called out Jonah Hill on Twitter yesterday for being a self-important, rude douche of the highest order and Don came off as a self-important, rude douche of the highest order while doing so. Don tweeted that he was waiting in the lobby of his hotel when he recognized Jonah Hill. When Don said hi to him, he says Jonah acted like a diva and brushed him off. Jonah responded to Don and that's when they started yanking at each other's weaves. Oh, if the Internet is high school, then Twitter is the furthest quad from the principal's office where you can always watch two catty bitches going at it. This is how Don and Jonah's cat fight went down:
Because this is obviously a CNN-worthy BREAKING news story, Don went into it even more on Soledad O'Brien's show this morning. Don said that he was already having a bad day, because he missed his flight due to the cab driver asking for his autograph (yes, he just HAD to throw that in) and when he finally got his hotel, his bad day got even worse after the dude from 21 Jump Street threw him shade. Don said that Jonah treated him like he was THE HELP and gave him a half-assed, wet handshake. Don said, "Normally it doesn’t bother me, but I was done ... because I’d been taught by mother to always be kind to people."
In this cat fight, I'm not holding either one of their purses. Don needs to get over it and taking it to Twitter is the true definition of petty. Don is on CNN, doesn't he have more important shit to report about? ("Not really." - CNN) Besides, why would he want to shake Jonah Hill's hand after that ho just finished taking a piss. Jonah Hill looks like the type who doesn't wash the piss off his hands afterward. And Jonah Hill is just ugh. They both lost this one.
With that being said, I kind of wish they'll kiss, make-up and get married. Because if they did get married, their hyphenated last name will be Lemon-Hill and Lemon Hill sounds like a delicious and refreshing summer time beverage from the makers of Strawberry Hill.
Some horny bitch in the Hollywood hierarchy must have sampled Channing Tatum's thonged delights a couple of years back. Because I can't sneak a nip into the AMC without his liverwursty self confronting me in every trailer shown. I don't get it. He's got a nice setup (sometimes) but is the talent there? No, but a badonka donk bubble butt obviously is because Parks and Recreation's Adam Scott wants to fuck it and Jonah Hill insisted on a sexy skinny-dipping session with it. Lap band surgery makes you gay.
We posted about Adam Scott's desire for Channing Tatum's buttocks over at my day job (it was a nice break from topics like self-fisting and which porn star gobbles cock the best). Scott rhapsodized to Details about Channing's hams and what we as a public should do with them.
DETAILS: Wow, that is nerdy. So, on Parks, the cast always seems to be having a ton of fun.
Adam Scott: You don't have fun at work? You work for Details. You sit around and talk about hot dudes like Channing Tatum. That guy looks like he was sculpted out of ivory. If they made casts of asses to sell at adult stores for people to have sex with, they would use his ass. Sorry for everything I just said.
You know when you're awkward and you sweat through party conversation and inevitably the thing you say to someone is a weird reference to some nightmarish fantasy that you have about snoodling and they quickly move away to the cheese plate? Maybe that's just Adam and I. Because that was quite a jump from "having fun on the set" to "I want a rubber Channing Tatum ass to fuck".
He's going to be one hissingly jealous pocket queen because toad turned meerkat Jonah Hill got to splash around with Channing's big white ass in Miami! They're in the 21 Jump Street remake together and Tatum told Jimmy Kimmel that they went for a dip together all nude and stuff.
"We decided to jump in the ocean—naked. It was nighttime, thank God," Tatum shared.
"There's Jerry's Deli right on the corner and [Jonah] decides he wants to go in and all he's got is his T-shirt and his underwear on and he's like, ‘I'm going in to get something to eat!' and I'm like, ‘No!' So I stopped him and [took] him back to the car," he added. "Now he's nicknamed 'Baby Jonah' because I had to dress him like a mom. I'm like, ‘No, no. Bad Jonah. No. Butt up, butt up. OK."
"Butt up"? Kinky adult baby play? The fuck is going on during these shoots? George Clooney must have made an immediate beeline for Channing's latest movie shoot after he made bail.
Oh, and I'm not going to pretend like I wouldn't spelunk on that ass. I've had liverwurst before. It didn't kill me.
Everybody who is making an #itgetsbetter video for bullied gay teens need to immediately rewrite their script and speak directly to recently de-chunked Jonah Hill, because he needs our sympathies and support during this very difficult time. You see, Jonah Hill told Jimmy Fallon that Matthew Morrison from Glee was a meanie mean meanster to him TWICE! This shit is barely worth repeating, but it's Friday, it's slow, outside my window looks like cold ass mist and if you reenact Jonah's story in your head using two dehydrated curly-haired twats on a playschool playground it might make this sort of entertaining.
This is what Jonah had to say about the worst bullying experience of HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
"This publicity woman is giving us these instructions and no one is paying attention. And Zooey (Deschanel) starts talking to me. And I'm, like, whatever I don't want to get in trouble or anything like that. And she keeps talking to me, and the woman goes, 'Jonah, please be quiet while I'm talking.' This guy (Matthew Morrison) piggybacks this woman calling me out. I've never met this guy before in my entire life. He goes, 'Yeah Jonah, can't you stop talking for one second?' And everyone laughed at me! I wasn't even talking to anybody!
So, I've already got in my head that I don't like this guy. I'm sure he's a good human being but you don't throw a dude under the bus that's just sitting there being quiet... He bullied me. He's a big timer on Fox, I've got stars in my eyes and he's been to the dance before, I'm just some movie guy trying to make it in that world.
Cut to a couple weeks later... and I see this guy, Matthew Morrison, and he's talking to one of the Gossip Girl guys, Chace Crawford... I go, 'They don't see me, I'm gonna get some scoop, I'm gonna call this dude out, I'm gonna like bust up his conversation.' And I wander up behind these two guys and I'm eavesdropping and I can't really hear what's going on and then I hear, 'Something, something, something... Jonah Hill.' And then they both start laughing! And so I'm the punchline in this guy's joke? He doesn't even know I'm at this party. What is his deal?"
And then Jonah cried into his publicist's lap who consoled him by softly blowing air at his neck while holding a box of happy juice (aka Juicy Juice in berry flavor) up to his whine hole. I swear, the surgeon must've accidentally cut off Jonah's thick skin along with his loose skin. This is nothing. Matthew is obviously just jealous, because he thinks there can only be one bitch at the network who looks like a Banana Republic sales associate. You'd think Jonah and Matthew would bond over their shared love of blue shirts and safari pants.
via Holy Moly
On the left is a full bodied Jonah Hill looking like an unshaven fat lesbian going to an SNL theme party as Pat in March '10, and on the right is a de-chunked Jonah Hill at last night's ESPY Awards. DAMN is right. No wonder I had zero will to exercise this year (and every year), because this bitch stole it all. OF COURSE, Jonah dropped the chunk from diet and exercise, and not from getting his stomach bag Spanxed while snorting blow cut with Dexatrim in that body sauna from I Love Lucy.
Some say that when you lose weight in your body, you gain old in your face. Now I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but the Jonah of today does look like a ginger Eminem at his ITT Tech graduation. But I'm still going to say that NOW Jonah is hotter. I'm only saying that because I'm sure underneath that suit, Jonah's got a loose skin miniskirt and a back that looks like a Shar Pei puppy frowning. How can I deny a loose skin miniskirt and a sad Shar Pei puppy?