Just Stop

If a Tumblr called Fetuses with iPhones existed, these pictures would be its crown jewels. Anne Frank's homeboy Justin Bieber slapped at the haters who are constantly yelling at him to put on a shirt (see: Olivia Wilde) by posting a couple of shirtless selfies on Instagram with a couple of eye roll-inducing captions:

Breaking news @justinbieber posts two shirtless pics in a day could he be anymore full of himself -silly people

Breaking news worldwide @justinbieber just posted 2 shirtless pictures he must be going crazy’ -funny people #forthefansanyways #dontbecreepin :p

There are so many things Justin Bieber should be doing besides taking pictures of his fetus abs and his chewed-up bubble gum belly button. The Biebs needs to pull up his pants (I mean, he IS a big kid now) and he needs to work on his smolder. He wants to look all mysterious and sexy in a butch way, but instead he looks sad and disappointed. Like he just failed potty training again after making a poopy in his Pampers. Work on your smolder, Biebs.

If he really wanted to do something for the Beliebers, he'd get Anne Frank's bio tattooed on his chest, take a picture of that and upload it to Instagram, because some of those children don't even know who she is. I mean....

Let's all stick an e.p.t. test up our asses, because the odds say that we're all having babies. Babies are happening to everyone! Elton John has a baby, Jeremy Renner is going to have a baby and in the most terrifying baby news of all, Star (via Radar) says that Teen Mom Jenelle Evans is knocked all the way up with a kid who she'll see every other weekend (depending on whether or not she's got ¢hur¢h aka a Ke$ha concert that weekend).

In around 8 months, Child Protective Services will get another file on their desks when 21-year-old Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 births out her second kid. Jenelle's husband of a few weeks, Courtland Rogers, tells Star that CPS' sweetheart is around 6 weeks pregnant and since she doesn't have custody of her first kid, Jace Evans, she's hoping she can prove she's not a piece of shit parent by raising her second kid right. There's nothing more precious than having a do over baby. Jenelle just got out of rehab for heroin addiction, so this is perfect time for her to be knocked up. Courtland tells Star:

“Me and Jenelle are so happy that she’s pregnant. She told me, ‘I’m looking forward to a second chance.’ She thinks if she can prove that she’s a good mother, she can get Jace back."

When Star asked Jenelle's 59-year-old mother for a comment, she said (no, she didn't), "I was thrilled to find out that my accidental surrogate is pregnant with another baby for me to raise. Retirement is overrated! I am so happy that Jenelle gets to have all the fuck time fun in making a baby while I'm the one who gets to raise it. I am seriously OVER THE MOON! No, seriously, throw me over the moon, please." 

And this goes without typing, but yes, there will soon be a baby on this planet whose name is Ke$ha. Ke$ho if it's a boy.

Well, look who's dropping a deuce new cook book on April 2nd! It should be on April 1st since you would have to be an April Fool to buy this shit. It's Goopy McPoopy, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, once again hammering us commoners in the head with the fact that we'll never be as good, beautiful, or fabulous as she is. In her new book called It's All Good, or formally It's All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great (but not as great as me, ever, fucking plebes), Gwyneth condescends to give her recipes for things like Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, and Freshly Clubbed Antarctic Baby Seal with Roasted Organic White Truffle and Crushed Blood Diamond Sauce. Maybe I made that last one up.

None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor's Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won't leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You're welcome!

You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor's recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar...okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed.